legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

[bobs2405]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

to be honest there has been a couple of times that she has lashed out one time we was all playing and my eldest accidentally pulled her hair and she nearly kicked her straight in the belly and their has been a few other times that has happened, but i dont know if she would now.

i chatted with my eldest today about why she said she wants to live with her dad and she told me that its not that she wants to live with him she wants to see him more, but her mum has been shouting a lot and is very angry most of the time i recorded the conversation with my daughter, and have taken pics of the baby's skin which im gonna do every time i see her for the next month in case i have to go to court.

the youngest said to her that she doesn't love her and she only loves me now i know this is kid like but like ive said earlier i am really the only one that can calm her down and this is being detrimental to her health.

and its killing me having to watch my flesh and blood hurting so much that i can't do nothing about it

[MissFM]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

Hi Bobs

I am posting this for you to look at to see what mediation services are available in your area at little or no cost to you. Just type in the first part of your postcode

http://www.familymediationhelpline.c...nd-service.php

You also might find this (and the whole website) useful:

http://www.resolution.org.uk/separatingtogether/

HTH - have a good read x

[bobs2405]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

thanks miss fm got a lot of info there thank you so much

[Inca]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

I would tread very very carefully re recording what your children say,,,kids are fickle,they will say whatever they think you want to hear.
And as the allegations of physical abuse...DO NOT SAY IT UNLESS YOU CAN PROVE IT,because Social Services will swoop down and neither of you (possibly) would get the children,,you have no choice,if you say it,,make sure you have the evidence,,not the spoken word.
Another little tip........stop DEMANDING......you have no right to DEMAND than she has,,ask,,be nice.
Have you been in to the school and explained everything to them? If not,,do so.
Also,,take any job you are offered,,that will look good in the mediation stages.
TBH...I can see a bunch of faceless strangers (court) making decisions about your childrens care/access and only you 2 adults can change this by trying to work out a sensible plan before it does end up in Court.Getting custody of your kids is going to be a long hard slog and must be done to the letter of the law or you risk getting your case booted into touch quickly,

[bobs2405]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

hi inca hope the wedding went ok

im not accusing her of physical abuse but i do no that she loses her temper quite a bit when she's stressed out and that does have a detrimental effect on the youngest one with her eczema, could you explain how im coming across as demanding things like i said the only thing i want is to have a suitable and fair contact arrangement with her and not to be jerked about when it suits her and her plans, im currently looking for work but haven't found any but would take anything and not just to look better in mediation

i know getting custody won't happen because the eldest is mine and no court in the land would split the 2 girls up so i know that isn't a option now

[Inca]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

The wedding was fantastic thanks..Everything I dreamed of and much more
I know you only want a fair equal share of your daughters time but unless and until she is in full agreement it's not going to happen,,and as you say,she changes it at a drop of a hat.
I think you need to think about getting Cafcass involved,,someone who can mediate between you as clearly she is not going to be reasonable and you have genuine concerns about your daughters health.

[bobs2405]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

glad the wedding was great and wish you long and prosperous marriage

missfm gave me a mediation site to check and there is one close by to me do you suggest that i go there or just involve cafcass straight away?

[Inca]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

I personally would try the mediation service near you first,,I must admit to not following the link MissFM gave,apologies.
They,hopefully,will have some inklings and ideas to get you started because I imagine the last thing you really want is a court case at this point .

[bobs2405]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

na i defiantly dont want to go to court ive ben reading up on the matter and if we do mediation we can get it drawn up legally and would be half the expense and less stress for the both of us

thank you

[bobs2405]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

hi jus thought i would give you all a update on my situation things haven't been to bad not really spoken to my ex that much but i had the kids today and my eldest (step daughter) said she wanted a word with me so i spoke to her a she told me that when she was with her biological father he was telling her about when he was in jail and bearing in mind she's only 8 years old im quite disgusted with him he was also saying that she can't call me dad an that dont bother me cos i can understand where his coming from but ive always said the decisions up to her what she calls me but the thing thats bothering me the most is when i asked if she told her mum she said no and i could see that she was really scared to, so i reassured her that she's not done nothing wrong an asked if she wanted to be there when she tells her mum she said yes so when ive dropped them off i went in an we spoke fair enough my ex handled it ok an im glad that my daughter can talk to me but why would she be so scared to say anything to her mum thats the bit i can't get y head around am i reading into this to much???

[bobs2405]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

hi my fellow beagles ive sorted out a date for a assessment for meditation which will be on the 4th feb haven't spoken to her about this yet but have arranged to meet her on thursday after the kids are in bed as i dont want them to hear us talk about this

[Inca]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

Thats excellant news bobs
Don't forget to make a 'reminder' list of things you want to discuss via the mediator.
Be prepared for the Mum to refuse point blank to go though,,she will either embrace the idea as a positive step forward or chuck the idea completely out of the window at which point DO NOT GET IRRITATED...try gentle persuasion,,cajole her into agreeing with sensible,kind statements such as :-
'I know you're knackered,looking after baby and her skin problems is a full time job on it's own,,I want to help you..share the load' (don't for Gawds sake say 'burden',,she'll flip and take it that you are saying she can't cope)
If possible,,try turning things round so she ends up thinking mediaton was actually her idea

Good Luck

[bobs2405]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

will def make a check list im going to talk to her on thursday night and i was thinking of saying about the way i felt over xmas and think it would be productive that we both have a agreement set up and doing tho would save us both money because if we can agree to something then there would be not need to go court and everyone will know where that stand also if she refuse's i was thinking about saying that ive been in contact with people that have had similar experiences and that it means we would have to go court but not sure on that bit.

there's no way i could get her to think its her idea thats what women do best lol not clever enough to play those mind games

[MissFM]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

Hi Bobs ,

I'm so happy things are progressing so positively for you.

I agree absolutely with you and with the advice above. If you can use the mediation to move forward, each being yourself and sharing your true feelings, to achieve a longterm workable routine centered around the children's needs - whilst enabling both you parents to move on in your own lives - that will be a wonderful result.

I also salute you for your determination to sort this amicably without going to court if at all possible - a very sensible choice.

Nothing, and no-one, is perfect so please do bear that in mind when things go less than smoothly. There will be bear-traps, and blips that need overcoming but you are taking some extremely wise first steps IMVHO xx

[bobs2405]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

thank you miss fm for your kind words but to be totally honest there is no way i would of been thinking straight with out you, inca ame and everyone else that has guided me to this i think i would still be at the point i was when i 1st came here so thank you so much

i know there is still a long way to go to get things sorted but as long as im thinking straight and have great people around me (especially the beagles) i will get through it all of you's have given me so much strength to fight and i honestly cannot say thank you enough