legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

[MissFM]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

Bobs, you are most welcome :hugx

[Inca]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

Oh,,you're welcome from me too hun x The advantage you have is we are all here voluntarily to help (if we can) and draw from our own lifes experiences.
My son was only 6 when I split with his Dad...and, as much as it irked me at the time, I never laid down access rules per se...he could see our son whenever he wanted (as it turned out he was USELESS as a Dad so the whole thing worked out perfectly)..now my sons 25 and barely bothers with him,,he might get a random text/call now and then but nothing to write home about and NOW Dad regrets not being a major player in the game,,and it's too flipping late,my son has his own life and makes his own choices (altho his Dad did ring me just before he left home to marry his 2nd wife asking me if I'd consider taking him back......:rofl

It'll all work out fine bobs......just stay being 'the bigger person'

[bobs2405]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

inca with what you have just written abut your ex i take so much strength from because i could never want that with my kids they are the apples of my eyes and even the thought of them not being bothered if im in their lives scares the life out of me, the only thing i regret about leaving my ex is the fact they are not in my life 24/7 but id rather have 1-2 days a week and spend quality time with them than spend 7 days a week and being unhappy

and you def made the right decision in not taking him back lol

[bobs2405]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

hey every1 i went round to talk to my ex about mediation went ok she wasn't to happy about it but i was fair and firm with her saying i believe that this is the only way forward as we both know where we stand and it can be agreed must admit it got a bit frayed between us and there was a bit of mud slinging on both sides and she was being very hypocritical saying in one breath she does not want me to treat my biological and step daughter differently then saying ive got no rights over her but i explained to her that if we went to court and a judge stated i could have my daughter then it would solely be on her that they are split as i would like them both

quite a lot was said but i held my own and told her that this is something that is going to happen she didn't like it but needs to accept it must admit i got the hump a bit when all i heard was ive got to take her feelings into consideration but she would never take mine into consideration but when it started going to turn nasty i just said that i come round to tell you what ive said and think its best i leave and left

[MissFM]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

Hi Bobs

Sorry I'm having serious connectivity probs at the mo due to the weather.

You have to keep cool, you really do.

The main thing that occurs to me - offered in the hope that it might help - is that language is very important.

Mediation is not about getting a victory, but about searching for a genuinely workable "win/win" situation. Or at least one where you all benefit and feel comfortable with the resulting agreement.

One suggestion is that instead of talking about "your" rights "as" a father, you talk about the children's right "to" their father (if you see what I mean) x

[Inca]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

One thing I would say to her,,,quietly and with no malice is...none of you are going to get these years back....children grow so quickly and what seems like only yesterday is,in fact,many years ago.The older child may well be able to recall all this in years to come.....my boy says random stuff from the past now and then,stuff I've long since forgotten.
Kids don't know how to 'hate'..it's something they learn (or not) through experiences.They are a 'blank canvas' that the parents add the colours to.(or as my Mum used to say 'the monsters some parents create')

[CleverClogs]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

hi my fellow beagles ive sorted out a date for a assessment for meditation which will be on the 4th feb haven't spoken to her about this yet but have arranged to meet her on thursday after the kids are in bed as i dont want them to hear us talk about this

But might any of one's servants overhear the discussion?

[bobs2405]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

miss fm i couldn't agree more i know its not about me getting one over on her and i said to her all i want is it to be fair and the idea of a compromise is that neither one or the other get what we want we both have to lose in order to gain and for the children to gain, also i try not to talk to her verbally now if i got something to say i jus txt or e-mail her so that way i can read it and re read it to make sure i get my point of view across but not seem like im having a go

inca you are right i know this is probably gonna scar my kids and all ive ever wanted to is protect them but i will def try to get through to her when we are at mediation

[Inca]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

NO !!!!!This will only scar your kids if you and your ex allow it to.......keep doing what you're doing and hopefully they will be protected by you !!

