Threat of a Money Claim

[PlanB]

Re: Threat of a Money Claim

I also feel very guilty leaving my brother in this situation if we don't make up, but I can hardly live with my aunty forever, there just isn't room.

What's the timeline here? When is the wedding? Where is the wedding (UK or US)? When will you leave to live in the US?


And then let's consider the family dynamics. How long have you been living with your aunty? Is your aunty your mother's sister or your late father's sister. Is there any reason for your mother to see your aunty as a threat because you prefer to live with her and not your mother? That would make me proper angry if my daughter preferred my horrid sister to me!

[MissFM]

Re: Threat of a Money Claim

What's your Aunty's view?

[PlanB]

Re: Threat of a Money Claim

but my dad died a while ago. In the week leading up to this, some developments happened relating to the hospital negligence he suffered as well as my granddad having an op to remove a cancerous tumour so I've been questioning whether this is a reaction to stress or some kind of breakdown.

^^^^ I think her reaction may well be due to an accumulation of these traumatic events. The thing is you also suffered these traumas so you and your mother should be on the same side right now not fighting each other. I guess the 'money thing' is a tangible issue whereas death is harder to argue.

My heart goes out to you

[MissFM]

Re: Threat of a Money Claim

It would be nice to think so. However, the OP has indicated that there is a long history of unpleasant behaviour.





One also suspects that if this follows the usual pattern, the 'making up' will consist largely of the other person giving way.

Enquirer - did you get out of bed the wrong side this morning?:caked:

[powerchord]

Re: Threat of a Money Claim

MissFM, I didn't mean to imply that you were trying to guilt trip me! That's just something that's been playing on my mind for a long time, as yes, as someone suggested much earlier in the thread I help out a lot with things that my dad used to do ie helping her with renewing things like car insurance, helping her find the cheapest deal for bills, helping her with letters etc. Obviously now I am angry with her but I still worry about her as she's never had to do any of those things herself. I also feel very guilty leaving my brother in this situation if we don't make up, but I can hardly live with my aunty forever, there just isn't room.

Enquirer, your suspicions would be correct there.

[MissFM]

Re: Threat of a Money Claim

but I firmly believe that if this is something deeper like a breakdown then she won't get help until she realises she needs it.

Well - it certainly looks like that. Also there is the menopause to consider...grief for your Dad... you two leaving the nest..it's huge, what she's going through. I do entreat you to seek sympathetic medical help, for all your sakes. :hug:

[enquirer]

Re: Threat of a Money Claim

"A vicious streak" Good grief, that's a massive assumption [...] I hope this recent incident is a one-off which can be mended.

It would be nice to think so. However, the OP has indicated that there is a long history of unpleasant behaviour.

... but knowing her that would make her angry.

She usually just says hurtful things in the heat of the moment and we make up afterwards.

One also suspects that if this follows the usual pattern, the 'making up' will consist largely of the other person giving way.

[MissFM]

Re: Threat of a Money Claim

Everything falling to my brother is something I've felt guilty of ever since I got engaged.

No - I wasn't trying to guilt trip you, not at all!

Just trying to think around what would be best for you all - that elusive "win-win" situation that I believe to be available however trying the circumstances may appear

[powerchord]

Re: Threat of a Money Claim

I know this isn't your question but it really does sound as if your mother could do with a lot of help & support - have you thought further about consulting your GP? Or other agencies? When you go to the States this is all going to fall on your little brother......

I agree. She is currently undergoing occupational therapy (she's a staff nurse!) and has been ever since she returned to work after my dad's death as she has problems with sleeping etc so can no longer do night shifts and such. My concern is that she is very, very adept at putting on an act or a mask for the outside world, I'm not sure how honest she is with the occy health lady but if she keeps up the act whilst she's there then it won't be of much use.

Everything falling to my brother is something I've felt guilty of ever since I got engaged. He's 19 and a sensible kid but it's a lot to deal with especially as he's trying to get through uni. She does have close friends (who undoubtedly think I'm the worst person in the world right now, the last time we had a falling out she told people that I punched her!) who would hopefully be able to help, but I firmly believe that if this is something deeper like a breakdown then she won't get help until she realises she needs it.

