Child contact process and delays.

[FTW Mamuskills]

Re: Child contact process and delays.

It would be very interesting to know what would happen if the resident parent was in fact a man and the alienated non rensident parent was a woman.

Im confident that alot more would of happened if roles were reversed, say i had my daughter and was obstructing contact.

Dont get me wrong im not sexist in any way. The problem is that both genders support degrees of equality and this should reflect within the judiciary. It simply defeats the objective of remaining impartial when someone is partially judged because of their gender.

"Joke": Maybe I should have gender reassignment surgery and see how the court respond.

Thank you for your post Bill-K.

[Bill-K]

Re: Child contact process and delays.

Anyone can plant a seed, it takes a real man to raise a child.

I've not contributed much here, as I've been a lucky schmuck - and got away with it so far. But I've come close to losing it all - and I've read this thread thinking, "There, but for the grace of God, go I."

If I had one tenth of your resolve and your decency, I would stand proud, mate. It's about time those qualities were recognised by those who deign to oversee our affairs with such assumed professionalism. I really hope to God that He has the grace to make that happen.

Surely, the issue must be - "Who is the better parent for this child ?" - and NOT "Who is the mother of this child ?"

Power to you, mate.

Respect to you..........Sir.

[Celestine]

Re: Child contact process and delays.

Wow! Hats off to you for keeping such a compelling and detailed record. Its is so good it makes me curious as to your occupation?

It is extraordinary that you have not once resorted to insinuations or personal complaints.

Can I ask, how are you coping emotionally? What you have detailed above is harrowing and draining. I offer my support and any advice I can offer during this process.

I have personal experience of extremely similar PAS circumstances. Yet after 3 years we won our residency battle and halted an emigration abroad. Our relationship did not survive however, so please take care of you and yours xxx

[FTW Mamuskills]

Re: Child contact process and delays.

FTW, I think the experience at the contact centre will prove to be the turning point in this case.

Where professionals can see clear emotional damage, they will act, regardless of the sibling arrangements.

Well done for patience, kindness and great dad skills! xxx

Thank you very much for your post, I have catalogued (spelling terrible again) each contact session of contact as and when it has happened (see below) unlike everything else i do this one is based on my own interpretation and the only thing that will support this is the CSCA contact centre report. Although this is simply my opinion I have met with the CSCA staff and verified my interpretation of events to ensure neither of us differ dramatically in any way.

These statements are what I will be using as my main discussion point with Cafcass as i do not wish to rely on memory alone as setails get lost along the way.

Summary of contact through CSCA.

Following court directions on 21st December 2011, 6 observational contact sessions were awarded. The following is a summary of how these contact sessions went. These are based on my own opinions, however reports issued by CSCA or Cafcass should correspond with my own interpretations.
Following an initial wait a phone call was received from CSCA to arrange the 6 observational sessions. They were confirmed for 21st January 2012, 04th February 2012, 18th February 2012, 03rd March 2012, 17th March 2012 and 31st March 2012. All of the appointments were to take place between 14:00pm and 16:00pm.
Court was adjourned on Tuesday 17th April 2012 to allow remaining contact sessions to take place following delays incurred. Set dates for the remaining sessions has not been made known at this time.



