Advice on visitation rights/custody

[Wow11]

Hello

I separated from my ex 5yrs ago when my daughter was 1yr old. We lived together in South Wales initially she then relocated to south east of England. I wasn’t happy about this but At the time it was the best option for her own mental health to be closer to her family and therefore within the best interest of my daughter.

This became a permanent decision and I travelled 4hrs every weekend, staying in hotels etc in order to see my daughter. This continued for a further 2years on a everyother week basis as financially it wasn’t feasible.

The break up on a whole was fairly clean as we weren’t married although emotionally it was hard and messy with a lot of blaming each other etc.

I Felt and know now looking back she was manipulating situations in order to build a negative perception of me, almost like building a case so that if I ever did push for custody every action of hers would represent someone who is dealing with a difficult ex. eg,Could only contact via email & when I collected my daughter it had to be in a public place which was strange as I had collected from her house for some time.

As much as I don’t want to I’ve always wanted to maintain a good relationship with my ex as I feel long term it’s better for my daughter.

Even from early on (daughter toddler)I would email as requested to find out how my daughter was and make arrangements and I would not hear for days sometime a week would go by and I wouldn’t get a response. I just wanted a regular update about my daughters well being, I would chase up then be accused of harassment & controlling behaviour etc

About 2 years ago my ex is in another relationship and he lives
with my daughter. I’m generally happy with the environment my daughter is in and he strikes me as a decent person and level head so I was relieved. However he contacted me saying he’s witnessed my harassing emails to my ex etc and the point if contact will be him from now on. I wasn’t happy about this but the communication was there which is all I wanted. He only responds to texts which I’m sure is actually my ex typing. I would rather have a verbal conversation sometimes as a lot gets lost in context and I don’t want anything misconstrued.

Current situation
I collect my daughter at a services roughly halfway between both our homes, collect on a sat at 9 & drop back at services 12 Sunday. This isn’t enough time for me or my daughter however I’m conscious of it affecting her routine if i dropped back later etc
This happens every other week, recently they have said the driving is too much for my daughter and I have to travel the 4hours everyother visit. Again this isn’t financially viable, hotels, eating out etc expensive in that part of the country. I feel it’s important my daughter comes back to South Wales on the weekends as she has family here that I want her to know.

I have extra time in half terms etc but it’s all on her terms and is non negotiable

A few things have happened over the years which I haven’t felt were right I may be wrong, please let me know

- taking her on holiday I was told the country but not where she would be staying

-daughter has wanted me at birthday parties and my ex won’t allow it

-my ex won’t give me her address where my daughter resides. Only grandmothers address (another example building a case)

-most recently In light of recent covid-19 I wanted to have a verbal conversation With my ex about my daughters situation, She is high risk individual and I know her boyfriend works a lot so if she was to fall ill would I be informed as who would look after her? this was met with harassment claims.


Main questions
-Should I be able to know her address?
-can I have more say in when the visits are in half term
-Is there more I can be doing in terms of standing my ground? Just conscious of being accused of harassing
-My ex’s refusal to talk to me about my daughters well being? Should I have to go through her boyfriend?

I know it’s a complex situation but any advice would be welcomed

Thankyou

[Celestine]

Hello Wow11 - Welcome to LegalBeagles.
What a very sad case. You come across as a patient and committed Dad who is being slowly frozen out of your daughters life, despite your best efforts to reasonably prevent this. Your daughter is 6 years old now and it is very important she maintains a close relationship with you and her extended family in South Wales.
Couple of questions on the 'storing up ammunition' angle: were there ever any formal allegations against you of abuse by your ex? Anything else which could be 'thrown' such as alcohol or substance misuse?

Are you paying maintenance?

You probably know this deep down already, but the only way to force this situation to a head is through the courts. Many parents do not have the funds to use solicitors so have to 'DIY' applications for contact. I feel you need to establish some baseline rules and principles about contact. Your daughter is plenty old enough now to do video calls for example.

