101 clean jokes

[Ashley]

The Pay Raise! One morning, a company CEO read an unusual letter from one of his employees:

Dear Bo$$,
A$ all of u$ have read in the new$paper$, the U$ economy ha$ come out of the rece$$ion.

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,
Norman

-----------------------------------------

The next day, the employee received this reply:


Dear NOrman,

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as of yet.

NOw the newspapers are saying the world's leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,
Manager

[willowb]

Yes Ash lol I like that! ....now errrrrm a clean joke?.....oh ermmmm....no no no not that one....ooooh what about? OMG! No....oh darn it, I don't know lol

Wxxx

[willowb]

Found one!!!!

Harold's new job had him working really late. He decides to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and asks for a doberman.

The employee said, "If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you." The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle.

Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?"
The employee says, "No, this dog is special; he knows karate."
"Karate? I don't believe it," Harold says.

The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign." And he points to a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at this.

The employee then says, "Karate the chair." And he points to a chair in the corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced.

"I'll take him," he says.

When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, "This little thing, a watch dog? No way." Harold says, "But this dog knows karate."
"Karate," she yells. "Karate my ass!"


Tee hee apart from saying 'ass' ooops

Wxxx

[iancognito]

I was feeling a bit lonely so I decided life would be more fun if I had a pet. So, I went to the pet shop and told the owner that I wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, I finally bought a Centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house.
I took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided I would start off by taking my new pet to the pub to have a drink. So, I asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down The Queen's Head Pub with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer.
This bothered me a bit, but I waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?" But again, there was no answer from my new friend and pet. So, I waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
I decided to ask him one more time; this time putting my face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Queen's Head Pub and have a drink with me?" After a short while






A little voice came out of the box:













"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my bloody shoes on."

[Mad Hatter]

One Night Stand

A man walks into a pub with a big grin on
his face.

"What are you so happy about?" asks the
bartender

"I'll tell you," he replies. "You
know, I live by the railway... Well,
on my way home last night, I
noticed a young woman tied to the tracks,
like in the movies. I, of
course, went and cut her free and took her
back to my place.

"Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We
made love
all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on
top, sometimes
her on top, every position imaginable!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the bartender. "You lucky
guy. Was she pretty?"

"Dunno... never found the
head."

[Amethyst]

ewwwwwwwwwww

[willowb]

Wxxx

[Mochamoos]

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they
are married....

The other night I was invited out for a night with the
"girls." I told my husband that I would be home by
midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the
margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a
bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the
door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and
cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would
probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was
really proud of myself for coming up with such a
quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible
conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed...3
cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got
in, I told him "MIDNIGHT"...he didn't seem ****ed off
in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he
said "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him
why? He said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said "oh god." Cuckooed 4 more
times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three
times, giggled, cuckooed twice more and then tripped
over the coffee table and farted.

[littlesally]

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to
dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was
hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The
old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be
able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to
be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles
would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local
police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding
any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could
do under the circumstances.

Love you, Vinnie

[crashbandicoot]

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that
she was out of credit, she instructed her son to use his own phone to pass
across an urgent message to his daddy who was on site.

After junior had called, he got back to Mommy to inform her that there was a
lady that picked up Daddy's phone the three times he tried reaching Dad on
the mobile.

She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and upon seeing
him in the driveway; she rushed out and gave him a tight slap. Then she
slapped him again for good measure.

People from the neighbourhood rushed around to find out what the cause of
the commotion was. The woman asked junior to tell everybody what the lady
said to him when he called.

Junior said: "The subscriber you have dialled is not available at present.
Please try again later."