Enaid and her son

[enaid]

Ok folks I have had this T Shirt and wore it well three times before.
You may or may not know that my son, whom I do love by the way, but hate also has once again plummeted into debt he can not cope with. I say he can not cope with, but I really do not think he gives a **** TBH. Well I can not live like that, as he lives with us I can not put up with the bloody myther.
I was sat here when he phoned all his CC creditors and explained he had lost his job and would have trouble meeting the payments.
Since that day they or at least one of them has phoned everyday, the others less frequently , but enough to totally get on my nerves.
I was going to take out a loan for the second time to bail him out, but I knew deep down this was not the right thing. After speaking to a couple of friends on here they confirmed this and I have helped him to go into a DMP, well I hope so we have set the ball rolling anyway.
Can't thank the people who had input enough, I trust their advice and opinions 100%.
So although I am the happy joker, who won't shut up and must get on yer nerves sometimes, I too have my ups and downs. I can only bloody cope with them though cause i have you lot here. Thanks Enaid xx

[Nattie]

Re: Enaid and her son

Enaid, sometimes you need to push him and I think what others have said to you about not bailing him out, may seem harsh at first but is the ONLY way for him to sit up and stand on his own two feet(ok I know you cannot sit and stand at the same time!!).
Enaid, hopefully he will this time realise that you will be there to help but not to bail him out. We are still here if he needs help to reclaim credit card charges back or help with debts.

[enaid]

Re: Enaid and her son

Thanks Nattie it means a lot you replied and are concerned, thanks again enaid xxx

[Paule]

Re: Enaid and her son

On a another note, i would draft up a letter to all his creditors stating that you are entering a DMP with CCCS and that CCCS will contact them shortly to arrange payments with regards to the outstanding balances.
Therefore please stop all phone calls as all future correspondance to be in writing, and once the DMP is set up all correspondance to be sent to CCCS,

Just edit one of the telephone harrasment letters or give us a shout if you want any help with it
.

PKea

[enaid]

Re: Enaid and her son

Yep then i have it in writing always a good idea thanks PK again xx

[scottishlass]

Re: Enaid and her son

Hi Enaid,

Know how you feel,I am in the same position with my daughter,she came home after having her own place for a couple of years,granted I do think she was too young,but what can you do,she was in an abusive relationship,which I found out later,after I had an early morning call,to take her to hospital,she had a broken shoulder,very bad, broken in 3 places,she had been like that all night.
Anyway got her home,handed back her house to the council,then the fun began,when I realised she hadn't opened any mail for months,all in carrier bags,so have made a start and am helping her,reclaim any charges she has encurred,then setting up a payment plan for her to follow. It's all I can do as we have in the past helped financially,but she has to learn,we just can't keep bailing her out.
I know it seems harsh,but it's the best way (so I keep having to telling myself anyway) But she is trying very hard has now got two jobs one full time and one part time to help clear her feet.

SL

[Tools]

Re: Enaid and her son

Enaid ,

We talked a little about this in the chatroom earlier and I mentioned that you are not alone . I hope this little story from my own little world will help put your mind at ease that you have made the right decision by not taking out a loan to bail him out. I haven`t shared this with many people in the past , but I feel by putting it on here it may help yourself and others.

Its a long story so here goes..........

My brother in law is the same age as me give or take a few weeks and ever since the age of 17 started on the downward debt spiral. His parents took out a loan to buy him a car when he passed his driving test they could afford it so no problems there. When he started working , with me , he then took out a loan himself to buy a better (more `streetcred`) car. While he was working this wasn`t a problem. A chain of events ,that I won`t go into ,led him to be caught drink driving and lose his job. He could no longer afford to repay the finance on his car so his Mum and Dad bailed him out.

In the few years that followed he went from job to job ,either leaving or getting the sack . He continued to drive cars , even though he was banned and was eventually caught and fined. Again thsi led to his Parents bailing him out once again and never really having an effect on him as it did not put im in hardship.

His Father died and left the house in name to him and his sister (now my wife Lisa) allowing their Mum to stay in the house as condition of the will until such time as she passed away.

