The Joke Thread

[Delta]

Re: The Joke Thread

I like this, don't care if its true or not, but it sure bring a smile to one's chops!

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Heathrow some weeks ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when
confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been
withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line
of inconvenienced travellers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on he counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS"

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help
you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If
anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, but you'll have to fly BRITISH AIRWAYS for that service."

[Happyolddog]

Re: The Joke Thread

Little Jonnie walks into his parents bedroom, his dad is riding the ass off his mum, "get out" shouts jonnies dad in fits of laughter, as he throws the pillow at him,then the pair carry on with their fun.
Half an hour later jonnies dad is walking the landing and hears noises coming from jonnies room, he bursts open the door to see little jonnie sha**ing gran, "what do you think are you doing jonnie" shouts his dad.

Hur says jonnie, "not so funny when it's your mum is it"?

[Happyolddog]

Re: The Joke Thread

The Pope was having a shower. Although he is very strict about the

celibacy rules, he occasionally feels the need to exercise the right

wrist, and this was one of these occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal Climax, he saw a photographer taking a
picture of the Holy Seed flying through the air.



"Hold on a minute," said the Pope. "You can't do that. You'll destroy

the reputation of the Catholic Church."



"This picture is my lottery win," said the photographer. "I'll be

financially secure for life."



So the Pope offered to buy the camera off the photographer, and after

lots of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a figure of two

million dollars.



The Pope then dried himself off and headed off with his new camera.He

met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera. "That looks like a really

good camera," she said. "How much did it cost you?"

"Two million dollars," replied the Pope.



"TWO MILLION DOLLARS?" said the housekeeper, "Someone must have seen

you coming."
_________________

[Happyolddog]

Re: The Joke Thread

From the State where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from Queensland, Australia.

Recently a routine Police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry night), flicked the indicators on and off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road!

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police Station, this Breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[Happyolddog]

Re: The Joke Thread

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks."

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

[Amethyst]

Re: The Joke Thread

pmsl fabulous

[iancognito]

Re: The Joke Thread

A man in a hot air balloon realized that he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.He descended a bit more and shouted

"Excuse me, can you help me?I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering

approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 50 and 51 degrees north latitude and between 114 and 115 degrees west longitude.

"You must be an engineer," said the ballonist.

"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "Everything you told me is technically

correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information. The fact is,I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything,you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

Well," said the woman,

"you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to

where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, you've managed to make it my fault."

[Happyolddog]

Re: The Joke Thread

*After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the US driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.


"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "would you please take your seat so we can leave?"



"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.



"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.



"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a smile.



Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. (Remember, he's a German Pope.)



"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.



"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.



The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.



"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.



"So bust him," says the Chief.



"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.



The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"



"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.



The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "The Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "The President?"

Cop: "Bigger."



"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"



Cop: "I think it's God!"



The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, "What makes you think it's God?"



Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur."
_________________

[Happyolddog]

Re: The Joke Thread

What Women really mean When they say:

1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.
_________________

[grimbell]

Re: The Joke Thread

QUANTAS

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet,
which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the
aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.

The engineers read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower
half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews
the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas
pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot) (S = The solution and action taken by the engineers)


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level .

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

[Happyolddog]

Re: The Joke Thread

I found this parrot in my garden this morning, I think it must belong to Gobby Rose!




Cos it keep shouting fecking feckerty fecker!
F**k off ya bast**d

[TANZARELLI]

Re: The Joke Thread

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married

The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
--------------------------------------------------------------------

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "

"Is it common? "

"It's not unusual."
--------------------------------------------------------------------

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "

"No, because he's really heavy"
--------------------------------------------------------------------

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."

"Well you can't say fairer than that then"
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
------------------------------------------------------------------

So I went to the dentist.

He said "Say Aaah."

I said "Why?"

He said "My dog's died.'"
--------------------------------------------------------------------


"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said

'Who's speaking please?'

And a voice said 'You are.'"
-------------------------------------------------------------------

So I rang up my local swimming baths.

I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
-------------------------------------------------------------------

"So I rang up a local building firm,

I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'

He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And

there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's either my mum or my dad.

Or my older brother Colin.

Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

But I think it's Colin.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up,
and he said

'You've been promoted.'

And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said

"You've been promoted again.'

And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said

'You're managing director.'

And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said

'What happened to you?'

And I said 'I careered off the road.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?

The one I was in went back and forwards.

I thought 'This is unusual'.

And the dentist said to me

Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give me a lift?"

I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other

"Does this taste funny to you?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,

and the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on the windscreen,

it said

'Parking Fine.'

So that was nice."
--------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walked into the doctors,

The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time "

The man replied "I know I've been ill"
--------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walked into the doctors,

he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"

The doctor said "well don't go to those places"
--------------------------------------------------------------------

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.

He wasn't very happy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I

couldn't find any.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a

month for the next 2 years.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one

of them would have seen it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Phone answering machine message -

...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he

couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
---------------------------------------------------------------------

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

A strong currant pulled him in.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
--------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the

craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak

and heat it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered

with hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."

The other one says "So are you, you fat slob!"

Sorry if any of these are duplicated.

[enaid]

Re: The Joke Thread

lol how are you Tanz still golfing?

[TANZARELLI]

Re: The Joke Thread

lol how are you Tanz still golfing?

Hi enaid, not as much as i'd like still dealling with the after effects of the floods at my work in Tewkesbury.

And busy working on a couple of other sites in my spare time.

Hope your well.

[Happyolddog]

Re: The Joke Thread

First Aid.


A woman sitting in a restaurant in Scotland suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress.
Two locals, MacKenzie and MacDonald sitting at the next table turned to look at her.
Kin ye swallae ? Asked MacKenzie.
The woman signalled 'No!' , desperately shaking her head.
Kin ye breathe ? Asked MacDonald.
The woman shook her head NO !!!
With that, MacKenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her back side
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm, that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breath again. MacKenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
Donald said in admiration, "Ye ken MacKenzie, I'd heard of that bloody 'Hind Lick Manoeuvre', but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it"
_________________