Getting out of a bad relationship

[Lillythelamb]

Hi, seeking some advice for a friend. She has been married for about 14 years (I think), the relationship has been bad for a very long time (sleeping in seperate rooms for about 8 years), he has a very bad temper and whilst mostly just verbally abusive it has on a few occasions tipped over to physical abuse. She gave him divorce papers years ago which he ripped up and binned but also became very angry and scared her. She realises that she needs to move out but without housing benefit help she can't afford it and as her name is on their house she isn't entitled to that. They have 2 children (11 &8 I think) so moving to a cheaper area is not an option for her as she does not want to disrupt their schooling etc and also her work is there. She won't go down the abuse route as she is scared social services will get involved due to the children. If she removes her name from the house will that then entitle her to housing benefit to rent privately and then be able to serve him divorce papers when she is safely away from him. If she removed herself from the deeds to do this will the house still be part of the matrimonial assets for the divorce ( she doesn't really want to walk away from the profits of the house as she sees these as her kids future). Thanks in advance.

[echat11]

Hi LILLYTHELAMB

I don't think there is any need for your friend to remove herself from the 'deeds'.

Social services isn't the only option, give them a call and see if they can help -

https://www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-n...-with-housing/

[Lillythelamb]

Thanks echat, I've tried suggesting this to her but she is terrified of anything being noted as "abuse or dangerous" firstly due to social services and secondly that although her relationship with her husband is terrible he has never been abusive to the kids and she wants them to be able to maintain a relationship with him.

[echat11]

Thanks echat, I've tried suggesting this to her but she is terrified of anything being noted as "abuse or dangerous" firstly due to social services and secondly that although her relationship with her husband is terrible he has never been abusive to the kids and she wants them to be able to maintain a relationship with him.

This is what is said in the link, 'You do not need to have experienced physical violence to go into a refuge and you do not need to have children.' What you describe is psychological abuse. Refuge are independent of social services. If your friend is 'unwilling' to take the first steps, could you ring them on her behalf, make some desecrate enquirers. Also there is nothing lost in having the conversation with them and everything to gain.

[Lillythelamb]

Ok so things escalated on Sunday night and she packed a bag and took herself and the kids to a hotel, she is now temporarily staying with a friend (with kids and dog). She has booked an appointment with CAB and the council tomorrow, what questions should she have prepared for them?

[echat11]

The important questions should be about wanting to stay local because the children are settled at school, your friend's work is local. Questions around security as that's a consideration, the father having access to the children etc. What support can they provide short / long term.

[Lillythelamb]

Well I think I might have got ahead of myself in thinking we had made a breakthrough, I gave her the number for the local stop domestic abuse office so she could talk to someone more experienced and said they can assign a support worker who can liaise with council etc for her, and she has messaged back saying she doesn't want to get husband into trouble, just wants to get away and not have social services involved. I've told her SS will be in her side and see she is a good mum for taking the boys away but I think it's falling on deaf ears.

[echat11]

Well I think I might have got ahead of myself in thinking we had made a breakthrough, I gave her the number for the local stop domestic abuse office so she could talk to someone more experienced and said they can assign a support worker who can liaise with council etc for her, and she has messaged back saying she doesn't want to get husband into trouble, just wants to get away and not have social services involved. I've told her SS will be in her side and see she is a good mum for taking the boys away but I think it's falling on deaf ears.

It's a case of small steps, all she needs to do is have a conversation (if she's not happy the way it's going, she can end it), maybe you can be there for moral support when she has the conversation.