Separated parents

[Jtierney]

Wanting to know at what age does the child have to be before seperated parents no longer have to communicate with each other. The parent not living with the child can communicate direct with the child.

[Peridot]

Re: Separated parents

I don't believe there is any hard and fast rule on this. Obviously 18 is the age of maturity, however when dealing with people younger than 18 it is very much about the welfare of the child and what is appropriate for that child bearing in mind their age, maturity and the surrounding circumstances.
The issue you have with contacting your child directly to make arrangements for contact is that this also puts them into a very difficult position.
Children are generally loyal to both parents but it of course difficult when you live with one and have arranged contact with the other. They often say things to please but can also be very manipulative. Routine is good.
There are also logistical considerations such as can the child make the arrangements themselves, when they often don't even compute what things are happening day to day, whether there are appointments, sport fixtures and school diaries, kids parties etc. Whilst a child is living at home until they start making their own arrangements to visit friends for example, I think logistically it would be a bit of a minefield to attempt making arrangements directly with the child. Just on a practical level, what food needs to be in the house and herding kids to the various engagements they have is a nightmare.
What would happen if little Johnny was invited to a friends party he had forgotten about, would arrangements be able to be changed easily without a big fall out or changing whole weekends?

I assume you ask as the other parent is trying to prevent contact? How old is the child?
Unfortunately so many of these situations end up being about the parents issues and we have to try and be the adults which is so difficult when you are dealing with other adults who are being completely unreasonable. Children can often use the contact issue to get one over on the parent too, whether to make them feel guilty or to get something they want by saying the right things.

Is there not currently a contact arrangement between you and the other parent? What has changed if there is?
At the end of the day if the child is older (teenager), they will make their own decisions and vote with their feet but for the children who think they know what they want but are not old enough to do anything about it, it is a really difficult path to navigate.
I would say a child who is not into their teens it may not be appropriate it make arrangements with the child directly. As I say above you won't know what other arrangements there are for the week in the household and it could cause more issues, if the argument is that little Johnny asked to have contact regardless of any other arrangements he may not have known about may not be the best option.

Really hard if one of the parents is not being reasonable which I suspect has prompted this question, but if at all possible you have to be the grown ups and try and reach agreement. If this is impossible then maybe mediation would assist and as a last resort, an application to the Courts for a Contact Order.

As an aside, I assume you are on the birth certificate so have parental responsibility for your child? If so you are perfectly entitled to contact their school for example and obtain copies of reports etc if you are not seeing these? Schools are getting better at contacting both parents where the request is made so at least you both hear of parents meetings etc and provided there are no circumstances that would prevent this from happening.

[Jtierney]

Re: Separated parents

Hi. Many thanks for reply.
I was asking on behalf of my partner as he has a 12 year old son who lives with his mother. She at times can be very difficult. My partner pays for his son. In fact a third of his wages goes towards his son. What the CSA. Says he has to pay plus a lot extra for his sons activities he does. Plus gives her extra cash. She did take him to court 8 years ago wanting full custody. But he was granted week ends. Which she soon put a stop to. Now all she goes on about is he never does anything for his son. Never sees him. Where he does every other Saturday sometimes on a Sunday and 2 times in the week when he takes him to football practice. My partner is wanting not to have any contact with her and would like to just arrange things with his son. But he know she goes through the sons phone. I myself had a confrontation with her as she accused me of something. She got very verbose,shouting and pushed me in front of her son. Even man handled him. The main reason why my partner does not want to have any contact with her as she sends nasty texts to him so he would prefer to go straight to his son.

[Peridot]

Re: Separated parents

It is a really difficult situation and one that happens too often unfortunately. Your partner's son is so close to being of an age he will make his own arrangements, but I'm not sure that time is now, bearing in mind the obviously busy schedule he has!
Did your partner wish to reinstate the weekend contact? Maybe that would be the best option. He does weekends and takes his son to whatever activities or parties he has that weekend? Or did he want to try and change the arrangement from the original order (which has evidently happened anyway, but just checking whether this was what he agreed to?).

I would suggest maybe trying mediation, it is not right that his son witnesses the nastiness and I'm afraid you and your partner need to try and be the bigger people. You also need to remember that CSA or child maintenance payments are completely separate from contact. Just because you pay for your child which is correct, doesn't mean that you get to see them and vice versa.

I think maybe your partner needs to think about exactly what contact he would like and then propose this. If he is receiving abusive texts and has asked her to stop this is a matter for the police if she doesn't stop, together with any assault or harassment type issues. But do think of the effect this would have on his son and whether there may be another way forward with this? This needs to be about what is best for his son and trying to keep things on an even keel for him.

I have step sons and there have been some very difficult situations and we've had to suck it up sometimes and not see them for a while. Now they are older they probably see more of us than their mother. It is just such a long time in the coming when they are young!

He is nearly at the point of making his own decisions and as I mentioned previously, voting with his feet! Just remember he does live with his mother who will have significant influence over him, but he can see that things can be dealt with differently, with his dad and you. We have to trust they work things out for themselves.

In the meantime, if they can't make arrangements for contact and they are not willing to mediate or go to Court, then maybe dad needs to keep reinforcing that his son can contact him anytime if he wants to chat. Maybe even send the odd postcard if contact has been cancelled just saying hi. Nothing inflammatory of course.

