Child contact process and delays.

[FTW Mamuskills]

Re: Child contact process and delays.

They have only managed to speak to my daughter without her mother there on one occasion, and that was when she said "mommy will get angry" ect ect. Since then her mother has point blank refused to leave the room. It is pretty obvious that she is worried about what our daughter may say, but Cafcass dont help themselves at all, they havent flagged any concerns despite how obvious everything is.

I know most Cafcass workers are great but i think we have been given the office clown.

[Kitiara]

Re: Child contact process and delays.

Do CAFCASS ever speak to your daughter on her own, or does she always have someone with her? My Partners son is 9 and CAFCASS originally spoke to him in front of his Mum, he was very reticent and wouldn't really say much, they then asked his Mum to leave the room and spoke to him on his own, he was much more relaxed, especially knowing that no one could hear what he was saying. I know that CAFCASS are not allowed to "put words into the mouths" of the children, but our CAFCASS officer was really good, she realised that my Partners son was not going to volunteer information, but when asked specific questions, he was more than happy to say how he felt about certain things i.e. "how do you feel when Mummy doesn't let Daddy see you?"

I know each case is different, and I can only relate to what is happening in ours, we may just have been lucky (so far) with our CAFCASS officer, but if something is working for us in ours, maybe it could help in yours - and vice versa?

[FTW Mamuskills]

Re: Child contact process and delays.

Thankyou very much Kitiara.

Unfortunately deceptions within the family law system are huge. My stint of court hearings have now been going on for 3 years and every 3 months or so I meet with Cafcass to give my views and hear more and more lies from my ex. I wouldnt mind if they were partially credible but they really are not. The first one was the good old domestic violence accusation, she stated that I had beat her up and was arrested but she later dropped the charges. Ironically the police had no refernce to this incident and it was then further disproved after I evidenced that I was not even in the country at the time of the alleged attack. It followed with accusing me of not paying child maintenance (used on a number of occasions), disproved by CSA statements (which evidenced overpayment). The list goes on and on to be honest.

What really bugs me is that my daughter has given clear indications that her reluctance to participate in positive contact stems from her mother. She has told Cafcass that "Mommy will be angry if i see Daddy" and "Im really scared but I dont know why". There are many more of these but just those two statements alone should get Cafcass workers thinking about why a child is coming out with these statements, instead they ignore them and attribute it to the court process being too stressful.

I agree that custody/ contact battles can be extremely stressful, but this stress should not fall on the shoulders of children. A good parent in my opinion provides sufficient support and encouragement to a child/ children so that the whole process can be an effective way of engaging with both parents.

I have evidenced everything I possibly can and you are absolutely right, evidence on paper rather than spoken word hold alot of ground. Obviously the most frustrating thing is that I can see the damage being done to my child and the proffesionals that are supposed to break barriers are effectively failing my child.

[Kitiara]

Re: Child contact process and delays.

Hi FTWMamuskills,

We have the same problem with my partners ex claiming that his son has never said that he wants to live with us, and we were worried that CAFCASS wouldn't take any notice of us telling them that it has been said many times to several different people (including his Mother). Our solicitor has advised us that everyone he has said this to, should do a written statement stating what was said and when, sign and date it (she has even said that we can have it witnessed by her) and present this in court, they cannot ignore written evidence, especially if it is witnessed by a solicitor (can't remember the official term for this type of document). We have statements from everyone he has told, he has even written a letter to our solicitor informing her of his wishes, which actually brought tears to her eyes.

We have also been told to keep a record of all the lies being told by his ex, and our evidence to refute them (I'm sure your probably already doing this, but it all helps as this builds a strong case to show how manipulative she can be), his ex has claimed their relationship broke down in 2007, we have the wedding booking correspondence showing they were due to get married in 2009 etc. If things are written down, its much harder for them to be ignored, than if they are just verbally refered to, thats what we have been told anyway - I guess the proof of that will be on Sept 18th went we go to court for the first hearing.

Good Luck

Kit

[FTW Mamuskills]

Re: Child contact process and delays.

Ok guys need some advice here.

How do i get Cafcass to see whats in front of their noses ?

There are more and more lies emerging and whats really bugging me is that Cafcass are not calling even questioning them.
Usually I wouldnt mind but the fact is I can 100% say that I have been nothing but honest.

