Problem with my daughter and her ex partner

[cacran]

Can I ask some questions:

Is the ex-boyfriend violent?

Looking at it from his point of view, is he being that unreasonable? This is a home he has paid part of the deposit for, and half of the mortgage. Why is he being excluded? Why should it be him who has to move out, rather than your daughter? His suggestion that he will break in may be no more than his way of saying that excluding him is unfair, and can you honestly say he's wrong about that?

Can I also suggest that the starting point to sorting this out is the trust deed. Do you have a copy? To be practical about this, you need to reassure the ex-bf that you will buy him out of his share of the house, remove him from the mortgage, and let him have a fair share of any joint belongings, so he can make a fresh start elsewhere.

And I suggest you make a deliberately generous offer, so he can see it's worth his while to accept it, rather than spending a fortune on lawyers.

He is being excluded because there is an 8 year old child, not his, living there. Where could he sleep? He has had an affair with someone else, and allegedly stole money from her.

He has now been in and taken his things, although he says he wants the dishwasher and the suite that he bought. He took his TV, laptop, ipad etc. He is living with his parents. They live miles away, he lived there when they first met, when our daughter and grandaughter lived in a rented apartment. His mother wanted him to live near her,as his sister and family do. She wanted our daughter and grandaughter to amalgamate with their lifestyle of living close together, in and out of each other's houses. His mother condoned his affair as the woman he was with lived around the corner. His mother told him that this woman, who was also a friend of his sister) had split with her partner and father of her children. The couple even went for nights out with him and the woman. He lead a double life, all this Summer.

My daughter has lived in the area of her home for many years. She works in the area and her daughter goes to the village school. She has many friendships around where she lives who are being supportive of her.

Bearing in mind all of this, I think it is understandable that he not be allowed in the home.

He is being unreasonable in my opinion. He didn't want her suite from her apartment so took it to the tip to get another one. When their dishwasher broke down, her Grandad offered to give her his but her partner turned his nose up at the offer. It was not her fault that he replaced these, so I deem them to be partially hers, but should he insist he can take them.

There is one thing that he wants money for and that is for the drive which he paid for relaying and the patio, path and fence that he paid for in the garden. Realistically they have put no extra value to the property, she did not want them doing, either. The original ones were adequate.

[2222]

If they go at it hammer and tongs, they can spend a good deal more than £5k each on lawyers. Of course, they should sort it out amicably between them and avoid wasting that money.

If I understand correctly, the property was bought for £150k and is worth a little less than that now. If they sell, there'll be fees to pay and so they'll get under £150k back. Some of that will go to pay the mortgage, and there may not be enough to pay her £75k and him £10k.

Has any capital been paid off the mortgage? The mortgage may have an early redemption charge if they sell up now. You'll need to collect this data so you can work out what each of them is likely to get if the property is sold. The calculations are not hard, but we can help if necessary.

Then they will have to decide whether actually to sell the property or one of them should buy the other out.

If your daughter is buying out the boyfriend, bear in mind that she benefits from staying in the property, eg the decorations are to her taste and she's not actually paying an estate agent to sell it. So, offer him a fair bit more than he'd get from a sale. It's easy for me to spend your money, but it's clearly worth paying a bit more now if it avoids wasting much more on legal fees later.

[2222]

"He is being excluded because there is an 8 year old child, not his, living there. Where could he sleep? He has had an affair with someone else, and allegedly stole money from her."

Your daughter could just as well take her child and come and live with you. You have not given an objective reason why he should be the one to move out and live with his parents. I'm playing the devil's advocate because it's important that you think about things from both points of view.



"There is one thing that he wants money for and that is for the drive which he paid for relaying and the patio, path and fence that he paid for in the garden. Realistically they have put no extra value to the property, she did not want them doing, either. The original ones were adequate."

I think you just have to compromise on all this. You want him to move out and stay out, so you'll need both parties to be more or less satisfied. You're effectively going back over all sorts of decisions made over a 6 years relationship and trying to pick them apart. Of course, some of those decisions were poor financially. That's what happens, but it's a bit late now to start apportioning blame.

If the ex- is living with his parents, what does he need a suite and a dishwasher for? Is this just a bargaining ploy?

It's lovely to see that you are so supportive of your daughter, but now is the time for a bit of give and take on both sides, as otherwise the couple can spend far more on legal fees than is actually in dispute. And, if they go the legal route, all that will achieve is some tired, fed-up judge making some decisions for the couple that they are perfectly capable of making for themselves.

[2222]

"What questions should she ask at the solicitors? She gets one hour free of fees, so needs to use it wisely."

The only question worth asking is how to avoid needing his services.

[Jinxer]

Your daughter seems to be safe from him being violent towards her and I would try and use the fact of him trying to get her back to her advantage somehow.
I would start off by actually asking the ex what he want's money wise first. If you can put all his past to the side for the moment and just try and sit amicably and ask him what he thinks fair. He's going to at the least want his 10k back, but at the minute all their doing is arguing over a dishwasher when sorting the property out should be your main focus.
What you need to look at is what you want to achieve and work hard to get to that end. Remember he has no responsibility to your daughter now so all the he did this and that is meaningless at the moment and only takes your focus off the main issues.

My Solicitor estimated my costs to be £500 at our first meeting, 5k later I had had enough of them not getting nowhere and stopped the use of their services. They did nothing that I couldn't of done myself if I had a clear head. That was over 15 years ago.
Take the Trust deed document with you and the valuation for the property and see if the Solicitor will calculate what the ex should get back and use that advice to negotiate a settlement between yourselves.
One thing to remember is no matter what the ex has done he will want back at the very least what he's put in and your daughter not being able to manage financially going forward will have no bearing on him whatsoever. At the minute he stands to lose 10k and you daughter stands to lose 75k.

[Jinxer]

The Deed of Trust only seems to me to protect the initial deposits paid and then everything else 50-50.
If the property was to sell tomorrow for 150k, they would both lose a substantial amount of money. Solicitors fees on top of that don't look a very good outcome for either of them.

[cacran]

It seems to me that the only option is for her to speak to him, tell him that she wants to clear the mortgage, give him hi £10k and whatever more things he deems to be his.

The valuer said that the work he paid for on the drive an patio does not increase the value of the house. Nothing was decorated by them, all carpets included. Every bit of furniture except the dishwasher, washing machine and suite belonged to her when she met him. Other than mortgage all bills were paid 50/50.

We need to get the questions right for the solicitor next week.

[Jinxer]

I notice you have already had valuations done, so this has been ongoing for while. Has anyone actually asked the ex what he want's, that would be a good place to start.

[cacran]

I notice you have already had valuations done, so this has been ongoing for while. Has anyone actually asked the ex what he want's, that would be a good place to start.

He now says he wants £20,000 and says he will walk away with that. He wants contact with her daughter who is 8 years old. He has spoken to her on the phone but my daughter says he can't see her. She is not his child and she thinks he will be a poor influence on her, maybe using her to get back with her mum, our daughter.