Need to understand my options on divorce as partner is in an affair...

[WorriedFather]

I need some guidence and advice before I go and see a solictor. I've been married for 9 years now and have know my wife for over 14 years and we have two great kids who are both under 7 years old.

The story is that my wife asked me to move out of our home (about 1 month ago) as she wanted 'space' to think about our marriage. Out of respect for her, I moved out to give her the 'space' she requested.

Subsequently, I have found out that the whole 'space' thing was just to buy her some time for whatever she was planning on doing. So, I have uncovered evidence that she has been planning to divorce me for about 6 months now but what she doesn't know is that I have also found out that she has been having an affair for the same period and is still having the affair.

There have been times where she has left the children with me so she can go for a business 'meeting' but I have documented evidence of where and who she is actually meeting.

Now, what do I do? I've not confronted her yet on this as I didn't want to completely ruin Christmas and New Year even though it was very different and we shared the day seperatly with the children. I am planning on confronting her this week and also going to move back into our home and into our bed.

Where do I stand now? If I confront her and move back into our home, will this have any negative impact on me? All I want to do now is to divorce her and be with the children.

What to do...

[WorriedFather]

Re: Need to understand my options on divorce as partner is in an affair...

So what do you suggest then? Not to confront her? Not to move back into our home? At the moment, I pay for everything and I can't afford to rent/buy some where else at the moment therefore what to do?

[Inca]

Re: Need to understand my options on divorce as partner is in an affair...

Whatever you decide to do PLEASE PLEASE don't do it in front of/within earshot of your children.
You don't need to 'confront' your wife..you need to sit down with her and tell her what you know,preferably calmly (although I appreciate it's difficult)
Is the house in both of your names?

[WorriedFather]

Re: Need to understand my options on divorce as partner is in an affair...

Whatever you decide to do PLEASE PLEASE don't do it in front of/within earshot of your children.
You don't need to 'confront' your wife..you need to sit down with her and tell her what you know,preferably calmly (although I appreciate it's difficult)
Is the house in both of your names?

Of course, not around the children as they are the priority in all of this now. When I say confront I do mean calmly talk to her about what has been going on. And yes, house is in both of our names.

What options do I have?

[Inca]

Re: Need to understand my options on divorce as partner is in an affair...

I'm going to ask Amethyst (site owner) to pop in when she gets a mo.......I'm not up to speed on rights etc and won't be around much this week so it'd be unfair of me to get involved then leave you hanging.
There are also many other Beagles on here who have a wealth of knowledge who will help you..

Good Luck

[MissFM]

Re: Need to understand my options on divorce as partner is in an affair...

Hi WorriedFather

I'm so sorry for your situation; how I wish people wouldn't lie about infidelity as it makes everything so much more painful.

I think most don't realize that nowadays divorce is more or less blame free and any financial divisions are based on broad equality of outcome, rather than blame. The childcare issues are also treated separately and based on the ideal of equal shared access with the children's needs coming first.

As Inca has said, and as you wisely seem determined to do, any "discussion" should take place well out of range of the children. If you are sure, after open and rational discussion, that the marriage is over, then you will need a solicitor specializing in Family Law and I would suggest one that follows the code outlined here:

http://www.resolution.org.uk/

Please avoid any contact with anyone who tries to ramp up discord - particularly the kind of lawyer who encourages strife and confrontation. Mediation and consent is the way forward.

But I'm jumping the gun - you may find that your wife is only too willing to disentangle things amicably.

One thing that does cause concern is your statement that you intend to return to the marital bed - be very, very careful as that would be only acceptable with your wife's express consent.

If you can identify a local solicitor as above whom you feel you can trust, most will provide an initial consultation FOC to discuss your options.

Feel free to let off steam, explain further and raise questions on here - there are many wise old birds with broad backs who will be rooting for you :hug:

[WorriedFather]

Re: Need to understand my options on divorce as partner is in an affair...

Thanks Inca and MissFM..

I'm really worried about the future and what happens with the children. I dote and love our children and am thinking if I need to go to court for custody. Or am I over thinking right now?

What happens to the property? I can't afford to live in another property as I am the main provider and I pay for absolutely everything. I mean everything to give us both a good lifestyle.

The way I feel right now, is that I want her to leave and leave the children with me. I don't think that would happen but that's how I feel.

Should I seek legal advice before I discuss with her or let nature run it's course?

