Advice on giving access to achild's father

[bwystfil]

Hi, not been on a forum such as this before, but hope someone can help.

My partner has been divorced for 4 yearsfrom the father of her child. He had an affair which ended the marriage.

In the past he has been very abusive ( once physically). So the relationship is one my partner is very weary of, she is scared of him to be fair. He has threatened to go forcustody and take their daughter several times (she has no reason to worry in my opinion but she still does!). She has full custody, and from day 1, access and maintenance have been verbal agreements.

The little girl (8), currently goes there 3 nights a week after him complaining and pressurizing her into it. She complains she doesnt want to go there. She Has also come back home for the 3rd time having not had her exczema cream applied causing problems. He walks off when my partner tries to give instructions, and/or involve him on discipline, or school issues. His attitude stinks to be honest. He acts a spoilt child if he doesnt get his way.

He pays £100 a month, which i feel is way to low considering him and his wife have more than decent incomes (he is management level). He contributes nothing else, and even sent her to school for PE withshoes full ofholes saying That he wont buy any as he gives maintenance.

We have basically had enough, and with the daughters desire not to go as often, and the basicneglect we feel in her welfare, something needs doing.

Does anybody know where we stand legally, and/or an opinion and advice on this? We obviously dnt want to have to go to court, but im prepared to, in the interests of the daughter. He will no doubt cry "custody battle" again which is worrying and putting off my partner doing anything. Surely he could only challenge custody if there were problems in my partners household?

Thanks for any help!

[leclerc]

Re: Advice on giving access to achild's father

Hi, not been on a forum such as this before, but hope someone can help.

My partner has been divorced for 4 yearsfrom the father of her child. He had an affair which ended the marriage.

In the past he has been very abusive ( once physically). So the relationship is one my partner is very weary of, she is scared of him to be fair. He has threatened to go forcustody and take their daughter several times (she has no reason to worry in my opinion but she still does!). She has full custody, and from day 1, access and maintenance have been verbal agreements.

The little girl (8), currently goes there 3 nights a week after him complaining and pressurizing her into it. She complains she doesnt want to go there. She Has also come back home for the 3rd time having not had her exczema cream applied causing problems. He walks off when my partner tries to give instructions, and/or involve him on discipline, or school issues. His attitude stinks to be honest. He acts a spoilt child if he doesnt get his way.

He pays £100 a month, which i feel is way to low considering him and his wife have more than decent incomes (he is management level). He contributes nothing else, and even sent her to school for PE withshoes full ofholes saying That he wont buy any as he gives maintenance.

We have basically had enough, and with the daughters desire not to go as often, and the basicneglect we feel in her welfare, something needs doing.

Does anybody know where we stand legally, and/or an opinion and advice on this? We obviously dnt want to have to go to court, but im prepared to, in the interests of the daughter. He will no doubt cry "custody battle" again which is worrying and putting off my partner doing anything. Surely he could only challenge custody if there were problems in my partners household?

Thanks for any help!

Maintenance is currently by verbal agreement or legal agreement?
Please separate out MAINTENANCE and CONTACT. One is money and the other is the emotional stability of your child.

If your partner thinks that the maintenance is too low then she needs to get a solicitor and take it to court or to mediation.

Have you asked your daughter what she actually wants? Ultimately, it is right that she does have contact with her father and she can decide ultimately what relationship she wants with him but as she is 8 years old, it is important for her to have contact with her father.

Do NOT stop contact or reduce it because of the maintenance because you have to separate the two completely. Maintenance works better when there is contact. If he sought custody then the views of the 8 year old become extremely important.

[bwystfil]

Re: Advice on giving access to achild's father

Sorry, money is verbal.

Totally separate, we aren't concerned about the money. I have no problem supporting my partner and step daughter. The point was linked to the neglect side. We want to reduce contact to 1 or 2 nights, for 1 as we are worried he doesnt carry out his duties as a father properly, and also has the girl wants to be with us more.

[Inca]

Re: Advice on giving access to achild's father

Been in the same boat,,will tell all tomorrow and Hi

[Hurricane Puffrose]

Re: Advice on giving access to achild's father

no matter what, remember any idiot can father a child it takes a MAN to be a daddy!

if you have worries about her welfare with her father it may be worth a word with teachers etc to see if they have spoken about her father, and if she really doesnt want to see her father then see if she will consent to contact via a contact centre, and no sleepovers.
As long as you give her the option of seeing her father, you are doing the right thing.

