Threat of a Money Claim

[PlanB]

Re: Threat of a Money Claim

I have been considering replying to her letter saying that I don't want things between us to stay broken and that I am hurting from this but knowing her that would make her angry.

Why do you think she'd be angry if you told her you were hurting?

[PlanB]

Re: Threat of a Money Claim

Walk right over her, and get away. Once away, stay away.

The OP has already gone away

on the first night I was locked out I ended up calling my aunty who picked me up. I've been staying here ever since and I'm welcome here for as long as I need.

And now she feels sad and wants things to be resolved between them :hug:

To be honest I'm feeling very hurt and very confused, the threat of legal action is terrifying me. I don't want WWIII, I just want everything to be as it was before but I have no idea how to go back and no idea how to go forward

[MissFM]

Re: Threat of a Money Claim

The relationship between my mother and I has recently broken down due to actions on her part. I have moved out of the family home because of this.

I have since received a letter from her demanding back money for a number of things she has bought me. This letter is an itemised list with amounts for each thing. She states that if I do not "PAY UP ASAP" then she will be forced to take legal action. From looking online I am guessing that she is limited to either making a money claim herself or getting a solicitor to do it on her behalf. She is asking for money back for things such as my wedding dress which she bought for me, and has plucked the figures out of thin air. For example she is asking for £1000 back for the dress when it only cost £750 (I have the receipts to prove this).
The other thing she is demanding back is £6000 which I apparently have in my account from my dad's life insurance money. She originally put £20,000 of this money into my account and I sent £14,000 of this back to her on the first day that the breakdown of our relationship happened. She seems to think that I have the missing £6000, although she seems to conveniently be forgetting the £4000 stairs she just put in and the money she spent on Christmas using this money.

I am very scared that she is going to take legal action. Despite the fact that I am innocent, and I believe I would have enough proof (receipts, bank statements etc) to this end, I am unable to afford any legal help. The total amount she wants from me is over £10,000.

Would she be able to claim for things like my dress, which were 'gifts'- things she bought then gave to me? Would she be able to claim for the £6000 as it was in a bank account in my name? I am sure I can prove that she spent this money herself from the date of receipts for the stairs and my statements should show that the money was transferred to her account.

My point is, this isn't just a clear cut "here's some cash, pay it back to me". A lot of what she is demanding paying for was given to me in the form of goods which she didn't want to be paid back for until this week, so it is plain that she is doing this out of spite. As much as I try to reassure myself I am still very scared as I am due to marry a US citizen and get my US visa, so I am worried what will happen if I move abroad and she has filed something against me.

You don't have any need to worry that you owe your mother any money in the legal sense (or any other) if the above is true, Powerchord.

In order to preempt any legal action, you could send your mother an itemised account of where all the money has gone and a list of the gifts that she has made to you, presented in a clinical form (ie as a Statement of accounts). One way of doing this would be to take her list and put the correct figures/provenance in another colour/typeface beneath it (a bit like how some reply to posters on here.) Where she is charging you for gifts she made, highlight that it was a gift and also put the true cost. Emphasize that you have receipts and bank statements to prove this. Make it mathematically cold and clinical.

If it were me, I would send this Statement with the covering letter explaining your hurt, confusion and wish that your relationship could be returned to how it was (as discussed above) - whatever comes from your heart.

Although I believe you would win a Pyrrhic victory if this went to court, I also believe that the only real winners would be the lawyers, certainly neither you nor your mother.

Maybe such a letter would pull you both back from the brink :tinysmile_kiss_t4: x

NB would also be useful evidence if things did escalate...

[MissFM]

Re: Threat of a Money Claim

That thought had crossed my mind, though we have been engaged since May and she has frequently said that she is happy for me although she will miss me. You may have guessed from the life insurance bit but my dad died a while ago. In the week leading up to this, some developments happened relating to the hospital negligence he suffered as well as my granddad having an op to remove a cancerous tumour so I've been questioning whether this is a reaction to stress or some kind of breakdown.

