Can anyone offer advice? Ex's new partner issues....

[Sh86]

Hi, I'm new here and have joined out of desperation! I'm writing on my sisters behalf who is beside herself. To cut a long story brief.

My sisters ex (father of child) has had a partner for around 4 years now. My sister has never got on with her. In 2014 my sister received a call from children's services to say that the police had been called to the ex's property for a disturbance which had turned violent (luckily my niece wasn't there) and they told my sister that it was her responsibility to keep her child safe. My sister has never stopped her ex from seeing their child so stopped her from sleeping over at their house for 3 months (their rowing seems to be worse when they've been it drinking) . Her ex even signed to say that nothing like this would happen again.

Fast forward to March this year and my niece comes home from her dads and tells my sister that she was scared at daddy's house. When my sister questioned why she told her that her dad and partner were shouting and pulling at her and she was scared. She also said the police were there so her and daddy went and sat in the van. This obviously rang alarm bells. Everyone rows...but this sounded like something more than a domestic disagreement!

My my sister decided to contact her ex's mother. She discovered that she also has nothing to do with her sons new partner. My sister met with the mother and was shocked to find out what had been going on. The new partner is not welcome in their house as she has started numerous family rows, been aggressive, lied and my sister was told that basically she isn't good to be around my niece and they had wanted to contact my sister on numerous occasions to warn her. We have since found out that the new partner had been to hospital and claimed marks on her arms, black eyes etc. were made by my sisters ex. She threatened to kill herself. My niece has been asked by her dad not to tell mummy.

After finding out this, and so much more, my sister put a stop to my niece being allowed to see the new partner. He moved back to his mums and decided that the relationship wasn't worth potentially losing his daughter. Great news.

Until yesterday, when he told my sister they were getting back together. He has reverted back to being stroppy and nasty to my sister, yet in the months he wasn't with his partner, they got on really well. My sister is terrified of the emotional damage their daughter could witness but feels like she can't stop her ex choosing a new partner.

If anyone is still reading, and hasn't lost the will to live, we'd really appreciate some advice/support on how to move forward with this.

Thanks in advance

S x

[Peridot]

Re: Can anyone offer advice? Ex's new partner issues....

Hi Sh86,
What a horrible situation for you all. Of course your sister's priority has to be their daughter. She can't dictate who her ex sees but in the circumstances I don't think it would be unreasonable for her to insist that her daughter does not stay overnight and has restricted contact with the partner. Maybe they could have an arrangement that he takes his daughter out for the day, so they aren't in the house, which seems to be the place incidents are happening?

It would be difficult to ban the ex's partner having any contact whatsoever but not impossible. I would suggest your sister and her ex try and reach an agreement but if he won't agree then maybe your sister does have to seriously consider whether contact can take place if he refuses not to take their daughter to the house when the new partner is there. Could he maybe have contact at his parents? He has obviously been staying there so maybe even overnight contact would work there?

Just trying to think outside the box a bit how contact can be maintained between father and daughter. He also has a duty to protect his daughter as does your sister and if he is not capable of doing that then personally I would not think it unreasonable to stop contact until such time as agreement can be reached.

He can of course make an application for contact to the Court if an agreement is breached so I would say make sure a diary is kept of the various incidents that have taken place and how your sister has dealt with the issues so that she can't be seen to be being unreasonable preventing dad seeing his daughter except with certain safeguards in place, eg not at the home when she is present or overnight at his home.

As I say see if they can come up with an alternative to allow her contact with dad, but not be subjected to the nastiness that seems to be happening at his house when the new partner is there.

Here if you need any other pointers.

[slainte caragh]

Re: Can anyone offer advice? Ex's new partner issues....

My sister was in a similar situation, her Ex is toxic and the kids were constantly terrified.

She suggested a contact centre, so they could see Daddy in a stable and safe environment (and he couldn't go in if he had a few drinks which was a bonus)

https://naccc.org.uk/links/naccc-chi...s-and-services

Maybe suggesting this could be a reasonable suggestion, niece can see Daddy and Mam can rest assured she is safe

[Peridot]

Re: Can anyone offer advice? Ex's new partner issues....

Hi,
Contact centres do have really important uses, but they can be quite fake soulless places that don't really help relationships between parent and child. Don't get me wrong where there are drink, drug and violence issues involved they can be the only way that a child can maintain some sort of relationship with a parent on occasions but they are not ideal.

It seems that the new partner may be the issue particularly in their home. You seem to indicate that he has been reasonable on the issues previously, when you stopped overnight contact. You have also now reconnected with your ex mother in law, may be a more 'natural' contact location could be agreed, before arranging for contact centres to be used?