Very worried about my sister

[gwenlillian]

I don't know if there is anything I can do? I visited my sister who I had not seen for several years, and was shocked. She is desperately underweight, like 6 stone or less, and seems confused. She lost her husband about two years ago and now lives on her own in her own house. I have now heard from another sister, that she was asked to sign paperwork, to transfer her rights on the property to her children, who now pay her pocket money to live on. She has also been turning off her lights and heating to save costs, but has probably inherited her own house. I presume she has a pension, being in her seventies, and has or had an income from her late husband - not sure. I just can't understand why she is struggling when her children are supposedly visiting regularly and running all accounts for her. I really think she should see a doctor or even be in hospital, as she has a history of weight loss/dietry issues. She has always been extremely shy, unable to cope with a lot of things, and relies on others. It is hard to explain, as I can't understand how her children cannot see how seriously thin she is. I don't think I have any rights as her sister to step in either?? Or do I? any advice would be welcome. thanks.

[des8]

Do I detect an undercurrent of concern of abuse to your sister, who would seem to be vulnerable?

Do you know if her children have an LPA?

I know that Social Services often get a bad press, but I would suggest you contact the Social Services dept of her local council and let them know of your concerns.
They should be able to go and visit her and assess her condition and needs.

[slainte caragh]

I don't know if there is anything I can do? I visited my sister who I had not seen for several years, and was shocked. She is desperately underweight, like 6 stone or less, and seems confused.
As a support worker, this is worrying, can you and your other sister arrange a GP home visit, I know it's hard but if you mention the words Safeguarding concerns, this might hurry them up.

She lost her husband about two years ago and now lives on her own in her own house. I have now heard from another sister, that she was asked to sign paperwork, to transfer her rights on the property to her children, who now pay her pocket money to live on.
I would query this too, under the Mental Capacity Act. Your mental capacity can fluctuate, grief is a big factor in this. If she did not have capacity to agree to this arrangement, or still does not, you can get the Court of Protection involved..

She has also been turning off her lights and heating to save costs, but has probably inherited her own house. I presume she has a pension, being in her seventies, and has or had an income from her late husband - not sure. I just can't understand why she is struggling when her children are supposedly visiting regularly and running all accounts for her.
Ok, now I am very worried, this to me sounds like financial abuse. As des8 said, have they got power of attorney? I would be asking to see where all her money is going. I fully agree with Des, call in Social Services. Use the words "Safeguarding concerns" and they will move like lightning.


I really think she should see a doctor or even be in hospital, as she has a history of weight loss/dietry issues. She has always been extremely shy, unable to cope with a lot of things, and relies on others. It is hard to explain, as I can't understand how her children cannot see how seriously thin she is. I don't think I have any rights as her sister to step in either?? Or do I? any advice would be welcome. thanks.

My comments are as always in green, however you may have noticed I highlighted part of your quote in red. Under the Care Act 2014, it is a LEGAL REQUIREMENT for anyone (family, friend, care worker, social worker, doctor etc) who believes there is any form of abuse occurring to report it. Not to do so can result in a criminal prosecution.

This is called Safeguarding Adults, every council will have a specialist team who deal with this, and they are lovely!

There are several levels of abuse, financial abuse can be as simple as using the person's money to pay your own bills without consent. If she has always had money and now is living off "pocket money" this to me is ringing alarm bells. If your sister (and I am by no way saying she doesn't) doesn't have capacity to deal with her own financial affairs, she can give POA to a 3rd party, this does not give them the right to squander her money or restrict her access to it. She should have had an assessment to see if she has capacity to take care of her own finances and there should be written evidence of this. The assessment should also be checked every 12 months to check her capacity has not changed.

The weight loss is incredibly concerning. Why is she so thin? This could be because she is forgetting to eat (why are her children not ensuring she does?) or that she has no money to buy food (where is her money?)
If her children are not ensuring she has food, heat and that she is eating, this could be classed as neglect. If she has food in, is being reminded to eat and is choosing not to do so, this can be classed as Self Neglect. She would be assessed to see if she had capacity to know what she was doing and given support.