Today my mother popped round to see my daughter with her birthday presents (from her and ones from me too). She started spewing out a load of
stuff that my mother already knew were lies and then the strangest thing happened. My mother spoke to my daughter alone and without going into
to many details, my daughter told my mother that she is not allowed to speak to me because her mommy gets very angry.

My mother uncovered this within 5 minutes. What are cafcass playing at? They have had 3 years and uncovered nothing.

What can I realistically do to help my child?

Thank you guys

[Hurricane Puffrose]

Re: Child contact process and delays.

well hun,

you can sleep easy, I have a vision of you in say 6 years time with your kids about you muck acting about (and i mean ALL your kids) and your grandkids being told my your daughter, My dad FOUGHT for me.. thats why hes so special..

oh and as I correctly told 4 friends they would not only marry within 6 months but that they were pregnant and the sex of their babies, theres a good shot im right!!

[FTW Mamuskills]

Re: Child contact process and delays.

Actually puff i was just on your topic and can see exactly where your coming from. There really are some people that should simply not be allowed near children. Ill happily be the fist to say that the larger proportion of these individuals are fathers.

Anyone verbally, physically or emotionally (or the other one) abusing a child should quite simply be banned from being in a childs presence. It seems that there are harsher punishments for driving like an idiot than potentially destroying a childs childhood.

I would love to be able to dive into the future to see how these horrible individuals live with themselves years on.

[Hurricane Puffrose]

Re: Child contact process and delays.

after having my little neices on the phone crying over the behaviour of their father, i cant tell you how much reading about a dad that just wants to make a fuss of his little girl.

CAFCASS in my experience are no use nor ornament, as when my neice stated the last thing she wanted to do was see her dad, the social worker woman said very patronisingly to a very streetwise 8 year old, Oh but think how SAD daddy would be not to see you, and how much FUN you are missing out on!

Personally being called a.. well due to having a nephew with learning disablilties I love desperatly, I refuse to repeat the names he calls her, I dont call than fun and being wanted. but that doesnt matter apparently.

[FTW Mamuskills]

Re: Child contact process and delays.

Leclerc, thankyou for your post by the way

[FTW Mamuskills]

Re: Child contact process and delays.

Kitiara many thanks for your post, and there is no need to apologise for jumping in, i welcome insights from all. Id rather have to much information to consider than not enough. Your 3rd paragraph really jumped out at me. There are so many proffesionals out there that really do fail to see things that are staring them in the face. Organisations are meant to stay neutral but it is difficult for them, that said they are the ones with the training, it is such a shame that so many are failing children across the country.

leclerc: To approach the school I must have parental responsibility or the consent of a resident parent. Unfortunately PR is still in negotiation stage and well as highlighted resident parent loves to deny any request. The denial was on the basis that "i hadnt shown any interest". Strange really because 80% of my letters ask about school, at contact we discuss school, subjects and other things. For example: she is part of the football team, loves art, is tryin really hard with her maths and more recently has had problems at school in the form of bullying from a little boy name Ryan. Hardly information someone would retain or even know without showing an interest.

[leclerc]

Re: Child contact process and delays.

yeah that was pretty much my suggestion when asked by Cafcass, i said "activity based contact" would be the most viable way forward, i went on to joke that the lady from the contact centre can come along because she is "ace". I think i get so confused because my suggestions are always reasonable and are justified by contact centre reports ect and then come court day I always walk into my ex partner (as much as i hate to say) lying about factual events and getting away with it. Put another way, one of my biggest discussion points with my daughter (besides the magical world of disney) is her education, we discuss her subjects her friends and more recently some problems she has been having with a bully. On this basis i requested my daughters end of year school report so i can see how she is getting on academically. This has been refused as my ex-partners claims I have shown no interest in my childs education. This may seem like a minor thing, but the contact centre note my conversations which prove (along with my letters ect) that i have been following my daughters education as closeley as possible for a rather long time. These are the blatant lies my ex seems to get away with every time, cafcass seem unable to check the facts. It honestly feels like when they publish a report they simply copy and paste random statements and hope for the best.

Are you not able to request school reports from the school? Or does it have to go through the solicitor?

[Kitiara]

Re: Child contact process and delays.

Apologies for jumping in on a thread but just wanted to add my support to FTW!!

