legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

[bobs2405]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

im not acting competitively with her i haven't said i do a better job when i spoke to her i said to her thats what i went through when i was there, i personally dont think there was PND but im not a doctor and the points you raised on that are valid but i have said to her on more than one occasion that im only a phone call away and if she needs anything to ask, she is a very volatile woman and she was like that before the baby was born its either her way or the highway, as for finding faults she done it when i was there so i dont expect any different, i dont want her to live up to my expectations cos to be honest i dont have any i know that in life we have to soldier on through what ever comes and protect our kids from that

i also think its a case of when i was there i was an agreeable man anything to keep the peace at one point she didn't talk to me for a week and the kids started noticing it so i said i sorry and i was in the wrong when i wasn't and that become the norm 4 us she'd lose the plot at me sometimes for stupid things like not doing the washing up and not talk to me for days on end so i would give in say sorry and move on but now im willing to argue back and tell her what i think its a culture shock for her and she dont like it.

i think it goes back to when she was a kid she had 3 dads and they would always let her down so i think she thinks that im gonna be the same with mine NO CHANCE that will happen

and i dont know what i think about her anymore but i really appreciate the thought from your rambling head so thank you and im more than willing to take any more advice you have

[Amethyst]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

Thanks, and no worries I think it will just take time to show her and the kids that you will stick around.

You may want to make a ''formal agreement'' so you both have it written down and agree to a bit of flexibility if things arise. Don't expect too much or ask for too much or you risk shackles going up. You live nearby (I think?) so instead of having the kids for the day on their birthday on alternate years (which might feel too much for her and the children possibly as they get older) say you'd like to be able to bring round gifts and spend a little time with them on their birthday and maybe take them out on the next 'ordinary' day you have them. Similarly with Christmas. If you can do that and make it 'normal' rather than a 'pick up at the end of the drive' type situation it will make life much easier in the future. Should also make things easier to stay in contact with your ''step''daughter too, I'm just naturally including her in the contact arrangements btw not sure if you went through it already - where is the father of your ''step''daughter in all this ?

[bobs2405]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

i think it'l be best to make a formal arrangement
i dont feel that ive asked for to much for a bit of fairness as in whats good for her is good for me its heart wrenching to know that i will never be able to see my kids faces the morning on xmas morning as of the b-days i would be more than happy to do that and i was gonna suggest that we are due to sit down on friday to discuss things

my step daughters father arrangement is for him to see her for 4 hours every month but for a large part of her life (3-4 years) he wasn't really a part of her life

[CleverClogs]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

i think it'l be best to make a formal arrangement

Such as that given at I Kings 3:16? :behindsofa:

[Inca]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

As an aside,,,,,,can I ask how old you both are??

Ames right..Xmas and Birthdays are just dates on a calender.....I have an un-birthday every year in June,,always have had since I was a kid (my b/days 26th November,Mum used to be prepping for Xmas,)...nowadays we go out for a meal etc but when I was a kid I was allowed to pick the days activitys.food and got little presents..then on my real birthday I got my main presents.
In some countries,folks don't open their gifts until Boxing Day....I don't see the relevance of the actual date,,Xmas will happen for folks...just a day later. Your l'il ones will get 2 Xmas's.....and that's really all they will care about tbh

The most important thing for right now bobs is staying on 'speaking' terms with her,,her life has gone upside down too and she has the added pressure of moving and all that malarkey.

When you meet on Friday ,remember it's all about the children and try and focus solely on sorting them out.The split is very new,and unchartered waters for both of you but firstly you MUST keep all eyes on what's best for the children.
A few years ago I would have quite happily throttled my OH's ex,,every conversation about contact always ended in a slanging match about money so he did take her to court for contact and won but the child is a lot older than your 2. (Plus the ex was too bone idle to attend mediation so by the time it got to court and the Judge read the papers he found in my OH's favour).
I can see both sides of the story here,,and I imagine the other Beagles can too..so any advice you get is rock solid,from the heart,advice,,it's not always going to be what you want to hear either,,but is offered freely and your appreciation of it is great.

Chin up chuckles...it'll get sorted,,vent your spleen on here as much/little as you like,,we all have broad shoulders
I won't be around much this week (getting married on Sunday) but I'll pop by and check on you now and then.
MissFM and Miss Amethyst,,along with many others are brilliant on this subject so you won't be left high + dry.

