legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

[bobs2405]

i recently split up with the mother of my children, one is biologically mine and the other is my step daughter, me and the mother have came up with a amicable arrangement for contact which i am very happy about.
the problem im facing now is she has totally changed the arrangement i had with her regarding xmas and has told me that this is the way it will be every year, i am totally against this as i see it only fair that if she has them on xmas day one year the following year they should be with me but she is resisting this do i have any legal standing to make her change her mind?
also what is my options regarding my step daughter involving her being with me as i would like not split them up, im also worried that she will start using birthdays as another form of getting to me would u suggest that i take this matter to court?

many thanks

[Inca]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

Hi and to LegalBeagles.

Firstly ,I'm sorry your relationship has broken down but would urge you to remember that it's you and the Mum that have parted,,not the children,they need protecting and helping with dealing with the split,,please don't make them pawns in a game where they are the ultimate losers.
It's tough having an amicable split but it can be done.


Firstly,,how old are the children?
How long have you been in the stepdaughters life?
Are you married to the Mum?

Court is a radical step to take and shouldn't be taken lightly..there are a few options to consider before you need to be thinking about letting a bunch of total strangers dictate when/if you can see the children.

[bobs2405]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

hi i totally agree and would hate for them to be used as pawns my step daughter is 8 years old and i have been in her life for the best part of 6 years and my biological daughter is 3 years i do not see or differentiate between them i see them both as mine as i have raised her for so long
i am not married to the mother but we had lived together for nearly 4 years and i moved out because the relationship stopped working, like i said its been quite amicable but im worried that when ever xmas comes or birthdays come i won't be able to see my children all i want is it to be fair for the both of us

[CleverClogs]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

Regarding the child you call your step-daughter, I suspect you have no legal rights whatever.

Regarding the child whom you believe to be your biological daughter, you may have the right to be consulted if her mother decides to sell her for medical experimentation and, of course, you have the right to be forced to pay for her upkeep whatever the CSA deems to be reasonable.

[Inca]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

www.fnf.org.uk.....have a look on this site too

[MissFM]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

Hi Bobs

Never easy in your situation.

Start thinking laterally, because things may be amicable now but if arguments develop between you over specific access arrangements then it may turn sour very quickly indeed.

I do agree strongly that court is the last resort and there are avenues of mediation (see Inca's link to "Families Need Fathers" above) that can be explored if friendly discussion becomes strained.

My twopenny worth is to beseech you to try to keep communications friendly and open with your ex with the children's happiness always at the forefront, even if it means that one of you parents feels hard done by.

You sound like a really good Dad and I hope this works out well for you all.

[bobs2405]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

thank you missfm the problem ive got is yeah its ok now but i think shel use the kids to hurt me and i wanna get it legalised before she has the chance to we had an arrangement for me seeing the kids over xmas and the week before she told me its changing and theres nothing i can do about it, thats why i wanna find out where i stand and the best way to do things, its sort of i need to protect myself from the games and the bull that can come along with a split.

[CleverClogs]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

Why do you assume that she wants to hurt you?

[Inca]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

Hi,,Sorry,was busy last night,
I wholeheartedly agree with MissFM,,thiis needs to be done with extreme caution and sensitivity because it involves 2 very young children whose lives could get really screwed up if you and the ex don't be careful.

Your stepchild ,well she isn't your step-child..you are not married to her Mum, you have not legally adopted her therefore you have no recourse to demand/expect to see her.No matter what your emotions are regarding not wanting to 'split them up'
Regarding your biological child..yes you do have rights.

If you are able...try and sit down with your ex,,talk things through,tell her what you'd like to happen,see if she will agree,,maybe get a 3rd person to witness the conversation/mediate.
You need to have a clear,concise idea of how much access you want to your child (and don't be unreasonable,,the child is 3 and will get easily confused and upset if you insist on silly times and times that involve her being shunted from pillar to post.)

A couple of more questions if you don't mind........
Has either of you got a new girl/boyfriiend?
Have you made an 'informal' maintenance agreement?
Do either/both of you work?
Is the family home owned or rented by one/both of you?

