Starting to empty my lake with a spoon.. one day to be a puddle... any advice please

[warwick65]

Re: Starting to empty my lake with a spoon.. one day to be a puddle... any advice ple

I am sure the people on mse would not agree but I have always found a reasonable budget with some room for treats, emergencies and the occasional splurge us much easier to keep to than a tight but manageable one.

Remember life should not be a drudge and the odd treat can make it bearable, be that a nice coffee in Starbucks, a takeaway or a small TV package.
By all mean find the best providers for utilities etc but also remember in many cases you do get what you pay for.

[retired solicitor]

Re: Starting to empty my lake with a spoon.. one day to be a puddle... any advice ple

I feel I have a few mountains to climb and am desperate of any help..
I am using Martin Lewis forums also at the moment- debt free wannabe
so where do i start..

I asked my husband to leave after 13 years marriage 3 weeks ago.. he went to his sisters, we have a 9 year old daughter. I have been desperately unhappy for many years and it all went pop when i wanted to start clearing our debts properly but he wasn't really interested.. WE have not slept together for 10 years + .I am 43 he is 47.. my first feeling is relief as i don't have to go through my life on egg shells any more. I am nurse working with NHS

we have debts in separate names but mortgage is joint .. £103K mortgage value approx £145k.. I have a great mum dad and sister.. dad said he will help me financially and do all he can to stay where I am with my daughter..My husband and i are not the type to stab each others back,,we don't want a messy divorce.. We have had 1 chat so far tip toeing about maintenance, assets mortgage.went as good as it could in circumstances he is gutted all over , don't think he thought i was brave enough to do this

My dad will help with divorce costs or even pay him a equity share.. so i was going to start with issuing divorce papers cost £550. and i did look at using Wikivorce online to draw up a consent order re finances??

Story regarding house..
... I bought my own house ( not one in now) when i qualified as a nurse in 2000. I met husband when he was in the navy in 2001 ,, he soon left and moved in.. Not long after it emerged he had a consolidation loan which he thought was due to end but when we enquired he still owed £13000... I put this on my mortgage and paid it all off..
WE moved in 2006 to house still in he wasn't on mortgage during move as had bad credit score... In 2011 we re mortgaged to do our kitchen up.. credit better so we asked about putting him on mortgage which was done and also a transfer of equity done..

On now looking at land registry he is named as the registered proprietor .. no mention of me, as i said we both are on the mortgage so if someone could help me with this i would be grateful.. ( he is not however going to come sweeping back to claim house )as he will not upset daughter in any way

I hope i am not being realistic about staying here.. My dad bought our caravan 3 years ago so i have asked husband about me selling and he said " well i am not going to be towing it again am i " so i was going to look at selling this to pay off some debt.. he has a nice car so i suggested he sell / downgrade so he could pay off some debts but he wasn't keen to do this.. I am just trying to keep costs down as i have no money ( although my kind dad does ) to sort all this out properly. My budget i have set in other forum is tight but so able.. it is nice to get control back about finances . and if i have to sell house then so be it.. sorry for long post. and thank you if anyone can guide me further

Hi Kazza

The title of your query is an excellent summation - you need to take matters one day at a time. Otherwise, it can all become overwhelming

Firstly with regard to the divorce, I presume that you are aware that in order to obtain a divorce before you and your husband have lived apart for at least 2 years, you will need to allege either adultery or unreasonable behaviour. If you are alleging the former, you will need your husband's written admission, this can be given via the acknowledgement of service though you really should find out in advance if he will co operate. If you are alleging unreasonable behaviour, it would be a good idea to keep the allegations to a minimum so as not to increase tensions, though you do still need to allege sufficient to satisfy the court. If you haven't already done so, take a look at the pinned post which explains divorce procedure.

You mention the court fee of £550 in order to issue the petition. It may be worth checking to see if you can get any help with this- have a look at this link https://www.gov.uk/government/public...-tribunal-fees

If you and your husband can come to an agreement re the house and finances, this should indeed be incorporated into a consent order. You may need some legal advice when it comes to the drafting of this but that is getting too far ahead.

For now, there are at least 3 issues to be considered.

