Pregnant never felt this down and worried

[Hollymarie24]

Hi everyone I'm new and really looking for some advice, Please if that's ok xx


I'm feeling so low and miserable and not sure where to turn next. A bit of back ground, I met my ex about 7 years ago and had our little girl 4 years later. during that pregnancy it turned out that he been cheating on m throughout. Understandably I was devastated and threw him out and eventually moved in with my parents for a while for support, about 6 months later I moved out and got myself and my daughter settled on my own, I had PND and took a turn for the worse and he became more supportive than ever and promised he would change I didn't believe him. But he was there for our daughter


In November he dropped her back after having her for the weekend as I was away working. He put them to bed and we ended up chatting and he promised he had changed this time I did believe him and he asked if we could give things another go, I wasn't 100% sure obviously because of what happened! we went out a few times over Xmas, my parents had our daughter they weren't happy understandably because of the way he treated me before but I assured them I thought he had changed and grown up a lot.


Anyway in January, I found out I was pregnant I was over the moon I thought this could be our second chance was so excited naively thinking everything would be ok, we could be a proper family again, when I told him he went ballistic telling me I need to get rid of it it wasn't the reaction I was expecting :'(. I told him I wasn't but he then got his mum involved (yes his mum) who I then had calling me every name under the sun demanding me to have an abortion I was devastated! I told him to do one! This was a few months ago now, he isn't ecstatic but has agreed he will support his kids! And his mum I haven't heard from since


How I could I be so stupid as to think he had changed I feel like an absolute tit! I feel so down as I already have issues at work (that's another story) but now the worry of him demanding me to get rid have gone away I'm starting to look forward to having another little girl and a sister for our daughter


My main concern now is that I'm a single mum and I'm pregnant- do I need to phone tax credits now to let them know I'm pregnant? What will they say or do because I'm having a baby with ******** of an ex, I'm so embarrassed to explain the situation to them and have them judge me when I already have taken a load of flack off family and friends.


I work 24 hours a week I claim a little wtc and obviously ctc for my older girl, we manage fine so stupidly I considered just not adding the new baby to the my claim I already have. For many reasons but main reason being is the obvious... I guess as I've read some right horror stories on here just before posting. I have no connection to him other than our daughter and this new baby.


I have absolutely no plans of getting back with him ever even if he was the last man on this earth especially after his recent antics regarding this baby . I'm genuinely gutted but also feel so bloody stupid!


Friends are telling me not to worry as they are more than aware there are all sorts of families, situations and that life isn't all that black and white, but I'm just an all round worrier about everything anyway!


I feel so down and stressed and have been signed off work with depression because of trouble there and this is just adding to it . I start counselling next Week so hoping to clear my head a little.


As previously stated I get working tax credit and child tax credit and also more recently because I was signed off with hyperemsis my wages dropped considerably I get small amount of housing benefit.


I completely understand they have to check these things and that's not an issue at all


Thankyou so much in advance

[Amethyst]

Re: Pregnant never felt this down and worried

Friends are telling me not to worry as they are more than aware there are all sorts of families, situations and that life isn't all that black and white

Your friends are right.

Tax Credits helpline are not there to judge you at all, and to be honest, they really don't care - they just check the circumstances are up to date and that you are claiming the right amounts. It is, basically, none of their business whose baby it is.

With another baby you will need to inform the council for your HB and Council Tax claims, and also Child Benefits.

Will you get maternity pay from work at all ?

One bit I'm not sure of from your post did your ex move back in with you for a while and join your tax credits/benefits claims at all ? That might complicate things a little bit although moving from a joint claim to a single claim is easier than the other way around.

Also is ex paying you child maintenance for your daughter ?

[Kati]

Re: Pregnant never felt this down and worried

Hi everyone I'm new and really looking for some advice, Please if that's ok xx

that's what we're here for hun :grouphug:

I'm feeling so low and miserable and not sure where to turn next. A bit of back ground, I met my ex about 7 years ago and had our little girl 4 years later. during that pregnancy it turned out that he been cheating on m throughout. Understandably I was devastated and threw him out and eventually moved in with my parents for a while for support, about 6 months later I moved out and got myself and my daughter settled on my own, I had PND and took a turn for the worse and he became more supportive than ever and promised he would change I didn't believe him. But he was there for our daughter


In November he dropped her back after having her for the weekend as I was away working. He put them to bed and we ended up chatting and he promised he had changed this time I did believe him and he asked if we could give things another go, I wasn't 100% sure obviously because of what happened! we went out a few times over Xmas, my parents had our daughter they weren't happy understandably because of the way he treated me before but I assured them I thought he had changed and grown up a lot.

totally understandable :nod: you have nothing to feel ashamed of here!!