[Inca]

Re: Advice on giving access to achild's father

Hi bwstfyl,,,Firstly,I commend you for trying to defend your stepdaughter and seeing past the stupid threats of the father,,if he wanted custody of her he would have fought for it a long time ago.I agree with puff,,try and see a teacher at school,someone she trusts to see if l'il one will open up about her feelings,,also her GP,,does she know him/her? Maybe your wife going to see her GP and opening up dialogue about the child,,these people are handy to call on for reports in your
favour which will help when you end up in court (which you could well do).I would seek advice from a solicitor re the contact,,the child should not be forced to spend so much time with her Dad if she doesn't want to,,and the social services will see that,,I hate it when one parent plays God with a childs life,,just a bit of info,,I have 2 stepchildren now 26 and 21 who were dragged through so much mud from their biological parents that they have no contact with either of them,,only with me !!,,,Keep strong luv,,it will work out

[Celestine]

Re: Advice on giving access to achild's father

Given that at this stage EVERYTHING is verbal, there is absolutely nothing stopping you from reducing contact in an appropriate manner.

However, reducing contact will most likely trigger him reducing maintenance. (he will see the two as connected I suspect)

If your partner wants to increase or enforce her current maintenance, then she will need to get legal advice. If the money is unimportant to you as a family, then I wouldn't bother personally.

The dad may get legal advice to restore/increase his access to his daughter, but to change things forcibly he will need a court order; which will cost time and money.

His chances of gaining custody are very low given the circumstances and time that your step daughter has lived with her mum, so please assure your partner not to stress about this.

Does your partners ex have children with his new wife btw?

The only other tip I can offer, is try to be objective. Forgetting to put medication on isn't a sign of a great parent, but it isn't a sign of a bad parent either. His attitude toward money is a bit pathetic, re. shoes etc.

Growing tension between ex partners can affect the child in strange ways. Does your step daughter need some support here? What else is making her uncomfortable to see her dad?

Good Luck x

[bwystfil]

Re: Advice on giving access to achild's father

Thankyou for the advice. We do have her talking to teachers and her GP. She also has spoken to a councillor. 1 side issue to this ( or maybe direct issue ) is she has an horrendous attitude when she comes home from her Dads, including striking her Mum. She has admitted this is attention seeking, we all feel due to her not getting much at her Dads. The father and his wife have a young girl also now.

I get the point about medication, but another example is she got a rash from something in the garden at his house after playing out on a hot Sunday. She came home on the Tuesday. We showered her straight away as to put it bluntly, she smelled! We then found this rash. The reason he never is because he hadnt bathed or showered her all weekend. Shealso has a nut and egg allergy. My step daughter came home one weekend having had a fried egg. She hadquestioned why she was given itto her Dad and his partner (after eating it), and she said the answer was its "ok sometimes. Mummy got it wrong, you're okto eat eggs".

To be fair, my partner doesnt showhardly any animosity towards the father in front of the littlegirl, but i cant be sure the other way. Shecertainly sees his attitude walking offin the middle of conversations, his flippant attitude toissues e.g when I told him of an incident where she had punched her Mother in the tummy, his response was to laugh and say "we've a history of boxing in the family". As you can imagine, that needed a lot of restraint to not box him!

once again, thanks for the advice. We need to get these things documented, tackle it direct, whilst also being objective, and I feel prepare ourselves for the backlash from him!

X

[Inca]

Re: Advice on giving access to achild's father

Document absolutely everything,,however insignificant,,Ask the GP or specialist (if she sees one) for written proof of her allergies,give the Dad a copy,he is going to go out of his way to make sure l'il one acts like a complete brat when she comes back to you,,I had years of tantrums,hatred,totally vile behaviour and it's so hard to take but I dealt with it by laughing at it,,indicating how ridiculous it looked,Would it be possible for someone else to deliver/collect the child? an Aunt for instance,,someone who can remain objective,,not a messenger as such,just solely to prevent the ex having direct contact with your wife.Don't let the little things become big issues,,ok,,she smelt,that can be dealt with,she will soon get to an age where the bathroom is her best friend. The father is doing a great job of alienating the child,my son had the same thing,,Dad lived with someone he didn't like,he felt ignored etc etc,,come age 11,and football teams and lots of friends he started asking not to go to his Dads,I sat with him while he explained to his Dad why he didn't want so much contact and it eventually petered out to next to nothing,now age 24 my son sees his Dad maybe twice a year and doesn't initiate contact,his attitude is his father should contact him,he is the parent.Trust me,it took every scrap of strength not to swing for his Dad,and my stepkids parents! (mind you,,they lost out eventually) You are not alone,and it will get better with time,but make sure you cover all the bases legally and emotionally,the l'il one will thank you one day,

Inca