She has always said to keep things amicable but she doesn't know what I currently know. I have lots if evidence to support what's been going on but I understand that she is a bad spouse and not a bad mother. Even though she leaves the children on numerous occasions overnight to meet this person. I consider that to be a bad mother in my book.

As I am not at the property at the moment, but I've also seen evidence of her 'inviting' this guy over to the house whilst the children are asleep! What kind of person is she as this is totally unacceptable!

It's so all wrong on many levels.. There must be something I can do..

Help...

[MissFM]

Re: Need to understand my options on divorce as partner is in an affair...

Yes, it's an unacceptable situation if your assessment is correct. She certainly shouldn't be leaving such young children alone in the house.

I think you need to have the discussion with her, calmly but completely honestly.

In your shoes, I would probably be inclined to have an informal chat with a solicitor beforehand to help clarify the overview in your mind.

As regards the financials - the fairest thing to do would be to agree to put the house on the market soonest and each have half the proceeds then take it from there. However, if your wife is involved with someone who is well able to support her then it might be more sensible for you to stay in the house so that the children at least have some continuity.

A lot depends on the outcome of your talks when she knows that you know... x

[gj500]

Re: Need to understand my options on divorce as partner is in an affair...

Hi Worried Father. You will only need evidence if you decide to petition for Divorce on the grounds of Adultery and decide to name her "friend" as co-respondent. You need to sit down with your Wife and discuss the situation. The children's welfare must come first and foremost. Try to be as reasonable as possible. Advise your wife that it is best for all concerned to compromise and come to an arrangement that suits you both without the need for legal intervention. Legal Aid is very rare in these situations. As for your rights, they are the same as hers. Try to stay calm and show no emotion in front of your children. Good Luck.

[WorriedFather]

Re: Need to understand my options on divorce as partner is in an affair...

So the next few days are going to be difficult but I need to find the strength to survive...

I just can't believe some people... Whatever happen to the vows of marriage and I wish that the law would be more favourable.

[MissFM]

Re: Need to understand my options on divorce as partner is in an affair...

You will only need evidence if you decide to petition for Divorce on the grounds of Adultery and decide to name her "friend" as co-respondent.

One of the points I was trying to make, perhaps badly, above is that "adultery" is no longer, in itself, necessarily grounds for divorce. Possibly all divorces these days are conducted on "irretrievable breakdown", or separation, without apportioning blame. The whole philosophy as enshrined in guidelines to family lawyers is to avoid the historical culture of blame and agree an equitable (not punitive) financial split.

The children are treated separately from the main financial division, with broadly equal access for each parent according to the needs of the children, although there are obviously financial implications as regards maintenance to the parent with care.

Just my understanding

[MissFM]

Re: Need to understand my options on divorce as partner is in an affair...

So the next few days are going to be difficult but I need to find the strength to survive...

I just can't believe some people... Whatever happen to the vows of marriage and I wish that the law would be more favourable.

You will survive by focusing on the long term happiness of your children and acting accordingly.

You sound like a truly committed father and that's what matters and what's retrievable here, even if the marriage isn't (who knows, though, it might be).

Don't forget that you also have a pack of loyal beagles rooting for you

[gj500]

Re: Need to understand my options on divorce as partner is in an affair...

You will find inner strength that you didn't realise you had. Be strong, for yourself and especially for your children. Confide in friends & family, you will find this helps.
On a lighter note, I myself have been married 29 yrs, divorce was out of the question because neither of us wanted custody of the children. Keep your chin up.

[WorriedFather]

Re: Need to understand my options on divorce as partner is in an affair...

But how do I get the children? That's all that now matters to me...

[Amethyst]

Re: Need to understand my options on divorce as partner is in an affair...

You really need to sit down with your wife and discuss the issues here calmly as possible. Preferably have the kids looked after for an evening outside the house and TALK.

I do not know if you want to save your marriage, if you still love your wife, if she still loves you, those things are what you need to work out between you.

Once you have talked, properly, about your relationship and whether it is over or not, you can both consider what you feel is better for the children.

You sound like you are in panic mode and thinking everything over all at once, you need to get through the next bit first, find out what's gone wrong and why, if you can fix it, want to fix it, or separate.

Honesty is needed from both sides now to work out what the future holds.

THEN is the time for thinking about divorce, and custody of the children, and housing arrangements etc.