Anyway in January, I found out I was pregnant I was over the moon I thought this could be our second chance was so excited naively thinking everything would be ok, we could be a proper family again, when I told him he went ballistic telling me I need to get rid of it it wasn't the reaction I was expecting :'(. I told him I wasn't but he then got his mum involved (yes his mum) who I then had calling me every name under the sun demanding me to have an abortion I was devastated! I told him to do one! This was a few months ago now, he isn't ecstatic but has agreed he will support his kids! And his mum I haven't heard from since

Good for you!! You should feel proud of yourself for standing up to the pair of them

How I could I be so stupid as to think he had changed I feel like an absolute tit! I feel so down as I already have issues at work (that's another story) but now the worry of him demanding me to get rid have gone away I'm starting to look forward to having another little girl and a sister for our daughter

Nothing stupid about it ... I'm sure many people have been in the same situation (myself included :sad and I think it's great that you came out the other side so well

My main concern now is that I'm a single mum and I'm pregnant- do I need to phone tax credits now to let them know I'm pregnant? What will they say or do because I'm having a baby with ******** of an ex, I'm so embarrassed to explain the situation to them and have them judge me when I already have taken a load of flack off family and friends.

I'd suggest that you phoned them up and told them of your 'change in circumstances' ... it won't affect your claim at the minute, but it will be easier on yourself if you let them know you're pregnant early. You do not have to tell them who the father is. They will not judge you in the slightest.

I work 24 hours a week I claim a little wtc and obviously ctc for my older girl, we manage fine so stupidly I considered just not adding the new baby to the my claim I already have. For many reasons but main reason being is the obvious... I guess as I've read some right horror stories on here just before posting. I have no connection to him other than our daughter and this new baby.

This I have to disagree with :sorry: - When this baby is born you will need all the extra 'help' you can get. CTC is there to support you, and (if you are entitled to claim) I believe that you should add your new baby to it as soon after the birth as you can :nod:

I have absolutely no plans of getting back with him ever even if he was the last man on this earth especially after his recent antics regarding this baby . I'm genuinely gutted but also feel so bloody stupid!

not stupid at all, I was in a relationship for many years where I stayed because of my children. I too believed that I was doing what was for the best and it took something drastic to make me realise that I'd been mistaken for so long.

Friends are telling me not to worry as they are more than aware there are all sorts of families, situations and that life isn't all that black and white, but I'm just an all round worrier about everything anyway!


I feel so down and stressed and have been signed off work with depression because of trouble there and this is just adding to it . I start counselling next Week so hoping to clear my head a little.

That will help you so much

As previously stated I get working tax credit and child tax credit and also more recently because I was signed off with hyperemsis my wages dropped considerably I get small amount of housing benefit.


I completely understand they have to check these things and that's not an issue at all


Thankyou so much in advance

see my replies above :tinysmile_twink_t2:

As I have already said hun, you have no reason at all to feel embarassed. Your actions have been (IMO) totally understandable, and you should be proud of yourself for coming through it! Feel free to come here for support and advice whenever you need ... I know there are lots of Beagles who will willingly help you (even if you just need a shoulder to cry on)

Good luck with the new baby

Kati xx

[Hollymarie24]

Re: Pregnant never felt this down and worried

Your friends are right.

Tax Credits helpline are not there to judge you at all, and to be honest, they really don't care - they just check the circumstances are up to date and that you are claiming the right amounts. It is, basically, none of their business whose baby it is.

With another baby you will need to inform the council for your HB and Council Tax claims, and also Child Benefits.

Will you get maternity pay from work at all ?

One bit I'm not sure of from your post did your ex move back in with you for a while and join your tax credits/benefits claims at all ? That might complicate things a little bit although moving from a joint claim to a single claim is easier than the other way around.

Also is ex paying you child maintenance for your daughter ?

