Abusive cousin - is a non molestation order the way to go?

[askyfullofstars]

I posted here for advice about this a while ago, but basically I have a cousin who is kicking off about not being able to be the decision maker for my brothers care. My brother has mild to moderate learning difficulties.

He believes that as he is just around the corner from my brother that he should be allowed to make decisions for him. My brother got himself into a situation earlier in the year and was placed in emergency care, in a care home. Cousin knew about this place through work and drove him there, asked them to keep him there and drove off…..the care home took care of everything, liaising with social services to arrange for him to stay there until his need had been assessed. They have now done this and assessed that he needs to be in supported living, there are one of three complexes of flats with a main reception and carers there 24 hours a day to assist with medication and personal care, but as he has own living space he will have a bit more independence.

He wants this, he lived independently before (though not in a supported living complex, just in a flat by himself), and he is quite happy to have a bit of independence back and to have his own space. We (myself and DB2) are currently agreeing a care plan with Social Services. Cousin is kicking off as he thinks he needs to stay where he is as he has improved since being there, and he argues that despite him not giving a shit about my brother for 20 years that he should take my place as a co-decision maker in my brothers care (I live 140 miles away). I have grown up with my brother, cared for him and always been there for him. Always.

But cousin is saying that as he did the legwork (er he dumped him at a care home and they did the legwork). That he should be the one to make all the decisions. Social services have agreed this course of action is best, my brother is positive about it, the manager at the care home has agreed that supported living is more suitable for him, so we are supporting him. Cousin realises that there is nothing he can do and he is losing his shit. DB has asked the care home to not let him in any more until he has settled down because he frightens him. Cousin has now come to the conclusion that I have come down, turned everyone against him and got him banned from the home.

He is now threatening me with physical violence. This started on facebook where they have threatened to “knock me out” said that “Karma is a bitch and so is she (that’s me), I hope she gets whats coming to her” .

I had initially blocked him from all communications phone/social media/everything and only found out about this someone messaged me they were worried about my safety.

He has since deleted these posts though I have screenshots. He has also been kicking off about me to other people in a violent way.

Now, he does live a fair distance from me, but has had to be restrained from getting on the motorway and coming to “sort things out” with me. Now I live near a seaside town, a place I know he is coming for a holiday in a few weeks and I am terrified. He is unhinged and getting angrier at me by the day I don’t want him anywhere near me or my family. I had already ,made the decision when he started kicking off at me that if he turned up at my house would call the police, but after discovering these threats yesterday I called the police on 101. I have to go into a station on Friday and make an official statement and show them everything I have got.

I feel really nervous, but know I am doing the right thing. He is unhinged. He is so angry and unpredictable that somewhere along the way he managed to get himself from two parks in the area and the school where his kids go (due to various altercations with the teaching staff and other students parents), but I do worry that they just wont do anything and I will end up with this man on my doorstep unable to do anything.

Would it be worth me looking into getting a non molestation order?

I feel so bloody helpless.

[Peridot]

Re: Abusive cousin - is a non molestation order the way to go?

Hi askyfullofstars,
What a worry for you. It is never easy in situations such as this, but you are doing the right thing by reporting to the police. Currently without any reports having been made previously, it is unlikely you would be successful in obtaining a non-molestation order.
However, this will change provided you have created the 'paper trail' You have contacted the police who will meet with you and consider the issue. Threats and actions are unfortunately very different and of course dealt with differently depending on he severity of course, but it all adds to the case for obtaining an order in the future, if needs be. I would let the police know when your cousin is expected in town so if you do have to call them because he has arrived and is threatening, they know this isn't something to be ignored and will hopefully attend quickly.
Of course in the event he does appear at your home, I wouldn't let him in and call the police. I would also suggest keeping a record so if it becomes necessary to apply for a non-molestation order you have all the facts in front of you for your application.
Let's hope that there are no shenanigans, but if there are then call the police immediately.

[askyfullofstars]

Re: Abusive cousin - is a non molestation order the way to go?

Unfortunately it's not very likely to be an idle threat as my brother has already had to restrain him from coming to my house.. .so if he's going yo be here anyway.. ..
He also has a conditional discharge for assaulting a woman so he's not above walloping me. Is it worth mentioning that to the police? Or won't it matter that it didn't happen to me?
For info.. ..his wife got drunk and mouthed off to a woman in the pub. Wasn't expecting her to have a go...lost her bravado and cousin steps in, lunges at this woman and got a punch in before pulled off by the bar man. He wasn't even drunk. He's just crazy.

[askyfullofstars]

Re: Abusive cousin - is a non molestation order the way to go?

And the scary thing is....hes been given a taxi drivers license
I'm never getting a taxi anywhere again.

