Nursery Rhymes

[thephoenix]

Ohhh you all remember those nursery rhymes mummy and daddy used to sing to you when you were a little girl/boy.

Well.... in the 21st Century, things have moved on a bit and nursery rhymes.....well, they have also moved with the times.

So can we have some 21st century versions of the old classic nursery rhymes.
Here's a couple to give you an idea......

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.



It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh s**t, it's Global Warming.

[Solowka]

Re: Nursery Rhymes

Due to the always changing political climate in today's society, the following nursery rhyme:

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to fetch her poor dog a bone. But when she got there, the cupboard was bare, so the poor dog had none.

has been changed to read:


A geriatric person of female gender proceeded to a storage compartment for the purpose of procuring a fragment of osseous tissue from an unidentified deceased specimen to transfer to an indigent carnivorous domesticated mammal, Canis familiaris, of the family Canidae. Upon arrival at her destination, she found the storage compartment in denuded condition, with the consequence that the indigent carnivore was deprived of the intended donation.

[Paule]

Re: Nursery Rhymes

3 visually impaired rodents
3 visually impaired rodents
see how they run, see how they run
they all ran after the agriculturalist's life partner
who in a non-aggressive way advised then they were invading her personal space
have you ever heard such a thing in your life as
3 visually impaired rodents.

Baa baa non-predominantly hued ruminant mammal,
Have you any delightful protective outer covering for sale at a fair and reasonable price?
Yes non-gender specific manager, yes non-gender specific manager,
three aged challenged females with slightly unfriendly personas full.
One for the non-gender specific manager,
one for his or her non-gender specific partner,
(not that there's anything wrong with that),
And one for the youthful non-gender specific, vertically challenged individual who lives down the lane

Georgie-Porgie, pudding 'n' pie,
kiss the girls and made them cry
When the boys came out to play,
Georgie-Porgie was slammed with a sexual harassment suit

I'm a size challenged teapot, small in stature and generous of girth
Here is my non-judgemental holding device and here is my non-pressurised, safety device enabled, fluid releasing orifice
When I feel temperature augmented and in need of external expression
then I exclaim in an elevated decibel, yet non-threatening verbal tone
Adjust my angle and release my non-caffeinated, dairy free organic contents.

[Solowka]

Re: Nursery Rhymes

ba ba ethnic minority sheep
have you any wool
yes equal person, yes equal person
3 bags full
one for my superior but no less important a person
one for the imperialist scum who has inherited a title
and one for the vertically challenged person of male gender
who lives down the no less an important a road than a motorway


Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
Georgie Porgie was accused of sexual harassment and creating a hostile offensive environment and after a summary tribunal he was taken away.

[thephoenix]

Re: Nursery Rhymes

msl:

Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and everywhere that Mary went
the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
twas split right up the front
...But she didn't wear that one often.


Mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
between two chunks of bread.

[Paule]

Re: Nursery Rhymes

Mary has a little lamb
Its fleece was black as soot
and every where that Mary went
Its sooty foot it put

Mary had a Bmx
She rode it back to front
and everytime she pulled the brakes
..she fell off

Little Jack Horner
Sat in a corner
eating an Apple Pie
He stuck in his thumb
And pulled out a Plum
and said What the F.. is a plum doing in an Apple Pie

[Solowka]

Re: Nursery Rhymes

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's a$$
and turned it's wool to nylon

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over
Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.


Little Boy Blew.
Hey. He needed the money.


Hickory Dickory dock
Three mice ran up the clock
The clock struck one -
and the other two ran away with minor injuries.

[thephoenix]

Re: Nursery Rhymes

Little Jack Horner
Sat in a corner
eating an Apple Pie
He stuck in his thumb
And pulled out a Plum
and said What the F.. is a plum doing in an Apple Pie

msl:msl:msl:msl:msl: now I'm wet

[Paule]

Re: Nursery Rhymes

JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

[thephoenix]

Re: Nursery Rhymes

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
'What have u got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon
Pies you di*khead.


Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
And grabbed her as*
Now two of his teeth are missing.

[Paule]

Re: Nursery Rhymes

Mary Mary quite contrairy
how does your garden grow?
Listen you prat i live in a flat
so how the damn do i know.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water;
Jack fell down and broke his crown
And Jill came tumbling after.
Jill sued Jack and Jack sued back,
The judge is going to fine her;
Now the pail's been sent to jail
For abandoning a minor.
We'll sue Jack and he'll sue Jill,
The hill is suing for scandal;
The water says he'll sue the press –
And everyone's suing the handle.

White Van Man
To the tune of Old King Cole
White Van Man has a very white van
And a very white van has he,
Except for the dents and the rust by the vents
And some very rude graf-ee-teeeee.
He drives in his van as fast as he can
And he neither hears no sees,
He clings to his phone like a dog with a bone
While he steers with one of his kneeeees.
He picks his nose while the tailback grows
And yacks to his front seat crew,
But a fool so rash as to honk or flash
Will receive his fingers twooooo.
Oh, White Van Man has a very wide clan
Who profess no Highway Code,
They'll shunt your rear and yell in your ear
As they U-turn in the roooooad.
He stamps on his brakes when he overtakes
As he cuts up you and me,
For White Van Man has a very white van…
And a very white van has heeeee!

Anti-Social Behaviour Orders
To the tune of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star
ASBO, ASBO, little law,
How we wonder what you're for,
Chavs and yobs who love to fight
Terrorise us every night.
Toothless, useless, little law,
How we wonder what you're for.
On the streets with hoods and knives,
How they terrorise our lives,
Though they all should be in bed,
All you do is boost their cred.
ASBO, ASBO, can't you see
You are an accessory.
ASBO, ASBO, little law,
How we wonder what you're for,
Words will never rule the street,
We need coppers on the beat.
Toothless, useless, little law,
How we wonder what you're for