Do you have Parental Responsibility? (PR)

First step is to write to your ex to formally request contact. If that is unsuccessful, then you can apply to the court for a contact order. 90% are granted (with some adjustments) so this should finally give you some certainty in your future relationship with your daughter.

[Wow11]

Hi
Thankyou for your response,

No formal accusations that I’m aware of,

During the breakup I stay in to look after my daughter, my ex did get very drunk and came home from a night out, she initiated sex & we did then again in the morning she initiated sex but I declined and said we need to sort out birth control and should not continue in this was as it creates blurred lines in the breakup etc. My ex got angry and I left, a few days past and she then suggested I had taken advantage of her whilst being drunk and was traumatised and it was my way of controlling her. I was shocked and really upset as this was an unbelievable accusation.
Over the weeks she then lived with her mother in Kent. She told me she was having counselling with “women’s aid” about how I treated her. Nothing more was said about it though. I confided in her uncle who I was close with and he said she was going through a tough time etc

I feel her thought process was to accuse me of something terrible and threaten me with a formal accusation over time. This has played on my mind a lot over the years although I know it’s not true It’s something anyone would want to be accused of. Plus the upset it would cause my daughter.

i should mention that all through our relationship she has always been volatile and could escalate a situation in no time. I’ve always maintained discipline and never acted threatening or abusive.
Ive never taken drugs and I rarely drink.

I already have an arrangement with my ex where I have custody every other week. Is it likely I’ll get anymore than this? They have recently proposed I can only take my daughter home with me to Cardiff every other weekend. I would have to meet in Kent. Can my ex do this?

my daughter doesn’t seem to want to do FaceTimes much. Whether it’s because it’s a boring phone call or she just doesn’t want to talk to me. We do talk but not nearly enough as what I’d like.
It doesn’t seem to marry up, my daughter and I have a strong bond and relationship when we’re together, we talk for hours but she doesn’t seem to want to FaceTime. Can’t help feeling there’s no positive reinforcement from their end although my ex assured me there is. Certainly been negatively about me spoken as my daughter has told me little things. Again I feel my ex is building slowly over time a negative perception of me to my daughter.

yes I have PR and yes I’ve paid child maintenance of £95 week since she moved to Kent 2015.

Can she just refuse to talk to me? I’ve insisted I wanted to talk to my ex and always met with harassment claims.

I’m aware she has a friend with a legal back ground. Hence why I think she has always done the bare minimum with regards me and my daughter so not to look bad if it should go to court.

what should I do?

[Celestine]

Your ex effectively has 'residency' of your daughter and she has built up five years of this, so a court would be unlikely to fundamentally change this unless there is a pressing need because it could disrupt your daughters routine and stability. However, if it is becoming clear that your ex is trying to alienate you from your daughter, that may encourage the court to further protect your relationship.
Moving a six year old between south wales and Kent on a weekly basis may be seen as impractical because it creates a lot of travelling time for her, as she gets older this could be difficult to fit around schooling. A court order will set a routine which is deemed best for the child - the adults practical concerns will be secondary.
As for your ex, her reaction to the event where you had sex when she was drunk, suggests she is quite emotionally fragile. She will have initiated sex out of insecurity and maybe a wish to have control on some level, but it didn't work, well done for being sensible on the subject of birth control. This type of accusation is not uncommon. Technically she could still make an issue of it, but it would be highly unlikely to go anywhere. Courts and CAFCASS officers are very familiar with such historical allegations being raised but because there was no police engagement it would be very unlikely to have any effect on the residency arrangements. I genuinely would stop worrying about it. Does your ex still drink heavily, has she ever used drugs?
Also has your ex had any further children?
Regarding the harassment stance, she can nominate a third party to deal with you, unfortunately even though you know her allegations are baseless, they suit her very nicely in this situation. If there is ever anything hostile in your texts/emails - stop. Become Mr Super Nice guy to prevent her ever trying to use that against you.
A court order would very likely support you in your efforts to have a secure relationship with your little girl. I think it unlikely you would end up with a worse deal than now. Also the court can order contact via video calls which would force your ex to support this type of contact. The fact you have consistently paid maintenance, maintained contact despite the long distance and are trying to protect your long term relationship will all count strongly in your favour. If necessary, could you offer primary residency? How much family network do you have around you? You should try and build a very good picture of the life you could offer to your daughter in south wales and apply for full residency and see what happens.

