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Hi Ev1,
My apologies first all for the saga that is my life, right now. But I'm feeling so overwhelmed & I'm lost as to what to do now.
So any help would be gratefully received!
I'm currently married with 4 sons (3 still live at home) & we live in the Private Rental sector. My husband & 2 elder sons work full time, I myself am on IB & DLA due to botched Epidural that left me with Cauda Equina Syndrome & lots of not so lovely medications to take! (whole another saga is this)
So anyways we do not get any HB or CT benefits as we aren't entitled. So I rely on my husbands wages & my benefits to live upon.
Now the issues I have are;
I became seriously ill after the trauma of a botched epidural & subsequent major spinal surgery, that left me with Cauda Equina Syndrome. This is turn led to PTSD & Psychosis! So for a few years I'd checked out on life & my family by hiding away in my bedroom. So in fact my husband had control of everything from our children to our finances etc etc.
I then to everyone's surprise turned a corner & started to join life again. It was not too long after that my "real nightmare" began.** (skipping onwards to join time line below)
My husband is a verbally, mentally abusive coward who has extremely serious gambling issues! Which he does not & will not acknowledge. I only found out about it approx **5 years ago when we were illegally evicted from our home (as he stole the rent money without my knowledge) & we all ended up living in a 2 bed caravan that wasn't fit for a dog lest alone a family! (There's more to this but is the bare bones) I had also discovered just before the illegal eviction that my husband had stolen all our savings & my jewellery along with his also going missing! Cue big confrontation which was never resolved due to our homelessness, but we had an *agreement to be going on with!!
Anyways we lived in this tin box nightmare for just over 2 years & it had a very profound affect on one of my sons & myself! (I.E no life & depression was our friend) It was only the fact my eldest son moved back in with us that finally got us into a new house with proper facilities etc.
During all this time my husband would continue to tap me for more & more money, using fantastical stories (which I only discovered afterwards) as after our first big confrontation (as above*), it was agreed that he would have no access to our bank accounts & he agreed to a certain amount of money each week! So then the lies began with the fantastical stories about what & why he needed extra money.......
I was too scared of confronting him again but we fought a great deal, always over money!! I.E him wanting more & me saying no! But I still couldn't confront him about his Gambling issues as I actually have no proof at all. Apart from his never ending lies & gut feeling. As he's not a drinker or into drugs etc.
I then found out he had a secret bank account (as the statement came to our address) & upon checking his internet history on pc it's full of pages after pages of betting & gambling sites. There's race results & the like & it goes back month after month (as I save my Internet history for 999 days). I've also seen betting slips & bank Withdrawl slips for his not so secret bank account!! And I for over 2 years kept it all to myself & let him continue to lie to me for more money all the time.
I felt like I was in this on my own & then one day I found Gamblers Anonymous. I used their Counselling services as a partner to a Gambler & they after listening to me, confirmed my fears about his secret gambling. I spent over 9 mths having GA counselling & I stopped it in the end as I was getting no where. I was still too scared to confront him & this was always the place I got stuck on.
And then one day approx 20 mths ago 2 of my sons confessed that my husband had been asking them for money (whilst saying NOT to tell your mum) Which hit me hard! I in turn spoke to my 3rd son (who doesn't live with us) & got a complete horror story from him about money he'd also given to my husband! It added up into a few £1000s!!!!
So I told all my 3 elder sons to no longer give him money under no circumstances as I would no longer pay it back!!
This had made me so angry as not only had my husband lied & stolen from me, he was now also using our 3 sons to fund his Gambling habit!! (There's also been loans etc his had all unbeknownst to me)!
And yet I still wasn't strong enough to confront him!
It was one w/end last August that finally made me go over the edge! (This involved a massive big lie, our youngest son & my husbands ex wife). I waited for him to get back from his w/end away & I told him to meet me outside his work place. Cue a big massive confrontation (which I recorded for my protection) & whilst I remained calm as I could he was so abusive towards me that it ended up with my leaving stood on the pavement & me driving off as he threw rocks at me!!
From that day onwards I was no longer scared of him & his abusive ways! It ended up that I would not sleep in same room as him nor cook for him. (This is still like this nearly 10 mths later) I have also confronted him on at least 8 separate occasions now re his lies, gambling issues & everything else that's he's never answered for!
