Wanting to be a good dad...

[Trev1234]

Hi all,

I will be succinct. I split with my ex in March 2019 unmarried. I paid her £30k towards a house deposit and £800 per month for two children 3 and 7 (soon to be 4 and 8). I love my children and we are extremely close. I have been patient and allowed my ex to have the majority of time with the children seeing them one evening per week and one weekend day per week. I have seen them more through C19 lockdown – but since they have gone to school less. I miss them and them me. I don’t want fun times I want to parent and develop their lives and opportunities until adults.

I have persistently asked for a review (we agreed initially the dates subject to a settling period) but it is effectively ignored. Last time I messaged I was immediately blocked – I have raised the issue in person since splitting.

I have 2 weeks hence met with a mediator and provided a revised schedule which he didn’t wrinkle his face at and suggested I have fri-sun nights and mid-week contact. My ex would have received a letter or communication but I have heard nothing from her.

She believes she is more important to our children and controls the schedule. I pick up and drop off at all occasions. The schedule changes to suit. I have never missed an “appointment”, school run, or drop off all on the agreed times/dates. I have raised I cannot have my life controlled by this month-on-month schedule for the next ten years and want to parent my children as a father and have some quality time including holidays. Nothing in return unless on her terms.

I suspect she may respond to mediation but only to follow process and ultimately court which I am prepared for. Some questions:

• What is likely schedule usually agreed – I am asking alternate weekends from fri-Monday school drop off and mid week contact (1 day when weekend, 2 days when no weekend contact)
• I am also asking for holiday time, alternate xmas and new year; and key alternate dates birthdays; and Fathers’ day
• I am happy to go for shared care/custody.

Is this reasonable? She is a fantastic mother but appears to be punishing me by withholding children and lately video-contact. I truly want the best for our children.

I didn’t want to do anything legally but 19 months of having my strings pulled and my children asking why they can’t spend longer has pushed me to action as I cannot be secondary in their lives and hopefully the pendulum has changed to fathers’ rights (as it)?

Any help – links or experiences would be truly useful. I am lost but I am prepared to fight for them – I wish I didn’t but I know I have to. I have just sent a letter to their school asking for updates – something I found useful from another post.

Thank you

T

[Philip Bowen]

Hi Trev

There is no standard order the court will make in every case for contact with children as each case if different. But, there is a usual order made by the courts, if that makes sense.

Usually the Court will order every other weekend Fri-Mon and 1 overnight in the alternate week. Plus 50% of all school holiday periods, with Christmas either alternating between the parents each year or the parents each having part of Christmas day., plus special occasions such as birthdays and fathers day.

If you cannot unfortunately agree this with mum then you will have no option other than to issue an application for a child arrangements order. That order will define the contact you have and if mum breaks it you can take her back to court to enforce the order. The court takes a dim view of orders being broken and can impose a range of sanctions from a telling off to fines and imprisonment.

Hope this helps

[Trev1234]

Philip - sorry for the delay in responding. I have further attempted to get to some form of agreement and mediation failed as she will not see the value of an increase in bonding time. I get Wednesday nights and Saturdays 24 hours. Her view is 90% of fathers get this so lump it. Following mediation I attempted and agreed a base schedule over xmas and had a further conversation whereupon she is adamant she will not move. I have done nothing over xmas and New year - BUT just submitted the C100 online after legal advice. My view is I can't get any less so am going for it - I owe the kids and really want to be a great dad that can plan.

Your post has given me some positive thought so thank you - my ask is exactly the base order you describe but with a single night in a second week; so week 1: Friday - Monday school and Weds that week; Week 2: Wed and Thurs in a 2 week loop. The other elements also describe my suggestions in the C100.

It did help so thank you for taking the time to response.

Kind Regards

Trev

p.s. I may well come back for your services!

[Trev1234]

Hi All,

I have since received a C1a suggesting I am controlling and various other things which is simply opinion and "defence" in submission against my C100.

I suspect this is normal and whilst I don't believe my ex-partner is vindictive I do believe any solicitor would recommend by way of response.

I will respond but wanted to know if you guys have experience of such and whether they "hold much water"?

Cheers

T