Calling all Cat Lovers

[Niklowe]

Re: Calling all Cat Lovers

Cet

I am not a monster yet appear to have been painted as one who travels around the countryside stamping on kittens.

Having read many of your posts, I have always seen that you have a very dry sense of humour, and I know full well what you were trying to do. Ie stir it up, but at the same time try to get some suggestions. Well you certainly got a varied allotment of them, bordering from the humane to the downright comical.

[Sapphire]

Re: Calling all Cat Lovers

Oh Cet I thought you might appreciate this hunny bunch :kiss:

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......

8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary. ..
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. *******s.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now................

[stevokenevo]

Re: Calling all Cat Lovers

PMSL saffy

[Happyolddog]

Re: Calling all Cat Lovers

[quote=Cetelco;71349]

I have never stated that I was going to kill anything.

All I said was I was going to shoot it. There is a huge difference between being shot and being killed.

Were you just going to wound it, so it can't climb the fence?
maybe shoot it in the foot?

[Jester]

Re: Calling all Cat Lovers

Just for Cetelco ...


How To Give A Cat A Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse/partner from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse/partner to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for glueing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse/partner to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 cola to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse/partner's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10 . Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another cola. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink cola. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply Whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little *******'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of beer. Get spouse/partner to drive you to accident & emergency, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air

[Celestine]

Re: Calling all Cat Lovers

Very funny...I have been there many times and have the scars to prove it!

[millie cat]

Re: Calling all Cat Lovers

Hi Cetelco,
I have 2 indoor cats i do all their cleaning.
i sergest you get a carrer bag and pick up the toilet and put it some were close but away from your front door were you will be happy as they go were femiler smells then scrub your step with neat dettol dont rince it off. That should deter them from doing it again.
Millie cat
and i do love them all.

[Birdie]

Re: Calling all Cat Lovers

Anyone got a remedy for cat piddle on carpets?! We have a completely deranged ex feral that just loves the corner of my lounge!!!!!

[Tools]

Re: Calling all Cat Lovers

Electrified carpets?

[millie cat]

Re: Calling all Cat Lovers

Anyone got a remedy for cat piddle on carpets?! We have a completely deranged ex feral that just loves the corner of my lounge!!!!!

Hi Birdie,
I had the same problem with my kitten he kept doing it at the bottem of the stairs in the corner, I cleaned a little so alittle of the smell was left then i put a toilet box over the exact spot and they will do it in the box instead, then all you need to do is after a couple of days move the box about 1-2 meters away and scrub the sight that it was in. dont wash the toilet box just empty and refill, then every couple of days move the box the same distance untill its were you want it to be, that should sort your little friend out. If at any point he/she goes back you have to do it all again. Try it, it worked for me.
sorry its not instant it may take a while.
All the best,
Millie cat x

[WendyB]

Re: Calling all Cat Lovers

........and don't use anything with a pine smell to clean the carpet with - it attracts them back to the same spot. I bred Siamese cats for many years so have a pretty good knowledge about feline antics.

Alternatively give up on the carpets and get laminate floor instead lol.