residence order but mother doesnt want him anymore - advice please

[Inca]

Re: residence order but mother doesnt want him anymore - advice please

It's 13 actually. Ring CAFCASS hun as they have been involved,,they are familiar with the child. Ring the school too.

Sit him down (with his Dad) and bang into him how serious this really is and that you will fight for him but he has to be 100% honest,,and that ,once this starts,he can't ride 2 horses at the same time,he has to be sure this is what he wants. (Sounds harsh but it's for his own good) xx

[PlanB]

Re: residence order but mother doesnt want him anymore - advice please

Gosh is it really only 13 yrs old which is a time when children's hormones are all over the shop and some can be very manipulative during that phase. Still I'd rather a child was given the right to chose where they want to live than a court do it for them against their wishes:rant:

The good news is the OP's stepson is already 12 so he could be only weeks/months away from making his personal choice formal. That's a big step for him to take but he seems to be in safe hands at the moment

[Inca]

Re: residence order but mother doesnt want him anymore - advice please

I have a stepdaughter who has a useless Mother,,kid is only a cashcow,,ChildBenefit,tax credits etcetc,,that's why I say make sure it's all above board and water tight,We had the access rug pulled from under us because the silly mare threw a tantrum,we trotted off to court and won

[PlanB]

Re: residence order but mother doesnt want him anymore - advice please

I have a stepdaughter who has a useless Mother,,kid is only a cashcow,,ChildBenefit,tax credits etcetc,,that's why I say make sure it's all above board and water tight,We had the access rug pulled from under us because the silly mare threw a tantrum,we trotted off to court and won

Did that cost you a fortune in legal fees? The OP wants to know how much she'll have to pay to get this sorted officially although at the moment the mother doesn't seem to want to dispute it.

[The Debt Star]

Re: residence order but mother doesnt want him anymore - advice please

Surely the best advice, at present, is to ignore the residence order and let the boy continue to live with his father and step-mother? At 13 the court will listen to the child's opinion anyway. I suppose the advantage of legal proceeings to formalise everything so that the school knows who's in charge etc and perhaps to get some sort of maintenance provision from the "mother", but that's only any good if the person who is required to pay has a job...

[Inca]

Re: residence order but mother doesnt want him anymore - advice please

We were lucky,we got Legal Aid but I believe that is stopping in custody cases this year.
I agree with you in principle DS but ( and this is going to sound awful)..women are fickle creatures and also can be so nasty and conniving.I personally would want it done legally and properly because if the mother changes her mind and wants the child back the Dad has nothing to fight her with. (FORGIVE ME GIRLS!!)

[The Debt Star]

Re: residence order but mother doesnt want him anymore - advice please

If the OP and hubby can get the "mother" to agree at this juncture to a change in residence/contact arrangements, then the court costs will be a lot less. Maybe a meeting with father and birth mother to discuss and agree the terms, sound her out?

[Inca]

Re: residence order but mother doesnt want him anymore - advice please

If the OP and hubby can get the "mother" to agree at this juncture to a change in residence/contact arrangements, then the court costs will be a lot less. Maybe a meeting with father and birth mother to discuss and agree the terms, sound her out?

Thats a good idea.

[The Debt Star]

Re: residence order but mother doesnt want him anymore - advice please

I've been there, done it and got the T-Shirt, Inca

[Kitiara]

Re: residence order but mother doesnt want him anymore - advice please

Hi Hayley,

We are currently in a similar situation to you, my Partners 9 year old son wants to live with us, we have had to go through court (lots of amimosity from his Mum) and CAFCASS have been involved (if you get a "good" CAFCASS officer, they can be your best friend). We made the application in July last year, and the final hearing is set for April 12th this year. It will have cost us in the region of £4.5k by then (please dont be put off by this amount though - most solicitors will let you pay "on account" so its not all in one go) BUT if your Stepson's Mum really doesn't want him, it could be a heck of a lot cheaper than that - my Partners ex has been dragging it out with ridiculous accusations etc. If you can speak to a Family Law solicitor, and explain the situation to them, they should be able to give you an idea of costs (there are set costs for the residency application etc) the only thing they probably couldnt be 100% accurate on is the costs involved for their time, but they will have some idea of what is involved. We were warned when we started this application that our costs could be in the region of £3k-7K. If it is straightforward, it should be no where near that figure. We are nearing the end of our journey now, with CAFCASS recommending that my Partners son comes to us at the end of this school year, we just have to wait for the judge to "rubber stamp" the decision in April. I wont lie and say its been easy (don't think I have ever cried so much as I have the last 6/7 months) but its all worth it when the child you love is where they belong - a loving, stable home with Parents who care about them!

I wish you all the very best with this hun, your Partners son is lucky to have such a lovely understanding Stepmum.

Kit

[The Debt Star]

Re: residence order but mother doesnt want him anymore - advice please

Hi Hayley,

We are currently in a similar situation to you, my Partners 9 year old son wants to live with us, we have had to go through court (lots of amimosity from his Mum) and CAFCASS have been involved (if you get a "good" CAFCASS officer, they can be your best friend). We made the application in July last year, and the final hearing is set for April 12th this year. It will have cost us in the region of £4.5k by then (please dont be put off by this amount though - most solicitors will let you pay "on account" so its not all in one go) BUT if your Stepson's Mum really doesn't want him, it could be a heck of a lot cheaper than that - my Partners ex has been dragging it out with ridiculous accusations etc. If you can speak to a Family Law solicitor, and explain the situation to them, they should be able to give you an idea of costs (there are set costs for the residency application etc) the only thing they probably couldnt be 100% accurate on is the costs involved for their time, but they will have some idea of what is involved. We were warned when we started this application that our costs could be in the region of £3k-7K. If it is straightforward, it should be no where near that figure. We are nearing the end of our journey now, with CAFCASS recommending that my Partners son comes to us at the end of this school year, we just have to wait for the judge to "rubber stamp" the decision in April. I wont lie and say its been easy (don't think I have ever cried so much as I have the last 6/7 months) but its all worth it when the child you love is where they belong - a loving, stable home with Parents who care about them!

I wish you all the very best with this hun, your Partners son is lucky to have such a lovely understanding Stepmum.

Kit

Thank you for that useful post. The OP should find that informative.

[PlanB]

Re: residence order but mother doesnt want him anymore - advice please

Would it cost that much if the OP's stepson waits until he's 13 (any minute by the sound of it) when he can tell the court what he wants and so avoid all the legal shenanigans between the parents?

[Kitiara]

Re: residence order but mother doesnt want him anymore - advice please

PlanB ... As I understand it, if a 13 year old states that they want to live with Parent X, CAFCASS still have to do their home visits & background checks are still carried out on both parties. A Residency Order still has to be applied for, and Parent Y can still object to residency being granted to Parent X and so create problems. As a 13 year old their wishes are taken more into account and they are able to actually speak to the court rather than under 13, they have an informal chat with CAFCASS and notes are taken which are read out on the childs behalf in court. Obviously if a 13 year old is in court, the judge can ask questions directly to the child, rather than having to interpret what has been said behind closed doors to a CAFCASS officer - hence their wishes holding more sway with the court. A solicitor is still required for all the legal "bits" so although a child at 13 can be asked what they want, financially there is no benefit to the child being older.

[PlanB]

Re: residence order but mother doesnt want him anymore - advice please

I'm getting goosebumps just reading all this. The thought of someone else (a court) telling me what's best for my own child and acting on that perception is horrifying unless there is a clear case of abuse involved.

When I divorced in 1990 we had none of this intrusion or interference. We battled (and I mean battled) it out ourselves :fencing: I think a social worker tried to get involved but my daughter simply refused to speak to her and she went away.

Believe me I hated and still do hate my ex-husband with a vengeance but I managed to remain calm and objective when it came to matters over children. Mind you when it came to matters relating to money I was a very different person :argue:

I do worry sometimes that legal systems evolve that don't always benefit children and maybe only encourage or prolong antagonism in parents if it already exists.

[Kitiara]

Re: residence order but mother doesnt want him anymore - advice please

I guess what it comes down to PlanB is you, like Hayley and many many more (and I would like to include myself here) are good Mothers who want whats best for their child(ren), unfortunately not all are like ourselves, and see children as cash cows and barganing tools and occasionally it takes someone else (the court) to recognise this fact. Likewise some Dads are useless and would rather run a mile than pay anything towards their offspring. Its such a shame that the lovely Dads we get to meet on here, are all here because their ex's are playing silly bu**ers with their childrens lives and they desperately want whats best for their child like we do.