Missing my nephew

[Auntybecca]

Hello, was basically looking a bit of advice in regards to getting to see my nephew again. My sister was knocked down and killed last April, she had 2 kids, a girl and a boy. Her daughter came to live with my mum and dad after she died and they now have custody. My nephew stayed with his dad (my niece is not his biological daughter) . Since my sister has died he hasn't let any of us see my nephew, even when we bump into them while weir out and about they call my nephew away from us which is really painful. He misses his sister and she misses him and the only time they get to see each other is in school. To go from spending every minute of their day together to this, it just isn't good enough. It's been very hard since I lost my sister never mind having to deal with not seeing my nephew. My mum and dad have gone to a solicitor to try and get us access but I keep hearing horror stories of things not going to plan or being turned down. His dad is already starting to brainwash him and getting him to tell his sister that he hates us and her (she's 9 years old) I know they r going to use dirty tactics if it does go to court they have also ignored the first solicitors letter, any help or advice from any grandparents who have been to court to see their grandchildren

[charitynjw]

Hi AuntyBecca & welcome

What an awful predicament.

I can't pretend to know much about such matters but i'll give Amethyst & Peridot a nudge for you.

[Peridot]

Hi AuntyBecca,

A really tough situation for you all, particularly your niece, who must be missing her brother terribly. How old is your nephew? The grandparents can apply to the Court for leave to obtain a child arrangement order to deal with contact which it seems they have worked out already. They are expected to try and come to some agreement if at all possible and may be expected to attend mediation if they are granted leave to apply to the Court.

How long were the 'siblings' living together? The children's best interests are the most important thing and depending how long they were together as brother and sister will have an influence on the outcome. If the matter has to be decided by the Court and following your comments about the influence dad is having on your nephew I would expect a CAFCASS office to be appointed who will speak to all the parties involved including the children and obtain their views too. The Court won't always do what the children want although the older the child the more reluctant they are to make an order. Young people tend to vote with their feet and there is no point forcing an angry teenager to see someone he doesn't want to. Things can change with time though. Do you know where he is living? Depending on his age would it be worth considering getting your niece to send him the occasional card? It would need to be kept light no accusations just trivia really, what she's been up to and how it would be lovely to see him one day, but not pressuring in any way. You and the grandparents could do similar. As I say no pressure and don't inundate him with cards and letters but it sometimes helps to keep the lines of communication open for the future? If CAFCASS become involved they may suggest the same if face to face contact can't be arranged at this time.

Just remember whatever you do that you don't want him to feel like he has to make a choice, that isn't fair on him. Any contact whether direct or indirect such as cards need to be age appropriate of course and as I mentioned above very 'light' never trying to elicit responses or reasons from him.

It must be so hard for the grandparents and you, having also lost their daughter, your sister and then having to deal with this father's apparent unreasonableness. All you can do is be available if the situation changes and maybe encourage your niece to send the odd postcard or note. Whatever happens, if the matter ends up going to Court, they will always look at what is in the children's best interests and maintaining a relationship with a half sibling would rank pretty high on the scale of best interests. Of course there can always be issues such as agreeing arrangements for contact and changes being made at the last minute but this will have to be dealt with as and when they arise. It is good they at least see each other at school albeit there have been some strange things said. Children can be nasty and can also fib about what's going on particularly when they are hurting which both probably are bearing in mind they lost their mother a year ago. Hopefully in time the two of them will work somethings out for themselves but for the time being all you can do is be supportive.

Keep us posted and if we can we will always try and give you guidance and support.