What happened was we dropped my younger brother off at his uni last Sunday and she just drove off without me. I came back to the house in total darkness and keys on the inside so I couldn't get in. I had nothing on me (medication, money etc) When she was in work the next day I got in with the help of a locksmith and took my things. It was then the phone calls started demanding money back and I received the letter yesterday (Saturday).

To be honest I'm feeling very hurt and very confused, the threat of legal action is terrifying me. I don't want WWIII, I just want everything to be as it was before but I have no idea how to go back and no idea how to go forward!

Thank you both for your kind words

I'm puzzled about this.. why did you need a locksmith? As you had a key (you say you couldn't get in the night before because the "key was on the inside")?

It's just that, putting myself in your mother's position, I can see how this action might seem a little confrontational and maybe would explain some of her panic. Trying to understand :confused2:

[CleverClogs]

Re: Threat of a Money Claim

Maybe such a letter would pull you both back from the brink

Failing which, it may be possible to arrange for your mother to be given a good slapping. :grin:

[powerchord]

Re: Threat of a Money Claim

I'm puzzled about this.. why did you need a locksmith? As you had a key (you say you couldn't get in the night before because the "key was on the inside")?

It's just that, putting myself in your mother's position, I can see how this action might seem a little confrontational and maybe would explain some of her panic. Trying to understand :confused2:

What I meant is that she had left the keys inside the locks on the inside of the house, so that the keys I had would not slot into the locks on the outside properly. So even though my brother (who had driven me back from his halls of residence) had keys, I was still locked out as I was unable to use them. Hope that makes sense!

I did actually send her a letter (recorded post) today. It explained both my hurt, confusion and worry over the situation. I was careful not to make the letter patronising, accusing or insulting. I also mentioned my confusion over the letter she sent as the totals were incorrect. I mentioned a few of the correct totals and said that I hope she remembered spending money on the stairs etc and how devastated I am that she would accuse me of stealing/keeping this money. I'm hoping that might convince her to stave off legal action and possibly come round in time, but I am fully expecting a barrage of angry phone calls once she receives it. During a neighbour dispute in the past she responded to an olive branch letter that they sent with a solicitor's letter saying "do not contact me" so that might also be a possibility.

For the poster who asked why this would make her angry (can't scroll back that far to see who it was!) whenever we have argued in the past, if I try to rationalise a situation, explain myself or anything of the sort she just gets very angry and doesn't want to know. She has also, in the past, felt that I try to be clever or a "smartass" if I try to rationalise or explain things when really I'm just trying to get her to see things from my perspective. It's a very difficult balancing act trying to make up with her without angering her further.

[MissFM]

Re: Threat of a Money Claim

What I meant is that she had left the keys inside the locks on the inside of the house, so that the keys I had would not slot into the locks on the outside properly. So even though my brother (who had driven me back from his halls of residence) had keys, I was still locked out as I was unable to use them. Hope that makes sense! It does make sense - but what doesn't is that if she were out the next day there would be no key on the inside of the lock so yours should have worked (I know it's academic, but it just puzzles me why the locksmith).

I did actually send her a letter (recorded post) today. It explained both my hurt, confusion and worry over the situation. I was careful not to make the letter patronising, accusing or insulting. I also mentioned my confusion over the letter she sent as the totals were incorrect. I mentioned a few of the correct totals and said that I hope she remembered spending money on the stairs etc and how devastated I am that she would accuse me of stealing/keeping this money. I'm hoping that might convince her to stave off legal action and possibly come round in time, but I am fully expecting a barrage of angry phone calls once she receives it. During a neighbour dispute in the past she responded to an olive branch letter that they sent with a solicitor's letter saying "do not contact me" so that might also be a possibility. Very well done - let's hope for the best (but, from what you say, prepare for the worst)

For the poster who asked why this would make her angry (can't scroll back that far to see who it was!) whenever we have argued in the past, if I try to rationalise a situation, explain myself or anything of the sort she just gets very angry and doesn't want to know. She has also, in the past, felt that I try to be clever or a "smartass" if I try to rationalise or explain things when really I'm just trying to get her to see things from my perspective. It's a very difficult balancing act trying to make up with her without angering her further.

Keep us posted - we are all on your side here and hoping it will work out for you.