My Partner and I are currently going through a similar situation with his ex and 9 year old son (although ours has now progressed to a Residency request) his ex could well be related to FTW's ex ... we had the same problem with no access (had 5 months access out of 19 months), denied phone calls, lies and trumped up charges to the police, she even took him on a 3 weeks holiday to the US and didn't return for 5 months, marrying an "online friend" whilst she was out there (we now have a PSO in place to stop this happening again). We had to apply for, and was granted a Contact Order in April 2012, since then she has broken or "bent" this several times and hopefully this will be dealt with on our next court visit!

His son wants to live with us, he has told his Mum (although she has denied he has even mentioned living with us),CAFCAS, his Uncle, My Daughter - basically anyone that will listen to him that he wants to live with us, he has also written to our solicitor stating he wants to live with us - and his reasons why (his stepdad has hit him, they ignore him spending upto 16 hours a day on their computer games, meals are sporadic, often no breakfast as they are still in bed and the house is a compete pigsty etc). Our first Residency hearing is on 18th September - one of many I fear as his ex is not going to give up almost £500 per month in benefits easily.

My Partner, like FTW only wants what is best for his child, and I applaud FTW for his calm and sensible approach to obtaining this, it's not always easy to keep your cool when you can see what SHOULD be black and white is distinctly gray for the ones making the decisions. It does sound as if FTW's ex is using their Daughter as a weapon to get back at him for leaving, again similar to our situation, but a friend summed it up for us the other day saying "if she put as much energy into loving and caring for xxx as she does hating you, everyone would be happy!"

I wish you all the luck in the world FTW, your Daughter is lucky she has such a caring Dad, and if nothing else comes out of this, she will know as she gets older and understands more that you did all you could to ensure she had a stable upbringing and that you love her unconditionally!!

Remember - Good things come to those that wait!

[FTW Mamuskills]

Re: Child contact process and delays.

yeah that was pretty much my suggestion when asked by Cafcass, i said "activity based contact" would be the most viable way forward, i went on to joke that the lady from the contact centre can come along because she is "ace". I think i get so confused because my suggestions are always reasonable and are justified by contact centre reports ect and then come court day I always walk into my ex partner (as much as i hate to say) lying about factual events and getting away with it. Put another way, one of my biggest discussion points with my daughter (besides the magical world of disney) is her education, we discuss her subjects her friends and more recently some problems she has been having with a bully. On this basis i requested my daughters end of year school report so i can see how she is getting on academically. This has been refused as my ex-partners claims I have shown no interest in my childs education. This may seem like a minor thing, but the contact centre note my conversations which prove (along with my letters ect) that i have been following my daughters education as closeley as possible for a rather long time. These are the blatant lies my ex seems to get away with every time, cafcass seem unable to check the facts. It honestly feels like when they publish a report they simply copy and paste random statements and hope for the best.

[leclerc]

Re: Child contact process and delays.

I am meeting with my solicitor next week to discuss these claims and to examine the contact centre report that has finally been sent over (many many weeks late).

Ohhhh and i forgot to mention, I met with Cafcass last week, not much to tell, they had not met my ex, my daughter and had no notes from the contact centre. I asked if i would have another opportunity to discuss preceedings and was simply told that the meeting at the time was my opportunity (despite the fact they had no information at all to discuss with me)

CAFCASS, independent social workers reliant on the courts for work and yet they do not even do the basics, ie actually see your daughter and her mother despite being meant to be looking after the child's best interests......I daren't say they are useless but I think I might have, lol!!!

With regards to contact, solicitor to contact her solicitor to ask for contact which would be in the child's interest unless she is going away on holiday. Contact supervisors work throughout the summer months so that is no excuse. Contact centres do close for the summer which might be an issue but what about simply contact in the park with a supervisor which means she can play on the swings?

[FTW Mamuskills]

Re: Child contact process and delays.

I am meeting with my solicitor next week to discuss these claims and to examine the contact centre report that has finally been sent over (many many weeks late).

Ohhhh and i forgot to mention, I met with Cafcass last week, not much to tell, they had not met my ex, my daughter and had no notes from the contact centre. I asked if i would have another opportunity to discuss preceedings and was simply told that the meeting at the time was my opportunity (despite the fact they had no information at all to discuss with me)