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The Apprentice is back. As Sir Alan Sugar's prospective employees line up for series five we ask two recruitment specialists to interpret what they have said about themselves
Oh, the things Apprentice candidates will say to win Sir Alan Sugar's attention. One thing they all have in common is their promise to "give it 110%", "step up to the plate" and "lead from the front", and no doubt we will be seeing more of this relentless ambition tonight as series five begins. But what would happen if you used this approach in the real world?
"The kind of things they say on The Apprentice might make good telly, but mostly it means nothing," says Amber Soutter who works for recruitment agency Reed."When we run through interviews with our candidates, we always tell them to give specific examples of what they've achieved rather than use stock phrases, and put a positive spin on themselves. But on The Apprentice it just sounds like they're blagging it and sometimes it smacks of desperation."
Shuvo Loha, managing director at headhunting company Janikin Rooke, says: "Saying things like 'I'll give it 110%' is a load of rubbish. It impresses no one, it's just vacuous. It takes a lot of effort to do well in front of a prospective employer, but all it takes is just one misplaced word to undo all of it, and people will infer all kinds of things about you, and how you aren't appropriate for the position."
Last year there were some real gems of misplaced affirmations of great employability: foppish Raef and his "the spoken word is my tool", and the other fop, Nicholas de Lacy-Brown, who claimed he was "destined for great things" from the moment he was born and was first to be fired. Cringe.
So what do we have to look forward to tonight? We ask Loha and Soutter to interpret what this year's Apprentice intake have said about themselves.
Lorraine Tighe: "I've fought against all the odds. I'm a single mum with no education and I've had a very hard time. It is tough, but to have the confidence I have I should be very proud of myself."
Loha says: "Remember you're talking to your prospective employer, not your therapist. Getting your hard luck story in early isn't going to get you the job – this isn't The X Factor."
Mona Lewis: "I knew I would be selected, not to sound big-headed … I've succeeded in the companies I've worked for because I work hard and I'm honest."
Soutter says: "Hmm, she doesn't want to sound big-headed, but she does. We always advise candidates not to come across as overly confident because then it sounds like you don't want to learn anything."
Ben Clarke: "To me making money is better than sex."
Loha says: "He's obviously having really bad sex. Why on earth would you make reference to sex to your potential future employer? Seriously?"
Soutter says: "Oh god. A big no. If anything, it makes him sound like he's trying too hard to be popular by saying something different, when actually he comes across as sounding slightly immature and cringeworthy."
Majid Nagra: "I think that business is the backbone to this world. Without companies buying and selling there wouldn't be any economy."
Loha says: "This guy's scaling new heights in stating the obvious."
Howard Ebison: "I am a credible businessman who wants to go far. I'm incredibly ambitious. If I don't go far down this route I shall go far down another route."
Soutter says: "One of the better statements – he doesn't sound desperate ... Comes across as confident, although he does need to be careful not to make it sound as if he's not too bothered about how far he'll go in the series."
Debra Barr: "When I set my sights on something I have to make sure I get it. I am very cautious and only let the people that I trust see the softer side of me."
Loha says: "She sounds untrusting, like she will take a long time to feel comfortable with people, perhaps demonstrating an insecurity on her part."
Philip Taylor: "Business is the new rock 'n' roll and I'm Elvis Presley"
Soutter says: "He's just trying too hard to win a reality show rather than show any entrepreneurial talent."
Rocky Andrews: "For me business is about hard work, attention to detail, being willing to make mistakes and learning from these mistakes."
Loha says: "He at least has some understanding of the characteristics that might be required of him in the workplace. He's not using hyperbole or making meaningless declarations – one of the stronger statements."
Yasmina Siadatan: "Business is about a simple formula. Make more than you spend. That's what I do, I keep business simple and it works. I'm good at it.
Loha says: "At least she's opening up a conversation here, and at least she makes reference to the business world."
Kate Walsh: "My CV speaks for itself. I've always excelled academically and I have really achieved within a corporate environment across sales, marketing and a number of different aspects of business."
Soutter says: "A fairly good, relevant statement. She makes reference to her academic achievements and goes on to mention her professional experience."
James McQuillan: "I'm astute and shrewd and smart … maybe blunt at times."
Loha says: "It's not really a good idea to leave open to the imagination the consequences of being blunt in the workplace – not exactly a quality to highlight. There's also no need to repeat himself three times – astute, shrewd and smart all mean the same thing. Clearly not very articulate."
Kimberly Davis: "I bring honesty and integrity to the table. I don't lie, cheat or backstab. I am not the stereotypical New Yorker and it's a stereotype I've faced."
Loha says: "She sounds quite defensive."
Anita Shah: "My CV is strong. I am articulate. I can deal with questions and make impactful statements. Many lawyers can't. People want to chat with me."
Soutter says: "Surely most lawyers can deal with questions and make impactful statements, because that's their job? "
Noorul Choudhury: "I have always been ambitious and driven and I've got the capabilities to deliver. I am not all talk … I can manage a team of people, total strangers even, because I am feisty and have attitude."
Loha says: "I'm not sure that being feisty and having attitude are necessarily the right qualities to make a good leader."
Paula Jones: "I am the girl with a plan. I have great wit and strength of character, and I am resilient to the core."
Loha says: "This means nothing. Completely inane stuff."
• Join Anna Pickard from 9pm tonight as she liveblogs the return of Sir Alan Sugar's reality TV show The Apprentice
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