legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

[bobs2405]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

thats a great idea i would not of thought for that thanks

i honestly can't thank everyone enough i feel so lucky to come across all of you

[Inca]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

Aww,,you're welcome......we all wandered on here with our own problems and stuck around to help others,,one day I'll get rumbled lol

[CleverClogs]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

we all wandered on here with our own problems and stuck around to help others

I didn't.

I wandered over from another site in the hope that, by offering such help as I could give, I might somehow justify the fact that I've not died yet.

[Inca]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

I didn't.

I wandered over from another site in the hope that, by offering such help as I could give, I might somehow justify the fact that I've not died yet.

We'd be lost without you Cloggy and your unique sense of humour msl:

bobs...Your situation is going to be a very slow process,,as you say,she holds all the aces (for now) because she has the children,,and I would imagine she thinks she's pretty safe as she knows you won't rock the boat incase she stops access.

Who decided you would move out?
Was she happy for you to go?
From what you have said about her rearranging Xmas,,I get the impression there may be a new bloke on the horizon (and I may also be totally wrong of course,,it has been known lol)

Is there any chance you and she will get back together or is it definitely kaput??

(Oh and at any point you think I'm overstepping the mark with questions,,feel free to tell me to mind my own business)

[CleverClogs]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

Who decided you would move out?
Was she happy for you to go?

Who now removes spiders from the bath?

[bobs2405]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

inca

it was me that decided to move out mainly because i had enough of being put down and belittled by her all the time (can't keep a good man down lol)
she didn't seem to happy bout me moving out at the time but loving it now i think and yes i think she's got a new bloke and that dont bother me at all i say good luck to him his gonna need it, and i think thats why she rearranged xmas as well i clocked that on new years.

and there is NO WAY i will ever get back with that ive got my self respect back now and i aint giving it away so cheaply now

and clogs trust me and insect snake reptile oh sod it even dinosaur would look at the boat race on that and make for the door as quick as it could lol

and i dint believe your being nosey when all your trying to do is help me

[CleverClogs]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

she's got a new bloke

Was she first attracted by him or by his guide dog?

[bobs2405]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

def the dog lol

[bobs2405]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

something else has happened 2day

the last time me and her spoke, she tried digging me out saying i never call the kids so we agreed for me to call on the only weekend of the month that i dont see the kids so i txt her to make sure she was in asking if i could call to talk to them i got a reply basically saying no cos the baby has been suffering really bad with her eczema and is always calling for me so she thinks its best i dont speak to her, i replied saying that maybe if she's missing me that talking to her would re assure her, and she turned me back again, so i txt her again saying that she's the one to keep changing things and it aint on

after 15 mins she didn't reply i thought i would jus phone and talk to her to get my side across, she was spouting that its hard for her cos the baby's not slept properly for 4 days now, and she's struggling to run the home without getting any sleep which i told her its not easy is it but thats what i went through for the best part of 2 an a half years, she was adamant not to let me talk to her saying that i should be asking how i can help then i jus told her i cant help if you dont let me talk to them, long story short she let me talk to them

but i must admit im getting really annoyed at the fact she digs me out for something so i try to sort that out and she still finds ways to get to me

[Inca]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

You did offer to go round and soothe the child didn't you? I'm guessing not but keep that thought the next time this happens...and happen it will.

Your ex is tired and grouchy,,you admit yourself how tiring dealing with the little ones skin is,,use it to your advantage.....be the 'voice of reason' OFFER TO HELP!! If she slaps you down then it's on her.

I don't think 'phone calls' to a 3 year old are really constructive,,but that's only my opinion. I just wonder if she is likely to get upset that she can hear Daddy but not see him?
It's also likely that your ex doesn't handle the eczema as well as you did?
And as for your ex 'digging you out' over things,,you better grow a thick skin quick cos a tired stressed out woman is like a snarling lion,,snapping at the slightest thing...I should know...I am one lol

[Amethyst]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

Sadly she does have control of the situation as is often the case in family breakups. With regards Christmas and Birthdays, it's difficult being the non resident parent, but children often prefer to be 'at home' for those occasions, particularly as they get older. Generally it differs between families, my other half has his children every other week from Saturday afternoon to Sunday night, whereas my ex husband has my kids from Friday night to Sunday night once a month, then we all sort out various school holidays and ''occassions'' between us as and when.

My other half doesn't have his kids Christmas Day, mainly due to the kids Mother, but we have them for a couple days from Boxing Day onwards and 'do' Christmas then for them. My kids, that live with me, do alternate Christmas with me and with their non resident father, but they prefer to stay here Christmas Eve night so last couple times he has collected them mid morning and has them for Dinner and over through Boxing Day. This year we had my kids for Christmas Day and dropped them off with their Dad for a few days Boxing Day, then whizzed up and picked up my other half's kids for a few days.
Get's complicated but just make the most of the time you have with them and don't stress over ''occassions'' as days are what you make them, and the kids' may well enjoy having two exciting Christmas mornings each year ?

We do get on okay and next year we're organising all to have Christmas together for the kids, and our own sakes, save on the spending half Christmas travelling up and down the country. Basically we try and stay as flexible as possible and accommodate the other parents and the children where we can, and make things as easy as possible.