1. I am baffled by how your house has come to be registered in the sole name of your husband. Is this really right? It should have been registered in your joint names at the time that the secured borrowing was increased. If it really is in your husband's sole name, you need to find out why this has happened by approaching the solicitor or conveyancer who acted for you at the time of the increased borrowing. It doesn't seem to make any sense that your name was removed from the proprietorship register. If there is a joint mortgage, you must still be a legal owner as only an owner can mortgage a property

2. If you want the house now to be transferred into your sole name and if you think that keeping the property is going to be a realistic financial option in at least the medium term, it is likely that, as a condition of agreeing to this, your husband will also wish to be released from the mortgage(s). If you haven't already done so, you will need to approach the lender(s) to see if they would be prepared to release your husband from the debt. The only way that the legal title to the property can be transferred to you is if the lender(s) give their agreement

3.Have you enough info about your husband's finances to reach any legally binding agreement? You've given some info about your respective finances but a court would want to know much more before deciding what is fair as between the two of you. All of your respective finances have to be taken into account including your respective incomes, capital and pensions etc. On the basis of what you've said, I don't think that it's unreasonable for you to expect a transfer of the property into your sole name and also to receive, as a bare minimum, proper child support for your daughter

In general terms, you may find that it is less stressful to discuss the various matters that need to be resolved via family mediation rather than just face to face with your husband. If you search on google, you should be able to find out details of family mediators where you live

I hope this helps give you a few pointers for the future, but for now, remember to take things one day at a time. Feel free to ask more questions as matters progress

[Amethyst]

Re: Starting to empty my lake with a spoon.. one day to be a puddle... any advice ple

Morning RS, I have just merged threads as seems Kazza had duplicated her first post xx

[kazza292]

Re: Starting to empty my lake with a spoon.. one day to be a puddle... any advice ple

Well i think I am making some head way !!!!!

land registry had made an ERROR in leaving my name off which has been corrected and sent out to me with BOTH our names now on...

I met husband yesterday to talk.. it was amicable understanding from both we want this to be as cheap and easy as possible.

I stated i will be asking for divorce on grounds on unreasonable behaviour and although he was not at all keen for this at the beginning he understood that if we want it to be easy then this the most sensible way..he now agrees to this.

I explained staying in the house is my goal mostly for daughters sake as a move would really unsettle her/. He understands a consent order will be written at some point. and we started discussing who will have what etc which i thought went well.

I think keeping the house is possible with my dad to kindly help.
We have approx £40000 equity ( although i did pay £13000 of his debts into my own mortgage when we first met !!)
He agrees to have £10,000 share of equity which my ( kind) dad has said he will give him.. ( dad says its out of my inheritance fund and my sister will get more ).
We agree to leave pensions as they are.

he states i can sell caravan ( which my dad actually bought us ,to pay off some of my credit card debt which will hopefully allow me to re mortgage and with dad to also help reduce my monthly payment per month on Tesco loan ( as on line mortgage calculator liked this lower amount better allowing me £107000 on the figures i put in) current mortgage 103000) and only giving £87000 on the amount i currently pay. i checked with tesco and they said i can pay off some and reduce payments

and house contents agreed are mine and his car is his.
He has agreed to child maintenance each month of £250

So all in all no arguments and we have agreed on most if not all of the important things ? I hope this sounds right to you all ???? as i am completely alien to all this but trying to learn as i go

[jaguarsuk]

Re: Starting to empty my lake with a spoon.. one day to be a puddle... any advice ple

Well i think I am making some head way !!!!!

land registry had made an ERROR in leaving my name off which has been corrected and sent out to me with BOTH our names now on...

I met husband yesterday to talk.. it was amicable understanding from both we want this to be as cheap and easy as possible.

I stated i will be asking for divorce on grounds on unreasonable behaviour and although he was not at all keen for this at the beginning he understood that if we want it to be easy then this the most sensible way..he now agrees to this.

I explained staying in the house is my goal mostly for daughters sake as a move would really unsettle her/. He understands a consent order will be written at some point. and we started discussing who will have what etc which i thought went well.

I think keeping the house is possible with my dad to kindly help.
We have approx £40000 equity ( although i did pay £13000 of his debts into my own mortgage when we first met !!)
He agrees to have £10,000 share of equity which my ( kind) dad has said he will give him.. ( dad says its out of my inheritance fund and my sister will get more ).
We agree to leave pensions as they are.

he states i can sell caravan ( which my dad actually bought us ,to pay off some of my credit card debt which will hopefully allow me to re mortgage and with dad to also help reduce my monthly payment per month on Tesco loan ( as on line mortgage calculator liked this lower amount better allowing me £107000 on the figures i put in) current mortgage 103000) and only giving £87000 on the amount i currently pay. i checked with tesco and they said i can pay off some and reduce payments

and house contents agreed are mine and his car is his.
He has agreed to child maintenance each month of £250

So all in all no arguments and we have agreed on most if not all of the important things ? I hope this sounds right to you all ???? as i am completely alien to all this but trying to learn as i go

I'd say you have had a blinding result, these things can so quickly turn into a battle. As you have ironed out most of it, it's just about putting the practicalities in place.