Thankyou so much for your reply,

regarding work that's a whole different stressful issue I've been experiencing bullying from my store manager yet again! They were the same when pregnant with my eldest daughter, only reason I went back there after may leave was because the main culprit had left... Things got better until,they found out I was pregnant again . I've raised a grievance which I have meeting for on Friday morning but my GP has signed me off for stress until the situation is sorted as I was a mess :'(
so they are now telling me I won't qualify for matpay because I, off during the qualifying weeks but will qualify for maternity allowance.

sorry I should of been more clearer he hasn't lived here at all since we split and he gives me money for our daughter which I use to buy her clothes and any other bits she needs.., or when he doesn't he takes her out on the weekend and treats her then to any bits she needs. Despite him being a complete arse to me he looks after her as he should that's never been an issue x

[Hollymarie24]

Re: Pregnant never felt this down and worried

Thankyou so much for your lovely reply xx

i was so nervous of posting as I posted in another Internet forum last week and they completely and utterly ripped me to shreds... Talk about kick someone when their down :'(

i did did mention to tax credits that I was expecting when I completed my review as they ask if there's any changes so I mentioned it then, the man I spoke to was actually so nice (which was a big relief) he said that they don't need to know this now just when little one is born phone up then and let them know..... Which was a relief!
but I'd rather them of noted it down now, so when I do phone back I don't need to go through every detail again as it would of made it easier. As now im worried that when I do phone back when she's born that they stop my money altogether and send people round to interview me etc

fingers crossed it will be fine

Thankyou once again xx

[wales01man]

Re: Pregnant never felt this down and worried

No one will rip you to shreds on here they will do nothing but help the female LBers are very good and collectively offer the best advice around.
If you have any worries or problems get back to them and most important remember you and the children are themost important things there are

[Kati]

Re: Pregnant never felt this down and worried

Thankyou so much for your lovely reply xx

i was so nervous of posting as I posted in another Internet forum last week and they completely and utterly ripped me to shreds... Talk about kick someone when their down :'(

i did did mention to tax credits that I was expecting when I completed my review as they ask if there's any changes so I mentioned it then, the man I spoke to was actually so nice (which was a big relief) he said that they don't need to know this now just when little one is born phone up then and let them know..... Which was a relief!
but I'd rather them of noted it down now, so when I do phone back I don't need to go through every detail again as it would of made it easier. As now im worried that when I do phone back when she's born that they stop my money altogether and send people round to interview me etc

fingers crossed it will be fine

Thankyou once again xx

I get CTC too (3 children) ... my little girl was born 18mths ago and all I had to do was phone up and tell them she was born. They don't come out and interview you! I believe that when you register the birth, the registrar also sends off proof to the tax credits office if you want (they did with me anyway :lol

You'll find that we're a friendly bunch here on LB! No-one would ever put you down, and you'll get lots of help and support when you need it

[Amethyst]

Re: Pregnant never felt this down and worried

That is good to hear Men are funny creatures.

On the employment side -

• You must have worked for at least 26 weeks by the end of the qualifying week (i.e. by the end of the 15th week before the week the baby is due).
• You must still be in your job in the qualifying week (although it does not matter if you are off sick or on holiday during that week).
• You must have been paid at least the Lower Earning Limit (for mothers of babies born on or after April 2014, this is £111 per week) on average in the eight weeks (if you are paid weekly) or the two months (if you are paid monthly) up to the last payday before the end of the qualifying week.

and a tag for @stevemLS [MENTION=19071]teaboy2[/MENTION] ( not sure how up on mat pay you are but there's some greivance issue procedures as well )

[teaboy2]

Re: Pregnant never felt this down and worried

So long as you have been in continous employment for for 26 weeks up to the ‘qualifying week’ - the 15th week before the expected week of childbirth. Then your entitled to maternity pay in full.

Sick days/periods just like holiday leave count towards continuous employment period!

Therefore what your employer told you about you not being eligible for maternity pay is incorrect and likely connected to the bullying - Which by the way would seem to be nothing short of sexual discrimination.

At the grievance meeting - Point the above out to them and also say you deem the bullying to be nothing short of sexual harassment as it can not be coincidence that you are bullied or treated less fairly again as a result of being pregnant. Just like you were bullied previously the first time, as soon as you told work you were pregnant.

My advise to you would be to contact ACAS and also tell them about the previous bullying when you were pregnant with your first child as well as the bullying you are now being faced with!

[Hollymarie24]

Re: Pregnant never felt this down and worried

So long as you have been in continous employment for for 26 weeks up to the ‘qualifying week’ - the 15th week before the expected week of childbirth. Then your entitled to maternity pay in full.