[bobs2405]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

lets hope so hey jus wanna get all this sorted so we all know where we stand

[Amethyst]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

Hi bobs, Inca and MissFM let me know about your mediation so thought I'd respond on the thread in a nonspecific way as hopefully it will help others too.

If you are handing it in as a written thing rather than notes for your own use it might be a plan to write it a little more formally.

Some points I would make are;

Keep the finances separate - child maintenance should be worked out fairly using child maintenance calcs and agreed between the parents separately to any contact/custody battles.

The child maintenance calcs take into account if you have the child overnight for more than 52 nights a year (which is one night a week). I don't know if any child maintenance agreement has been set up from this.

With the debt repayment - keep it entirely separate from contact with kids (ie take out pay after I drop kids back type things) - keep it to dates/days of week etc not reliant on contact.

Have them overnight - regardless of parents / wake up times - again don't use it as pressure to make her move out of the house etc. You only put across what you think is best for the kids and you having contact. Keep the house issue separate.


So discussions in mediation should be;

1) contact with children, holidays, birthdays, overnights etc - CLEAN and nothing to do with house or financial situation
2) Child Maintenance if not already agreed and regardless of decisions in 1
3) House and finances - between you as a couple, nothing to do with the children

[MissFM]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

Hi Bobs

Just to wish you luck with your mediation tomorrow.

Remember that this process may (most likely will) take more than one session, it's not a judgment but an agreement to make every effort to agree - in principle: the most important thing is that you have a friendly workable plan for the immediate future - it can (and will) change as your, and your ex's, situations change - and your daughters' grow older (more autonomous in their views!).

The ideas you outlined in your pm look fair and sensible to me (please do post them up, with personal details removed, for other members to contribute) - though IMHO you may have too much emphasis on Christmas Day...please do be prepared to compromise in the short term so that your ex can feel you are not threatening her and that you will both be prepared to negotiate on some important issues to make it work for you all in the long term.

You've got another 15 - 20 years of this - keep the door open at all costs! :tinysmile_kiss_t4: x

[Inca]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

I too want to wish you luck for tomorrow bobs and there's nothing I can add to what the ladies have said ^^ up there.

I didn't respond to your pm earlier not because I didn't want to but because I am acutely aware that what I would be commenting on is your reality and I wouldn't be confident without the back up of the other Beagles.

I wish all 'absent from the home' parents were as keen as you are to do the best for their children and I'm sure when push comes to shove your ex will see that you really are only wanting routine regular access to them.

xx

[bobs2405]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

just want to say a MASSIVE THANK YOU to all you beagles on here i would not of had a clue what to to do without all your help and my apologies about sending things through PM its weird that ive never met you's but totally trust you

to âme they are my private notes about the things that i felt needed to be raised and the only reason i put the financial side on there was because when i told her about us needing to go mediation she through it in my face about child support and i do believe that its for the best that i do not agree for them to sleep yet as it normally flairs my daughters eczema up if she's tired and the order of the way you've listed make so much sense to me

miss fm i know it will take more than one session there is so much to talk about and think about so im prepared for it to take a while but i look at it as “rome wasn't built in a day” lol and i know it might seem like a emphasis on xmas a lot but like i said it should be fair she has my kids for over 250 days a year an she won't settle for it to be fairer for one of those days which seems to me being very petty and i can also be guilty of this

and inca thank you so much for the kind words and i agree that maybe if a few more fathers stepped up then maybe the world would be a bit better but thats my own opinion

i will edit the pages that i have sent you all and put them up within the next 20 mins and ive also added more so please look at it