I advise getting the doctor, social services and your other sister involved to find out what is going on. SHE WILL NOT LOSE HER HOME!!!! Even if she has issues where she forgets to eat, in the majority of cases where someone is in their own home they are encouraged to stay there. It helps independence and quality of life.

You are an amazing sister, I will be here if you need to talk

Callie <3

[2222]

Before calling in the SS, it would be a great idea to talk to the children, to see what they say.

[slainte caragh]

Professionally speaking, in a circumstance where someone is losing weight, seems to have no money despite having an income, is scrimping and saving to basic needs like light and heat and has someone else in charge of finances, I would forgo speaking to family and go to SS.

Every fibre in my body is screaming at me that this is more than meets the eye, even if everything is fine the OPs sister needs more support than she is getting, and it doesn't seem to me like this is being addressed by the children.

[2222]

Professionally speaking, in a circumstance where someone is losing weight, seems to have no money despite having an income, is scrimping and saving to basic needs like light and heat and has someone else in charge of finances, I would forgo speaking to family and go to SS.

Every fibre in my body is screaming at me that this is more than meets the eye, even if everything is fine the OPs sister needs more support than she is getting, and it doesn't seem to me like this is being addressed by the children.

My personal experience is as follows:

My aunt had plenty of money, but she saved quite a bit of her pension each month, and she refused to spend anything on herself. She had always been extremely careful with money, but she took that to extremes as she got older. She would never have the heating on, for example. In the winter, she would get chilblains, but she just regarded this as what happened in winter. It was often colder inside the house than outside.

And her home was literally falling to bits, but she refused to have workmen in. She had a tremendous collection of secondhand mugs, which was absolutely fine except that she insisted on storing them on the staircase. All this created a hazard for visitors as well as herself.

My MIL developed vascular dementia, and one side effect of that was that she developed anorexia. She got down to 6 stone, but refused to eat. We used to have daily arguments about this when she came to live with us for a while, but she could not be persuaded. I suppose that if it had got much worse, she'd have been sectioned. The problem was not keeping SS at bay, at all. Apart from sending someone round to install grab rails, they were simply not interested.

In both cases, the elders were able to make decisions for themselves, nobody was stealing their money, and they simply chose to make really bad decisions. I am sure that, in both cases, a hypothetical sister turning up after a few years' absence would have been shocked in exactly the same way GwenWilliam was.

Of course, it's very worrying, but it's a bit of a kick in the teeth for the relatives on the spot - who may well have been doing their best in the face of opposition from the person they were trying to help - for the out-of-town sister to report them to the SS without even hearing their side of it. If they take umbrage and walk off the (unpaid) job, so to speak, the elder is going to be far, far worse off.

I'm not saying there isn't cause for concern, just that a bit of tact might be a really, really good idea.

[slainte caragh]

Since 2014, it is a legal requirement for someone with concerns for the wellbeing of someone classed as "vulnerable" to the appropriate authorities.

If any abuse is occurring,and has not been reported, it can result in a criminal prosecution. Self neglect (not washing, eating, not using heating etc) is a type of abuse and needs to be looked in to. The first thing is to check the person has capacity to make these changes.

As a care proffesional I have concerns about this individual and would be remiss in my job to not give the advice of go to SS and report it. Be 100% certain that Sister is ok.

As a daughter, I would rather have SS on my door 1000000 times to false alarms than have my mum taken advantage of for 1 second.

[gwenlillian]