Phonecall wise, I can understand that, we're out the other side now but when the breakups were quite new, and kids got upset missing their other parent, it was a bit hit or miss whether speaking to the non resident parent (or resident one if they were at the other's house) would make them feel better or worse. We found it usually happened when they were poorly or things were quiet for a bit and some good distraction techniques worked much better than phonecalls. The kids have to come first and you may not always agree with one anothers decisions on looking after them you need to get through it without acrimony.

We rarely have phone calls back and forth outside of visiting time these days, but the kids all know (as we tell them) they are free to call us at any time, and the other parent at any time too.

As MissFM said earlier in the thread...''You need to stay friendly - both put your own needs to one side - if you possibly can.''

No idea if that's any help whatsoever, I often read threads regarding acrimonious breakups and custody/visiting issues and feel very lucky that we seem to have worked everything out so harmoniously.

(Ours are 8,10,11,13,14.... oh and 22 and 24 but we don't have to worry so much about them, they do what they like )

[Inca]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

Totally with you on that Ame,,,life is so much easier if parents can find a 'happy medium'
And kids have a habit of growing up (as I found out lol)

[MissFM]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

Bobs - one thing that is preying on my mind is that I am wondering whether you ex is having trouble managing alone. I am even wondering whether she mightn't have some sort of post-natal depression (believe me this can go on for years) - and your last few posts deepen these concerns. In which case she and the children need your continuing (perhaps very active) sympathetic support.

I am also concerned over the issue with your father and the rent guarantee; if it were my Dad and my child I would be asking my Dad to see that he is maintaining a safety net (a consistent home) for his grandchild and her mother. She has, as yet, shown no sign of defaulting on the rent as I understand from your posts.

Like it or not, you are now inextricably a family - if a further romantic involvement for either you or your ex appears, then you can cross that bridge then but there is really no point in fearing the worst from this.

If she does get involved with another, he will most likely not be an ogre and, as Amethyst has described above, it is possible to get through it all safely to everyone's advantage, as long as you all genuinely put the children first.

[bobs2405]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

sorry gonna answer in order of thread

inca

i didn't offer to go round there because there was no point if she won't let me speak on the phone theres no chance shel let me come round also regarding the phone calls it wasn't my idea about phoning the kids on my weekends off, we was arguing (the kids was not there) and i said im always there 4 my kids even though im not living with them and she said you dont ever phone them so how can you say that, baring in mind i have them twice a week so i said why do i need to call them when i see them nearly every 3-4 days theres no point, and cos i proved her to be wrong she tried saying about my weekends off and thats the reason i phoned. i know that she can't handle the baby as good as me and the bond i have with her is stronger than the one she has with her mother thats why she always want me.

ame

im trying to sort things out as and when but she has changed the goal posts on me around 6 times now, somethings have been silly like times moved by a hour up to yr not seeing them when its been agreed i.e. xmas morning, all i want is a bit of fairness and for things that are agreed to stay that way not changed at her whim

miss fm

i do not know if she has suffered post natal and my dad has said that he wants her to actively looking to move there is no way he'l chuck her out on the streets but why she thinks that she can jus poodle about is beyond me, i understand that sooner or later she will meet someone and im not against that ive told her my views on that, which are my kids can't call him dad and he can't smack them i understand if they need disciplining he will be able to put them on the naughty step which i dont think is to unreasonable, and i also said that if i was to just leave my kids and not stick to my arrangement with the kids then i forfeit that right to be called dad (which will never happen) but i think she is expecting me to go f**k it i can't be bothered thats why she's playing games.

thank you for helping and advising me means the world to me

[Amethyst]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

Just be careful not to behave competitively over the children, it will take time, especially for the little one if you were the primary carer before the break up. If you start with the 'I'm better than you are with XXX' then she may feel defensive and could either say ' well you have her then' or withdraw from you completely. Neither outcome is good so keep those thoughts to yourself. Offer support and help if she asks/hints, but not in a judgmental 'you're not coping' way.

Try and see it from her side too, and if there was a touch of PND then it may be skewed - she might feel you have taken over with the new baby and not let her be as involved, you might want everything your own way, she's lost her partner and help with the children on a day to day basis, she's looking at losing her home too, and will want to keep the kids close to her partially to protect them, but mainly to protect herself emotionally from what's going on around her.

When I was first on my own with the children the weekends their dad had them I wanted to curl up in a ball and just counted the minutes till they came back and I did really struggle looking after them (my eldest was 8 then, she's 14 now) for a good few months after the split and I did pick on their Dad a lot...and found fault where there was none.

From what you have said she sounds like she is trying to justify to herself the difficulties she is having, and putting you down and picking on things you do/don't do randomly is a way of doing that. Basically you are a good Dad and she feels like she's got to live up to that.

Just don't be too pushy, be there for her and the kids, don't ask for too much and when you meet with her, show understanding but be firm about needing consistency with when the kids are with you and with her, for all your benefits.

Just some thoughts from my rambling head then xx I could be entirely wrong and she's just a selfish cow but it doesn't sound like you think that.