Friday smile

[PAWS]

Re: Friday smile

Many years ago, I had to go to an old farm house and noticed that the skirting boards were just splinters of wood. A friend told me later that he always had his shotgun with him and when a mouse or rat (of which he had quite a lot) ran across the room he shot at it! Needless to say, he was a bachelor!
By the way Crazy Council, that is a cracker and thanks for the 'ear worm' for the rest of the day!

[slainte caragh]

Re: Friday smile

When my granny was 60 she took to walking a mile a day. She is now 97 and we have NO IDEA where she is!

[PAWS]

Re: Friday smile

Bit lively up here in North Wales -

[des8]

Re: Friday smile

You got it a bit blowier than us in West Wales, [MENTION=31453]PAWS[/MENTION], but I watched our wych elm rocking on its base and thought I might be having a lot of unexpected fire wood!

[PAWS]

Re: Friday smile

Blimey! That was a lively night (and I don’t say that too often these days) I think it will be a while before anyone around here will be able to brush their hair forward! Lost power early evening but came back in the early hours so fair play to the electricity and telephone boys (and I say that even less these days)

[slainte caragh]

Re: Friday smile

I cannot breathe I am laughing so hard, I swear to God this just happened in my house!

I am in the process of decorating my house and my daughter (aged 14) has found a box full of creams and potions.

One of which is foot cream, and she has just had this complete rant!

"Mam, what is the point of foot cream? I mean, it's not as though some random person is going to go round touching your feet on the bus! Hold on Missus, get ya shoes and socks off I wanna feel ya feet!

And why does it smell so nice? It's not as though the same random stranger is gonna sniff ya feet is it? You'd call the cops! What's the point Mam? I don't get it! Why is it so nice? You would think foot cream wouldn't smell... but there shouldn't be foot cream should there, what's the point of it? Mam.. mam stop laughing at me!"

I can't see for laughing!

[slainte caragh]

Re: Friday smile

I don't know about you, but here it is blowy, wet and bloody horrible so let's have a giggle.

Actual things I have done to a telemarketer!

A list of the torture I have put these poor souls through.

#10 Handed the phone to my (then) 3 year old son and told him it was Santa.
#9 Asked them to hold, put the phone on the side and took the dogs out
#8 Answered each question with "Would you like fries with that?"
#7 Answered the phone "Barnsley Crem you kill em we grill em!" - I have also done this to my former boss!
#6 In response to "I only need to ask you 3 questions" answered "Yes, no and it hurt!" and put the phone down.
#5 Tried to sell THEM double glazing
#4 put my best friend Nich on the phone and said "kill!" I couldn't see for laughing by the time he finished
#3 pretended to be a voicemail... complete with hitting a button so there was a bleep!
#2 Let them get halfway through their speil and asked them if they could repeat it.. 4 times.
#1 Put the God channel on the TV and the phone in front of the speaker, then went shopping ... my hubby asked why we were listening to Rock of Ages 2 hours later

[Crazy council]

Re: Friday smile

lol

Actual things I have done to a telemarketer!

It was fun when i had a home phone/modem line, not so easy now ATAT http://michaelgellis.tripod.com/modem.html 419 calls and emails used to be fun as well, I just dont get time to have that sort of fun anymore.....

anyhow


There are two kinds of lawyers: those who know the law and those who know the judge.

How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a photo? A: Just say, "Fees!"

[slainte caragh]

Re: Friday smile

A big strapping rugby player goes in to the pub and bumps in to a little wizened old woman with a hook nose, 3 teeth, a hairy mole and a wart on the side of her nose.

When he apologises she says "It's your lucky day sonny! I am a leprachaun and I shall grant you 3 wishes if you will kiss me and give me a bit of slap and tickle!"

He readily agrees and wishes for a BMW, 50 million pounds and a go go dancer who can cook as his wife!

"All granted!" she smiles, so the rugby player takes her in to the back room and fulfils his part of the bargain.

When they come out, the leprachaun lady asks him "How old are you sonny?"

"I'm 37!" He replies

"And you still believe in leprachauns?!?!?"

[slainte caragh]

Re: Friday smile

Stolen from my brother

Bloke goes to a restaurant and is told to pick his own fish, he chooses a lil green squid with a furry lip.

The waiter catches it then takes it to the commis chef.

Commis chef says "no no I cant kill the little green squid with the furry lip!"

Sous chef says "no no I cant kill the little green squid with the furry lip"



Chef Hans says oh ffs lemme do it. Takes one look and goes "no no I cant kill the lil green squid with the furry lip"


a voice from the dining room echoes round the kitchen

"Now Hans has become soft and gentle, with mild green furry lip squid!"

[Crazy council]

Re: Friday smile

Whoever invented the knock knock jokes

He deserves a No-Bell prize

[thedirtyhound]

Re: Friday smile

Stolen from my brother

Bloke goes to a restaurant and is told to pick his own fish, he chooses a lil green squid with a furry lip.

The waiter catches it then takes it to the commis chef.

Commis chef says "no no I cant kill the little green squid with the furry lip!"

Sous chef says "no no I cant kill the little green squid with the furry lip"



Chef Hans says oh ffs lemme do it. Takes one look and goes "no no I cant kill the lil green squid with the furry lip"


a voice from the dining room echoes round the kitchen

"Now Hans has become soft and gentle, with mild green furry lip squid!"

Sorry, but that was awful!

[charitynjw]

Re: Friday smile



Go on then...I dare you!

[slainte caragh]

Re: Friday smile

Sorry, but that was awful!

Yeh so bad it's funny

[slainte caragh]

Re: Friday smile

The day finally arrives: Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven.

He is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

The gates are closed however, as Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. St. Peter says, "Well Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds "It sure is good to be here St.Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest, but the test I have for you is only three questions. 1. What days of the week begin with the letter T? 2. How many seconds are there in a year? 3. What is God's first name?"

Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to St. Peter to try to answer the exam questions.

St. Peter waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one - how many days of the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That's not what I was thinking, but....you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asks St.Peter.

"How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "But I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded St. Peter says,"Twelve!? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second....."

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's first name?"

Forrest replied, "Andy."

"OK, OK," said a frustrated St.Peter, "I guess I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you came up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"That was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied "I learned it from the song..... "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN"