Any advice? (silly question)

**Mochamoo** · 16th June 2009, 19:35:PM

Re: Any advice? (silly question)

Ohh Scoobs xxx

Can you take her to London with you but make her spend the time helping out in a homeless shelter. Show her just how lucky she is, also make her see what her future could be if her parents kick her out over this behaviour.

**natweststaffmember** · 16th June 2009, 19:47:PM

Re: Any advice? (silly question)

Why Is My Child Stealing and What Should I Do About It?
The above is academic
The forum below might help
Raisingkids Forums: stealing from parent

STILL LOOKING THOUGH

**Paule** · 16th June 2009, 20:27:PM

Re: Any advice? (silly question)

Why is she stealing?

Thats the problem, find that out and then you can find a solution.

Dont think there is an easy answer.
there could be allsorts of reasons for this
attention, drugs, drink, clothes, addiction, gambling, the list is endless i'm afraid.

I am taking back a concert ticket I have bought her and I am sending her a voucher instead

IMO, whats the difference? you are replacing one treat with another treat

Sorry I cant think of anything else.

**scoobydoo** · 16th June 2009, 21:30:PM

Re: Any advice? (silly question)

Not really - she was really looking forward to a concert with a big group of us - and as her auntie ,not her mother I did not feel it is my place to dish out all the punishment - it is not me she has stolen from . She will not be able to go to the concert without us.

Reference reason for stealing - just to top up phone and talk to boys . She does not have a job yet and has no axcess to money - and she also runs up phone bills for large amounts that she can not pay back.

I have told them to change cards - change their safe ( she has got into that) and hide verything she can sell. then tell her to get a job. ( not easy as they are miles from anywhere)

Also she has posted topless photos of herself on the internet and tells lies ( very well) all the time.

**Paule** · 16th June 2009, 21:47:PM

Re: Any advice? (silly question)

Originally posted by scoobydoo View Post

Not really - she was really looking forward to a concert with a big group of us - and as her auntie ,not her mother I did not feel it is my place to dish out all the punishment -.

fair point, I apologise for my post

I am guessing its attention then, she likes/craves the attention of boys.
and probably more so because they miles from anywhere, and its entertainment I suppose.

What happened with the Police last time

**Luminol** · 17th June 2009, 07:45:AM

Re: Any advice? (silly question)

Sounds like she feels that shes missing out considering that she lives miles from anywhere, maybe the promise of assistance with driving lessons when shes 17 might be effective and give her something to strive for?

Lumi x

**scoobydoo** · 17th June 2009, 11:45:AM

Re: Any advice? (silly question)

She had money put by for driving lessons in a savings account - she had to use all that to repay money she stole from a friend.So that does not seem to be an incentive.

Pkea - you dont have to apologise - it was a fair point and I think some of the problems have been that she is getting mixed messages at home regarding punishments and consequences of actions and that is why it is escalating now. I did have to think whether I was doing the right thing as she is fine and well behaved when she is with us.

As far as I know last time the police just spoke to her and explained that stealing off your parents is still stealing and she could be prosecuted. That was about a year ago and she has got worse .

Later I will post up a copy of an email she sent her mum after getting caught smoking in her room ( normal teenage behaviour as far as I am concerned ) because it is really weird and I so wonder if she has deeper problems as I have never seen anyone who can lie so well as she can and the email shows a sort of split personality.

Do you think the police would be willing to come to the house and speak to her again? I think I might ask her mum to ask for that. Maybe them arriving on the doorstep might do the trick.
------------------------------- merged -------------------------------
This is what she wrote to her mum recently:

Mum,

I’m sorry about everything that has happened in this past month, I’ll admit I am all to blame and I know that I shouldn’t of done it. And I’m glad that you have given me a punishment so hopefully I will learn from that and for my sake I hope I do.

I want to go back to how we were, I’ll start doing the jobs around the house and stuff, you need to allow me some freedom...

Can I ask, why the hell do you think I have a phone?!! The last time I had a phone you found it in my black and white box and I want to have a phone that I don’t have to keep a secret for the rest of my life!!!

Just to let you know after my exams I’m moving out!!!

I don’t want to live with a family that doesn’t love me!!!

**Luminol** · 17th June 2009, 11:57:AM

Re: Any advice? (silly question)

Hey Scooby, I think she seems a little troubled and maybe its all a cry for attention, when I was 15 many moons ago, I ran away, smoked, stayed out all night etc etc etc and yes I stole my mums housekeeping once (I still feel ashamed), and this was when my dad had been made redundant and money was tight, my mum cried about not being able to pay the bills.