[askyfullofstars]

Re: Abusive cousin - is a non molestation order the way to go?

Well I had a call from DB3 last night (he is in respite/rehab care as he was paralysed in an accident last year) and cousin went to see him at 10pm the night before last to tell him all about how I'd stabbed him in the back.....DB3 told him I didn't stab him in the back that DB made the decision he wanted cousin to leave him alone and that we are just supporting him.

[Peridot]

Re: Abusive cousin - is a non molestation order the way to go?

Hi again,
I would definitely tell the police the whole story then they are alerted to his past behaviours and if they then hear from you they know to attend quickly. Needless to say I wouldn't open the door should he arrive at the property. I hope it is uneventful but if not you will have reported everything so it can be treated seriously by the police. You can of course apply for the non-molestation order as soon as needed if any event happens thereafter.

[askyfullofstars]

Re: Abusive cousin - is a non molestation order the way to go?

I spoke to the police today, felt really nervous that I wouldnt be taken seriously but they really out my mind at rest.
I went with all the screenshots of all the posts he had made and texts that he had sent to my family (they kindly provided them) Given the threats that he has made to me and his history (I know he has at least one prosecution for assault) and that he has had to be stopped from coming to my house already., they have put a 'mark'(?) on my home so that if he turns up there I can dial 999 and they will come straight away, they have also given me practical tips for keeping safe at work. As my cousin is in a different part of the country they are going to arrange for someone to go and speak to him from his local force.
They also advised that a non molestation order may be the way to go, so I will sort that on Monday. Thank you for the great advice

[Peridot]

Re: Abusive cousin - is a non molestation order the way to go?

Hi,
I am so pleased they were able to put your mind at rest. I suspected they would 'mark' your house so to speak incase they heard anything from you.
Now you have reported things it will be easier to obtain a non molestation order.
Good luck, let's hope his local police will get him to back off a bit.
As ever here if you need us.

[askyfullofstars]

Re: Abusive cousin - is a non molestation order the way to go?

Had a call from the court yesterday. They won't do it as an ex parte hearing so cousin will be invited to court next Tuesday. I was trembling when she told me because he is so volatile he will lose it when he gets the letter (sent it first class last night).

[Peridot]

Re: Abusive cousin - is a non molestation order the way to go?

I know how worrying it can be. You will be ok. Make sure you have someone with you for support.

[askyfullofstars]

Re: Abusive cousin - is a non molestation order the way to go?

Well. We had our first hearing and he of course objected saying he's got piles of evidence to justify what he did....hes apparently got So much evidence it has taken 2 hours to print and has got a senior partner at a law firm to represent him. So the judge set another date for this Wednesday.
In the meantime I remembered that the care home where my brother lives keep detailed notes of visits and conversations with family members and they have in the past told me they have notes detailing abuse he has made toward me.
So I requested a copy of just the notes where he had been to visit and 'kicked off'. They said no due to data protection. So if I wanted it I would have to get a letter from the court. So I sent an email to the court who passed it to a clerk to pass to the DJ.
In the meantime I sought advice from my colleague who is a data protection officer and she sent me the relevant part of the act stating that actually I'm entitled to it.

They then said they had asked my brother how he felt about sharing the information and he said no. It has been passed to adult social care now So any further requests have to go through them So fair enough I agreed to drop it at my brothers request.

However he called me tonight upset that is requested his whole file as there is personal stuff in there from his early stay he doesn't want me to see. However I explained that I don't want all of it just the excerpts of threatening behaviour toward me.
So he said "oh well you can have that"*
So I have just sent SS an email outlining all of the above and copied in the court clerk. It is a massively important piece of evidence from a 3rd party which backs up and supports everything I have said yet it seems completely out of reach.

[Peridot]

Re: Abusive cousin - is a non molestation order the way to go?

Well done, if your brother agrees to those sections being disclosed that is good. It is only the notes relating to the cousin's visits you need. The rest could be redacted before you even see them.

Well done getting through the hearing.

[askyfullofstars]

Re: Abusive cousin - is a non molestation order the way to go?

Brother has now signed a form to say that I can have these files but I suspect the home will still try and refuse them making sure I wait until after he has a mental capacity assessment on Tuesday.
However I argue that they accepted his decision when he said he didn't want to share the files after the wrong information had been given to him. Why can they not accept his decision when the right information is given to him? Surely he cannot be able to make decisions only when it suits them?
Besides we have a consultant report that says he is able to make decisions just not financial ones.

[Peridot]

Re: Abusive cousin - is a non molestation order the way to go?

Hi,
Hang on in there. They have to jump through their hoops to ensure they comply with the Mental Health Act too. As I mentioned above it may take some time to actually get the copies. You can tell the Judge they will be coming if that is the case at the hearing.