Recovered Alcoholic - Fathers Rights?

[Geeves123]

I am a recovered alcoholic father who is looking to gain slightly more access to my 2 young children, than I currently have. I had been sober 14 months prior to May this year where we went on a family holiday and both drank sensibly. On our return my partner asked me to leave the family home for re-lapsing. Less than a month later, I started counselling for alcohol abuse and have recently completed a 12 week course sober.
My question is this. Given that I have a history of alcohol abuse and have relapsed once over the last 2 years, will I do my cause more harm than good going to court?
I am the actual father on the children's birth certificate, I work 40 hours plus a week and have done for over 10 years. Full maintenance has been paid directly into my ex-partners account on time weekly and have been sober since May the 21st 2015 when we returned from holiday. There is a history of non physical domestic violence and the police have been called 3 times and social services have also been involved. Neither of which progressed and all cases/investigations were closed within days.
Despite both of us making an effort to patch things up we never seem to quite get there. I almost get the feeling she is leading me on. She wont commit to mediation, unsupervised access or allowing me the children overnight. She is currently looking after the children at her rented property.
I appreciate her concerns in not allowing greater access right this moment but she won't recognise my continued recovery and help plan privately an agreement that would let me see them more. She also wont take it to court either. There's no plan!
I've had random breath tests and am happy to do hair strand tests too, but I'm not sure about their validity in a court room?
Any help appreciated.

[MissFM]

Re: Recovered Alcoholic - Fathers Rights?

Hello Geeves and to LB,

Well done for tackling the alcohol abuse. :yo:

When you say "non physical domestic violence" do you mean between you and your wife or was it towards the children?

Have you sought any help on this issue?

[stevemLS]

Re: Recovered Alcoholic - Fathers Rights?

TBH, you have 6 months sobriety which is not a great deal (but well done nonetheless).

With the history you describe, that doesn't sound like much of a basis for increased contact.

However, is your contact at the moment completely informal - are you/were you married to your ex? Has there yet been any court involvement?

Are you named on the birth certificate of both children?

What is your current level of contact and what is it you are looking for?

[Geeves123]

Re: Recovered Alcoholic - Fathers Rights?

Hello both,

Thanks for replying.

The non physical abuse was between by my ex-partner and I. Manifesting itself in arguments around half truths concerning money, her family and my drinking. This was never in earshot of the children. Being the only bread winner for sometime, I took control of the money in order to pay the bills and Mum was entitled to the rest. I say Non Physical Domestic Violence, because one partner, "Controlling" the finances in a relationship is classed as such. I have not sought help for this.

My contact is formalised through the NACCC. Its a contact centre which provides supported access (different to supervised access) every 2nd Sunday of the month for 2 hrs. We were never married and my name is on both children's birth certs. There has been no court proceedings however I have started mediation this week on the advice of a solicitor.

The issue, I have is this. Mum and I have been looking to reconcile. I showed the mediator and solicitor 75 A4 pages worth of conversations saying as much (over the last 19 days) Mum has been bringing the children over to mine, and I go over to hers. I have seen the 16 times in the last 20 days. Once unsupervised whilst she went out for an hour. However, she will have a change of heart, probably to do with her families input and revert back to type saying, "Every two weeks again at the contact centre please". This has happened several times and I cant help feeling that she's keeping me interested enough to keep me close, but far enough away to pull the strings as and when I see the children. There was no plan.

Both solicitor and mediator have read my, "Terms" and have both agreed that I am asking for way less than I am entitled too, however I wrote this with Mum in mind. Its increased incremental access every three months supervised for another 6 months. Then a few hours of unsupervised access for another 6 months (2hrs at every weekend) and then finally unsupervised access every other weekend. What this means is it will roughly 18 months since I will have seen the children unsupervised (apart from the hour I spoke about earlier) and 1 year sober. By the time I have them overnight, it will be 18 months sober. All of which I am prepared to back up with breathalysers or hair-strand tests at her expense.

The mediator (also a qualified family law solicitor) said this could show a lack of effort on my part of the father and I should be looking for much more. Of course being a mediator, he didn't recommend by how much, I guess that's what we will have to discuss if Mum chooses to agree to mediation or not?

I called social services yesterday and explained my situation to them. Despite only having once signed agreement from Mum back in May when we separated it would have made no difference if I'd sent a reply in or not. They said if we were to reconcile, they would refer us to M.A.S.H. A risk assessor would come out and we'd have to sign a new agreement. This to me seems like the answer, because its understandable Mum wouldn't want to reconcile and jeopardise loosing our kids completely if things were to go wrong again in the future.

In summary, I'm not looking to have the children half the week. It not practical with my work and with Mum on benefits for everything it seems better the children are with her. However I cant be seen to be doing nothing should this go to court, nor can I get strung along by false pretences from Mum. Mediation is the best course of action I feel. And if this ultimately went to court, I would have to go down this avenue anyhow.

Hello Geeves and to LB,

Well done for tackling the alcohol abuse. :yo:

When you say "non physical domestic violence" do you mean between you and your wife or was it towards the children?

Have you sought any help on this issue?

- - - Updated - - -

Hi,

Thanks for replying. I hope I answered your questions in the below post. Apologies I though I was answering both of you at once. Still getting used to this.

[MissFM]

Re: Recovered Alcoholic - Fathers Rights?

Evening Geeves ,

Your proposals sound eminently sensible to me. I don't really understand what the mediator means by

this could show a lack of effort on my part of the father and I should be looking for much more. Of course being a mediator, he didn't recommend by how much,

Remember that the process is first and foremost to ensure a stable arrangement that is in the best interests of the children and their present and future welfare. Quality does not necessarily equate with quantity.

