urgent advice. child protection

[sarah nicholson]

Please help. My children were put on child protection register and I thoroughly dispute most of the reasons that were unsubstantiated. I suffer from clinical depression and have substance misuse issues which are amplified by my depression. It is also possible that I have undiagnosed adhd. This makes sense immensely when looking at my childhood. Had excellent parents but addictive personality and had problems from teenage years with any addictive substance from alcohol to recreational drugs. I went on to have a very successful career in the city and was high rate taxpayerfrom age of 22. After buying a new house and starting a business I took a career break coinciding with the recession and after my daughter born fell into post natal depression.

Sorry I have written too much background. I first came to social services attention when an overzealous friend reported suspected abuse after seeing bruises on me. They visited the home and bedrooms and were initially happy until it was revealed that I was on a prescribed controlled drug. It was then we become put on a child in need plan. After a while were told we didn't meet their threshold and would be coming off it following a stressful move after being repossessed. We came off the plan but I had misfortune to make friends with a young mother who turned out to be a nasty trouble maker. After a big fall out after I lent her a significant amount of money which wasn't repaid she set about ruining our lives. She made many false accusations and reports and an investigation was made. To cut a long story short we were told that they were satisfied but needed to stay in contact with the local children centre which are part of social services. The lady reported back to them them that she was concerned as she had driven through the village and seen my six year old on her own on her bike next to main road. The social worker explained that her boss wanted us back on child in need plan as our case kept coming back. My children's dad had also moved out and I was quite overwhelmed with a hyperactive 3 year old and 6 year old and had problems transporting them to school and nursery which was in a village 6 miles away.

The nasty neighbour had made life unbearable. Shouting abuse and throwing rubbish at the house. We were then transferred to a smaller property in a large town. My depression had reached rock bottom and relationship with my ex deteriorated and was bullied and verbally abused in front of children. Made some positive change regarding children attendance at school and was never late taking them or collecting.

School have not had any concerns. They are well behaved and clean and tidy and above all very happy. Plus ahead of where they should be academically.

The children started going to stay at their dads most weekends and I have struggled with using drugs when they have been away. Because of this mainly that's lead to being put on CP plan.

Their dad is pushing for residence of them and I am sick with worry about losing them. I feel I need legal advice. Can anyone help? They went on the plan in December. I mistakenly thought I had 9 months in which to make them happy. However there is a conference coming up in 2 weeks.

[Kati]

Re: urgent advice. child protection

Hi Sarah,

Firstly ... can I say 'well done' for taking the first step and asking for advice/support with this :tinysmile_grin_t:
Child Protection meetings can be scary, especially when you have no idea what is going to happen however, I can assure you that you will find lots of the Beagles will be able to offer advice :nod:

I do think that it would be a good idea for you to have a look through the Family Rights Group website (http://www.frg.org.uk) and discussion boards (http://www.frg.org.uk/ParentsForum/) where there is lots of information you will find useful in the coming weeks.

Please do not hesitate to ask questions on here too, we're a friendly (and knowledgeable) group who will help and support you in any way we can!
:grouphug:

Kati xx

[sarah nicholson]

Re: urgent advice. child protection

Thanks very much for your encouragement. You are right about this is a very difficult and shameful subject and feel prejudgment as society have preconceived ideas about those that have substance abuse issues. The fact is that my children are my world and I would die for them. Unfortunately even though this is the case I have struggled to get long lasting abstinence but in my defence it's always when the children are away with their dad. Bizarrely the more stress I feel from social care and their unannounced checks and unsubstantiated and false accusations, the worse I have become.

I feel that there are many sub standard parents who don't love and nurture their kids. How about the children that are forced to care for the parents as they are disabled or sick in some way. But what they say to me is what if the children come home one Sunday and I am dead on kitchen floor. Surely that can be said about anyone. My health fanatic friend dropped dead aged. 30 from an brain bleed. In the 20 odd years I have dabbled in drugs I have never overdosed or been admitted to hospital.

I hope I can get some help. Thanks again

S

[Kati]

Re: urgent advice. child protection

Are you getting help for your addiction?? It can only help your situation if you can 'prove' you are willing to try :tinysmile_grin_t:

K x

[sarah nicholson]

Re: urgent advice. child protection

I am getting help however since local government cuts tjr drug agency has changed twice and the services offered are reduced to the bare bones. For example when I managed to get long term abstinence in the past I feel it was through the access to holistic treatment and the service offered gym membership with creche. It is now just an hour chat once a week or if doing well once every 2weeks. When I mention that this could be partly contributing to success or lack of it. I have asked if rehab could be looked at. But it seems I would need to reduce off my prescription by 50percent, and be not using street drugs. This apparently shows real motivation to change. The poor buggers that need it desperately it seems are not considered worthy of funding.

