legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

[MissFM]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

Hi bobs

I think the point is that however "right" you are, your ex holds all the aces if you get into a legal battle. Fair or not (and mostly it isn't), the Law is a blunt instrument and only engage with it as a last resort. It really is in your best interests to be as calm and conciliatory as you possibly can ...even though you and your ex are no longer an "item", you have a child together and another to whom you are both parents, a bond which cannot be broken. You need to stay friendly - both put your own needs to one side - if you possibly can.

The house and your father's guarantee for the rent: I'm sure he can "pull out" as guarantor but that might result in your ex and children being served notice and evicted. If they were on the list for social housing this could actually work in their favour, as it would bump them up the list.

We are talking about your father's grandchild's home - maybe the three of you should sit down and talk about the best way through. Perhaps, as Inca has suggested, this would be best done in the presence of a trusted and neutral third party.

Keep cool and take a long view. x

:hug:

[Inca]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

Sadly,,''fair'' doesn't come into it when couples split and there are kids involved,,we all like to think we are doing things 'decently' but sometimes things break down to a point where they can't be mended civilly.
I'm pleased you have arranged to meet next week,hopefully you can reach an agreement that suits both of you.
Approach the 'house' issue sensitively too,,don't dictate just state the facts as they really are,,you and your Dad are no longer 'on side' regarding the tenancy and she really needs to stir her stumps...although eviction does take a few months if she doesn't pay the rent.
What makes you think your Dad will lose his house if she doesn't pay it?

[bobs2405]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

wow thanks everybody 4 the feedback il try and answer

CLEVERCLOGS

yes she is on the agreement as well

MISSFM

my dad can't just pull out of it the contract he signed says he is liable until both of us are out and the only way the estate agents will serve notice is if she doesn't pay the rent, now she has been paying it so i can't knock her for that, but we sat down just after i moved out and my dad has said he doesn't want her to live there anymore as he doesn't see why he should be liable for her, also think its a case of if she moves a bloke in and he controls the money he could say i dont care make his dad pay the rent! also your right she does hold the aces and its not a case of me wanting to go to court its just that i need to evaluate all my options thats why im here and getting really great advice from you all

INCA

my dad has a very high profile job and any legal battles or CCJ's could affect and possible make him lose his job which then means he can't pay his own mortgage

i would like to thank all of you for helping me it really means a lot when total strangers take their own time to help people they dont even know

[leclerc]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

I don't think you are married otherwise the issue of contact would come up in a potential divorce settlement. In terms of what has been said already, I don't think can necessarily have any issues in regards to the step daughter since legally she is not since you and your partner are not married. If you are then the contact issues HAVE to be brought up legally in the divorce as this would be the right scenario.

If she is not looking for a new house then quite frankly that is none of your concern since the council would have to house her UNLESS she made herself homeless which this would be classed as.

If a mutual contact agreement does not work then a legal one should do. I would add that if you are on JSA then the only amount you are legally required to pay is £5.00 per week per child and that would on the face of it exclude the stepdaughter whether you can afford more or not.

[bobs2405]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

no we aint married but regarding the house it is my concern when she should be looking to move out of the house that my dad is guarantor

also i pay a little more than that but i dont have a problem with that as ive always said that being a father means you help support financially

[leclerc]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

If he is the guarantor then that is when rent is not paid. You have stated that rent is paid. In terms of the issue of your ex then your father would have the right to sue her if she defaults on the rent.

In regards to the financial issue, I am merely stating the set amount that the old CSA and now CMA would state is payable under the circumstances you have given. If you pay more then that is your decision but that could also be settled by a court as well(though the issue of Contact and Maintenance should never be dealt with in the same sentence since it can cause all sorts of issues).

[bobs2405]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

ok thanks for your help

[CleverClogs]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

In terms of the issue of your ex then your father would have the right to sue her if she defaults on the rent.

But as she is hardly likely to have much by way of assets (or even goods and chattels worth levying upon) and as he would be unable to seize either child in settlement of the debt, that would probably be quite futile.

[Inca]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

Leclerc is absolutely correct..Contact and maintenance are totally independent of each other and should remain so.
As for the house,,why don't you pop to the Council yourself and find out exactly what she can or can't do re getting on the ladder?
By the way,,are you in rented accomodation yourself now?

I know the house issues are important,,,but contact with your daughter over rides it (and the other child) but please please be aware that one of the first things she MAY do is cut your contact with the other child,she can do this as you aren't her Dad nor have you adopted her.
Before you meet up with her next week,,write a list of points you want to raise.