TAKE THE NOTEBOOK FRIDAY!!!
XXXX

[bobs2405]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

well 1st of congrats i wish the both of you a long and prosperous marriage
and i do see where your coming from on these dates but its the most important dates of the year to me and i know that might sound selfish but why should it be jus me that goes through not having them on those days like i said if she has em 1 year the next should be mine but your right i need to get that out of my head

i understand that her life is upside down as well and thats why im trying very hard to be amicable and not turn it into a slanging match and i know its fresh for the both of us but all i want out of this is to know im not gonna get screwed over cos recently every arrangement we have se up she has tried changing one way or another and i can't live my life that way its not healthy

and honestly i dont know what i would have done with out you, miss fm and miss amethyst and even cleverclogs weird jokes i honestly thank you from the bottom of my heart

and congrats again

[bobs2405]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

oh and im 28 and she's 27

[Inca]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

oh and im 28 and she's 27

Nearly fully cooked then Thanks for your good wishes,,I'm not nervous (yet) but look at the time and I'm up and have been since 2.55 am.
Like I said bobs...keep notes and keep your cool (although you might consider having your phone discreetly recording during the meeting....it happens lol

[bobs2405]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

think i might have to be recording something before i go in an forget its on lol
theres no need to be nervous

[bobs2405]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

hi my fellow beagles jus a quick update to my situation

i picked up my daughter from nursery yesterday and was told that a health care worker was due to be in 2day for my daughters eczema condition, i wasn't informed by the mother this was happening so i was a bit upset with her for not telling me so when i took the girls back home i talked to the mother about this saying i was not happy for the fact im getting told things by teachers to do with our daughters health, she tried to do everything to start an argument with me but i kept calm and composed, and i have also found out that she's not coping as well as she should be with my daughters condition and both of the kids are saying they dont want to live with her now i know this is kid like but im getting really worried about them as i know how hard it can be to deal with my daughters eczema and their mum looks really rough i have naturally offered to help but she doesn't want to accept it so i aint trying to force the issue but i dont know what to do for the best cos i know if i had my daughter her skin would clear up a lot and she would have a better quality of life
so at the min my options are to sit here and let my daughters health get worse please could some1 advise me cos im stressing out so much with worry

[MissFM]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

Hi Bobs

Well done for remaining calm in a stressful situation.

Your ex (you both) needs to accept that, whilst you are no longer an item, as parents you remain a team and the welfare of each of you is of huge importance to the children.

I wonder if you could find a sympathetic and kind way to suggest that she needs longer breaks and it would be of benefit to all if you had the children more frequently/for longer periods at a time so that she could rest and recuperate. You mustn't undermine her or be at all threatening - make it clear that you are not challenging her in any way; but looking after small children alone, especially where there are health problems, is exhausting and no-one should feel a failure if they do, indeed, get exhausted.

Do you think talking this whole situation through with your GP might be helpful?

Still rooting for you all :grouphug

[bobs2405]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

thanks miss fm i have txt her and offered to pick my girls up on monday but been ignored, i write a letter to her the other day explaining how i felt about this situation and her messing me about because i felt if i had said it to her it would turn into a big argument and thats not what i want and have said that i would not discuss what i had written verbally to make sure that it dont turn into a argument i said the only way il discuss is through email or text message also that way i have proof what was said by her in case i do end up in court

also when we was together i tried to get her to go to the docs cos she kicks off when she's tired/stressed and it turns quite nasty but she refused point blank

[Inca]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

bobs......take the sound advice offered by MissFM and Amethyst..there seems to be more to your ex's behaviour than meets the eye....tbh she sounds knackered and is lashing out at the one person she knows in her heart of hearts will always be there because of the children.
I cannot stand my sons Dad as a person..but I will love him for the rest of my days as the father of my child.
You're going t have to tread softly and slowly I'm afraid,however frustrating that becomes,,make demands and she will build a bigger wall,,she knows deep down she's wrong but she's probably scared,tired and stressed and is lashing out.and whilst thats no comfort to you,please try and understand it from her point of view,,,things will get better.

[bobs2405]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

inca to be honest im glad she's lashing out at me because when i was there it was me that took the full force of it so the kids didn't, the only thing that im demanding is the fact of if we both make a agreement then we both stick to it, ive got them today and was wondering if i should talk to them because the mother let slip that they are both saying they dont want to live with her no more, but i won't without any advice on this matter cos i know this is a delicate situation?

also how did the wedding go? hope it went lovely and you had a great day :-)

[MissFM]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

Hi Bobs

I actually meant that it might be helpful for you to talk the whole situation over with your GP, particularly as regards your daughter's condition.

I'm getting a little concerned, from your comments above

inca to be honest im glad she's lashing out at me because when i was there it was me that took the full force of it so the kids didn't,

Do you think she would "lash out" at the children? Or is it just that you bring out the worst in each other?