HI and sorry it has taken me a while to get back to this thread. I did some research online and I found that I could make contact with a safeguarding team, but then felt it would be stepping on the toes of the daughters. I also had a look at how my sister came to sign documents about her finances, and I hear that it was decided by the family (her family) that she was not competent to manage money and an arrangement was put in place. I don't know the details but, I do know that before the husband passed away he told me on the telephone that if anything happened to her, he would not inform any of our family. There was 'bad feeling' on the husband's side mainly based on racism, but that's another story, as they say. (Also the reason for not being able to maintain contact.) I looked up some info on giving rights to your family and I saw that the person that it involves should also have input from their own family, or at the least be listed on the forms, which implied we would have received notificaton, and since we did not, they must have said that she had no sisters. I recall my sister saying that she had to sign solicitors papers and that it was very important that she did it, and I was concerned without having any real prospect of questioning what was going on. The husband also said that he was passing all powers to his eldest daughter, which appears to be the case. Prior to this, a few years earlier, the husband had asked the local GP to "do something about her!" but the GP declined to make any declarations about her mental health. He felt that she was perfectly capable of living a 'normal' life. Having grown up with my sister, she went on holidays abroad, held down a job, helped out at home etc, and yet during her marriage has been declared by her husband to be unable to do the shopping, go to work, drive a car, and so on. So, between the miserable life I feel she has had, and her own OCD behaviours, she has become isolated. Coming back to now, and her weight loss, I am told that the GP diagnosed her to have malnutrition over a year ago and prescribed 'special drinks'. Living alone there is no-one to ensure that she is following advice, I do think she is depressed and lonely. The general opinion is that any steps taken by the sisters would be unwelcome and risk her being removed to hospital or moved into care, both of which she is extremely fearful of. Bit stuck with what to do for the best. My other sister has managed to make contact with the eldest daughter who simply states that she (her mother) can do things if she wants to. This seems to reveal a total lack of understanding of the condition and the real risk to survival. It is very sad to see that she has no incling of her position or how she was treated and has nothing to compare with I suppose. thank you very much for all of your posts and advice. I will carry on being a pest to them.

[2222]

Lots of elderly people are lonely and depressed, I'm afraid. With that goes a lack of looking after themselves. Even basic stuff like eating. It's possible SS could help with this by providing home carers for a few hours a week. You could discuss it with her immediate family. It's possible that your sister has already been offered this and turned it down!

As as far as her physical condition goes, she might well be better off in a home. But mentally she might be even worse off. In any case, you say she does not want to go, and her wishes must be respected. Uprooting someone with OCD from her surroundings should not be done lightly.

What you can do is visit her as often as you are able. That might help cheer her up and make her less lonely.

I'm afraid my view is rather fatalistic, as you can see. There's only so much you can do, and no magic solution that will sort it out.

[slainte caragh]

Lots of elderly people are lonely anAd depressed, I'm afraid. With that goes a lack of looking after themselves. Even basic stuff like eating. It's possible SS could help with this by providing home carers for a few hours a week. You could discuss it with her immediate family. It's possible that your sister has already been offered this and turned it down!
Bang on, it's actually encouraged for people to remain in their own homes rather than to go in to hospital. SS can do an evaluation at home and recommend home care as long as the person has capacity to agree to it.

As as far as her physical condition goes, she might well be better off in a home. But mentally she might be even worse off. In any case, you say she does not want to go, and her wishes must be respected. Uprooting someone with OCD from her surroundings should not be done lightly.
This would only be done in a case where the person hasn't got capacity to make that decision. It would require a Deprivation of Liberties, which are a pain in the backside and avoided as much as possible.

What you can do is visit her as often as you are able. That might help cheer her up and make her less lonely.

I'm afraid my view is rather fatalistic, as you can see. There's only so much you can do, and no magic solution that will sort it out.

As normal,my comments are in green. you are bang on. Care would be better homebased and the normal thing to do is to encourage independence.
If the OP can visit, then at least you know the drinks are being provided and she is eating something.

[slainte caragh]

HI and sorry it has taken me a while to get back to this thread. I did some research online and I found that I could make contact with a safeguarding team, but then felt it would be stepping on the toes of the daughters. I also had a look at how my sister came to sign documents about her finances, and I hear that it was decided by the family (her family) that she was not competent to manage money and an arrangement was put in place.
I would still be inclined to bring in Safeguarding, this arrangement needs to be checked and proved to be right. You can safegaurd anonymusly. Also ask when this was done, and was the decision in line with the MCA? If not,sister needs to be put back in charge of the money.

I don't know the details but, I do know that before the husband passed away he told me on the telephone that if anything happened to her, he would not inform any of our family. There was 'bad feeling' on the husband's side mainly based on racism, but that's another story, as they say. (Also the reason for not being able to maintain contact.) I looked up some info on giving rights to your family and I saw that the person that it involves should also have input from their own family, or at the least be listed on the forms, which implied we would have received notificaton, and since we did not, they must have said that she had no sisters.
Or this was not done correctly, and the daughters have no legal responsibility over the money. The SS can put in a query.


