residence order but mother doesnt want him anymore - advice please

[h4yley80]

Re: residence order but mother doesnt want him anymore - advice please

Thanks everyone. The post from Kitiara has frightened the day lights out of me :-( we just don't have that amount of cash. :-( unfortunately she is not a reasonable human being so sitting down and having an adult discussion is highly unlikely. and I don't trust her not to cause trouble if we just leave things as they are. It definitely needs to be official. He will be 13 in July
We are contacting court today so will keep you Informed.

Ps. Thanks for all the lovely comments. I'm not a mum myself but I'm 32 and not naive to the hard work this will involve if he does live with us permanently.

[PlanB]

Re: residence order but mother doesnt want him anymore - advice please

Something else your stepson may need to consider is whether he wants to keep in touch with his half sister/brothers once he officially changes homes. From what you say one is a baby and the other only a toddler.

But perhaps he's been feeling a bit displaced by the arrival of these new little people in his life because babies need so much attention and can compete for Mum's time which can trigger jealousy amongst siblings. Or perhaps his "mother" is finding everything is getting on top of her and is taking it out on him if he's not pulling his weight at home as the big brother. If the baby is anything like my one was at the same age he may just want to move out to get some sleep or peace and quiet!

Still don't give up completely on the idea of sorting this out amicably between all of you. What you want is a truce not a situation where she feels she's lost or you've stolen her son (which we know is not the case)and then feels the need to fight back even if she doesn't want him right now.

I can only say again that the lad is lucky to have you looking out for him at this difficult time in his life

[Inca]

Re: residence order but mother doesnt want him anymore - advice please

All a child needs (apart from the obvious) is someone to listen to them,,it's as simple and as complicated as that.

[PlanB]

Re: residence order but mother doesnt want him anymore - advice please

All a child needs (apart from the obvious) is someone to listen to them,,it's as simple and as complicated as that.

And a Sony Playstation 4 msl:

[Inca]

Re: residence order but mother doesnt want him anymore - advice please

And a Sony Playstation 4 msl:

,,well yeah,,and that msl:

[MissFM]

Re: residence order but mother doesnt want him anymore - advice please

Joking aside :rolleyes2: and back to the plot -

- in your position I would firstly have an informal chat with the Cafccass officer and tell him/her of the situation, stressing that you have NO excess money and just want things to work out for the best for your stepson - I suspect there are ways and means of circumventing expense if you can all agree on a way forward without court procedures, although you will most probably have to rubber-stamp any agreement in court. Unlike some other branches of SS, the cafcass arm does seem to be genuinely geared to finding solutions that are best for the children concerned and also appear to be genuinely skilled at working constructively with families to this end

- maybe a relatively loose arrangement with shared custody and access would suit you all better? Some issues may well turn out to hinge on benefits, maintenance and to whom the money goes, I'm sorry to say.

- as PlanB has highlighted, your stepson is very likely to become as intolerably difficult as all teenagers are in the near future and to (serially) change his mind - if you could possibly keep things flexible but with agreed ground rules it may work out better.

- your other option, to ask him to make a firm decision and to stick to it, could lead to bitter recriminations in the future

Hope it went well today, Hayley! x

[Inca]

Re: residence order but mother doesnt want him anymore - advice please

Kids go through that awful thing called PUBERTY,,and you need the patience of Job to resist the temptation of wringing the little darlings neck and a kid who is troubled (like my stepbrat,and yes I call her that to her face and she calls me Witchypoo) need a lot of coaxing and cajoling to get them through it. Any person, male or female,who inherits a child through marriage faces huge obstacles.
I agree with all the others,,tread carefully but firmly,,be elastic. CAFCASS was our saviour,seriously so,,they took the sting out of the tail,they spoke to our angel,on her own,and made sure she knew she could always contact them if needed.

Good luck
x

[MissFM]

Re: residence order but mother doesnt want him anymore - advice please

Also have just spotted on another thread - get in touch with "families need fathers" lot's of support www.fnf.org.uk - it seems x

[h4yley80]

Re: residence order but mother doesnt want him anymore - advice please

Well cafcass didn't really help, they passed my other half a number for an agency which we can't access In the uk. (no idea who it was supposed to be, my fella useless with things ) and the court say we need to submit a c100 form. I've looked it up online and it looks like a form for a new order. Unless you have to submit a new order to get the original changed. I'm so confused. Its starting to wear me Down now, can't seem to get anywhere with it all. Looks like a trip to the solicitor :-(

[PlanB]

Re: residence order but mother doesnt want him anymore - advice please

Don't be disheartened by all the red tape. The lad is feeling safe and secure under your wing which is what really matters. Your call to CAFCASS will have been logged (and possibly recorded) so you're doing all the right things in the right order :clap2:

[h4yley80]

Re: residence order but mother doesnt want him anymore - advice please

Thanks. Knew it would be hard, just hoped there would be someone to help. If only we were rich hey :-(

[h4yley80]

Re: residence order but mother doesnt want him anymore - advice please

We've had a breakthrough!!! His mum has agreed its for the best and has canceled the child benefits and informed the CSA he is living with us. So its a start.
Thanks all for your advice and stories. Much appreciated.

[PlanB]

Re: residence order but mother doesnt want him anymore - advice please

I'm so happy to hear this :bounce::bounce::bounce:

Please don't disappear from the Forum because it'll be helpful for others to follow your story every step of the way, and I must confess to being a little bit nosey since I didn't handle my divorce/child/step parent thing very well and I'm learning from your level headed approach as will others :cheer2:

[Inca]

Re: residence order but mother doesnt want him anymore - advice please

Thats great news hun,,however.................make sure you get the deal in writing and get her to sign it,,just to be on the safe side,,doesn't have to be a massive charter,,just a note stating the new arrangements as agreed by all of you and dated. Better to be safe than sorry. I'm so pleased she saw sense..makes you think poor kid was feeling shoved out for the younger ones but at least he has you to love him xx

[Kitiara]

Re: residence order but mother doesnt want him anymore - advice please

Hi Hayley .... so so pleased to hear your news, its always nice to hear a happy ending to something like this. :_tighthug__by_darkm (maybe you could have a word with my Parners ex and make her see sense? lol).

As Inca says, make sure you get all the agreements in writing, signed by both of you asap .. there is always a chance when the money stops she may decide she wants him back. Make sure you put in whatever contact arrangements you have put in place are documented too. It maybe worthwhile letting a solicitor have a look over it - the cost of that should be minimal (my solicitor looked over my divorce acknowledgement and charged me £20 - same sort of thing) and then at least if anything does go wrong, the agreement is already logged at a solicitors should you need to fight at a later date.

Relax and enjoy your newly extended family, and best wishes to you all.

Kit xx