[Kati]

Re: urgent advice. child protection

What exactly is the conference? Is it an initial meeting after a 'Section 47 enquiry'?

Here's some more links for you to look through too

• http://www.safeguardingchildren.co.u...rocedures.html
• http://protectingchildren.org.uk/cp-...ecommendation/
• http://www.frg.org.uk/2-3-what-shoul...ion-conference

K xx

[leclerc]

Re: urgent advice. child protection

Firstly, how does social services know you are doing drugs?

I kinda agree with Kati on the issue of whether there is any support groups in your local area for drug addiction?
I would add that drug addiction normally has underlying causes and it might be useful for you to explore that issue.

I am gonna ask someone on here to perhaps take a look at the thread and offer any help that they can in relation to addiction issues excluding any child protection issues.

Are we dealing with one child aged 6? Three months is quite a short gap but there maybe statutory deadlines before the Child Protection reviews of 6 months kick in.

[leclerc]

Re: urgent advice. child protection

Further to the above post, I have been told to advise that it might be good for you to contact Narcotics Annonymous or Cocaine Annonymous so you are able to talk about the issue of substance abuse with people who know where you are coming from.....the person above will be on here later this evening to give more advice(once they have sorted out their logging in issues ).

[leclerc]

Re: urgent advice. child protection

My daughter had similar accusations when she asked her lodger to move out. Everything seemed to get worse, almost proving what was being said. She found the best way was to almost embrace social services help. Rather than treat them as interfering she asked their advice. She now has a good relationship with them. The drug side is a bit different as she had only used cocaine a few times recently so could deny it and she hasn't used since social services have been involved.
The best place for you would be Narcotics Anonymous or Cocaine Anonymous. You will be able to talk freely to like minded people who won't be so judgemental. You will also be able to build up a support network which it sounds like you need. Finding things to take your mind off drugs is very important, just getting thru this moment, the next five minutes - which becomes ten minutes, half an hour, then hour, then a day! Time passes.
It is easy to find excuses to use. I used because I was bored or had loads to do. Had to socialise or was on my own, had money worries or had spare money, felt depressed or felt happy. Basically I used no matter what. Our brains find any reason to use. I don't know what else to say really.
Believe in yourself, believe you can get through it - if you find that hard then please believe

[MissFM]

Re: urgent advice. child protection

Hi Sarah,

Firstly, I'd like to echo the wise words from Kati and Leclerc above. You are clearly beleaguered at the moment on multiple fronts and I do beg you not to add to your pain by beating yourself up over it all.

It's a sad fact that addiction makes you a soft target for those that would undermine you. It shouldn't, per se, be an excuse for social services to question your fitness as a parent unless the children are suffering. No parent is perfect and there's no blueprint.

See here from Nottingham's guidance on the issue http://www.nottinghamcity.gov.uk/CHt...x?id=13383&p=0 :

1.5

Whilst not condoning the use of drugs and / or alcohol, it is recognised that such use in itself may not affect a
parent’s capacity to look after their child well. Equally, parental drug and / or alcohol misuse can become
the central focus of the adult’s lives, feelings and social behaviour and therefore have a significant impact on
their capacity to parent appropriately.
1.6
When assessing a child’s needs, parental drug and / or alcohol use should only be a concern when it adversely
affects the quality of care that a child receives and consequently poses a risk to their health and
development, or has the potential to do so. The assessment is not to determine whether someone is
dependent on a substance but to establish the extent to which substance use is affecting parenting capacity.

It sounds to me as if you may be using drugs to self-medicate for your depression. Unfortunately (in my experience and opinion) that won't work - it will make the condition worse. Have you received any treatment for the depression or told your GP about it?

Here are a few links to sites that offer free advice and support for addiction. All seem to give importance to self-help - enabling you to re-take control of your life with the support of those facing similar issues:

http://www.recovery.org/about/
http://www.smartrecovery.org.uk/about/what-we-do
http://ukna.org/

There is no one strategy that suits everybody so have a read through and see if there is something there that may help you to turn a corner on this issue.

