The Joke Thread

[Paule]

Re: The Joke Thread

Why Is It So?

• If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
• If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?
• When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
• Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
• Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
• If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
• Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
• Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
• If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
• Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
• When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
• Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
• Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
• If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philip's Screwdriver?
• "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
• If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
• Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
• Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you that a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

[iancognito]

Re: The Joke Thread

That has had me crying laughing, they all think I'm mad now (again)

[Happyolddog]

Re: The Joke Thread

The captain of a pirate ship was sitting in his cabin when the first mate came to him and said, "There is a pirate ship on the horizon!" The captain replied, "Tell the men to prepare the guns and bring me my red shirt!" "Yes sir!" replied the first mate and went to fulfill his orders. The ship came closer and the men began to fight. The captain and his ship won the battle and the men kept all of the gold. A week later, the first mate came to the captain and said, "Captain, there are four ships on the horizon!" The captain replied, "OK, tell the men to prepare the guns and bring me my red shirt!" "Yes sir!" said the first mate and went to fulfill his orders. The other ships came closer and the men began to fight. The captain and his ship won the battle and the men kept all of the gold. After they won the battle, the first mate went to the captain and asked, "Every time we go into battle, you wear your red shirt. Why?" The captain answered, "Well, I wear my red shirt so that if I get shot and start bleeding, the men will keep fighting, not knowing their captain is hurt!" The first mate said, "Wow! That is really smart!" Two weeks later, the first mate once again came to the captain and said, "Captain, there are 20 ships on the horizon!" The captain said, "OK, tell the men to prepare the guns and bring me my brown pants!"
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[Happyolddog]

Re: The Joke Thread

I bet only ladies will laugh at this one.

Cat Lover or Not, this is hysterical!


We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.


Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"

There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!

Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

[thephoenix]

Re: The Joke Thread

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "And make several low-level passes." "Why?" asked the nervous pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

:roll::roll::roll::roll::roll:

[Happyolddog]

Re: The Joke Thread

One morning while making breakfast, a man walks up to his wife and pinches her on her butt and says, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother.
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[TANZARELLI]

Re: The Joke Thread

lol HOD

[enaid]

Re: The Joke Thread

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Subject: SORRY


Three men are sitting in room smoking cannabis.

After a few spliffs they run out of gear.
One of the men stands up and says,
"Look, we've got loads more tobacco, I'll just nip into the kitchen and
make one of my specialty spliffs."

Off he goes into the kitchen where he takes some of the spices from the
spice rack, grinds them up and rolls them into a spliff.

On his return he hands it to one of his smoking partners who lights it
and takes a long drag.

Within seconds he passes out.

Ten minutes go by, then an hour, and he's still out cold, so they decide
to take him to the hospital.

On arrival he is wheeled into intensive care.
The doctor returns to his friends and asks, "So what was he doing then
Cannabis?"

"Well sort of", replies one of the guys, "But we ran out of gear, so I
made a home-made spliff."

"Oh" replies the doctor, "so what did you put in it?"

"Um, a bit of cumin, some turmeric, garam masala and a couple of other
spices." comes the answer.

The doctor sighs,

"Well that explains it. He'll be here for 3 weeks before he wakes up."

"Why, what's wrong with him?" asks one of the men.

The doctor replies............................

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"He's in a korma".
.

[Happyolddog]

Re: The Joke Thread

I like that onemsl:

[enaid]

Re: The Joke Thread

does it ring a bell maybe pmsl

[Paule]

Re: The Joke Thread

On a tour of England, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the north west coast.

His 4x4 Pope-Mobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion.

They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a Man United jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!

At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Man City tops roared into view.

Spontaneously, one of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the United fan from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semiconscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling from the shore......

It was the Pope, summoning them to the beach.

Upon reaching land, the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I'd heard there were racist, xenophobic people trying to divide the people of Britain but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true". "I can see your society is a truly enlightened example of tribal harmony which could serve as a model for other nations."

He blessed them all and drove off. As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that?!"

"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows absolutely f--k all about shark fishing, the ******." How's the bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"

[iancognito]

Re: The Joke Thread

msl:msl:msl:msl:msl:msl:msl:msl:msl:msl:msl:msl:

[Delta]

Re: The Joke Thread

The definitions of poop

GHOST Poop: The kind where you feel the Poop come out, but there is no Poop in the toilet.

CLEAN Poop: The kind where you Poop it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the paper.

WET Poop: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels un-wiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with a stain.

SECOND WAVE Poop: This happens when you're done Pooping and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to Poop some more.

POP-A-VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD-Poop: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

LINCOLN LOG Poop: The kind of Poop that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

GASSEY Poop: It's so noisy, everyone within earshot giggles.

DRINKER Poop: The kind of Poop you have the morning after a night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

CORN Poop: (Self-explanatory)

GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-Poop-Poop: The kind where you want to Poop, but all you do is set on the toilet and fart a few times.

SPINAL TAP Poop: This is when it hurts so badly coming out you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.

WET CHEEKS Poop: (The Power Dump). The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.

LIQUID Poop: The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.

MEXICAN Poop:It smells so badly that your nose burns.

UPPER CLASS Poop: The kind of Poop that has no odor.

THE SURPRISE Poop: You are not at the toilet because you think you are about to fart but...oops...a Poop!!!

THE DANGLING Poop: This Poop refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done Pooping it. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose

[Happyolddog]

Re: The Joke Thread

Well it made me realise why I'm so sad

http://www.emailjokes.co.za/images/40844Sad_47306_40844_1.jpg
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[thephoenix]

Re: The Joke Thread

Ohhh dear........Soooooo sad, yet SOOOOOOooooooooooooooo TRUE :3sum: