residence order but mother doesnt want him anymore - advice please

[h4yley80]

Hi there.
Any help gratefully received. My stepson age 12, was dropped off on our doorstep 2 weeks ago on thursday by his "mother" because she couldn't cope with him. She has only been intouch once during this time to drop off
£30 for his keep and when asked how long this was going to be for her reply "she hadn't even thought about it and was enjoying him not being there" that was a week ago on Tuesday. Last night after a heated argument she said she never wants to see him again and we can keep him.
I would love him to stay with his dad and I and he regularly tells us he doesn't want to live with her. My concern is that there is a court order that states he resides with his mother. I assume if we contact the court ourselves we will need to pay all charges. (unfortunately I don't have the privilege of legal aid but have no spare cash for a battle) she has obviously been in breach of this order for the last 2 weeks but won't contact the authoritys to hand him over officially.
What can we do?

[PlanB]

Re: residence order but mother doesnt want him anymore - advice please

Hi there.
Any help gratefully received. My stepson age 12, was dropped off on our doorstep 2 weeks ago on thursday by his "mother" because she couldn't cope with him. She has only been intouch once during this time to drop off
£30 for his keep and when asked how long this was going to be for her reply "she hadn't even thought about it and was enjoying him not being there" that was a week ago on Tuesday. Last night after a heated argument she said she never wants to see him again and we can keep him.
I would love him to stay with his dad and I and he regularly tells us he doesn't want to live with her. My concern is that there is a court order that states he resides with his mother. I assume if we contact the court ourselves we will need to pay all charges. (unfortunately I don't have the privilege of legal aid but have no spare cash for a battle) she has obviously been in breach of this order for the last 2 weeks but won't contact the authoritys to hand him over officially.
What can we do?

Oh dear, this is such a sad story. Is there really any need to formalise the legal situation just yet or could it wait until things settle down? My daughter's father had endless court orders for access (now called contact) and in the end she did what she wanted and ignored them all and him.

Obviously it will need to be regularized because there will be financial implications on maintenance etc. But in my experience 12 year olds can be very trying and I would have given mine away many times if I'd had the chance!

But it's quite right that you should look ahead at your and the lad's legal rights. Do you know whether his Mum would agree to vary the residence order particularly if she says she doesn't want him living with her? I'll check out how this can be done at minimal cost and get back to you.

And has something happened in his or his mother's life which could have triggered this sudden change of heart, like a new partner that he may not get on with? Children often commute between separated parents to get sanctuary away from any warfare at home, which includes arguing with your own Mum :argue:

You sound like just the sort of step mum he needs at a time like this. If only all step mums were as caring as you but sadly a lot of them aren't :witchy:

[labman]

Re: residence order but mother doesnt want him anymore - advice please

But in my experience 12 year olds can be very trying and I would have given mine away many times if I'd had the chance!

Sorry, but with absolutely no disrespect whatsoever to the OP during this horrible situation, I couldn't help finding this comment by Plan B hilarious, and oh so true! Excellent.

I hope sincerely the situation works out for the best for the boy. He alone is the important one here, and it is easy to forget this when emotions are raised a little. Good luck.

[Inca]

Re: residence order but mother doesnt want him anymore - advice please

Hi,,were CAFCASS or any other services involved when she got the Residence Order?
There is a lot more involved than her just deciding he is a pain in the butt and booting him out,,financial issues etc.
Obviously I don't know your personal circumstances but you may well have to involve solicitors to get custody as she holds all the cards at the moment.
I agree,tread carefully though, because kids that age are fickle and this could be a storm in a teacup.(I'm a stepmum).


It is,sadly,a matter of not letting the heart rule the head.

[enquirer]

Re: residence order but mother doesnt want him anymore - advice please

Do not let this situation continue without informing the court. She (or the child, for that matter), may suddenly change their mind, following which there could be unpleasant allegations.

[h4yley80]

Re: residence order but mother doesnt want him anymore - advice please

Thankyou for your comments. That was a lovely thing to say plan b. He clashes terribly with his mum and she is the sort of woman who thrives on arguments. She sent him to bed after the initial argument but then followed him shortly after and kept it going. She is convinced I am trying to steal him and In the past I have had to call the police because the threats of violence, the most recent being November.
After another phone call last night, his mum is adamant she doesn't want him back. But she's not prepared to help make it official. Yes cafcass were involved previously, would it be worth us contacting them? We are going to ring the court tomorrow morning. Does anyone have any idea how much it would cost to get the order amended?

[PlanB]

Re: residence order but mother doesnt want him anymore - advice please

She is convinced I am trying to steal him and . . .

Do you think she's trying to create a power struggle between you and her with maybe a bit of jealousy thrown in on her part :noidea:

Let's check out whether you are breaking any 'legal stuff' by having him in your home full-time first, and then check out what you should do next. Is he still attending school if you're not local to his previous home?

I'm impressed she got a 12 year old to go to bed when she said because I've never achieved that. Is the bit about her keeping the argument going coming from him or her because my daughter used to say all sorts about me to validate her bad behaviour?

I've been a step mum and a biological mum and I treat all children the same way. They are just children and I love them all until they get to be teenagers and p*ss me off :target:

[MissFM]

Re: residence order but mother doesnt want him anymore - advice please

Yo Planb!

[PlanB]

Re: residence order but mother doesnt want him anymore - advice please

Yo Planb!

I hope my daughter's not reading this or I'm sooo dead :scared:

[MissFM]

Re: residence order but mother doesnt want him anymore - advice please

the death ray....know it only too well...

Joking aside Hayley we're on your side!

[h4yley80]

Re: residence order but mother doesnt want him anymore - advice please

Yes he still attending school. I take him on my way to work. His past attendance has been poor as she bribes him into behaving by letting him have days off. She has a new partner and 2 other young children (2 and 1)
My stepson has regularly stated in the past he would like to live with us and frequently says he is just waiting for the day he is old enough to decide with his feet. I have had mixed advice on how old he needs to be before he can do that. Some say 14 others say 12. I only want what's best for him and if I thought this was just a silly argument then I'd let him stay till it calms Down and send him home. But this has been going on for a number of years now with this being the worse.

[PlanB]

Re: residence order but mother doesnt want him anymore - advice please

Joking aside Hayley we're on your side!

I coudn't agree more :clap2:

Bringng up children is always 'work in progress' :typing:

[MissFM]

Re: residence order but mother doesnt want him anymore - advice please

With experience only as an (interested) observer in these issues and with no legal expertise - in your position I would get CAFCASS involved. They really do seem to have the child's interests at heart.

[labman]

Re: residence order but mother doesnt want him anymore - advice please

As well as phoning the court tomorrow, please ensure you phone the school and speak to his Head of Year, or better still a Deputy Head or Headteacher. If his attendance has been poor, it is almost certain Education Welfare, and possibly Social Services will be involved.

Given school will have him for many of his waking hours, it's important they are kept fully informed of all developments.

[PlanB]

Re: residence order but mother doesnt want him anymore - advice please

My stepson has regularly stated in the past he would like to live with us and frequently says he is just waiting for the day he is old enough to decide with his feet. I have had mixed advice on how old he needs to be before he can do that. Some say 14 others say 12

As far as I'm aware the legal age that a residence order expires is 16 unless there are exceptional circumstances. He has obviously voted with his feet sooner and that's what counts most isn't it :grin:

Read this : http://www.sfla.co.uk/ageandresidence.htm