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Hi. I hope I have the right area!
I was recently issued a warning for the harassment of my former partner. I had been pursuing a reconciliation with her and she had given me every reason to believe that there was a possibility that, with a bit of application it might be possible.
When we were first in contact again in the first week of January, We asked each other the question as to whether or not we were or had been involved with anyone since we stopped seeing each other at the beginning of November. I had not, and she categorically told me that she had not been either.
She said specifically "I met a guy through work in the week before Christmas, we kissed and haven't seen each other since. He texted me on New Year's Eve and I haven't heard from him since".
We continued to discuss our reconciliation in positive terms and started talking about meeting up, which we never actually did.
2 weeks later, I unintentionally caught her out in a lie about where she was and whom she was with. I physically saw that what she had told me was not true with my own eyes. I challenged her and she continued to lie telling me that I was making things up in my head because I was worried I would blow it with her.
Because I knew I was being lied to, but I trusted this person with whom I was in love and had lived with for 4 years at their word, This did cause a degree of frustration and confusion.
We exchanged texts in which I accused her of lying on the morning after I had caught her out. She was at work and was seen by her boss to be upset. The matter was reported to the Police and they wanted to deal with it as harassment. I was not aware that they had been informed until February 5th when they were called to an incident. I'll come back to that.
On the day she reported this initially, she apparently told the Police that she had not encouraged me in any way in terms of reconciliation and did not want my advances. The Police were shown some text messages, I am not sure which but probably included the ones sent that morning in which she denied lying to me. It is not possible to form an accurate opinion of events only from our texts (I am presuming she hasn't deleted any too!) as we spent a lot of time on the phone and online together with Webcam and chats etc.
Because of the incident that later took place, I have put together all of our texts, online chats and anything else I could find in case I need them.
Contrary to what she's told the Police, they do indeed point to her encouraging my contact and advances.
At no point when she initially reported this to the Police had she told me that she didn't want my advances. In fact she had continued them.
7 days after she reported the matter to the Police (the Police report I didn't yet know about) she confirmed in a couple of messages that she was still needing time to think about reconciling with me and our conversations and my advances continued.
3 days later we met to sort some admin from our previous relationship. During that time we discussed us again and she confirmed that she was happy to move forward with me and try to see if we could get back together.
On the 2nd of February, out of the blue she told she didn't want to pursue anything with me any further.
It was a bit of a shock, there was some denial. There were texts begging her to change her mind.
We discussed things further and she said she was concerned over two issues. I resolved both of these issues to what appeared to be her satisfaction on the 4th February and we had a conversation where she told me again that "now that we have sorted that out I feel that we are on a much clearer path." I said to "starting to try to be back together again?". She said "yes".
The following day, 5th Feb I had been invited for lunch at her house to sort some finances and just whatever else came up.
On the way down from texts and phone calls it appeared once again that she wasn't where or with whom she said she was. I was anxious again as I knew, as I kind of had throughout, that she was lying about something. I couldn't ever have believed it was what in the end it turned out to be!
I had asked her on a number of occasions throughout the previous weeks asked very specific questions as to whether she was seeing anyone, or perhaps if the chap from "before Christmas" had come back on the scene. She always vehemently denied that there was anyone and even gave quite elaborate answers.
When I got to the house I knocked on the outer door, but no reply, so I did my usual thing of opening that one and knocking on the inner door. She answered and I asked what was going on. She replied nothing. And I said I didn't believe her. I told her my suspicions that she was with somebody else, and again and again, she vehemently denied that there was anybody else.
At this point the phone rang. There was a short cryptic conversation, we carried on talking and 5 minutes later a Police Officer arrived.
I don't believe that the Police entrapped me. But I do believe after what I discovered has been going on this week that my former partner has been keeping that initial meeting with the Police on the 15th Jan in her head to pull out as a Joker whenever she felt like it.
On the way down I texted and called and gave her the opportunity to tell me not to bother coming. I just felt I was being lied to about something unknown and was a bit tired of it all! She declined to reply to either.
I think she always intended to call the Police during this visit.
She has told me since that they wanted to talk to me because of what she had told them on the 15th Jan, which as you will see, if you haven't already, is not entirely or perhaps even wholly accurate.
