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Richard Littlejohn on the budget tomorrow.
Fabulous stuff.
Fabulous stuff.
Tomorrow is Budget Day. I've booked a long lunch.
If I have to listen to Gordon's glove puppet droning on about fiscal responsibility and saving the polar bears, I may lose the will to live.
All you need to know is that it will be the usual collection of disingenuous, patronising platitudes and that when Darling sits down we'll all be worse off.
There might be some amusement to be had in trying to spot whether Gordon's lips move while his stooge is delivering "his" first Budget.
That, of course, pre-supposes that the Prime Minister will actually turn up, instead of hiding behind the sofa while forcing someone else to take the blame for the parlous state of the public purse.
Gordon's not exactly known for his conspicuous bravery, being a lifetime member of the White Feather Club.
But for my part, I'll be doing my best to drain the European wine lake before the caring Chancellor can slap on another quid a bottle to save us all from ourselves.
Frankly, I don't know why Darling is even bothering to make a formal announcement. Most of it has already been leaked.
We've come a long way from the days when Chancellor Sir Hugh Dalton was forced to resign in 1947 because he'd slipped a couple of morsels to an evening newspaper reporter on the afternoon of his Budget before he'd delivered it to the House.
The contents of Darling/Brown's latest bank raid have been circulating for months, like plastic shopping bags caught up in yesterday's gales.
Ministers and their muppets have been busily bending the ears of political correspondents, largely to see what they can get away with.
The plan is always to scare everyone to death in advance, so that when the actual tax increases turn out not to be quite so big as advertised we're all pathetically grateful.
Better still, they try to convince us that there's something virtuous about picking our pockets.
So jacking up the price of Chateau Tesco 2008 is billed as an assault on "binge-drinking" - as if the streets are overrun by Lafite Louts.
Stiffing us still further on petrol is about "decarbonising road transport", not filling the black hole in the nation's finances created by the Man Who Stole Your Old Age.
It's really about bankrolling Labour's legions of outreach co-ordinators and assorted busybodies and keeping the five million wasters on long-term "incapacity" benefits in Special Brew, DVD players and pizzas.
This is being touted as the "greenest ever" Budget, but none of it adds up.
It's about raising money, not rescuing polar bears.
How does putting an extra two grand on the price of a car - sorry, "gas guzzler" - help the ice caps? Answer: it doesn't.
If someone can afford more than £50,000 for a Range Rover, they're not going to switch to using bendy buses for the sake of two thousand on the sticker.
And if killing polar bears is wrong, why is it OK provided the heartless murderer coughs up £25 a day for the privilege of driving into London?
No other country on earth has taken leave of its senses over global warming to such an insane degree.
Politicians and broadcasters are now obsessed with so-called climate change to the point of mental illness.
The ridiculous David Miliband even tried to justify refusing a referendum on the European constitution on the grounds that if we didn't surrender our vetoes we wouldn't be able to tackle global warming.
Do you think anywhere else in Europe they were putting forward that absurd argument? Where do the Romanians stand on polar bears, for instance?
It's the catch-all excuse for taxing, fining and bullying us.
Scrapping weekly rubbish collections?
Polar bears.
Five quid a gallon petrol?
Polar bears.
Hospital parking charges?
Polar bears.
Global warming has been a Godsend for greedy politicians, now that the schools'n'ospitals argument has been tested to destruction.
The truth of the matter is that Labour under Brown has doubled public spending with little to show for it.
Gordon has thrown our money around like the crew of the Ark Royal on shore leave. Now the bills have landed.
Having taken credit for the global economic boom, he now blames global downturn for his own incompetence and recklessness - as if American banks making dodgy loans to rednecks in trailer parks has anything to do with his decision to flog off our gold reserves at the bottom of the market.
Gordon got $275 an ounce. Yesterday, the world gold price was set to crash the $1,000 barrier. Brilliant.
From Prudence to polar bears - the excuses change but the purpose remains the same. Tax, tax and more tax.
Nor will you hear much mention tomorrow of the £100billion blown on Northern Rock, even though this was the most ill-advised adventure in Geordieland since Michael Caine went up there in Get Carter.
If this Budget runs true to form, it will be Friday before the real nasty stuff emerges when people get round to reading the small print.