Any evidence that you are committed to dealing with the drug use will also inevitably help stave off any allegations made by your ex or others concerning your effectiveness as a parent.

Another thing I've learnt from experience is that Social services can be your firm ally as well as the opposite. Ask them for more support, ask them what they think are the areas in which you could do better and enlist their support - it's their job to help you in practical ways. For example, you could ask for help with home/school transport including a support worker at these times if this is extra stressful.

Don't let them throw you onto the defensive - you love your children and are doing your best. Everyone needs help from time to time and it's a strength to recognize that.

If your ex does escalate things to court you are likely to be eligible for legal aid, depending on your financial circumstances, as there are allegations of abuse.

For free legal advice: http://www.childrenslegalcentre.com/

We are also all here for you and will help to the best of our abilities :grouphug: xx

Crossed with Leclerc, who is spot on there x

[PAWS]

Re: urgent advice. child protection

Darling Sarah
No one on here will ever judge you and you can tell that from the wonderful posts above. You can also see that we actually give a **** and do not clang down the shutters when it comes to 5.00 on a Friday.
Right, first of all try not to see this as one great big problem. If you do you will assume you cannot fight your way through it. Take it one piece at a time. You are not the first person to be in this situation and many have succeeded without your advantages. Yep, I said advantages!
Now this is an awful situation and you are trying to fight an addiction and a custody battle. I know you said you would die for your kids and I understand what you mean by that but to prove how much you love them you have to live for them.
1^st of all let us look at the calibre of person you are. A high flyer at the age of 22. Started your own business and bought your own house. You know that is an incredible achievement and if you can do that you can do anything.
Now there is a conference coming up in two weeks and naturally you are panicking about that. Although I do not know exactly what that involves I do not get the impression that there will be any permanent or irreversible action taken. What I mean is your children are not about to drop off the face of the earth nor will you be forced to sign anything that would mean you could never see them again. Naturally you want your kids with you but if they have to stay with their dad for a while that does not mean you have lost. It does not mean that when all this has been resolved that you will not get them and your normal self back. By panicking about this conference you could wind up losing yourself and they could lose you for good.
OK so people have been saying you’re a bad mother and this, that and the other. It is hard but try and ignore that and do not, whatever you do, get into any sort of open slagging match with them. It will make you feel worse and naturally, as any of us would, you will ‘lose your cool’. This will just give them more ammunition to tear you apart. Your time to prove them wrong will come but only if you calm down now and play it cool. Just think for a second. If they are reporting you as being unfit the worst thing you can do is play into their hands by sinking down to their level and telling the social workers or whoever that they are lying cows. You know they are but the best way to beat them is prove them wrong.
Now, what is your relationship with your GP like? If it is ok then call his clinic and make a double appointment. If the receptionists asks you why, tell her it is a complex issue and you have been advised to book a double app. If you feel you cannot talk to your GP then ask to see a different doc at the same place or change surgeries. This is your right and if you get any gyp come back on here and I will do a fandango on someone. Tell them, completely honestly, about all your addictions either prescribed or otherwise. You can get plenty of back up from the many excellent organisations referred to above but start with your GP and remember they have heard worse!
This is as bad as it gets ok. It is not too late to turn this situation around. I get the impression you are still young. You are not terminally ill, your children are not terminally ill. Your best weapon is yourself. The self you were when you took on the world at 22. Get that person back because that was a powerful person and an unbeatable weapon. Then use that calm and controlled weapon to get your family life in order. It will be tough and you are intelligent enough to know it will be tough. When you can’t sleep come on here and either have a rant or take a ramble through the lamp post pages (oh you will find some really crazy stuff on there!) We will help but you are the one who can do it!

[sarah nicholson]

Re: urgent advice. child protection

I tried posting reply but it didn't let me for some reason. In response to your question, my daughter is 8 next month and my son is 5. They have never been harmed or neglected in my care. I am firm believer in providing a good diet and know a lot about nutrition. When malicious reports were made that the kids were starving and no food in the house. A spot check has been made on 3 separate occasions and have shown cupboards full, fridge with meat, veg , eggs etc all usual stuff one tries to provide. I frequently go without food so I can feed them properly and not fish fingers costing a pound, made of cardboard!