Also, FWIW, (and others may disagree) I don't think you need worry about your US visa.

What does your brother make of it all?

[PlanB]

Re: Threat of a Money Claim

I don't think you need worry about your US visa.

^^^^ I agree with MissFM on that point. Only a criminal conviction would have a negative impact on your US visa application. In which case make an extra effort to keep things calm so your mother doesn't have any reason to call the police if things get heated.

[PlanB]

Re: Threat of a Money Claim

whenever we have argued in the past, if I try to rationalise a situation, explain myself or anything of the sort she just gets very angry and doesn't want to know. She has also, in the past, felt that I try to be clever or a "smartass" if I try to rationalise or explain things when really I'm just trying to get her to see things from my perspective.

I can relate to that. Whenever my daughter points out my flaws (believe it or not I have many ) I always get cross. When she was young I could say "don't answer back" or "go to your room" now she's 28 years old and taller than me it's a bit difficult. I tend to walk out of the restaurant and leave her to pay the bill

It usually happens when she's trying to get me to see things from her perspective, and yes I regularly call her a "smartarse" because she is from my perspective msl:

[MissFM]

Re: Threat of a Money Claim

I can relate to that. Whenever my daughter points out my flaws (believe it or not I have many ) I always get cross. When she was young I could say "don't answer back" or "go to your room" now she's 28 years old and taller than me it's a bit difficult. I tend to walk out of the restaurant and leave her to pay the bill

It usually happens when she's trying to get me to see things from her perspective, and yes I regularly call her a "smartarse" because she is from my perspective msl:

Quite, PlanB - who'd have'm? x

[powerchord]

Re: Threat of a Money Claim

MissFM, your question about her leaving the keys in the locks is the kicker. She had gone out to work the next day and would have been locked out when she came home. My guess is she would have locked the back door from the inside and left the key in the lock, then slammed the self-locking front door on herself, forgetting she'd left the key in that lock also. She would have had to have called a locksmith herself to be able to get in. As there were keys on the inside of both locks I have no idea how else she would have got back in when she got home as there were no open windows etc. I don't think she realised that she'd done it.

My brother is furious with her. They will probably make up in time though.

Thanks for all the reassurances, especially about the visa.

[MissFM]

Re: Threat of a Money Claim

I know this isn't your question but it really does sound as if your mother could do with a lot of help & support - have you thought further about consulting your GP? Or other agencies? When you go to the States this is all going to fall on your little brother......

[powerchord]

Re: Threat of a Money Claim

I know this isn't your question but it really does sound as if your mother could do with a lot of help & support - have you thought further about consulting your GP? Or other agencies? When you go to the States this is all going to fall on your little brother......

I agree. She is currently undergoing occupational therapy (she's a staff nurse!) and has been ever since she returned to work after my dad's death as she has problems with sleeping etc so can no longer do night shifts and such. My concern is that she is very, very adept at putting on an act or a mask for the outside world, I'm not sure how honest she is with the occy health lady but if she keeps up the act whilst she's there then it won't be of much use.

Everything falling to my brother is something I've felt guilty of ever since I got engaged. He's 19 and a sensible kid but it's a lot to deal with especially as he's trying to get through uni. She does have close friends (who undoubtedly think I'm the worst person in the world right now, the last time we had a falling out she told people that I punched her!) who would hopefully be able to help, but I firmly believe that if this is something deeper like a breakdown then she won't get help until she realises she needs it.

[MissFM]

Re: Threat of a Money Claim

Everything falling to my brother is something I've felt guilty of ever since I got engaged.

No - I wasn't trying to guilt trip you, not at all!

Just trying to think around what would be best for you all - that elusive "win-win" situation that I believe to be available however trying the circumstances may appear

[enquirer]

Re: Threat of a Money Claim

"A vicious streak" Good grief, that's a massive assumption [...] I hope this recent incident is a one-off which can be mended.

It would be nice to think so. However, the OP has indicated that there is a long history of unpleasant behaviour.

... but knowing her that would make her angry.

She usually just says hurtful things in the heat of the moment and we make up afterwards.

One also suspects that if this follows the usual pattern, the 'making up' will consist largely of the other person giving way.