In view of the past "non-physical domestic violence", it's understandable that their Mum should be wary in her approach - do continue to be patient, conciliatory and understanding - go the extra mile.

The courts much prefer parents to make arrangements without resorting to legal action and mediation is a very useful route to a sensible and sustainable way forward to lasting stability for the children - who ideally need a secure, loving relationship with both parents, warts and all.

How old are the children, by the way?

Wishing you luck going forward and a happy result for all - do keep us posted x

[leclerc]

Re: Recovered Alcoholic - Fathers Rights?

One question comes to mind which is whether the 3 occasions of non physical harm were witnessed by any of the children?

One point I would make in terms of the wording "recovered alcoholic" because I would say that the term should be "recovering alcoholic" since you will always be near to that addiction ie supermarket, pub, etc etc. The point is that at least you are 6 months clear which is positive as everyone else has said. I don't have much more to add that what MissFM has already said. Courts are primarily interested in what is in the best interests of the child and their welfare is paramount. If there is no formal arrangement then that might be worth doing since you have parental responsibility for each child.

[Geeves123]

Re: Recovered Alcoholic - Fathers Rights?

Hi both and thanks again for your response.

I agree. "Recovering" instead of, "Recovered" is the right word. My hope is there will be a formal arrangement in place soon. Mum has received a letter from the mediator and will be attending, which is a start.

On the subject of the mediator, this was referring to my, "Terms/Proposal/Plan" I think he was pointing out that despite my history, it would be detrimental to both myself and the children should it go to court and I hadn't displayed any desire to see them more. His example to me, involved a Dad who had a similar problem with alcohol and voluntarily decided not to see his children or ex-partner for 2 years whilst he sorted himself out. He then approached the court to display his sobriety and to ask for joint custody , only to be questioned about his lack of involvement since the separation from his wife, which ultimately went against him. I don't think the mediator understood why my, "Terms/Plan/Proposals" were asking for so little. He went onto explain that most Dad's in my position start by asking for the maximum they are entitled too and then negotiate downwards. Where as I've tried to take a pragmatic approach for the benefits of all concerned, knowing I still have a long way to go and have Mum's feelings and concerns at heart too.

In terms of the very latest, Mum and I are seriously considering reconciling, but we both have to be sure. I have to continue on my recovery whilst making sure this isn't another attempt to keep me at arms length again and like you say, Mum has to be sure she's not putting our children at risk and we can make this work.

We have a boy of 2 and a girl of 1, so very young. Our son has special needs which presents its own set of challenges, but my hope is they are both too young to fully appreciate the situation. Perhaps a final opportunity to get it right for good.

You both sound experienced in this area and I have a final question. Do many Dad's decide to not pay maintenance or pay very little? I'm guessing its the only thing men tend to have any real control over after a separation? Its been put to me by many friends and family but it doesn't sit right. I've always wanted to contribute and will continue to do so but when so many are saying the opposite, it made me wonder just how many actually go through with it! It could only work against them in court wouldn't it? Not to mention the most significant factor... They are not paying for their children.

Thanks again

One question comes to mind which is whether the 3 occasions of non physical harm were witnessed by any of the children?

One point I would make in terms of the wording "recovered alcoholic" because I would say that the term should be "recovering alcoholic" since you will always be near to that addiction ie supermarket, pub, etc etc. The point is that at least you are 6 months clear which is positive as everyone else has said. I don't have much more to add that what MissFM has already said. Courts are primarily interested in what is in the best interests of the child and their welfare is paramount. If there is no formal arrangement then that might be worth doing since you have parental responsibility for each child.

[MissFM]

Re: Recovered Alcoholic - Fathers Rights?

Hi Geeves ,

I think it's important for you to separate in your mind the three (perhaps four) issues to be resolved here.

1. First, and most important, is contact with the children. As you say, they are still very young and a stable routine of meaningful contact at a sustainable level between you in circumstances where they can feel completely safe & secure will be priority number one to be settled. For your son with special needs consistency will be even more important. Try to keep all discussions and arrangements concerning contact with the children separate from any financial concerns and independent of whether or not you and their mother can be reconciled - ie make sure that whatever is in place will remain workable in all events. Make sure that all discussions and arrangements are centred upon their needs only, putting all other considerations aside.

2. Financial arrangements: I really wouldn't worry what your friends think - what's important is that you work out how to contribute as much as you can to your children's support in a fair and honourable way. Please don't be tempted to try to use money as any kind of bargaining chip. Be as generous as you realistically can but don't make promises you can't keep.

3. Reconciling your relationship with their mother: again, my suggestion would be that you let this possibility progress at its own pace, alongside but completely independently of other considerations. What will be, will be - but in my opinion any possibility of this happening would be stifled by attempts at coercion on your part. Your ex needs to see that you are open to a genuinely new relationship on more equal and respectful terms than the previous one.

The fourth issue is your continuing recovery from alcoholism - do make sure you have all the support you need to keep strong in this, whatever happens :hug:

Again, my very best wishes to you all xx

[leclerc]

Re: Recovered Alcoholic - Fathers Rights?

I completely agree with Miss FM and would perhaps extend the fourth issue to include any support groups that might be in your area for parents of children with Special Needs, for example, National Autistic Society have local groups for both parents and those who have a condition on the Austistic Spectrum. Worth considering so that all available help for the children are considered in these circumstances.....

Good luck with everything....