My daughter broke her arm twice. Once on her very first day at school and once when with her dad. I pay for them to do dancing each week as they love doing it and is good for them. My daughter was elected head of her house at school. I have attended every parent evening, every celebration assembly, sports days, school fetes, plays, cake sales, choir concert. Whereas their dad has attended one or 2 things. Yet he is being seen as the better, more able, less chaotic parent that because he has managed to get completely clean since about July last year. Social services have even said they would support him keeping the children and not returning them to me. Especially if he feels they could be in any risk of harm in my care.

He knows I would fight tooth and nail for them so he has said he will only do that with court order, as otherwise he wont let me ever see them again as he would fear I in turn would not return them. They will then be more harmed by eternal fighting over them. If they went to live with him, they would be sharing 1 bedroom. My daughter has single bed and my sin shares bed with his dad. Something I am not happy about. They would also have to go to breakfast club before school and after school club. Making their day incredibly long. He would not stop work to look after them. They have very unhealthy diet with no fruit or vegetables. They are not even made to brush teeth. I don't have car so I would hardly see them at all.

Gosh got to make cakes now for sons cake sale after school. I am not being sarcastic either! I really do!!

[PAWS]

Re: urgent advice. child protection

Did social services tell you that they would support him or is that something he told you they said? Also do you suspect that any of these reports of your neglect have come from neighbours or were they instigated by him?
Please be assured that you do not need to prove to any of us that you love your children. On the face of it you are a good mother but as you say he has recovered from his addictions and that is his trump card. As I said before I have no legal expertise or knowledge of how this system works but I am sure someone will come on line soon to give you advice however I really cannot believe that social services could say that he would be given permanent custody. If you were clear of any addictions then based on the information you gave there could be no contest as far as social services were concerned. I could not see a reason why you could not challenge any decision once you got yourself off all this stuff.
Just because a parent has an addiction does not mean they will neglect or abuse their children but that is not the way social services or the law view it. All addictions and the level of the addiction is lumped into one category. It is black and white to them. Even though we know the person who is addicted to pain killers has higher standards then someone who shoots up heroin in an alley they simply tick a box and metaphorically it is a bigger box then the one they tick when there is food in the fridge or excellent school attendance record. Kids break bones and get bruised when playing but all those boxes will be added to the fact that you have addictions.
You are an intelligent woman and I know this is breaking your heart but before you can fight your ex or social services you have to fight the addiction. If he can do it then surely you can as it looks like you are the stronger person. You have gone without food for them and as you say you would die for them but you know what you need to do to ensure you all have a secure and content future together. It is hard but it is not as hard as starving or driving yourself into an early grave.

[sarah nicholson]

Re: urgent advice. child protection

Thanks very much for your kind words and encouragement. I am amazed at the supportive messages that have come through and have lost track in terms of whom I have replied to etc.

I do have another whole can of worms regarding the social care system, breeching confidentiality etc. For example, the minutes from a meeting which detailed my background in some depth, was mis addressed and sent to a neighbour who was the village gossip and mother of my daughters classmate. She brought it round the following day and the envelope had clearly been opened. Within a day or two my group of friends and mums with young kids who I saw and socialised daily with (picnics, play dates, coffee mornings, pampered chef parties etc) stopped calling, tried not to engage in conversation with me and more distressing was invitations for my children for parties and play dates at the park, completely stopped. This had a huge negative effect on my depression, addiction , confidence and self worth.

Whilst my house was repossessed, I could have ridden the storm and kept the house, but life was so changed after this mistake of theirs, I no longer thought we could live there. I had been there for 10 years and it was next door to good school, with village green and good play park opposite the house. They had play room and their own bedrooms and a well established large woodland garden.

As you can see I am very bitter about this, especially since life has been so hard since then. But feel it unwise to rub them up the wrong way when our situation is so serious. Would love to know your thoughts. Anyone?

Thanks

[Kati]

Re: urgent advice. child protection

Personally, I feel a formal complaint about the breach of Data Protection is a must ... but I can understand your reluctance to 'rock the boat' :tinysmile_hmm_t2:
I know from when I had social services involvement complaints about their performance or professionalism can make it seem harder to work with them (for a while at least) but on the whole, the issues I had with one particular worker were sorted pretty quickly.
I also found that making a SAR request to the LA made a difference (although at £10, it's not cheap when you're struggling ) - and I was more 'informed' afterwards :tinysmile_grin_t:

All I can suggest is that you have a think about making a complaint over the weekend, in the knowledge that there is lots of support here for you.

K x