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Joke of the day

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  • #16
    Re: Joke of the day

    A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.


    The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."

    The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

    **************

    My friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her elderly mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access the popular Ask Jeeves website, and we told her it could answer any question she had.
    Nancy's mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, "It's true, Mom.
    Think of something to ask it." As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy's mother thought a minute, then responded, "How is Aunt Helen feeling?"

    *********************

    I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee. I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink the cool coffee quickly. At the window, there was a delay. Finally, the clerk came to the window looking frustrated, and announced, "I'm having a problem. The ice keeps melting."


    ********************

    The mother and father had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.
    The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 AM the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"
    "Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.
    Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."

    Comment


    • #17
      Re: Joke of the day

      Forbidden love
      They were alone in the house. It was a cold, dark, stormy night. The storm had come up quickly and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump.
      She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance. She wished he would take her in his arms, comfort her, protect her from the storm, she wanted that....
      Then the power went out. She screamed. He raced to the sofa where she was cowering. He did not hesitate to pull her into his arms.
      He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back. He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him.
      The storm raged on, as did their growing passion.... There came a moment when each knew they had to be together.
      They knew it was wrong... their families would not understand ... but... so consumed in their passion, they didn't hear the door open... the click of the light switch ... the power was back on, and.............
      CAUGHT..........











      You can't scare me, I have children.

      Comment


      • #18
        Re: Joke of the day

        pmsl btw LOVE it
        When we love, we always strive to become better than we are.

        When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.

        Paulo Coelho

        Comment


        • #19
          Re: Joke of the day

          This is absolutely hilarious. I'm still laughing
          The Facecloth
          ( not exactly a joke but apparently a true story.not mine I hasten to add)


          I was due for a smear with the doctor later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am.
          I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pyjamas, wet the facecloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable.I threw the facecloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
          I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an EXTRA effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond. After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.
          The rest of the day was normal - some shopping, cleaning, &cooking. After school when my 7 year old daughter was playing, she calledout from the bathroom, "Mummy, where's my facecloth?" I told her to get another one from the cupboard.She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink,it had all my glitter saved inside it."
          NEVER going back to that doctor ever!!
          "What makes the desert beautiful is that somewhere it hides a well." - Antione de Saint Exupery

          "Always reach for the moon, if you miss you'll end up among the stars"


          Comment


          • #20
            Re: Joke of the day

            msl:Absolutely brilliant!!!!
            You can't scare me, I have children.

            Comment


            • #21
              Re: Joke of the day

              Still LMFAO!!!! That is a classic

              Comment


              • #22
                Re: Joke of the day

                :rofl::rofl:
                Member of the Beagles £2 coin and small change savers clubs, both based in the Debt Forum:11:

                Comment


                • #23
                  Re: Joke of the day



                  YouTube - ARMAGEDDON!!! - Radio announcer struggles with funny story!

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    Re: Joke of the day

                    On my way home from work the other day walking past a mental asylum, I heard lots of people chanting " 13! 13! 13! " So I found a hole in the fence, I looked through and some f****r poked me in the eye! Then they all started chanting " 14! 14! 14! "

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      Re: Joke of the day

                      Jack proposed to Jill but before they can marry he confesses his penis is infant sized, Jill says "I love you and i'll learn to live with it." On the wedding night Jill slid her hand into his pants and she starts screaming, Jack asks "whats wrong?" " I thought you said your penis was infant sized" says Jill, "It is" Jack replied " Its 7lbs 4oz and 16 inches long"

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        Re: Joke of the day

                        Friday Funny

                        A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

                        "That is highly unlikely," says the doctor. "Please, show me,"

                        So she takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. Then she pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so on and so forth.

                        Finally the doctor looks at her and says, "You're not really a brunette are you? You're really a blonde, right?"

                        She looks surprised and says, "Yes, Doctor!!" "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          Re: Joke of the day

                          Originally posted by lee in wales View Post
                          Jack proposed to Jill but before they can marry he confesses his penis is infant sized, Jill says "I love you and i'll learn to live with it." On the wedding night Jill slid her hand into his pants and she starts screaming, Jack asks "whats wrong?" " I thought you said your penis was infant sized" says Jill, "It is" Jack replied " Its 7lbs 4oz and 16 inches long"

                          LMFAO!!!!

                          Comment


                          • #28
                            Re: Joke of the day

                            I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...

                            Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

                            Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

                            "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
                            She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
                            You can't scare me, I have children.

                            Comment


                            • #29
                              Re: Joke of the day
                              WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!!

                              Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

                              'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

                              'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door.

                              Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.

                              'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'

                              I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a F*cking good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.
                              What part of 'broke' do you not understand?'

                              Comment


                              • #30
                                Re: Joke of the day

                                POSSIBLY THE BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR
                                A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to
                                her mother overseas.
                                When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: 'I don't have
                                any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother.'
                                The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).
                                'Anything?' he asked.
                                'Yes, yes, anything' the blonde promised.
                                "Well, then, Just follow me' said the man as he walked towards the next
                                room.
                                The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
                                'Come in and close the door' the man said.
                                She did.
                                He then said 'Now get on your knees.'
                                She did.
                                'Now take down my zipper.'
                                She did.
                                'Now go ahead ... take it out.....' He said.
                                She reached in and grabbed it with both hands .
                                Then paused.
                                The man closed his eyes and whispered ...
                                'Well ... go ahead.'
                                The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it
                                close to her lips, ..... tentatively said ....









                                'Hello. Mom, can you hear me?'

                                Comment

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