Fill up the car tonight and stop off at Majestic on the way home. If anyone wants me, I'll be out to lunch.
If I have to listen to Gordon's glove puppet droning on about fiscal responsibility and saving the polar bears, I may lose the will to live.
All you need to know is that it will be the usual collection of disingenuous, patronising platitudes and that when Darling sits down we'll all be worse off.
There might be some amusement to be had in trying to spot whether Gordon's lips move while his stooge is delivering "his" first Budget.
That, of course, pre-supposes that the Prime Minister will actually turn up, instead of hiding behind the sofa while forcing someone else to take the blame for the parlous state of the public purse.
Gordon's not exactly known for his conspicuous bravery, being a lifetime member of the White Feather Club.
But for my part, I'll be doing my best to drain the European wine lake before the caring Chancellor can slap on another quid a bottle to save us all from ourselves.
Frankly, I don't know why Darling is even bothering to make a formal announcement. Most of it has already been leaked.
We've come a long way from the days when Chancellor Sir Hugh Dalton was forced to resign in 1947 because he'd slipped a couple of morsels to an evening newspaper reporter on the afternoon of his Budget before he'd delivered it to the House.
The contents of Darling/Brown's latest bank raid have been circulating for months, like plastic shopping bags caught up in yesterday's gales.
Ministers and their muppets have been busily bending the ears of political correspondents, largely to see what they can get away with.
The plan is always to scare everyone to death in advance, so that when the actual tax increases turn out not to be quite so big as advertised we're all pathetically grateful.
Better still, they try to convince us that there's something virtuous about picking our pockets.
So jacking up the price of Chateau Tesco 2008 is billed as an assault on "binge-drinking" - as if the streets are overrun by Lafite Louts.
Stiffing us still further on petrol is about "decarbonising road transport", not filling the black hole in the nation's finances created by the Man Who Stole Your Old Age.
It's really about bankrolling Labour's legions of outreach co-ordinators and assorted busybodies and keeping the five million wasters on long-term "incapacity" benefits in Special Brew, DVD players and pizzas.
This is being touted as the "greenest ever" Budget, but none of it adds up.
It's about raising money, not rescuing polar bears.
How does putting an extra two grand on the price of a car - sorry, "gas guzzler" - help the ice caps? Answer: it doesn't.
If someone can afford more than £50,000 for a Range Rover, they're not going to switch to using bendy buses for the sake of two thousand on the sticker.
And if killing polar bears is wrong, why is it OK provided the heartless murderer coughs up £25 a day for the privilege of driving into London?
No other country on earth has taken leave of its senses over global warming to such an insane degree.
Politicians and broadcasters are now obsessed with so-called climate change to the point of mental illness.
The ridiculous David Miliband even tried to justify refusing a referendum on the European constitution on the grounds that if we didn't surrender our vetoes we wouldn't be able to tackle global warming.
Do you think anywhere else in Europe they were putting forward that absurd argument? Where do the Romanians stand on polar bears, for instance?
It's the catch-all excuse for taxing, fining and bullying us.
Scrapping weekly rubbish collections?
Polar bears.
Five quid a gallon petrol?
Polar bears.
Hospital parking charges?
Polar bears.
Global warming has been a Godsend for greedy politicians, now that the schools'n'ospitals argument has been tested to destruction.
The truth of the matter is that Labour under Brown has doubled public spending with little to show for it.
Gordon has thrown our money around like the crew of the Ark Royal on shore leave. Now the bills have landed.
Having taken credit for the global economic boom, he now blames global downturn for his own incompetence and recklessness - as if American banks making dodgy loans to rednecks in trailer parks has anything to do with his decision to flog off our gold reserves at the bottom of the market.
Gordon got $275 an ounce. Yesterday, the world gold price was set to crash the $1,000 barrier. Brilliant.
From Prudence to polar bears - the excuses change but the purpose remains the same. Tax, tax and more tax.
Nor will you hear much mention tomorrow of the £100billion blown on Northern Rock, even though this was the most ill-advised adventure in Geordieland since Michael Caine went up there in Get Carter.
If this Budget runs true to form, it will be Friday before the real nasty stuff emerges when people get round to reading the small print.
Fill up the car tonight and stop off at Majestic on the way home. If anyone wants me, I'll be out to lunch.
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