[Bill-K]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

I cannot offer advice, but I have been so close to this scenario - and it makes itself known to so many of us at this emotional time of year, doesn't it, Bobs ? PLEASE be aware that the peeps who are answering this thread may seem to be taking the P sometimes - but this is the sort of stuff that you may well find yourself having to deal with for real out there, mate. Nobody here wants to belittle you - (and if they do, then they should be slung off) - Chill a little, if you can, mate. Step back, and take some deep breaths.

I have cried over this scenario in the past - and I will cry with you now. I do believe that our admin guys & gals have had their own tastes of this awful stuff - so you are indeed not alone here. Let's face it - it's what seems to be basic human nature - just doing what comes naturally...and it ain't painless.

If you have ever heard of 'The Judgement of Solomon' (a Biblical story) - then you might get this - but it is the kids that we need to protect. You seem to have a grasp of this, sir. If you can stay focussed on that aspect, then I believe your heart is in the right place - and that's the 'raw' view of a genuwine hetero "married with kidz" guy.

Love hurts.

[Inca]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

When I got divorced I was determined my son wouldn't become a bartering tool..I did everything I could to keep my son out of the war.
I was pilloried and snubbed by a community I had been an active part of and they didn't break me.
The irony was..I thought the amount the CSA (as was) were going to stiff my ex for was totally unreasonable (400 a month at the time) so I stupidly agreed to us making our own financial plan......and once that plan kicked him I realised I had been royally screwed as he reduced the money to £20 a week!
So I took his £20,,and then worked my ass off to earn enough to keep my son and I afloat.
Now my son is grown and barely bothers with his Dad..he says it's a 2 way street and if Dad doesn't bother why should he?

But I digress..Bobs...after your meeting with her next week (and if you get chance to record it on your phone)...come back here and let us know exactly what she says...there are loads of Beagles with really good rock solid advice.
I admire your devotion and determination to be a full part of the childrens lives.
(Bit of boasting here,,but relevant)
I have a stepson and daughter (now 26 and 23) who have no dealings with either biological parent but regard me as Mum. I also have a 15 year old stepdaughter (legalised next Sunday when I marry her Dad) who calls me Mum,Mummy,Wicked StepMum.
I'm no Mother Teresa,,far far from it,,all I could ever give them was my time,wisdom,shoulder to cry on and someone they can vent their spleen to but NEVER EVER let them overhear any cross words between you and your ex....always she's Mummy and they are so little and vulnerable and if they hear Daddy arguing with Mummy them Mummy being upset after Daddys been there...Daddy will get the blame.Equally,,you MUST NOT slag their Mum off to them or question them about their homelife.
I know that all seems insurmountable but it isn't and if you DO end up in Family Court it is imperative that you have 'clean hands' as it were,,no nasty little surprises she can pop up with.
What I'm trying to ask (albeit badly) is,,you say the split was amicable,,do you mean the relationship had run out of steam?
No domestic violence?
No Social Worker involved?
No police called at any time?

[bobs2405]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

cleverclogs

the only assets she has got is my kids and they are priceless

inca

i dont think she will cut contact amy step daughter as she's knows how this would hurt her, i dont think she is a bad mother she's just a bad person if that makes any sense. i will def write a list of the things that need to be raised (good idea thanks) and ive been down the council and they have said that the only options is to bid on council places which could take up to a year or not pay the rent and get force ably moved out they are the only options she has and as she's paying the rent is what i want but i think she hasn't even been bothered to bid on anywhere

bill k

thank you for your kind words and i do believe the people here are only trying to help so if i seem ungrateful or come across rude you all have my deepest apologies its such a raw and turbulent time im going through, def need to do the chill bit lol
and all i ever wanted to do is protect my kids you see so many messed up people today and i honestly believe most (not all) are due to the way the parents have acted during break up's and i would hate that for my kids to turn out like that

[CleverClogs]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

the only assets she has got is my kids and they are priceless

Exactly - which is why suing her for unpaid rent wouldn't really be a sensible option; your father wouldn't get much even if he won, whilst she would cut off all access to the sproglettes.

i dont think she is a bad mother she's just a bad person if that makes any sense.

It makes perfect sense.

Do you suppose that, when she dies, she will need a Y-shaped coffin? :grin:

[bobs2405]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

inca the relationship had run out of steam, i tried my best and i did more for the kids then she did but it was never enough for her my daughter suffers with really bad eczema and it would be me that creamed her bathed her i didn't sleep properly for the best part of two years and she would still moan even though ive been up for 2-3 hours trying to settle our daughter and i couldn't take no more which is why i left, always believed in a relationship theres meant to be give and there was in that one i would always give and she would always take
no social workers no police involved and the only domestic violence was when she whacked me ive never layer a hand on her in violence

[Inca]

Re: legal rights for xmas and birthdays please help

You need to get a diary and make a record of everything,good or bad,,this could prove to be very useful IF things get worse.