[MissFM]

Re: Threat of a Money Claim

I know this isn't your question but it really does sound as if your mother could do with a lot of help & support - have you thought further about consulting your GP? Or other agencies? When you go to the States this is all going to fall on your little brother......

[powerchord]

Re: Threat of a Money Claim

MissFM, your question about her leaving the keys in the locks is the kicker. She had gone out to work the next day and would have been locked out when she came home. My guess is she would have locked the back door from the inside and left the key in the lock, then slammed the self-locking front door on herself, forgetting she'd left the key in that lock also. She would have had to have called a locksmith herself to be able to get in. As there were keys on the inside of both locks I have no idea how else she would have got back in when she got home as there were no open windows etc. I don't think she realised that she'd done it.

My brother is furious with her. They will probably make up in time though.

Thanks for all the reassurances, especially about the visa.

[MissFM]

Re: Threat of a Money Claim

I can relate to that. Whenever my daughter points out my flaws (believe it or not I have many ) I always get cross. When she was young I could say "don't answer back" or "go to your room" now she's 28 years old and taller than me it's a bit difficult. I tend to walk out of the restaurant and leave her to pay the bill

It usually happens when she's trying to get me to see things from her perspective, and yes I regularly call her a "smartarse" because she is from my perspective msl:

Quite, PlanB - who'd have'm? x

[PlanB]

Re: Threat of a Money Claim

whenever we have argued in the past, if I try to rationalise a situation, explain myself or anything of the sort she just gets very angry and doesn't want to know. She has also, in the past, felt that I try to be clever or a "smartass" if I try to rationalise or explain things when really I'm just trying to get her to see things from my perspective.

I can relate to that. Whenever my daughter points out my flaws (believe it or not I have many ) I always get cross. When she was young I could say "don't answer back" or "go to your room" now she's 28 years old and taller than me it's a bit difficult. I tend to walk out of the restaurant and leave her to pay the bill

It usually happens when she's trying to get me to see things from her perspective, and yes I regularly call her a "smartarse" because she is from my perspective msl:

[PlanB]

Re: Threat of a Money Claim

I don't think you need worry about your US visa.

^^^^ I agree with MissFM on that point. Only a criminal conviction would have a negative impact on your US visa application. In which case make an extra effort to keep things calm so your mother doesn't have any reason to call the police if things get heated.

[MissFM]

Re: Threat of a Money Claim

What I meant is that she had left the keys inside the locks on the inside of the house, so that the keys I had would not slot into the locks on the outside properly. So even though my brother (who had driven me back from his halls of residence) had keys, I was still locked out as I was unable to use them. Hope that makes sense! It does make sense - but what doesn't is that if she were out the next day there would be no key on the inside of the lock so yours should have worked (I know it's academic, but it just puzzles me why the locksmith).

I did actually send her a letter (recorded post) today. It explained both my hurt, confusion and worry over the situation. I was careful not to make the letter patronising, accusing or insulting. I also mentioned my confusion over the letter she sent as the totals were incorrect. I mentioned a few of the correct totals and said that I hope she remembered spending money on the stairs etc and how devastated I am that she would accuse me of stealing/keeping this money. I'm hoping that might convince her to stave off legal action and possibly come round in time, but I am fully expecting a barrage of angry phone calls once she receives it. During a neighbour dispute in the past she responded to an olive branch letter that they sent with a solicitor's letter saying "do not contact me" so that might also be a possibility. Very well done - let's hope for the best (but, from what you say, prepare for the worst)

For the poster who asked why this would make her angry (can't scroll back that far to see who it was!) whenever we have argued in the past, if I try to rationalise a situation, explain myself or anything of the sort she just gets very angry and doesn't want to know. She has also, in the past, felt that I try to be clever or a "smartass" if I try to rationalise or explain things when really I'm just trying to get her to see things from my perspective. It's a very difficult balancing act trying to make up with her without angering her further.

Keep us posted - we are all on your side here and hoping it will work out for you.

Also, FWIW, (and others may disagree) I don't think you need worry about your US visa.

What does your brother make of it all?