I recall my sister saying that she had to sign solicitors papers and that it was very important that she did it, and I was concerned without having any real prospect of questioning what was going on. The husband also said that he was passing all powers to his eldest daughter, which appears to be the case. Prior to this, a few years earlier, the husband had asked the local GP to "do something about her!" but the GP declined to make any declarations about her mental health. He felt that she was perfectly capable of living a 'normal' life.
In this case, if your sister was found to have capacity, I would be definately be ringing alarm bells about potential neglect and financial abuse.


Having grown up with my sister, she went on holidays abroad, held down a job, helped out at home etc, and yet during her marriage has been declared by her husband to be unable to do the shopping, go to work, drive a car, and so on. So, between the miserable life I feel she has had, and her own OCD behaviours, she has become isolated.
Unfortunatly, you would no believe how common this is. OCD does NOT define capacity.


Coming back to now, and her weight loss, I am told that the GP diagnosed her to have malnutrition over a year ago and prescribed 'special drinks'. Living alone there is no-one to ensure that she is following advice, I do think she is depressed and lonely.
Sounds like a "build up" drink like Ensure (taste like crap but they work). Does anyone know if they are being collected and taken? I agree, depression, loneliness and having been in what sounds like a controlling relationship,she doesn't seem to know how to live without being controlled.


The general opinion is that any steps taken by the sisters would be unwelcome and risk her being removed to hospital or moved into care, both of which she is extremely fearful of.
This is where I LOVE MY JOB!!! Ok, you can quite happily and truthfully tell your sister this is the worst case scenario and will only be suggested if she cannot look after herself at all. In about 85% of cases, councils and care providers would rather the person was cared for in their own home. This not only promotes independence, but self esteem, dignity and means that any treatment tends to work faster.
Unless she does not have capacity, which has to be proved by a GP at least, no one can make her leave her own home!!! It is a breach of the Mental Capacity Act to assume she does not have capacity, this must be legally proved!!

Bit stuck with what to do for the best. My other sister has managed to make contact with the eldest daughter who simply states that she (her mother) can do things if she wants to. This seems to reveal a total lack of understanding of the condition and the real risk to survival.
Now, I am afraid this has made the Callie monster VERY ANGRY!!!
What does she mean "Can do things if she wants to?" If any of her daughters have accepted responsibility or POA for their mother, that comes with all the bells and whistles. What is happening to this poor lady is Neglect. THAT. IS. ABUSE. No ifs buts or maybes. Not to report the fact Mum is getting thinner and seems to be declining to eat IS ABUSE! it's a breach of Safeguarding Adults (part of the Care Act 2014) and can carry a prison term!


It is very sad to see that she has no incling of her position or how she was treated and has nothing to compare with I suppose. thank you very much for all of your posts and advice. I will carry on being a pest to them.

My comments are as always in green.

I am going to be 100% honest (as always) and give you my honest opinion.
You cannot afford to worry about upsetting your nieces. You need to start reporting. Call in the Social Services, tell them what is happening and say that you want to be at the first meeting. They are normally pretty damn good with things like this. They will reassure her that there is no way they can make her move out.

Educate your sister (sounds rude I know but bear with me), explain to her that what is happening and has happened is wrong! That she doesn't have to live this way, that you can arrange for some just to pop in and sit with her, make sure she has a meal at night, and then leave her be.. IN HER OWN HOME!!!

Reiterate, you don't want her to leave her home, she doesn't have to (despite what her late husband and kids might have told her), all you want is to make sure she eats and has a bit of company. If your nieces start getting smart, tell them to google the Mental Capacity Act and have a read, they must assume capacity unless it is proved sister doesn't have it.

What a home care worker does:
Makes beds if the person can't
Makes the tea
Makes dinner if the person can't. (hey, it's a priviledge of being frail, having your dinner cooked for you)
Administer medication - this will not be forced. the person must give consent!
Basically, they will walk in and say ok love, what do you need doing? Sometimes they just sit and chat with the person.

If you need anything else, just call <3

Callie