It is so hard but you will all get there one day.

[Jtierney]

Re: Separated parents

My partner does want to reinstate the week end contact. But we think his mother has been saying things to him. As his son seems to think he is going to be taken away for good and begs not to be taken away. He does not want to involve police on certain issues as does not want his son seeing that he has called them on his mum. Does he have to go back to court to make sure the original order is kept to.

[Peridot]

Re: Separated parents

I would suggest he warns mum first and says he wants to enforce the order. I would also suggest he needs to reassure his son he has no intention of taking him away from mum's permanently.
Is there another reason son doesn't want to be there the weekends? Will he be further from his mates or is there not a playstation at dad's or some other tech he has elsewhere? Just trying to think outside the box a bit.
He maybe needs to reassure mum that he isn't wanting to take son away either just to get the contact back on an even keel.
It may be he needs to be a bit movable, maybe alternate weekends and the other week he does the club runs or something?
See how it goes and even suggest mediation to reach agreement. Yes he could go back to court to enforce the order but he would have a lot of explaining why he had allowed the breach in the first place and why it is so important now to re-enforce it.
His son whether in his own mind or through someone else's influence is obviously worried about doing every weekend. Maybe before thinking about enforcing orders it would be better to have a chat with him and see what he wants to do?

[Jtierney]

Re: Separated parents

Yes will suggest to him about saying to her that he will be reinforcing the court order. He has said to his son he's not taking him away but does not help when he picks him up the mother says " Goodbye. But don't worry I'll be here when you get back " and she has other lines she comes out with. We have Xbox one. PlayStation and only 25 minuets from his house. But it is my partner that does all the football club runs every week because the mum does not want to do them. If at times she has to she will make a big deal out of it or ask him if there is another parent going who can take his son. I do not know why he let the order lapse as was not with him at the time. He just says that one weekend she decided not to let him have his son. Him not wanting a scene just let it go as he was still able to have him in the days. But just lately that is getting less

[Peridot]

Re: Separated parents

It is so difficult for you both, all you no doubt want is for dad and you to have a regular calm relationship with his son.
I would start keeping a diary, noting comments, cancellations and any issues his son raises. At his age the Courts may also ask what he would like to happen, which when dealing with a parent who is obviously having a big influence and 'poking' all the time is really difficult to find out exactly what he would like to happen. If it became necessary though there are experts who would talk to your son alone and who are well versed in these types of situation. Unfortunately rarely is everyone happy with the outcome and that will of course impact on his son.
A bit of an outside chance from what you have said, but it may be worth looking at family mediation which could allay mum's fears, even if they do appear irrational or just plan difficult. Mum, your partner and the son would be involved in this. Just another options. It is different from the mediation that they would be expected to attend before going to Court where just mum and your partner would be involved.
His son is the most important person and if he can manage to keep the lines of communication open with him they will always have a relationship , but it is so hard for all of you and heart breaking when you are in the situation.
Here for support if it helps.

[Jtierney]

Re: Separated parents

Thank you for all this information will show my partner when he is home from work.
But he has been texting his son for past 3 days now with no reply, which is out of character so we assume his mum has taken the phone. But there is a football run to be done tomorrow. We booked a holiday asking his son before we booked if he wanted to come. He said yes in fact was looking forward to it. He asked the mum 3 weeks ago if she was going away with his son. Her answer was no. So told her the dates we have booked. Then 5 days later she texts saying she has booked 4 days away so the son cannot come with us. After knowing we has booked and paid for him. She did this last year as well

[Peridot]

Re: Separated parents

So unfair. I don't mean to be nosey but is your relationship quite new? I wonder whether this is why she is kicking off more recently. My hubbie had major issues with his ex when we met even though she had already married for the second time when we got together. It was awful for several years. If she wanted to be nasty she would just stop contact. She'd then need a weekend off and suddenly they would be back with us.
Having said that they are both now in their 20's and although I wouldn't describe us a close they see more of us then their mother.
Have faith his son will work things out in his own time. Horrible to witness and you end up in the middle taking on a difficult situation anyway, that is made even more difficult and upsetting as one party can't be civilised.
All you can be is there if needed unfortunately. I bet his son is disappointed he can't go away with you now.
Keep those communication lines open and be as involved as you can be. It is good he gets to do the footie practice runs with him. At least it means he does see him even if only for a short period each week.

[Jtierney]

Re: Separated parents

Relationship is 2 years old. But apparently she has always been this way. Even with partner he had not long they split. She was like this before she knew we were together.

[Peridot]

Re: Separated parents

Was just wondering.
See what your partner thinks but it may also be worth getting a free half hour or reduced fee appointment with a family lawyer who specialises in child contact issues. Just to look at the possible options and potential outcomes of each.
His son is at a really difficult age as his views are becoming more and more important but he obviously has a constant stream directed at him from mum which must be difficult for him.
At least dad does see him weekly if for the short period.

[Jtierney]

Re: Separated parents

He does have a friend who is a family lawyer and has mentioned having a word with as has helped out in past

[Peridot]

Re: Separated parents

Probably sensible and may also be cheaper than approaching a firm at this stage.

[Jtierney]

Re: Separated parents

Thank you for all the help and information. Will be discussing with partner