Tesco murder

[enaid]

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young
husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance
policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to
have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side
underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie..'

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a
spouse was £5,000..

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't
have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened
his wallet, displaying the single £1 Coin that rested inside. Artie sighed,
rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the £1 as down payment for
the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco Super
Store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to
strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her
last breath & slumped to the floor........

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder
scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no
choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the
hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who
immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could
even leave the store..

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole
sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless
husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...








(You're going to hate me for this ..... )






'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 AT TESCO!'

[Amethyst]

Re: Tesco murder

thats ****ing brilliant nelly thank you xxx

[indebt2009]

Re: Tesco murder

nice one, lifted my day
Ta
xx

[rosymaria]

Re: Tesco murder

lol:beagle:

[ROBSTER]

Re: Tesco murder

Those MPs are at it again.

I see now they're trying to replace the speaker in the house of commons.

Haven't they spent enough on electrical goods recently ?

[Amethyst]

Re: Tesco murder

grooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn :kiss:

[Happyolddog]

Re: Tesco murder

I needed a giggle, Thanks Nelly....BRILLIANT

[ROBSTER]

Re: Tesco murder

Real story by a Man who was standing in a queue in Tesco's.........[FONT='Goudy Old Style', 'serif'] [/FONT]





I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my b**ls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid lady...why else would I buy dog food?

[Tools]

Re: Tesco murder

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,

"My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.


It takes ten seconds and only costs five pounds.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor".

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.

He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pound, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better...

........Thank you for shopping at Tesco.

[TANZARELLI]

Re: Tesco murder

Nice one Enaid thats funny as fook

[PJ69]

Re: Tesco murder

lol cheers Di...I love that joke - it's the 1st one I ever learned properly....always reminds me of mi dad xXx

[ROBSTER]

Re: Tesco murder

Swearing at Work

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.


Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.

Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
1.
Try Saying:
I think you could
do with more training
Instead Of:
You don't have a
f***ing clue, do you?
2.
Try Saying:
She's an aggressive go-getter.
Instead Of:
She's a f***ing power-crazy
b*tch
3.
Try Saying:
Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of:
And when the f*** do you expect
me to do this?
4.
Try Saying:
I'm certain that isn't feasible
Instead Of:
F*** off a*se-wipe
5.
Try Saying:
Really?
Instead Of:
Well f*** me backwards with
a telegraph pole
6.
Try Saying:
Perhaps you should check with...
Instead Of:
Tell someone who gives a f***.
7.
Try Saying:
I wasn't involved in the project.
Instead Of:
Not my f***ing problem, mate.
8.
Try Saying:
That's interesting.
Instead Of:
What the f***?
9.
Try Saying:
I'm not sure this can be implemented
within the given timescale.
Instead Of:
No f***ing chance mate.
10.
Try Saying:
It will be tight, but I'll
try to schedule it in
Instead Of:
Why the f*** didn't you tell
me that yesterday?
11.
Try Saying:
He's not familiar with the
issues
Instead Of:
He's got his head up his f***ing
a*se.
12.
Try Saying:
Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of:
Oi, f*** face.
13.
Try Saying:
Of course, I was only going
to be at home anyway
Instead Of:
Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays
anyway.