XXXX > The first contact session did not go well unfortunately. As I had anticipated CHILD had performed an emotional U turn. When I arrived to the centre I was placed in a room alone. After some 45 minutes of waiting a member of staff from the centre attended and told me CHILD was upset but they were trying to give her reassurance and would come back to me. Another 10 minutes later the worker came back into the room and told me CHILD had gone home. In summary, I was unable to engage with CHILD during this contact. I mentioned that next time I would at least like the opportunity to try to communicate with my daughter via telephone or face to face. This is where the first contact session ended.
XXXX > The second contact session also did not go as well as I would like. As with the first session, I was taken to a room upstairs where I waited. 20 minutes passed and a worker came in to tell me CHILD was again upset and was refusing to communicate with workers, she was simply grunting at them. I asked if I could come into the room to speak with CHILD, the workers checked with CHILDS mother and came back to tell me she had reluctantly agreed. I entered the room to discover CHILD hiding her head under her mother’s arm. I spoke to her briefly, she did not grunt at me as she did with the centre staff, she told me she was scared but did not know what of. I asked if it was the building, the centre worker or me and she replied “No” to all of them. At this point it was clear she did not wish to proceed with contact so I agreed to leave. Prior to leaving I informed CHILD that I was going to leave pens and paper on the table and if she wanted to write down her fears before she left she could. After this I left the room and went back upstairs to wait. 5 minutes later the contact centre worker came into the room to tell me CHILD had left and did not wish to write anything down before she left. This concluded the second contact session.
XXXX > The Third contact session initially started in the same way it had previously. I went upstairs to wait for centre staff to tell me CHILD was upset. Sure enough 20 minutes after I arrived they came upstairs to tell me CHILD was refusing to speak to them. After gaining permission I went downstairs and entered the room. CHILD was again hiding her head under her mother’s arm. To begin with CHILDS responses towards my questions were grunts and screams. She was insistent that she wanted to go home. I explained to her the reason we were in the contact centre and that before she goes home she will need to turn around and speak to me even if it is only very briefly. Eventually she turned around and began to speak with me. I jogged her memory with a photo album (that only contained pictures of her or me and her together). She enjoyed looking through the pictures and afterwards decided she did not want to go home. We produced pictures together and discussed ideas for other pictures we could draw together. We spoke about many things including school, hobbies and favourite toys among other things. I tried to briefly speak to CHILD about her fears but she told me she did not want to speak about it at that time. Towards the end of the session I made plans with CHILD (following the agreement of the centre worker) that the next session would be outside of the centre and she could bring her bike or scooter. CHILD seemed very excited about doing this. At the end of the session CHILD hugged me and we agreed we would see each other at the next session. CHILD then left the centre. I waited for ten minutes and then left the centre myself. This concluded this session.
XXXX > It is appropriate to note that Cafcass has told me that due to time constraints, she may be unable to include any additional progress made on the report that will be submitted to court. This contact session should have been the sixth and final session. Unfortunately due to unforeseen delays it is only the fourth instance. I entered the CSCA building and was told that contact may not proceed as CHILD was notably upset, I requested 5 minutes to talk CHILD around and it was agreed. I entered the room and as before CHILD was hiding her face in her seat. I approached in the same way as before and again initially got grunts back. After a short while she told me that she did not like the contact centre because it was not like home. I built on this and she agreed to take a tour of the building with the contact supervisor and her mother, she came back to the room seemingly more at ease and began to engage more. We played with items from the toy box briefly before moving to a table where I had placed pencils and papers. CHILD drew a fish and we then took it in turns to add more images to the picture, this quickly turned into a game that CHILD obviously enjoyed. We talked about school and CHILDS home life and really connected well. Unfortunately CHILD brother was unwell and was sick. RESIDENT PARENT did not have any additional clothing for him so with my permission contact was halted after just over an hour but with the agreement that the following session would be 3 hours long, RESIDENT PARENT agreed to this. Before CHILD left I asked if she would like me to bring anything along for the next session, she requested magazines and sellotape. I will take these to the next session. CHILD hugged me before she left and this is where the session ended.