Since then he barely worked ,using the excuse that no one would employ him because of his drink driving conviction and lack of transport to get to work. During this time he got had kids and got married , and started to make a home , albeit a council rented flat. He started taking `Provi` loans and again racking up debt . Once again his Mum bailed him out.

When he got back his driving license he managed to get credit using his Mum as guarantor , she had no idea what she was signing for . This continued with loan after loan (Black Horse,HFC ,Argos,Mail Order Cataloguesetc etc) each time using his Mum as guarantor . He borrowed money from her too and eventually put her into debt herself. Credit cards that she had , she allowed him to draw cash from , in bundles of £200 / £300 a time, unaware he was doing this at times too. Until over a period of 6 months he had `maxed out` the card on cash withdrawals with nothing of real value to show for it.

It got to a point where jointly they were being chased for around £30K in debt and unable to repay. The only real option left was to sell the house and move into a much smaller property. Now as the house was in his and his sisters name, it meant her agreeing to the sale too. This was the house they had been born and raised in ,it was also a nest egg for Lisa and her brother so it was a hard decision for her to make.This caused terrible arguements between all involved , including me, and eventually she agreed for her Mums sake.

Their debts (and a few of ours too) were cleared from the proceeds and the MIL moved into a smaller property .Now here is the killer..........

He has again run up debts , still borrows from his mother and has again started the whole chain of events again. We have tried to get this through to her Mum but as it`s her `darling son` who can do no wrong she does not listen. Whilever he is getting bailed out he will never learn , he needs to be responsible for his own actions .

I WILL NOT ALLOW LISA TO BE FORCED INTO THIS AGIN BY SELLING THAT HOUSE .

Enaid , or anyone else reading that is in a similar situation, please take note from this. I know the personal circumstances may be different , but the reasoning is the same . Unless it is a matter of life or death they have to stand on their own two feet ,with a rather large kick up the **** in the general direction, no matter how much you love them.

Hope this has helped Enaid, sorry its such a long post.

Jules
xxxxx

[enaid]

Re: Enaid and her son

I can only say thanks again and again say always someone worse off than you, although you don't think so at the time.
I am though beginning to think that this debt thing with some people is some kind of illness.
It is not always for material things that the money goes, a lot can't be accounted for. I know that sounds daft but it's true, in my sons case anyway.
He can go in the paper shop for instance, but can't come out with just a paper he went for he would need to buy something else.
You may think I am trying to make excuses for him once more, but really I'm not. I have thought about this for a long time that there is something that urges him to spend.
A girl I worked with was the same, she racked up £35K in debt, I couldn't believe it when she told me, she is now on IVA. I asked her what she had spent that money on, she couldn't explain much more than clothes, going out and up to the minute mobile phones.
She lived with her mum so although she paid her way, she had no where near the true cost of living and had a full time job with not bad pay.
I still blame the lenders partially though, they should not make it so easy for people like my son and others to get their hands on instant credit. This though I think is being addressed by some of them, but needs to be across the board and irresponsible lending stopped.
Thanks again all of you Enaid x

[scottishlass]

Re: Enaid and her son

Hi Enaid,

Hope you are feeling better today,in the case of my daughter she did try to get help from various places but she wasn't in enough debt,in hindsight it is probably better that we do it ourselves anyway,well in her case that is.
Her debts were mainly rent arrears and council tax arrears,her ex was meant to be paying half of everything,but I have since found out he only paid when he felt like it,it was making her ill having to ask him for the money,as he always made her feel like she was only interested in the money,as if,she was working two jobs then as well,he was very good at mental abuse,and she became very depressed.He also got her to get a BT line so he could get sky tv,all of which he was meant to pay for but didn't.Hopefully she won'tget herself into that situation again,I am just glad we have got her out of it when we did.
It has taken her a long time to get over this, her debt problems are reducing,and the scars are healing. It's good to have her back to her old self once more.

Enaid I am sure you will get through this also,and being able to talk about it helps.

Hi Tools,

This must be a very difficult situation you are in,if your MIL won't listen, I am sure it must be having an effect on her health also. As you say he won't stop running up these debts if he is getting bailed out each time.
I hope you can get her to see sense on this, he has got to learn.