[bobs2405]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

i agree with what you are saying about getting pulled from pillar to post which is why the agreement we have for days/time im very happy about but i know she will put her own feeling about being lonely at xmas/birthdays which is the reason she changed it on me a week before xmas
also to answer your questions

im currently not seeing anyone and am not sure if she is and im not bothered if she is seeing anyone thats her decision she is a single woman.

we both dont work

we are both currently in receipt of benefits but i have spoken to her about me paying a certain amount that i can afford

the family home is rented and she's in it but to be honest i would like her out of it as my dad is the guarantor for it and he is very uncomfortable about being a guarantor for some1 who is not his flesh and blood he understands that the children live there but if she messes up with the rent it could cost him his own home

[Inca]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

i agree with what you are saying about getting pulled from pillar to post which is why the agreement we have for days/time im very happy about but i know she will put her own feeling about being lonely at xmas/birthdays which is the reason she changed it on me a week before xmas
also to answer your questionsf#
Understandable about not being alone,,was there no way you could have put aside your differences to spend the day together (sorts all access out in one fell swoop)
im currently not seeing anyone and am not sure if she is and im not bothered if she is seeing anyone thats her decision she is a single woman.Hmmm..you may feel differently if the situations change
we both dont work
Any medical reasons for this? Or just no luck finding work?
we are both currently in receipt of benefits but i have spoken to her about me paying a certain amount that i can afford
As you are both on benefits you might find the amount you pay is decided by CSA as DWP will be looking into both of your claims,I presume you had a joint claim that has ended and are claiming individually now?
the family home is rented and she's in it but to be honest i would like her out of it as my dad is the guarantor for it and he is very uncomfortable about being a guarantor for some1 who is not his flesh and blood he understands that the children live there but if she messes up with the rent it could cost him his own home

Where do you suggest she goes with 2 children? When you were there I presume Housing Benefit paid the rent and as she doesn't work she surely is entitled to HB in her own right?
Has she registered with Social Housing/Council?
I suppose (although I'm certainly not sure) your Dad could approach the relevant people to have his name removed as guarantor although I think personally it's way too soon to worry about the rent not being paid..unless there's a problem already?

Be careful how you tread.......you have many links to this lady,,not just concerning your mutual daughter and I would deal with these as a priority..as you have stated (apart from Xmas) the contact was going well,,don't rock that boat yet.

[bobs2405]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

you say its understandable about being alone on xmas but thats exactly what i have to deal with so why is it fair that she gets that every year?? all i want is fairness which i dont think is unreasonable

i suspect she is seeing someone else and i really aint bothered all i worry about is my kids and they know im their dad and always will be i won't stop seeing them because she's seeing someone

just no luck finding work

we had a joint claim which has ended but we are trying to sort out financial things between ourselves

its not a case of me wanting her on the street but we have been separated for 6 months now and she hasn't been bothered to even look for a new place or even get her name on the council list and in my opinion thats taking the mick out of my dad, he has tried the relevant things to take his name off but they say without a new 1 they won't let him.

and yes the contact was going good i see my kids every wed for the afternoon and 3 saturdays a month which i think is the right among as that won't confuse them but they still know im here for them and i dont want to rock the boat which is why im writing to your good self to find out all my options before i plan anything. my kids are first and for most in everything that i do

[Inca]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

Can I just say bobs,,I'm only asking what I think are salient questions to try and help you,,I have NO legal training whatsoever,,only lifes experiences.
I fully appreciate that your one and only priority is your children and that's marvellous and you really need to stay 'on side' with your ex if at all possible because once the rot sets in it's going to get really nasty and drawn out with the children stuck firmly in the middle.
This was the first Xmas since you split...what has she said to make you think she will do the same again?
What arrangements are in place re Birthdays?
How long has the house been rented for? Is it a long term contract or up for renewal at any time? Obviously your Dad won't be standing as guarantor on a new tenancy.
I think you should tell her your Dad wants his name off (if you haven't already),,that may be enough to send her to the council.
Do you have a mutual friend who would be prepared to sit with you both and talk this through before it goes wonky?
Did you check the website I posted a link to?

[bobs2405]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

thank you i understand and even though you might not be a lawyer just speaking to someone with any experience is better than trying to deal with this on my own and messing it up

we had an agreement that i could see the kids in the morning for a couple of hours then leave and pick them up in the evening and have them overnight we had that arrangement set up for about 3 months then the week before xmas she said that i can't see them in the morning and it would only be in the evening which i accepted but said that it would only be fair for next year them to stay with me on xmas eve and she could have them in the evening which she replied thats never gonna happen, dont get me wrong i know this is not as bad as what some fathers have to go through and i understand that some men dont even get to see the kids on xmas but i dont like the way she thinks that just because she's the mum she has the right for everything and i have to jump through hoops jus to do the right the right thing. there is currently nothing set up about the kids b-days but we have arranged to sit down and talk next friday to sort things like that.
also the contract for the rent is up next month and will be switched to a rolling month contract, but he is still liable until she has exited the property and she has known since i moved out that once February comes she will have to leave and yet she hasn't done anything. i feel like i need to start playing hard ball with her but then she could start using the kids against me. but i am still legally entitled to live n the house as im on the tenancy agreement but i dont want to force her

i did check the website and its been very helpful

[CleverClogs]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

im on the tenancy agreement

Is she?