He still will NOT acknowledge he has a gambling addiction, He uses being verbally & mentally abusive as weapons & last time he tried to throw me out of our home! He even went as far as going to grab me to do so, this confrontation was witnessed by my best friend!! No one other than my 2 youngest & I have witnessed him like this until this last confrontation, which he started!!
I'm NOT scared of him anymore! In fact I'm sick of him & his lies & abuse. I even tried to get him to go to a GA meeting but he refuses to acknowledge any of things he's done/doing or admit he's actually got a problem!
Which leads me to my current position & where I'm literally stuck!
Our present home is under a TA that names my husband & my eldest son (as they both work & I do not)! So over the last few months I've been trying to find out how I stand legally. It turns out I can't throw my husband out as he's the legal Tenant. But he can me!! I also cannot claim HB even if he left on his own accord as I'm NOT named on TA. I double checked all this via our Council Housing & Benefits sections.
So I then looked at privately renting a house for my sons & I. I rang around 8/9 letting agents & ALL off them have said "working Tenants only" & NO DHSS Whatever the story maybe!! And as I don't work I can't rent a property in my own name! I can using either my husband or sons BUT I can't claim HB as I'm NOT a named Tenant!!! I do not see why my 2 working sons should have to pay my rent as I'm their Mum!
The worst thing is my husband knows exactly how I stand legally as it's come out in a few confrontations! So I'm literally stuck in a toxic marriage which is having a series affect on my health (the stress is taking its toll) & I've got NO way out off this situation! As I can't work again due to my ill health & yet I can't claim HB as I'm not a named Tenant!! It's really messing with my head as I'm stuck in a never ending abusive nightmare which has no end in sight.
There are days I feel like just ending it, just to get away from this situation. Yes I'm stronger now & I'm no longer scared of confronting my husband etc (although it's doesn't do any good as the wanting more money & never ending lies still continue) & we are still sleeping apart & I don't cook for him still (since last august) He does NOTHING to either to repair our situation or even end our marriage! Unbelievably he acts as all is normal, when in fact this situation is about as far from normal as you can get!!
It's taken a toll on our sons, our marriage & my health. I do want out & for my husband to just leave us in peace! But I'm now totally lost as it seems legally I'm totally fu**ked!!
My sincere apologies for the length of my first ever post! I did not set out to make it into the long saga it's become! But this is my life!
Many thanks Ev1!!
My apologies first all for the saga that is my life, right now. But I'm feeling so overwhelmed & I'm lost as to what to do now.
So any help would be gratefully received!
I'm currently married with 4 sons (3 still live at home) & we live in the Private Rental sector. My husband & 2 elder sons work full time, I myself am on IB & DLA due to botched Epidural that left me with Cauda Equina Syndrome & lots of not so lovely medications to take! (whole another saga is this)
So anyways we do not get any HB or CT benefits as we aren't entitled. So I rely on my husbands wages & my benefits to live upon.
Now the issues I have are;
I became seriously ill after the trauma of a botched epidural & subsequent major spinal surgery, that left me with Cauda Equina Syndrome. This is turn led to PTSD & Psychosis! So for a few years I'd checked out on life & my family by hiding away in my bedroom. So in fact my husband had control of everything from our children to our finances etc etc.
I then to everyone's surprise turned a corner & started to join life again. It was not too long after that my "real nightmare" began.** (skipping onwards to join time line below)
My husband is a verbally, mentally abusive coward who has extremely serious gambling issues! Which he does not & will not acknowledge. I only found out about it approx **5 years ago when we were illegally evicted from our home (as he stole the rent money without my knowledge) & we all ended up living in a 2 bed caravan that wasn't fit for a dog lest alone a family! (There's more to this but is the bare bones) I had also discovered just before the illegal eviction that my husband had stolen all our savings & my jewellery along with his also going missing! Cue big confrontation which was never resolved due to our homelessness, but we had an *agreement to be going on with!!
Anyways we lived in this tin box nightmare for just over 2 years & it had a very profound affect on one of my sons & myself! (I.E no life & depression was our friend) It was only the fact my eldest son moved back in with us that finally got us into a new house with proper facilities etc.
During all this time my husband would continue to tap me for more & more money, using fantastical stories (which I only discovered afterwards) as after our first big confrontation (as above*), it was agreed that he would have no access to our bank accounts & he agreed to a certain amount of money each week! So then the lies began with the fantastical stories about what & why he needed extra money.......
I was too scared of confronting him again but we fought a great deal, always over money!! I.E him wanting more & me saying no! But I still couldn't confront him about his Gambling issues as I actually have no proof at all. Apart from his never ending lies & gut feeling. As he's not a drinker or into drugs etc.
