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The stress of redundancy can push relationships to breaking point, but some couples find adversity actually strengthens their bond. Former Relate counsellor Laura Marcus reports
Couples are now facing financial pressures not seen since the early 90s and for many, this will be their first experience of living through tough times. So how does a person cope with losing their job, while their partner stays in work?
Relationship counselling charity Relate has seen a spike in those seeking help, with two-thirds of its centres experiencing an increase in demand this year - particularly in the south-east and the Midlands.
Financial stress can heighten relationship problems. "The partner remaining in work may feel resentment about their position and often feel very tired because they're having to work harder," says Denise Knowles, Relate counsellor and spokeswoman. "You should drop the mutual protection racket you may have established over the years and be really honest with each other about how you feel. That means facing up to negative feelings you may have, which can be especially tough if it's your partner who's been made redundant."
Catherine London has been made redundant from two PA jobs in the last two years, yet she and her partner, Anthony Swainston, an aerospace processing engineer, think the adversity has brought them closer.
"We don't live together but that's turned out to be a blessing because I couldn't get the dole if he lived with me, even though £64 a week barely covers anything," London says. "It's Anthony's emotional support that's kept me sane. Normally I'm an optimistic person but it's so hard being out of work. I miss being in an office every day. I miss the camaraderie.
"But I'll never feel safe in work again. Businesses are habitually getting rid of people - nothing is dependable any more, there's no trust, no loyalty. So you have to try to find security in your relationship instead."
Swainston agrees: "Of course, no one would wish for something like this, but it has strengthened our relationship. We have more to talk about now. Life is less of a daily grind just talking about work at the end of each day. I do my best to help Catherine with bills and food because it's what you do, isn't it? You support each other and I know if the situation were reversed, she'd do the same."
But for London, who has been independent for many years, it is now hard to accept that she must depend on someone else in lean times.
Such changes to personal circumstances can affect a person deeply and can, inevitably, change their relationship. Redundancy is like a bereavement with that same gut-wrenching sense of loss, the furious "why me?". Everyone says it's not personal, but of course it feels that way to the one who has lost their job.
For this reason, mass redundancies can be slightly easier to cope with, says Knowles. "What anger and blame may have once been turned inwards is now turned outwards on to the government and bankers. That helps couples fight it together. They know outside influences have brought them to this point and there's much less stigma now [about losing your job]. So while people feel hopeless and helpless, at least many seem to be avoiding the blame game."
Some partners are not only able to provide support, but also alternative employment.
Linda Jones and Neil Aitchison have been together for 13 years and have twin daughters, aged 10. When Aitchison lost his job as a web editor at Warwick University last August, Jones offered him a post at her editorial and new media agency, Passionate Media, which she has run since 2003.
Jones says: "It's great Neil has been able to join me. Now he doesn't have to spend two hours a day driving. He can walk our daughters to school and doesn't have to ask his line manager for time off to attend a parents' afternoon."
Aitchison says it can be difficult working with his partner, and that the couple have to ensure they separate home and work life. "But I think generally it's brought us closer," he says.
It's not the first time Aitchison has been made redundant, and the couple have faced tough times before. What tips can they pass on?
"Losing your job can be the turning point; a spur for you to go on to better things, achieve triumph out of adversity," says Aitchison.
Jones adds: "Don't get too fixated on the job situation, though I know that's easier said than done. Sit down and talk about it. Take a long hard look at your life - how does being in the position of one of you losing your job give you the chance to re-evaluate? I don't think being happy and 'successful' depends on material success, so I would encourage couples to look beyond the panic redundancy inevitably brings."
Many couples make the transition from two incomes to one in order to raise a family. When that sole income is lost due to redundancy - and the couple has young children to bring up - the pressure is even greater. This happened to Justin Steed, an advertising copywriter, in January.
"It was a terrible shock and at first I had a lot of mood swings. Then I talked to my dad, who's long retired, and when he offered to pay my daughter's school fees - she goes to an international school one day a week - that really got to me and I had a bit of a cry, I have to admit," he says. "Obviously my wife was worried but she was marvellous when I had this wobble and we're stronger now."
Steed, like Aitchison, used his redundancy to take another path. "I'd been thinking about starting my own consultancy and this gave me the impetus. I specialise in international, idiom-free English. It's early days but there's lots of interest. With luck, I've found myself a niche I wouldn't have discovered if I hadn't lost my job."
Like Aitchison, Steed can now spend more time with his family, too. "My children are too young to understand what's going on. All they're seeing is more of me and it's wonderful. I was commuting an hour each way, every day, so it's great to be able to take my daughter to school and my son to his creche instead of being someone they only saw at breakfast and bedtime," he says. "And my wife is glad to have more help with the baby. She realises I need time to myself though, which is great as I wouldn't be very comfortable suggesting it."
The last recession also saw a surge in self employment and business start-ups, but that's not suitable for everyone and some are forced to sign on until they find new employment.
Elizabeth Atkins, a logistician, was made redundant last September and had to depend on her live-in partner Luke Walker as gaps in her national insurance payments meant she didn't qualify for contributions-based Jobseeker's Allowance.
"Our finances are independent and always have been, but [the Jobcentre] wanted all Luke's details and gave me an 18-page booklet to fill in with half a side to me, half to him. But my money's mine and his is his," she says.
"Even in this day and age, it's assumed a woman is dependent on her partner. That felt weird and quite horrible. Luke was very supportive and I feel sorry for people who don't have that kind of back-up. We've been together eight years and he's the love of my life, but even so, it was very difficult for a while as I was moping around at home, not my usual self. I was very weepy and some days I didn't wash; I felt worthless. Work validates you as a person."
Atkins was rescued from her depression when a former employer asked her to go back. "I'm back to my usual self now, but I still feel angry about the way I was treated by the Jobcentre... You just become a number, there's no humanity."
• Some names have been changed
• To contact Relate, visit www.relate.org.uk or call 0300 100 1234. For benefits details, visit Directgov at tinyurl.com/2j54lc
Steering a relationship through redundancy
Counsellors tell couples to share their concerns with each other, but that can be difficult for some. Here are some tips to make it easier.
• Try to talk in situations where you're both facing the same way - in a car, on a walk or even watching TV.
• Don't deny your feelings. Accept you'll both feel wretched. If you're the same after a few months, see your doctor as you may be depressed.
• Swap your usual chair with that of your partner and try role playing; speaking each other's lines. It shows you know what they're going through.
• Recognise this is a loss for both of you and for the family. Dreams may have to be shelved, lives changed.
• Write your partner a letter saying how you feel. You don't have to give it to them but the writing process should help.
• Above all, recognise this isn't your fault and there isn't anything you could have done to prevent it.
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