[Wow11]

Hello
Thank you for your previous advice. Have recently had a few clashes with my ex regarding drop off times, visitation timings etc (nothing heated more frustration)which has meant back and fourth of text messages clarifying arrangements. She has now said she would like to have only arrangement communications regarding Phoebe via an app “talking parents” and we are to have no other communication. She says if I want to know anything I can contact the gp surgery regarding health matters, the school regarding education matters etc. I’m not adverse to using an app although I do feel it’s not necessary. Also if I ever ask how is my daughter in general conversation during meetings or via text it’s met with claims of harassment. I’m only trying to gain a clearer picture of my daughters day to day life and if I had any concerns her mother would be the best person to talk to. Can my ex cut all communication? I don’t think this is best for my daughter in the long term or in the bigger picture
thanks

[Wow11]

Hello

I have posted sometime ago asking for advice and it has been very helpful so thank you.

I have posted my circumstances previously and my current situation with my daughter has deteriorated unfortunately.




I haven’t seen her for nearly 3 months now and she says she doesn’t want to see me again. It seemed to happen quite suddenly and really out of character. My daughter is 9 now. I took her on a holiday to Majorca for 5 days just me and her for some quality time. She was homesick in the evenings which I half expected. She is very close with her mum(my ex) and in my opinion has an unhealthy attachment in lots of ways. She got very upset one evening and wanted to call mummy so we did, she wanted to go home etc I said it wasn’t practical paying for another flight and getting one straight away at midnight. Her mum didn’t quite support this and said she would look into flights etc. I felt it would have been better to reassure her that everything would be fine in the morning which it was. This did repeat for the following nights at bedtime.

My ex informs me that my daughter doesn’t want to see me again. I can’t understand why such a drastic measure has come about. We didn’t argue on holiday or have bad words as such. I can’t think of anything that could have made her feel this way.

It has been my biggest worry that my ex would turn my daughter against me because I have felt alienated in the past and I know the family my ex was brought up in. My exs father was painted as the enemy and she never saw him. Generally a negative environment regarding men all round.

I just don’t know where to go from here. I can’t even talk her my daughter. The only contact I have is with my ex on a parenting app and she just says my daughter doesn’t want to talk to me.

any advice would be appreciated.

[Celestine]

Good morning - this lengthy issue now needs resolving properly.

It is unlikely that a nine year old would declare she no longer wants to see her Dad unless there is a good reason.

Perhaps she felt too far away from Mum while on holiday abroad, but it does sound like the solutions offered were impractical and destructive to your relationship.

You must now make an application to the family courts for a Child Arrangement Order (CAO). You can download the forms from the .gov website and they are simple to fill in and submit. The courts will apppoint CAFCASS to interview everyone and suggest sensible routes forward. They will NOT accept 'she doesn't want to see her Dad. She is too young to be making such decisions and needs a positive paternal influence in her life.

[atticus]

And please bear in mind that under the Children Act 1989:

1. The welfare of the child is the paramount concern of the court.

2. There is a statutory presumption that the involvement of each parent in the life of the child will promoter the welfare of the child.

The form to apply for a Child Arrangements Order is form C100.

[PallasAthena]

Wow11 I hope this doesn't come across as presumptuous or patronising - not intended to be, just another parent talking from experience - but when you do get the chance to take your daughter away on holiday it might be better if she invites a friend to come on holiday with her. I doubt that a 9 year old sees 5 days alone with her father in your situation as an opportunity for "me and her for some quality time". She may have been more relaxed with a friend there and you'd still have had 'quality time' together.