XXXX > This session is in effect the fifth contact session to actually take place. Contact occurred at a varied time to previous occurrences. CSCA had notified me prior to the session that it would take place over 2 hours and not 3 as previously agreed on 31st March 2012 as RESIDENT PARENTS son was Ill and she was unable to leave him for too long. I arrived at the centre at 09:15am and waited in an upstairs contact room for the arrival of CHILD. She arrived with her Mother at around 09:30am. Ten minutes later the supervising officer came upstairs and informed me that CHILD was noticeably upset and wanted to go home to take care of her brother. Sympathising with the situation CHILD was in I agreed that CHILDS wishes must be respected but would like a little time to engage with her. At this point I made my way downstairs and entered the room to find CHILD hiding her face in a chair again. I began to speak to her and ask her about her brother. Unfortunately her responses were again “grunts” and she refused to engage. I attempted to explain to CHILD that someone would look after her brother if she was at school and then further explained that the previous week that she spent at her aunts (my sister) her brother was looked after. Unfortunately at this point RESIDENT PARENT became verbally aggressive and threatened to cease contact. I remained calm and asked her to not verbally attack me and consider how it would make CHILD feel. She ignored this plea and continued which caused the supervisor to intervene and insist the actions were halted. With this setback CHILD seemed to further retract. I explained that I had brought magazines and sellotape as she had requested but she remained unresponsive. I then explained that I had made a board game that she could take home to her brother and I would be happy to show her how to play it, but again she remained unresponsive. I made one final attempt to engage with CHILD. I asked her if the reason she wanted to go home was because she wanted to see her brother. She replied “I want to go home and look after him”. I agreed and said she can go home whenever she feels ready. I then handed a magazine to her mother and told CHILD I had brought her that to read on the way home. She remained hidden for some time despite being told she could go home. Eventually RESIDENT spoke to CHILD and made a “pinkie promise” about something but I did not hear what she was saying. CHILD then stood up and with encouragement and in the arms of her mother came to thank me for her magazine. We agreed to play the game I had made and use the sellotape and another magazine at the next session. She offered me a nice smile and a “fun” handshake before leaving the room. This is where the session ended.
Additional session/ sessions TBC
Overall Summary.
The CSCA contact centre has been an excellent support structure for CHILD. The staff have all been extremely professional and very supportive. The contact sessions themselves have been a highly positive experience that have offered me and CHILD the opportunity to re-engage with each other and has provided a neutral environment to utilise.
Unfortunately I feel that because of the delays incurred the contact has not provided me with the opportunity to engage with CHILD effectively. CHILD has experienced almost 6 months of inconsistency and avoidable distractions. Multiple sessions of contact have been cancelled by RESIDENT PARENT with very little notice and this has caused much of the progress made in rebuilding rapport with CHILD to be negated. As a point I have always responded to positive contact with CHILD by making plans for the next session. I will ask what she would like to do and she has instructed the type of activity she would like to do and informed me of any materials that may be required. This has formed a solid path to move forwards with but with almost every other session being cancelled CHILDS plans have been put to one side and she has experienced delays of up to one month between sessions which would obviously take away any positive anticipation of the next contact session.
CHILD has persistently seemed wary of interacting at the beginning of contact sessions and I feel she has wanted reassurance from more than just what I give her in the contact centre. After working through some of CHILDS hesitations some sessions have ended up being very positive. Unfortunately with CHILDS brother consistently present she seems to have a constant distraction in the way. Although I do not mind CHILDS brother being present at contact I feel it must be noted that interruptions have occurred as a result and one session was halted due to his illness which I happily gave consent to on the understanding that the next session would be 3 hours long. That agreed session was then cancelled by RESIDENT PARENT
I am confident that the contact has still served many purposes. CHILD is now fully able to identify me and has only experienced positive responses while in contact. Despite the numerous setbacks I feel we have managed to rekindle some rapport which shows promise in moving forward or repeating contact again. I am yet to see real signs of encouragement for CHILD to interact from anyone other than me. I believe that this does not occur at home and there may be factors to consider that are putting CHILD off contact or event making her be genuinely scared of having positive interactions with me. One question that I keep asking is “why do we have positive contact and then all the good that has been done is undone by the time the next session arises”? I feel that this question needs to be explored fully in order to understand how best to put CHILDS wellbeing first.
On a final note, at my last meeting I mentioned that indirect contact has been ignored, I am still making phone calls which have not been answered since before the court hearing in December and I have not had a single letter response. I have however had letters returned by Royal Mail that I have previously sent to CHILD. This clearly further limits my ability to build rapport with CHILD and I feel If this is not rectified further alienation from my daughter will continue. Prior to a hearing in December I was speaking to CHILD via telephone and although there were occasions that she chose not to come to the phone, real progress had been made. This method was even utilised from MEMBER OF STAFF at the Cafcass office which assisted me in having a very positive face to face contact. This hard work has obviously been undone; I would really like to know how that is explainable if the blockage of indirect contact is not the cause.
I am more than happy for this document to be referred to in compiling reports or in addition for the consideration of the court. Please accept my signature below as authorisation for this.


