Joke of the day

[stevokenevo]

Enjoy

Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.

Nancy sprays it on her wrist and smells it, ‘That's quite nice, don't you think, Kathy?’

Kathy takes a sniff and replies, ‘That is nice. What's it called?’

‘Viens a moi,’ replies Nancy.

‘Viens a moi? What the heck does that mean?’

At this stage the assistant offers some help. ‘Viens a moi, ladies, means 'come to me' in French.’

Nancy takes another sniff, then offers her arm to Kathy again, and remarks, ‘That doesn't smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?’

[Amethyst]

Re: Joke of the day

pmsl eau de jiz

[EXC]

Re: Joke of the day

How do you know when an Essex girl reaches a climax?

She drops her chips.




What do Essex girls say after sex?

''Do you all play for the same team?''

[stevokenevo]

Re: Joke of the day

Tommy Cooper Jokes

Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
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'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '
'No, because he's really heavy'

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'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.'
'Well you can't say fairer than that then'
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Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
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So I went to the dentist.
He said 'Say Aaah.'
I said 'Why?'
He said 'My dog's died.'
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'
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So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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So I rang up a local building firm,
I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
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So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he
said 'You've been promoted.'
And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said
'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'
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Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me
'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'
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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give
me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
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Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other
'Does this taste funny to you?'
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
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You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice.
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A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'
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A man walked into the doctors,
he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'well don't go to those places'
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I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.
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I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
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Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.
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Phone answering machine message -
'...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key...'
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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.
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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
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I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.

They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all
that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.
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Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.'
The other one says 'So are you, you fat slob!'
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Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and
expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

[stevokenevo]

Re: Joke of the day

Wednesdays offering

A family was travelling on vacation when they came across a petting zoo. The children asked if they could stop, and the parents said okay. At the zoo, they saw and touched many animals and had a great time.
While driving to their next vacation stop the father noticed the kids playing with something. He asked, "What have you kids got back there?" The children then produced a very cute baby skunk.
The father was horrified because he realized that they had taken this skunk from the zoo. To teach his kids a lesson he told them that if they got caught they could go to jail for this.
While he was reprimanding his children he hadn't noticed that he was speeding and had just gone through a speed trap. When the police car came after him he thought that they must have found out about the skunk and that was why they were stopping him.
He told the kids to keep quiet and give the skunk to their mother. He then told her to hide the skunk. She said, "Where am I going to hide it?"
The father said to put it under her dress and hold it between her legs until the police left.

She said, "But it stinks!"

The father replied, "Well, can't you just hold his little nose?"

[Xena]

Re: Joke of the day

PMSL - Where are you getting all these jokes from???

[Paule]

Re: Joke of the day

PMSL - Where are you getting all these jokes from???

I think its the Krankies Joke Book



pmsl

[ByTheWay]

Re: Joke of the day

HEALTH CARE




A woman noticed that a man was masturbating in a hospital room with the door wide open. "Oh my God!" screamed the woman, "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?" The doctor that was leading the tour explained, "I am very sorry. but this man has a serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they'll explode and he'll die within minutes." "Oh well, in that case, I guess it's OK," commented the woman.

In the very next room they could see that a female nurse was performing oral sex on a different male patient. Again the woman screamed, "Oh my God! How can that be justified?" The doctor replied. "Same illness, better health plan."

[Deller]

Re: Joke of the day

Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly.
2nd Child: Why are you crying?

1st Child: I came here for a blood test.

2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?

1st Child: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

At this, the second one started crying profusely.

The first one was astonished.

1st Child: Why are you crying now?

2nd Child: I came for a urine test !

[calamity jane]

Re: Joke of the day

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their
camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, 'You going
to die. But we sorry for you, so we give you one wish a day for
three days. On sundown of third day you die. 'What is your first
wish?' The cowboy says, 'I want to see my horse The Indians get
his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then
slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later the
horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse
and goes into the tepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each
other, figuring typical white man can only think of one thing.'

The second day, the chief says, 'What your wish today?' The cowboy says,
'I want to see my horse again.' The Indians bring him his horse.
The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the
horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes
back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the tepee with
the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, 'Typical white
man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing The
last day comes, and the chief says, 'This your last wish, white man.
What you want?' The cowboy says, 'I want to see my horse again.'
The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by
both ears, twists them hard and yells, 'Read my lips! POSSE, dammit!
POSSE

[Paule]

Re: Joke of the day

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny,"

He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go".

***************

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price. The motorcycle is missing a seal, though, so whenever it rains Steve has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

Steve’s girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents one evening. He drives his new motorcycle to his girlfriend’s house.

She is waiting outside for him when he arrives. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word. Our family had a fight a while ago about doing the dinner dishes. We haven't done any since... and the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and soon notices that his girlfriend wasn’t exaggerating. It is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen and nobody is saying a word. Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her onto the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her father is obviously livid, and her mother is horrified. Yet, when Steve and his girlfriend resume their placs at the dinner table, nobody says a word.

A few minutes later, Steve grabs his girlfriend’s mom, throws her onto the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her father is boiling, and her mother is a little more pleased. But still, there is complete silence at the table.

Suddenly, there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle outside and so he jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline.

With a look of terror in his eyes, the girlfriend’s father backs away from the table and exclaims, "Okay, enough already, I'll do the damn dishes!"

*******************

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

[stevokenevo]

Re: Joke of the day

May May Glorious May.

Thursdays offering

A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman.

After a few minutes he turns to her and says,"Can I smell your pussy?"

The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"

"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."

[Xena]

Re: Joke of the day

Just wiping the coffee off my screen!

PMSL

[ByTheWay]

Re: Joke of the day

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately
spotted a large, beautiful parrot..
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said,
'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to
live in a house of Prostitution
and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.' The woman thought about this, but decided
she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up
in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
'New house, new madam.'

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
but then thought 'that's really not so bad.'

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school
the bird saw them and said,
'New house, new madam, new girls.'

The girls and the woman were a bit offended
but then began to laugh about the situation
considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith
came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said.....
.........
.........
.........

'Hi, Keith!'

[EXC]

Re: Joke of the day

Doctor: Morning, what's the problem?

Bloke: I've got a cricket ball stuck up my ar*e

Doctor: How's that?

Bloke: Oh don't you start..