I then found out he had a secret bank account (as the statement came to our address) & upon checking his internet history on pc it's full of pages after pages of betting & gambling sites. There's race results & the like & it goes back month after month (as I save my Internet history for 999 days). I've also seen betting slips & bank Withdrawl slips for his not so secret bank account!! And I for over 2 years kept it all to myself & let him continue to lie to me for more money all the time.
I felt like I was in this on my own & then one day I found Gamblers Anonymous. I used their Counselling services as a partner to a Gambler & they after listening to me, confirmed my fears about his secret gambling. I spent over 9 mths having GA counselling & I stopped it in the end as I was getting no where. I was still too scared to confront him & this was always the place I got stuck on.
And then one day approx 20 mths ago 2 of my sons confessed that my husband had been asking them for money (whilst saying NOT to tell your mum) Which hit me hard! I in turn spoke to my 3rd son (who doesn't live with us) & got a complete horror story from him about money he'd also given to my husband! It added up into a few £1000s!!!!
So I told all my 3 elder sons to no longer give him money under no circumstances as I would no longer pay it back!!
This had made me so angry as not only had my husband lied & stolen from me, he was now also using our 3 sons to fund his Gambling habit!! (There's also been loans etc his had all unbeknownst to me)!
And yet I still wasn't strong enough to confront him!
It was one w/end last August that finally made me go over the edge! (This involved a massive big lie, our youngest son & my husbands ex wife). I waited for him to get back from his w/end away & I told him to meet me outside his work place. Cue a big massive confrontation (which I recorded for my protection) & whilst I remained calm as I could he was so abusive towards me that it ended up with my leaving stood on the pavement & me driving off as he threw rocks at me!!
From that day onwards I was no longer scared of him & his abusive ways! It ended up that I would not sleep in same room as him nor cook for him. (This is still like this nearly 10 mths later) I have also confronted him on at least 8 separate occasions now re his lies, gambling issues & everything else that's he's never answered for!
He still will NOT acknowledge he has a gambling addiction, He uses being verbally & mentally abusive as weapons & last time he tried to throw me out of our home! He even went as far as going to grab me to do so, this confrontation was witnessed by my best friend!! No one other than my 2 youngest & I have witnessed him like this until this last confrontation, which he started!!
I'm NOT scared of him anymore! In fact I'm sick of him & his lies & abuse. I even tried to get him to go to a GA meeting but he refuses to acknowledge any of things he's done/doing or admit he's actually got a problem!
Which leads me to my current position & where I'm literally stuck!
Our present home is under a TA that names my husband & my eldest son (as they both work & I do not)! So over the last few months I've been trying to find out how I stand legally. It turns out I can't throw my husband out as he's the legal Tenant. But he can me!! I also cannot claim HB even if he left on his own accord as I'm NOT named on TA. I double checked all this via our Council Housing & Benefits sections.
So I then looked at privately renting a house for my sons & I. I rang around 8/9 letting agents & ALL off them have said "working Tenants only" & NO DHSS Whatever the story maybe!! And as I don't work I can't rent a property in my own name! I can using either my husband or sons BUT I can't claim HB as I'm NOT a named Tenant!!! I do not see why my 2 working sons should have to pay my rent as I'm their Mum!
The worst thing is my husband knows exactly how I stand legally as it's come out in a few confrontations! So I'm literally stuck in a toxic marriage which is having a series affect on my health (the stress is taking its toll) & I've got NO way out off this situation! As I can't work again due to my ill health & yet I can't claim HB as I'm not a named Tenant!! It's really messing with my head as I'm stuck in a never ending abusive nightmare which has no end in sight.
There are days I feel like just ending it, just to get away from this situation. Yes I'm stronger now & I'm no longer scared of confronting my husband etc (although it's doesn't do any good as the wanting more money & never ending lies still continue) & we are still sleeping apart & I don't cook for him still (since last august) He does NOTHING to either to repair our situation or even end our marriage! Unbelievably he acts as all is normal, when in fact this situation is about as far from normal as you can get!!
It's taken a toll on our sons, our marriage & my health. I do want out & for my husband to just leave us in peace! But I'm now totally lost as it seems legally I'm totally fu**ked!!
My sincere apologies for the length of my first ever post! I did not set out to make it into the long saga it's become! But this is my life!
Many thanks Ev1!!
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