The Officer said that he understood I had no business being in the house. I said I had been invited.
My partner confirmed this. Whoever had called them either lied, or hadn't been told by my former partner that I had been invited.
The two of them went into another room and I could hear her whispering a mixture of truth and untruths about what had happened.
She told him I'd been coming to the house at all hours of the day and night banging on doors and windows. This is ABSOLUTE fantasy. I have only ever come when invited and in daylight hours! (Kind of irrelevant but, apart from anything else I live 2 and a half hours away)
She told him of the matter reported to the Police on the 15th January. This was the first I knew about Police involvement then.
She showed him a couple of texts that were presumably those which she showed the Police on the 15th Jan, so were somewhat out of context.
When they returned, the Officer told my former partner to say what she had just told him. She said "I have never had any interest in reconciling with you. I only wanted to talk about money. I have never encouraged your advances".
So if you take it as read that what I have written above is truthful, and that I have evidence to the contrary of what she claims, she has now lied to a Police Officer as well hasn't she?
She obviously told him this as she was asked to repeat it.
The Officer said in the circumstances he would have to give me a warning for harassment. That was his only option as he had to take some form of positive action before leaving. I asked and he said it would not appear on a CRB check. At that stage I just wanted to get out of the house and away from my former partner.
So I agreed to it. (I have never received anything in writing)
The terms of the agreement were that we were only able to talk about money and that had to be via my solicitor. I put a third party who is a lawyer in between us for a couple of weeks. In that time we agreed to start talking directly again.
Since then we had been talking about reconciliation again, met in a hotel to discuss various things and she even asked me on a date and arranged to spend a couple of days with me at my house.
The last two things never happened, in fact it turns out the last 3 months have been total fantasy.
I found out for the first time last week that she has been in a relationship with the same guy since October 12th last year!!!
This also means that we were both sleeping with her at the end of October. There is another guy involved as well and he stretches back into earlier in 2010 but that's another matter.
In fact, myself and my former partner started talking again about reconciliation a couple of days before it turns out she changed her "Facebook Status" to "In a Relationship" with this guy on the 9th Jan. The same day she'd told me when I was getting a bit nervous "Don't worry, you'll always have me".
My questions are these:
1. Given that the ENTIRE course of events since we started talking at the beginning of January ONLY happened because she had lied about being in a relationship with someone (had I known, I would NEVER have pursued her at all), and her lies have therefore led me to a "course of conduct" that the Police find unacceptable, is it possible that I can take any action have the Warning removed, even if it means incriminating her in the process?
Incidentally she claims the Police knew that she had not told me she was in a relationship and that they were happy to continue and, she says, she had to talk them out of arresting me on the 15th when it was initially reported. I can't believe the Police would allow themselves to be complicit with another person's dishonesty. Surely the advice would be, "if you've not told him, you should - If with the knowledge that you are in a relationship with someone else he continues to pursue you, then we can take action"? I have put it to her that perhaps telling the Police she hasn't told me she is in a relationship, might be construed by them as being different to telling the Police she has lied when I have ASKED if she is in a relationship or seeing anybody?
2. The fact that she has lied over and over again about being with someone else, and has allowed me to pursue her for 3 months when simply her telling the truth at any point (but preferably the start!) would have stopped me dead in my tracks, has meant I have suffered an enormous amount stress and anxiety, upset and distress for no reason - None of what we talked about could EVER have happened. She was already happily with someone and still is. Further my name has been defamed through her continued lying about my character to her friends, colleagues and the Police of course to whom she has insisted she is being pursued by some kind of psychotic. As I say these lies have led to me being involved with the Police for the first time in my life - Is there any way for me to involve the Police in action against her? I'm thinking Harassment or at least Wasting Police time. I don't want to put words in anyone's mouths. What do you think?
I truly don't understand her motives, and as, clearly, I can't believe a word she says, I probably won't ever find out the truth. She's so stubborn in her lying when challenged (always has been), that I reckon she'd be quite happy to perjure herself in Court.
She claims the deception was about money and her worry that if she told me about her new relationship. I would stop paying for our commitments. That would be understandable had I stopped in the past, but everything was up to date.
Anyway, thank you for reading my rewrite of War and Peace. I would really appreciate any advice in this matter.