Anyways, my mum rang social services who appointed me a social worker called Karen, she was really nice and she took me out once a week for a coffee (I felt very sophisticated), it gave me a sounding board and did help this lasted about 6 months.

Looking back, I was in a perpetual state of anger and confusion. Hormones raging too. I swore my family hated me, but what I coulddnt understand was that they were reacting to my behaviour.

I turned out okay though, I promise

**WendyB** · 17th June 2009, 11:59:AM

Re: Any advice? (silly question)

I too have a 16 year old, as most of you know. Never had any problems with stealing etc, but she can be a right pain in the butt at times. Thing is, it's difficult for outsiders to know what to advise, as only those in the immediate family know the whole story, and her perceptions of arguments and there causes are probably vastly different from those of her parents..

Is she actually supposed to have a phone? Why would she have to hide it?

I don't really think the email is evidence of deeper problems - teenagers change their attitudes in the blink of an eye! She was probably in a good, contrite mood when she started it, but changed back to a stroppy teenager before she finished it.

It's really difficult to deal with kids, no matter what their age, I know I sometimes have to walk out of the room when me and my daughter have arguments, her perception of rights and wrongs etc is so different from mine, and I am certainly no Mother Theresa when it comes to keeping my temper in check and making cutting remarks back to her.

Parents need to try and get throught to her, talk it out and see if they can get to the bottom of it.

**Paule** · 17th June 2009, 11:59:AM

Re: Any advice? (silly question)

This my personal opinion, and others may have differing views.

I would advise you to get professional help from someone who can look into the full situation.
Nobody ever knows the full ins and outs of what happens in peoples homes.
We would only be guessing at answers based on the bits you know about, which could do more harm than good.

My first point of contact would be arranging a meeting with her teacher at school to discuss her behaviour at school as well at home.
Believe me they have access to a LOT of resources, which are often never utilised.
People are usually under the impression, that if they say something then the Social will be round immediatley, which is never the case usually.

PKea

**scoobydoo** · 17th June 2009, 12:11:PM

Re: Any advice? (silly question)

They have done that and have had three meetings with a mediation service which was through a school contact .

And I do agree that there are two sides to every story and I do think she has been bought up in a very adult environment, and now she wants to be an adult she is having all her freedom restricted. There is also a power battle somewhere along the line.

We all bring up our children in different ways and mine is that I like mine to learn from their mistakes but also to know they must take the consequences of their actions.

Thanks for all your comments as it is always interesting to here different views.

**rosymaria** · 17th June 2009, 12:26:PM

Re: Any advice? (silly question)

Could she do chores at home for money??

It may also give her a little respect for what her parents do??

**scoobydoo** · 17th June 2009, 12:49:PM

Re: Any advice? (silly question)

Hi - yes I suggested that and it did work for a little while - but not long.

just had an email :

"We ended up taking her to the police station last night we werent getting through to her and wanted to frighten her.

The chap we saw was brilliant. He put her in a room on her own and came back out to talk to us to find out what the problem was. We explained what had happened and then we all went back in to the room with him. He explained to her that he should be formally arresting her and having her transferred to XXXX Police Station for her to be photographed, her fingerprints taken and her details logged onto the police database. He said the only reason he wasnt doing that was because we had asked him not to. And that we were giving her one last chance to sort herself out. He asked her where she lived and when she told him - he said XXX Drive - do you realise how lucky you are to live in a nice area like that.

He did take her details and log it down as an incident and told her that if she ever has dealings with the police again they will see a record of the meeting we had yesterday."

That was last night as they found she had also taken more money from another card - but this morning she lied to them again - so only time will tell whether it has worked. Fingers crossed.

**scoobydoo** · 17th June 2009, 19:10:PM

Re: Any advice? (silly question)

Originally posted by natweststaffmember View Post

Why Is My Child Stealing and What Should I Do About It?
The above is academic
The forum below might help
Raisingkids Forums: stealing from parent

STILL LOOKING THOUGH

Thanks for this just had time to read the academic bit and could see a lot of things that did relate to the situation. As my niece stays with us quite often I can see that the phone has become a real power / Independence struggle focus and every time it is taken away as a punishment - she may be stealing to express the hurt that causes her. She sees it as a necessity and feels she is being treated as a child and embarrassed in front of her peers every time it is withdrawn

very interesting - thanks

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