YAY!! Its the crap joke thread!!

[Hurricane Puffrose]

After an afternoon with my neice, I have a few jokes.. and they are DIABLOODYBOLICAL!

Mama Polar Bear and baby are sitting on an ice floe and baby suddenly asks
"Mama, what kind of bear are we?"
"We are polar bears Baby"
"Are you sure Mama?"
"yes Baby, we are polar bears."
"But are you SURE we are polar bears Mama?"
"Baby, we are pure white, we eat seals and we are sitting on a bloody ICE FLOE.. What other kind of bear would we be?? Why do you ask?"
"Cos my bum's freezing!!!"


What's brown, comes from a cow and rings like a bell?
DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UNG!!

2 snowmen are standing in a field and one says " 'ere, Neville, can you smell carrots??"

please feel free to add your own

[MissFM]

Re: YAY!! Its the crap joke thread!!

Will try to think of some that are not too non-PC HPR! xx

[leclerc]

Re: YAY!! Its the crap joke thread!!

What's brown and stickie?

A stick

[Hurricane Puffrose]

Re: YAY!! Its the crap joke thread!!

one from my beloved idiot brother..

2 cookies are in the oven, 1 says Blimey its hot in here, the other says ARGH talking cookie!!

What's worse than a bull in a china shop?
A hedgehog in a condom factory

[seduraed]

Re: YAY!! Its the crap joke thread!!

Cameron and Clegg are flying to a meeting in a small aircraft. Cameron opens his wallett takes out £50 and throws it out of the door. "There he says that will make someone down there happy" clegg leans across the aisle and says "why not throw yourself out of the door and make everyone down there happy?"

[CleverClogs]

Re: YAY!! Its the crap joke thread!!

it is funny babies are babies

And spammers are spammers.

[supermac9]

Re: YAY!! Its the crap joke thread!!

Here's some for you all.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!


My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.


Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Blow that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.


I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said "You're obviously not listening."


The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the ** thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?"
"I'm sending a voicemail ya thick eejit !"

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.

19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

Aplogies if anyone takes offence at some of these, but I thought they were funny!