Thank you.
I was recently issued a warning for the harassment of my former partner. I had been pursuing a reconciliation with her and she had given me every reason to believe that there was a possibility that, with a bit of application it might be possible.
When we were first in contact again in the first week of January, We asked each other the question as to whether or not we were or had been involved with anyone since we stopped seeing each other at the beginning of November. I had not, and she categorically told me that she had not been either.
She said specifically "I met a guy through work in the week before Christmas, we kissed and haven't seen each other since. He texted me on New Year's Eve and I haven't heard from him since".
We continued to discuss our reconciliation in positive terms and started talking about meeting up, which we never actually did.
2 weeks later, I unintentionally caught her out in a lie about where she was and whom she was with. I physically saw that what she had told me was not true with my own eyes. I challenged her and she continued to lie telling me that I was making things up in my head because I was worried I would blow it with her.
Because I knew I was being lied to, but I trusted this person with whom I was in love and had lived with for 4 years at their word, This did cause a degree of frustration and confusion.
We exchanged texts in which I accused her of lying on the morning after I had caught her out. She was at work and was seen by her boss to be upset. The matter was reported to the Police and they wanted to deal with it as harassment. I was not aware that they had been informed until February 5th when they were called to an incident. I'll come back to that.
On the day she reported this initially, she apparently told the Police that she had not encouraged me in any way in terms of reconciliation and did not want my advances. The Police were shown some text messages, I am not sure which but probably included the ones sent that morning in which she denied lying to me. It is not possible to form an accurate opinion of events only from our texts (I am presuming she hasn't deleted any too!) as we spent a lot of time on the phone and online together with Webcam and chats etc.
Because of the incident that later took place, I have put together all of our texts, online chats and anything else I could find in case I need them.
Contrary to what she's told the Police, they do indeed point to her encouraging my contact and advances.
At no point when she initially reported this to the Police had she told me that she didn't want my advances. In fact she had continued them.
7 days after she reported the matter to the Police (the Police report I didn't yet know about) she confirmed in a couple of messages that she was still needing time to think about reconciling with me and our conversations and my advances continued.
3 days later we met to sort some admin from our previous relationship. During that time we discussed us again and she confirmed that she was happy to move forward with me and try to see if we could get back together.
On the 2nd of February, out of the blue she told she didn't want to pursue anything with me any further.
It was a bit of a shock, there was some denial. There were texts begging her to change her mind.
We discussed things further and she said she was concerned over two issues. I resolved both of these issues to what appeared to be her satisfaction on the 4th February and we had a conversation where she told me again that "now that we have sorted that out I feel that we are on a much clearer path." I said to "starting to try to be back together again?". She said "yes".
The following day, 5th Feb I had been invited for lunch at her house to sort some finances and just whatever else came up.
On the way down from texts and phone calls it appeared once again that she wasn't where or with whom she said she was. I was anxious again as I knew, as I kind of had throughout, that she was lying about something. I couldn't ever have believed it was what in the end it turned out to be!
I had asked her on a number of occasions throughout the previous weeks asked very specific questions as to whether she was seeing anyone, or perhaps if the chap from "before Christmas" had come back on the scene. She always vehemently denied that there was anyone and even gave quite elaborate answers.
When I got to the house I knocked on the outer door, but no reply, so I did my usual thing of opening that one and knocking on the inner door. She answered and I asked what was going on. She replied nothing. And I said I didn't believe her. I told her my suspicions that she was with somebody else, and again and again, she vehemently denied that there was anybody else.
At this point the phone rang. There was a short cryptic conversation, we carried on talking and 5 minutes later a Police Officer arrived.
I don't believe that the Police entrapped me. But I do believe after what I discovered has been going on this week that my former partner has been keeping that initial meeting with the Police on the 15th Jan in her head to pull out as a Joker whenever she felt like it.
On the way down I texted and called and gave her the opportunity to tell me not to bother coming. I just felt I was being lied to about something unknown and was a bit tired of it all! She declined to reply to either.
I think she always intended to call the Police during this visit.
She has told me since that they wanted to talk to me because of what she had told them on the 15th Jan, which as you will see, if you haven't already, is not entirely or perhaps even wholly accurate.