*** CHILD = Replacement name for child
*** RESIDENT PARENT = Childs mother
*** Others = Self explanatory.
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All the cancellations have been ignored in this document as they have been noted seperately

[Celestine]

Re: Child contact process and delays.

FTW, I think the experience at the contact centre will prove to be the turning point in this case.

Where professionals can see clear emotional damage, they will act, regardless of the sibling arrangements.

Well done for patience, kindness and great dad skills! xxx

[Hurricane Puffrose]

Re: Child contact process and delays.

fully agree, as i say some dads are better than the mums!

Good luck to you in everyway, and tell her she has millions of hugs coming her way

[FTW Mamuskills]

Re: Child contact process and delays.

Bless you for saying that, my best friend is a single dad of 3, hes just found out after 16 years of raising his eldest that none of them are his. He doesnt care, says I love them whats the problem?


p

Anyone can plant a seed, it takes a real man to raise a child.

[FTW Mamuskills]

Re: Child contact process and delays.

Thank you very much for your post.

I have been recording my experiences of the contact centre and will be presenting them to Cafcass at my next meeting with them, this saves me relying on memory alone to try and fight what im sure will be a meeting full of support from the contact centre and false allegations from the mother.

[Hurricane Puffrose]

Re: Child contact process and delays.

Bless you for saying that, my best friend is a single dad of 3, hes just found out after 16 years of raising his eldest that none of them are his. He doesnt care, says I love them whats the problem?

There is nothing more you can do physically, and as for the monsters.. Good on her, i hated pink and princesses myself, wanted jungle book and panthers!

all you can do is carry on as you are, encourage her to see her mother in a positive light, keep your head held high and enjoy the time you get with her!

Gingerbread helps dads too.. theres a thread called a listening ear, websites are in there hun.

Big hugs to you all

p

[FTW Mamuskills]

Re: Child contact process and delays.

giving yourself a MASSIVE pat on the back and hugging your other 3 kids!

I wish i was nearer to give you an encouraging hug, your doing well. I would also suggest painting the spare room pink and princessy., cos if your attitude in rl is like this forum you will have a little girl at your house quicker than a wink!

Thank you very much for your post, it really cheered me up. As much as id love to paint a room "pink" for her she prefers monster high themes (black and pink ect) so we have a white room with a feature wall that has black wallpaper with bright pink patterning.

Just wish there was more i could do. It has to be hard for these proffesionals too as my daughter clearly feels a sense of duty towards her brother and they surely must consider how seperating them may affect them both in the long term. The little brother may not be my kid but id be more than happy for both him and my daughter to live here if i knew it would protect them both.

It amazes me how with these 10,000+ care applications made ove the last 12 months so few are for emotional/ Psycological abuse. Guess if theres no bruises ect they really dont care. With these consistent failings we will see a massive surge of young adults with mental health problems in a few years time.

PS: I have chased up my MP for a meeting today.

[Hurricane Puffrose]

Re: Child contact process and delays.

giving yourself a MASSIVE pat on the back and hugging your other 3 kids!

I wish i was nearer to give you an encouraging hug, your doing well. I would also suggest painting the spare room pink and princessy., cos if your attitude in rl is like this forum you will have a little girl at your house quicker than a wink!

[FTW Mamuskills]

Re: Child contact process and delays.

Have you kept a detailed diary of this behaviour my the mother?

A nice colourful spreadsheet would be very compelling.


Yes, she's playing silly feckers, that is in no doubt, the million dollar question is how long are cafcass going to permit her to keep breaching live court orders??

What i tend to do is keep detailed reports of events and occurences that can be verified by letters or proffesionals (Cafcass workers, contact workers ect) I do however go out of m way to discuss my version of events with contact centre staff at the end of each contact. I do however have a chart showing the progress made from day 1, this is sorted by date order and clearly depicts delays and the causes for them. This unfortunately brings me to my next addition:

Attended contact today. While waiting upstairs for my daughter her and her mother arrived. It was a loud arrival with "I aint staying long cos iv got an ill son at home". 10 minutes after this the supervisor came up to me and explained m daughter was upset because her brother was ill and she wanted to go home to take care of him.

Downstairs I go and my daughter is burying her head in the chair. I tried everything to interact but she wouldnt communicate. I then tried to explain that her little brother is looked at every day while she is at school but at this point her mother decided to jump in with a lovely verbal attack saying she would take HER daughter home. I remained calm and polite and asked her to not get aggresive as it would only make OUR daughter scared. She ignored this plea and continued which caused the supervisor to insisit she remained silent from here on in.

After more attempts her mother broke her silence and positioned herself in front of my daughter and began whispering. I couldnt hear what was being said, but the supervisor could


I gave my daughter a magazine to read on the way home and agreed she could leave (passed the magazine to the mother). While her mother was putting her coat on my daughter lifted her head and waved at me and gave me a nervous smile. She instantly hid her face again when her mother turned back around.

It was this point the session ended, i couldnt hug her goodbye because her mother was "blocking" the way.


--------------------------------------


So after the session i meet with the supervisor, she explained to me that she has spotted some "codes" between mother and daughter. She explained that these were signs the mother gives when my daughter is clearly complying with what she has been told. There are concerns over mothers attitude towards contact and obviously the delays which in a normal situation would completely negate and rapport that has been built.... However:

She went on to say that I have shown an unquestionable rapport with my child over the duration of contact and I shouldnt worry about being denied access. In addition she made no hessitation in saying that my child has been severely alienated and this is further demonstrated by her mothering attitude towards her brother (basically she feels she has to look after him to protect him). It went on further but thats the short version.

CAHMS, Pyscologist.... all valid areas reccomendations that the contact centre have assured me will be in the final report. They have also ststed they will detail the verbal assault i recieved today as it was in front of the child.

So ther we go. I think maybe notify my solicitor of today (contact centre has said they will support EVERYTHING they say to me and my solicitor is welcome to go on a fact finding hunt if he feels it is appropriate and will support the case)

Anything else i should be doing at the moment?
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God my spelling is awful on the above post. Sorry guys.

[Celestine]

Re: Child contact process and delays.

Have you kept a detailed diary of this behaviour my the mother?

A nice colourful spreadsheet would be very compelling.


Yes, she's playing silly feckers, that is in no doubt, the million dollar question is how long are cafcass going to permit her to keep breaching live court orders??

[Bill-K]

Re: Child contact process and delays.

I have to admit that I concur with your feelings. You should be receiving a lot more attention to this from either the Contact Centre or their administrative body, IMHO.

[FTW Mamuskills]

Re: Child contact process and delays.

Contact tommorow. Phone call a few hours agon from the centre to advise me that the session would be half the usual length because my ex's son is ill and she cannot leave him for very long on his own.

Is there really no other appropriate adult whom can look after this child say for example...... his father? As mentioned my daughter has previously stated that she spends alot of time with her Nan. Why is her nan suitable to look after her but not suitable to look after the other child for a mere 3 hours ?

Clearly no regard for innapropriate delays, or is it a genuine thing mixed in with all the other stuff that leads me to believe she is simply trying to obstruct things further by continuing to limit my time with my child thereby negating any positive effects it may have.