THANK YOU ALL SOOOO MUCH XXX

[bobs2405]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

i have changed my ex partner to xx and children's names to kids jus to clarify incase it dont make sense

what i propose


money


i can afford to pay £20 every 2 weeks from the 14th of feb, on this basis as i have been sanctioned by the job centre for the past 5 months i owe miss xx £200 back dated for this time which i will pay in instalments of a extra £20 a month or if i can il pay earlier in a lump sum i will but cannot guarantee this and thats why im proposing every 2 weeks until this debt has been cleared and will pay this on the weds every 2 weeks after i drop the kids home after seeing them on weds but would like a receipt of some kind saying i have paid this and every time i pay i would like some sort of receipt to show that i have paid, if you refuse me paying you back and in the future then i will put this money in separate bank accounts for them which my dad will hold onto and il pay it in there every 2 weeks for when they are older an can use the money for something they want!


contact


the weekends i see the kids i think is very fair and agreeable but the main things i want to get sorted are the agreements on future birthdays and xmas and school holidays but am thinking that normally the weekends i dont have the kids kidss missing me more so would like to pick her up on the monday after she finishes nursery and spend a little bit of time with her as it long time she doesn't see me and i think it normally has a impact on her skin, i think that if i picked her up from nursery and gave her lunch then picked kids up and dropped them straight of to miss xxs home that would help kids if miss xx finds this unacceptable then i would like it drawn up that i will have telephone contact with the kids on sunday at 2pm on the weekend that i dont see them


school holidays


regarding school holidays i can not agree to overnight contact until miss XX has vacated 34 xx because i will not be able to move into a place of my own, but am willing to negotiate closer to the time of the holidays depending on my mum n dads working commitments as i do not believe that its fair on the kids incase they are woken up at 5-6 in the morning,


we have arranged the contact agreement for when they are off in February which is ok to me
on the easter holidays i would like to see them on the monday, wed, sat both weeks but this depends on whether miss xx wants to travel up to her mums on this holiday or if she wants to stay local


in the 6 weeks holidays i would like to have the kids for 1 week so i can take them away to my mums caravan located in clacton and am flexible as what weeks that would be,
and i am flexible as in the days that miss xx might want to go to clacton to see her relatives but would like extended contact (more days) throughout the holidays like on mondays so it would be on mondays, wed, sat depending on when/if miss xx is to go clacton/holidays with the kids.


i would also would like to take them abroad next year depending on my finances


birthdays


i would like to see the kids for a minimum of 2 hours on their birthdays so i can give them their presents and spend a little bit of time with them this is for days that their birthdays does not fall on a weekend, also i hope if they have a party i would like to contribute financially, and be there for it as well
and would also like to see them on my birthday as well for at least a 2 hours


ive worked out the way the contact goes up until january and my contact falls on miss xxs birthday now i am willing to change the date of this or times so miss xx can celebrate her birthday with the kids but that is up to her



xmas


this has been the biggest stumbling block between me and miss xx as she thinks that it is fair for her to have the kids every xmas morning and i get them from 6pm to boxing evening now i do not believe this is fair and have proposed many times now for it to be alternative as in one year they spend xmas eve round my house till xmas day at 6pm and the next year its miss xxs turn to have them on xmas eve an i pick them up on xmas day at 6pm which she has shot down at every turn, miss xx has even gone to the extreme of saying that as kids is not my biological child i have no rights to ask for her and as i said to her i know this but i will still treat her as my own and it will be miss xxs decision to let her come with me or not.


i am willing to pick the kids up from miss xxs place of residency and drop them of there as well unless she has any problems with that.


responsibilities


i would also like to have a input into the choice of schooling that kids and kids go to i dont believe that miss xx has the sole right to choose where they go to school.
i would like to attend all hospital visits that kids/kids has and to be included with anything that has to do with their health i.e. health care planning any changes to kids’s skin condition, and generally any other health issues they both might have.


if anything should happen to me then my family will still get access to the children at least twice a month and if anything should happen to miss xx such as ill health or anything that could impact her ability to care for the children i would like it to state that i would become the primary carer for BOTH of the children and will agree to her relatives seeing both the kids and coming to a arrangement i know this is extreme but i want to have everything covered