The Officer said that he understood I had no business being in the house. I said I had been invited.
My partner confirmed this. Whoever had called them either lied, or hadn't been told by my former partner that I had been invited.
The two of them went into another room and I could hear her whispering a mixture of truth and untruths about what had happened.
She told him I'd been coming to the house at all hours of the day and night banging on doors and windows. This is ABSOLUTE fantasy. I have only ever come when invited and in daylight hours! (Kind of irrelevant but, apart from anything else I live 2 and a half hours away)
She told him of the matter reported to the Police on the 15th January. This was the first I knew about Police involvement then.
She showed him a couple of texts that were presumably those which she showed the Police on the 15th Jan, so were somewhat out of context.
When they returned, the Officer told my former partner to say what she had just told him. She said "I have never had any interest in reconciling with you. I only wanted to talk about money. I have never encouraged your advances".
So if you take it as read that what I have written above is truthful, and that I have evidence to the contrary of what she claims, she has now lied to a Police Officer as well hasn't she?
She obviously told him this as she was asked to repeat it.
The Officer said in the circumstances he would have to give me a warning for harassment. That was his only option as he had to take some form of positive action before leaving. I asked and he said it would not appear on a CRB check. At that stage I just wanted to get out of the house and away from my former partner.
So I agreed to it. (I have never received anything in writing)
The terms of the agreement were that we were only able to talk about money and that had to be via my solicitor. I put a third party who is a lawyer in between us for a couple of weeks. In that time we agreed to start talking directly again.
Since then we had been talking about reconciliation again, met in a hotel to discuss various things and she even asked me on a date and arranged to spend a couple of days with me at my house.
The last two things never happened, in fact it turns out the last 3 months have been total fantasy.
I found out for the first time last week that she has been in a relationship with the same guy since October 12th last year!!!
This also means that we were both sleeping with her at the end of October. There is another guy involved as well and he stretches back into earlier in 2010 but that's another matter.
In fact, myself and my former partner started talking again about reconciliation a couple of days before it turns out she changed her "Facebook Status" to "In a Relationship" with this guy on the 9th Jan. The same day she'd told me when I was getting a bit nervous "Don't worry, you'll always have me".
My questions are these:
1. Given that the ENTIRE course of events since we started talking at the beginning of January ONLY happened because she had lied about being in a relationship with someone (had I known, I would NEVER have pursued her at all), and her lies have therefore led me to a "course of conduct" that the Police find unacceptable, is it possible that I can take any action have the Warning removed, even if it means incriminating her in the process?
Incidentally she claims the Police knew that she had not told me she was in a relationship and that they were happy to continue and, she says, she had to talk them out of arresting me on the 15th when it was initially reported. I can't believe the Police would allow themselves to be complicit with another person's dishonesty. Surely the advice would be, "if you've not told him, you should - If with the knowledge that you are in a relationship with someone else he continues to pursue you, then we can take action"? I have put it to her that perhaps telling the Police she hasn't told me she is in a relationship, might be construed by them as being different to telling the Police she has lied when I have ASKED if she is in a relationship or seeing anybody?
2. The fact that she has lied over and over again about being with someone else, and has allowed me to pursue her for 3 months when simply her telling the truth at any point (but preferably the start!) would have stopped me dead in my tracks, has meant I have suffered an enormous amount stress and anxiety, upset and distress for no reason - None of what we talked about could EVER have happened. She was already happily with someone and still is. Further my name has been defamed through her continued lying about my character to her friends, colleagues and the Police of course to whom she has insisted she is being pursued by some kind of psychotic. As I say these lies have led to me being involved with the Police for the first time in my life - Is there any way for me to involve the Police in action against her? I'm thinking Harassment or at least Wasting Police time. I don't want to put words in anyone's mouths. What do you think?
I truly don't understand her motives, and as, clearly, I can't believe a word she says, I probably won't ever find out the truth. She's so stubborn in her lying when challenged (always has been), that I reckon she'd be quite happy to perjure herself in Court.
She claims the deception was about money and her worry that if she told me about her new relationship. I would stop paying for our commitments. That would be understandable had I stopped in the past, but everything was up to date.
Anyway, thank you for reading my rewrite of War and Peace. I would really appreciate any advice in this matter.
Thank you.
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