SL

[WendyB]

Re: Enaid and her son

Well Enaid, I just spent ages typing up a reply to this thread, all thoughful and so on, along the lines of the previous posters, took me ages to get the wording right -THEN WHEN I PRESSED POST IT KICKED ME OUT!!!!!!! So I'm afraid you'll just have to make do with this - you are doing the right thing, you can't bail him out forever, and now there's a DMP etc at least the ball is rolling and there's light at the end of the tunnel, for you as well as him.

Tools, I can see exactly where you're coming from, seems there's always a favourite who can do no wrong. Just stick with it, stick to your guns, and give him the boot up the bum he deserves - whats he going to do once the bailier-out has no funds left to help him out? Or isn't there at all? All the best to you and Lisa

Wendy xx

[Sapphire]

Re: Enaid and her son

Di, we have talked about this and as you know we have been in the same position too hun. All I can say is don't bail him out again, he needs to learn a very harsh lesson, it will be hard for you as well but well worth it in the end.

Right here's what happened to us: Its long - sorry !!!!!

When I met Les 8 years ago, I owned my own house so when we decided to live together both homes were sold and we bought together. Les' old business was doing quite well and I had quite a good job so money etc was fine.
Les has a Son, married 2 children and a daughter divorced, 3 older children.
After a year or so we decided to 'buy' Les' 2 children their houses and we paid the mortgages for them both, hopefully to give them both a 'leg up' in the world. Luckily we kept the 2 houses in our names so they couldn't be taken away etc. I also own in my own right 2 other houses that my mother and my uncle both live in.
The son and wife ran up horrendous debts and yes we bailed them out, they didn't even pay their household bills, so we got everything 'up to date' for them.
The daughter did the same and more, she pawned everything in sight, ran up 'provi' loans etc etc, yes we bailed her out and got her up to date. Then her son (les' grandson) was killed 2 days before his 18th birthday, so here we are he's not insured and we paid for the funeral, Les told her to have what she wanted, believe me she did that and it cost an absolute fortune. At the wake people gave her envelopes stuffed with cash a cheques to 'help out'. Did she give them to her dad, did she hell, the money was spent on booze, fags and got knows what else.
In the meantime we found out that Les' ex business partner and his wife had been taking out more than their fair share in the business so that all folded and the partnership disolved, and a 'friendship' lost.

The upshot of this is:

We are now in the proceeds of building up our new business (2 years old now), we are in pretty bad debt but are climing out slowly, we wouldn't have been in such debt if we hadn't 'helped' the kids out as much as we did, and would be a lot more comfortable off.

The son and daughter are both in debt again and are both a Debt Management Plan and they have to pay rent to cover the mortgages now as well.

Although we love them dearly we will never, ever help them again and believe me we get asked regularly. Its hard saying no, but it has to be done.

[Tempty]

Re: Enaid and her son

I can only imagine the pain of seeing your loved ones get into trouble and yet remain strong enough to know that not helping them IS helping them.

Enaid, tools, sapphy and in fact all that have posted similar stories ... i have nothing but admiration for you all. I hope in years to come if faced with the same situation that i can be as strong... Although i have a feeling with the help and support i have found here i would find a way

[Sapphire]

Re: Enaid and her son

Hows it going Di ? Anything to report, any updates ? Does your son realise that this time you are serious ?

[enaid]

Re: Enaid and her son

Well sappy nothing has come from the DMP place as yet.
Sky card have been on the phone a lot, they rang in fact this morning and it has already been sent to collections he has only missed one bloody payment. He rang and told them he was going to have difficulties paying too, like it says to do on the invoices.
Anyway I'll just keep fobbing them off till the info comes through and then let them take over.
Thanks for asking and I will keep up and informed on all developments Enaid xx

[Sapphire]

Re: Enaid and her son

Good Luck with it all hun, don't forget you can stop the phone calls, take a look here How to stop Debt Collection Phone Calls - Legal Beagles there's letters etc to help stop the call.
PMSL I had a call this morning from HFC Bank and I had great fun telling the woman that she has now broken the law and her company will now be reported and most definately will be fined, and how does she think her bosses will react when they realise it was her fault. Sometimes I just feel so naughty msl: