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Please can I ask for an anonymous post as I believe there are people in this group who may know one, or both sides of the family and I would like to remove the personal feelings from the situation. This is a bit of a long one, so I apologise, but I am looking for perspectives that I may not yet have considered. Please try to remain constructive as it's an emotive situation.
Aside from going down the family mediation and legal route, I am looking for perspectives please from parents and step-parents on if there is anything else that I can/should do in relation to my circumstances with my child. I apologise for the vagueness in descriptions. It feels right to do it this way.
My child is the oldest in year 5 and has continued to work at above the national average. This is despite lockdown and being in the largest school class size allowed in the UK, which my child finds very distracting due to other children requiring more focus and attention and often others can be disruptive. Please don’t read anything into these comments. These are just what gets fed back to me. My child gets overlooked and left to get on with it. As a parent, I truly feel very well supported by the school though and always have. It's just a shame my child doesn’t feel invested in.
The issue I have relates to our circumstances. My child's father and I went our separate ways over 5 years ago, and I have since married a fantastic guy who dotes on us and has 4 grown up children of his own. My child is very happy here and they love their stepdad and step family to bits.
4 years ago, when I chose to move an hour away from my original location, to be with my (now) husband, I was open and honest with my child's father, but in a knee-jerk reaction, he bypassed family mediation and took me straight to court to try and obtain custody and to try to stop my child's school change, with a pack of at least 14 lies. Thankfully, after 3 court dates and me having to provide medical evidence to refute his lies, court agreed that our child should remain in my primary custody, aside from a strange weekend custody pattern. My child has flourished since the move, with playdates both in the new and old location. I have worked hard to make that happen. My child's father refuses to let them attend friends birthday parties in his custody time and always has. My child is intelligent, bright and cheery and kind. School love this and all Teachers are grateful every time a cheery hello is thrown their way.
The current situation is that we need to move house for many reasons, mainly family health, to support them, but also to find a home that we want to eventually retire in. It's also to remove us from ever increasing anti-social behaviour in this area and other things. We both work from home so work is not an issue. Having spoken to the current school, they say year 5 is better to move schools in, so my child is settled before year 6 SAT's and secondary school selection. With this in mind, I sat down with my child's father and explained our situation. I explained that we are not certain a school change is on the cards, but we will know more when we choose the right home. I explained that I am involving him from the off, so that he can consider the situation, but that ultimately, whilst I am doing huge amounts of due diligence in searching for the right home location and right school to move to, I will ensure he is involved in things like school visits and input, but ultimately, our child's primary care location remains with us. If a school move is needed, due to new home location, am looking for a school that has a smaller class size and a good/outstanding Ofsted school, where we can give stable introductions and allow our child (who makes friends very easily with no social anxiety as yet – a complete and happy chatterbox).
I have explained that we can sit down and talk with our child together if he prefers, as our child has never waivered in 4 years as to what they want (to stay with us) and their Dad is never willing to acknowledge this. He also refuses to acknowledge my child's step-dad's involvement in their life. In truth, ultimately my child's Dad is motivated by money. He complains about fuel costs of collecting his child and used to expect money from me to do collect from school, until court told him he had to do his bit. He wasn’t financially contributing in the slightest from birth to our child until our split forced him to buy clothes for his custody times. He also knows that if he were to somehow obtain custody, he would be entitled to child maintenance from me. This is what drove his initial court battle. I am trying to avoid court by looking for alternative ways to communicate with him, without dragging our child into the middle of this. I want our child to be happy. Our child wants to stay with us and has said they are fine with a school move. Our child talks online to their close friends and their best friend is also moving schools before too long. I should add that my child's Dad has moved 4 times since we split and had 1 failed relationship that wasn’t great for our child. Their Dad has also never tried to move closer in this time. He still lives an hour away, and a couple of miles further away now since his 4th move.
My questions to this group are: Aside from mediation, court etc, what else can I be suggesting to get this turmoil settled without court? What is in my child's best interests other than to involve them in the decision making process, but without making them feel like they are stuck in the middle of a conflict? I normally always treat my child like an adult in letting their voice be heard. I have always been open and honest. My child has made it very clear to me for the last 4 years that they do not want to live with their Dad for school term times, but their Dad is not willing to accept this. After a 35 minute conversation with me last night, he went straight back into his house and said to our child 'Me and you will sit down with your Mum on Friday and you can tell her where you want to go to Secondary school. That wasn't anywhere near what we had been discussing. He has apparently also offered our child their own gaming PC if they choose to change their primary custody to with him. I have tried to explain that the fact of who remains their school primary carer wasn’t up for discussion, but that I was trying to involve him in in relation to schooling. I am there for the emotional, social and physical needs for our child. He is not motivated by the same things and continues to put himself first in his decisions. What else can I try before family mediation please?
Our child is female, as am I. I left this to the bottom to explain as her father called me sexist for saying that I am supporting all her conversations and questions around her puberty - the really in depth conversations I mean, as we have an open and honest situation. I have always been this way with her. He is painfully introverted, so I know he would not be able to answer these questions in the same way.
Aside from going down the family mediation and legal route, I am looking for perspectives please from parents and step-parents on if there is anything else that I can/should do in relation to my circumstances with my child. I apologise for the vagueness in descriptions. It feels right to do it this way.
My child is the oldest in year 5 and has continued to work at above the national average. This is despite lockdown and being in the largest school class size allowed in the UK, which my child finds very distracting due to other children requiring more focus and attention and often others can be disruptive. Please don’t read anything into these comments. These are just what gets fed back to me. My child gets overlooked and left to get on with it. As a parent, I truly feel very well supported by the school though and always have. It's just a shame my child doesn’t feel invested in.
The issue I have relates to our circumstances. My child's father and I went our separate ways over 5 years ago, and I have since married a fantastic guy who dotes on us and has 4 grown up children of his own. My child is very happy here and they love their stepdad and step family to bits.
4 years ago, when I chose to move an hour away from my original location, to be with my (now) husband, I was open and honest with my child's father, but in a knee-jerk reaction, he bypassed family mediation and took me straight to court to try and obtain custody and to try to stop my child's school change, with a pack of at least 14 lies. Thankfully, after 3 court dates and me having to provide medical evidence to refute his lies, court agreed that our child should remain in my primary custody, aside from a strange weekend custody pattern. My child has flourished since the move, with playdates both in the new and old location. I have worked hard to make that happen. My child's father refuses to let them attend friends birthday parties in his custody time and always has. My child is intelligent, bright and cheery and kind. School love this and all Teachers are grateful every time a cheery hello is thrown their way.
The current situation is that we need to move house for many reasons, mainly family health, to support them, but also to find a home that we want to eventually retire in. It's also to remove us from ever increasing anti-social behaviour in this area and other things. We both work from home so work is not an issue. Having spoken to the current school, they say year 5 is better to move schools in, so my child is settled before year 6 SAT's and secondary school selection. With this in mind, I sat down with my child's father and explained our situation. I explained that we are not certain a school change is on the cards, but we will know more when we choose the right home. I explained that I am involving him from the off, so that he can consider the situation, but that ultimately, whilst I am doing huge amounts of due diligence in searching for the right home location and right school to move to, I will ensure he is involved in things like school visits and input, but ultimately, our child's primary care location remains with us. If a school move is needed, due to new home location, am looking for a school that has a smaller class size and a good/outstanding Ofsted school, where we can give stable introductions and allow our child (who makes friends very easily with no social anxiety as yet – a complete and happy chatterbox).
I have explained that we can sit down and talk with our child together if he prefers, as our child has never waivered in 4 years as to what they want (to stay with us) and their Dad is never willing to acknowledge this. He also refuses to acknowledge my child's step-dad's involvement in their life. In truth, ultimately my child's Dad is motivated by money. He complains about fuel costs of collecting his child and used to expect money from me to do collect from school, until court told him he had to do his bit. He wasn’t financially contributing in the slightest from birth to our child until our split forced him to buy clothes for his custody times. He also knows that if he were to somehow obtain custody, he would be entitled to child maintenance from me. This is what drove his initial court battle. I am trying to avoid court by looking for alternative ways to communicate with him, without dragging our child into the middle of this. I want our child to be happy. Our child wants to stay with us and has said they are fine with a school move. Our child talks online to their close friends and their best friend is also moving schools before too long. I should add that my child's Dad has moved 4 times since we split and had 1 failed relationship that wasn’t great for our child. Their Dad has also never tried to move closer in this time. He still lives an hour away, and a couple of miles further away now since his 4th move.
My questions to this group are: Aside from mediation, court etc, what else can I be suggesting to get this turmoil settled without court? What is in my child's best interests other than to involve them in the decision making process, but without making them feel like they are stuck in the middle of a conflict? I normally always treat my child like an adult in letting their voice be heard. I have always been open and honest. My child has made it very clear to me for the last 4 years that they do not want to live with their Dad for school term times, but their Dad is not willing to accept this. After a 35 minute conversation with me last night, he went straight back into his house and said to our child 'Me and you will sit down with your Mum on Friday and you can tell her where you want to go to Secondary school. That wasn't anywhere near what we had been discussing. He has apparently also offered our child their own gaming PC if they choose to change their primary custody to with him. I have tried to explain that the fact of who remains their school primary carer wasn’t up for discussion, but that I was trying to involve him in in relation to schooling. I am there for the emotional, social and physical needs for our child. He is not motivated by the same things and continues to put himself first in his decisions. What else can I try before family mediation please?
Our child is female, as am I. I left this to the bottom to explain as her father called me sexist for saying that I am supporting all her conversations and questions around her puberty - the really in depth conversations I mean, as we have an open and honest situation. I have always been this way with her. He is painfully introverted, so I know he would not be able to answer these questions in the same way.
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