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Before anyone tells me off for posting racist jokes these were sent to me by my Irish cousin.
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself
by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the
landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.
He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a
Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door; it could be the
broken glass at the bottom of the stairs; it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house; it could be your bloodshot eyes; but
mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
>" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
> "That little *****, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
>"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have
something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty
> it was, but useless in a fight."
************************************************** **************************
> An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
>"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
>"Why, I've been to the pub, of course," slurs the drunk.
>"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
>"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
> "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms
> across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
> ************************************************** ******
> Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
"But where's my husband?"
"He's gone, Brenda ... your dear husband died today."
"How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee." ************************************************** **************************
>
> Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary, my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away
last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that gun.' "
************************************************** **************************
>
> AND THE BEST FOR LAST
>
> A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"_________________
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself
by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the
landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.
He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a
Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door; it could be the
broken glass at the bottom of the stairs; it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house; it could be your bloodshot eyes; but
mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
>" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
> "That little *****, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
>"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have
something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty
> it was, but useless in a fight."
************************************************** **************************
> An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
>"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
>"Why, I've been to the pub, of course," slurs the drunk.
>"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
>"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
> "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms
> across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
> ************************************************** ******
> Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
"But where's my husband?"
"He's gone, Brenda ... your dear husband died today."
"How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee." ************************************************** **************************
>
> Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary, my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away
last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that gun.' "
************************************************** **************************
>
> AND THE BEST FOR LAST
>
> A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"_________________