Sick days/periods just like holiday leave count towards continuous employment period!

Therefore what your employer told you about you not being eligible for maternity pay is incorrect and likely connected to the bullying - Which by the way would seem to be nothing short of sexual discrimination.

At the grievance meeting - Point the above out to them and also say you deem the bullying to be nothing short of sexual harassment as it can not be coincidence that you are bullied or treated less fairly again as a result of being pregnant. Just like you were bullied previously the first time, as soon as you told work you were pregnant.

My advise to you would be to contact ACAS and also tell them about the previous bullying when you were pregnant with your first child as well as the bullying you are now being faced with!

Wow Thankyou so much! I wasn't paid any maternity leave from them during my first pregnancy either... I've worked there for 6 years in June! I had to claim maternity allowance for then also. Because again because of their bullying I was signed off with severe depression that time because it was just awful honestly I've had a year of councelling and I still feel so much resentment against them for it!

During my last pregnancy I was working the same amount also

[teaboy2]

Re: Pregnant never felt this down and worried

Wow Thankyou so much! I wasn't paid any maternity leave from them during my first pregnancy either... I've worked there for 6 years in June! I had to claim maternity allowance for then also. Because again because of their bullying I was signed off with severe depression that time because it was just awful honestly I've had a year of councelling and I still feel so much resentment against them for it!

During my last pregnancy I was working the same amount also

Ok you need to contact ACAS immediately and inform them of everything, as you should have been paid statutory maternity pay regardless of you being signed of sick. You will likely as a result of the potential of tribunal action being taken against the employer, now that ACAS will be involved, received back dated maternity pay for your first maternity leave period, to basically remedy the difference between what you got in maternity allowance and what you should have got on maternity pay - Though personally you may want to find alternative employment instead of working for people like your current employer (though go through with ACAS mediation etc regardless).

Don't worry about it going to tribunal, as the employer will likely shit their pants at the idea of facing a tribunal, and just pay up etc. Though think of a reasonable compensatory amount for the bullying and likely sexual discrimination you have endured for when it comes to making settlement offers, as to what you would be willing to accept from the employer as a settlement. Your job won't be at risk either, as if they took any action to your detriment effecting your job, then you'd have another claim against them.

[Amethyst]

Re: Pregnant never felt this down and worried

I concur, definitely call ACAS, they are really good - tell them everything about your employer and ask them to go through the dates and eligibility with you for your last pregancy, and this one, with you. I'd try and do that before your grievance meeting too if you can. Tell them about the bullying, discrimination and being signed off sick with depression and the counselling.... tell them everything basically.

Acas Helpline call 0300 123 1100

Statutory Maternity Pay (SMP)

Employees must:

• be on your payroll
• give you the correct notice
• give you proof they’re pregnant
• have worked for you continuously for at least 26 weeks up to the ‘qualifying week’ - the 15th week before the expected week of childbirth
• earn at least £112 a week (gross) in an 8-week ‘relevant period’

[Hollymarie24]

Re: Pregnant never felt this down and worried

Will it being in 2011 be to late to do anything regarding the money I'm owed from the first maternity leave x

[Amethyst]

Re: Pregnant never felt this down and worried

Need to work out IF you should have been entitled to it back then first - had you worked for 41 weeks before the birth ( 26 weeks before the 15th week before the baby was due) It might work out you weren't eligible last time if it was back in 2011 and you have been there 6 years now. Without having exact dates its tricky - sounds like it might be close.

Really worth arranging a call with ACAS as they will be able to go through it all with you and also give you some advice about your grievance meeting.

(ps. ACAS won't be judging you for anything either )

[Hollymarie24]

Re: Pregnant never felt this down and worried

Need to work out IF you should have been entitled to it back then first - had you worked for 41 weeks before the birth ( 26 weeks before the 15th week before the baby was due) It might work out you weren't eligible last time if it was back in 2011 and you have been there 6 years now. Without having exact dates its tricky - sounds like it might be close.

Really worth arranging a call with ACAS as they will be able to go through it all with you and also give you some advice about your grievance meeting.

(ps. ACAS won't be judging you for anything either )

Thankyou I've phoned acas before and they were very helpful, just literally this second got off the phone to them regarding this and she wasn't very helpful at all, just basically said I'd left it to late for the first pregnancy as I only have 3 months which I had heard previously but regarding this time round and Fridays meeting she just said ask for a copy of your employee handbook.

x