Well done.

[kazza292]

Re: Starting to empty my lake with a spoon.. one day to be a puddle... any advice ple

feel sick// he said now he wont agree to unreasonable behaviour.. what do i do xx

[Amethyst]

Re: Starting to empty my lake with a spoon.. one day to be a puddle... any advice ple

To be honest it's not suprising, when it comes down to having fault written down many people decide that's not what they want and they don't feel they should have to accept the 'blame' so prefer to wait for the two years - no fault - divorce by consent. You can get all the financials agreed and written down, signed etc before you divorce, you don't have to put everything on hold for the two years, so you are basically agreeing to separate for two years with a view to divorce by consent at the end of it. See a brief overview here - https://www.moneyadviceservice.org.u...or-dissolution

There are some examples of companies doing fixed fees https://justbeagle.com/search?fixed_...arent_search=1 but looks a little pricey unless you already have the main points sorted ( range from £200 to over £1k ) but you can do it yourself, though you might find getting a half hour advice session from a solicitor will be worth it in the long run.

[jaguarsuk]

Re: Starting to empty my lake with a spoon.. one day to be a puddle... any advice ple

Alternatively you could ask him to file for divorce citing unreasonable behaviour by you if that's his issue and then you agree. It depends how bothered you are about the record of why you're divorced?

[kazza292]

Re: Starting to empty my lake with a spoon.. one day to be a puddle... any advice ple

Thanks all for advice.. I have a couple of questions about D8 form . ( I have spoken with a solicitor who says I can divorce for unreasonable behaviour, i need to ask him to let me know when he gets copy and if he doesn't i can arrange court bailiff..
Points are as follows I hope these are ok , because I've squeezed my brain out all weekend putting it together with my family and I'm fed up of seeing it now !!! )

The Respondent moved out of the marital home on request of the Petitioner on 19th August 2017 as the Petitioner had reached breaking point after an argument over finances the previous evening. The Petitioner desperately wanted to improve the joint financial situation as debts had been mounting over several years and were continuing to spiral. This has resulted in many sleepless nights that had left the Petitioner feeling very vulnerable and worried. The Respondent was not willing to take the mountain of debt seriously or listen to the Petitioners concerns.

During the last 6 months prior to the separation the Respondent would not attempt to resolve disagreements constructively and would not look directly at the Petitioner or make eye contact often speaking with his back towards the Petitioner or walking off into another room. This made the Petitioner feel that the Respondent did not care about the marriage and made the Petitioner feel lonely with a constant feeling of "walking on egg shells".

The Respondent has for many years drunk alcohol to excess. The Petitioner became uncomfortable and upset in the Respondents company when he was drunk as sensible or meaningful conversation would not be possible. The Petitioner and Respondent would often argue when the Petitioner voiced concerns and fears about future illness in relation to excess alcohol. The Respondent was unwilling to accept this as a possibility or cut down his alcohol intake. This caused extreme worry for the Petitioner.

The Respondent is moody and short tempered with an overpowering manner not allowing the Petitioner to have the opportunity to speak or voice own opinions. This led the Petitioner to feel frustrated and undervalued.

Over a number of years the Petitioner has not engaged in an intimate or loving relationship with the Respondent to the extent that the Respondent has moved permanently out of the marital bed. This has left the Petitioner feeling unattractive and unloved.


Q1. Section 5.. we both live in Wales and carry on intending to do so so do I just tick the first box about habitual residence and don't need to tick the last one about domicile residence ??

Q2. Section 10.. I intend to ask solicitor when forms come back to draw up a financial order/ consent order so i take it i tick here yes and for both myself and child.. ( do i tick or cross boxes btw )

Q3. My dad thinks it is a good idea when putting down the longish paragraph above about the grounds for divorce on a typed out sheet as it probably wont all fir in the box and attach it and put in the box please see attached form as it is neater ?? but wasn't sure on this. and if i can do this or is it better hand written . Just don't want any mistakes .. Thank you for your help