Divorce and life in general

[kupidonstars]

I am not sure if I am here for advice or to just spill my guts.

I have had a pretty crappy ten months in which I have lost my dad unexpectedly, my brother has lost his job and now my marriage is over.

I haven't been happy for a while but I have always been of the belief that you make a commitment when you marry and so I have stayed and we have been trying to figure this out.

When my dad died I struggled with that loss. We were close and he was young, the unexpected nature made it difficult. I'm pretty tough, dealt with probate myself, arranged everything, sorted his debts and dealt with his (incredibly) crappy mortgage company.

After his death my brother and I have life assurance payments from his work place totally around £80k each. We used a portion of this to pay off his mortgage and the property has been transferred, now, into our names.

Shortly after my dad died I developed a close, inappropriate at times, relationship with someone I had known online for around 5 years. He supported me and chatted to me and the ease at which I spoke with him further highlighted the unhappiness I had previously felt in my marriage. Still, the inappropriateness was restricted to flirting and he sent me 4 gifts, which I tucked away and never touched again. Shortly after the gifts I decided that the contact was wrong and we stopped chatting.

Things were strained between my husband and I already but while I was working away (my job entails quite a lot of that) he found one of the gifts and called me late. He was very drunk and I ended up travelling back in the middle of the night (arriving home at 1am) to him drunk making threats to my friend (who received the gift on my behalf) saying t 'they forget he has a shotgun' (he does and has for many years as clay pigeon shooting is his hobby. He called me for everything but I calmed him, let the alcohol wear off, explained about the gift and left it.

The next few weeks were tough but we tried until he went snooping and found the other gift which also had my friends details on it. (I had no idea they were there which is about how much attention I had paid to the gift). Again, we argued, again I explain, but this time he had my friends name and address. This went back and forth for weeks.

A few weeks ago it kicked off and I took the address on a piece of paper from my husband's hand. He flew into a rage, was completely out of control and pounced on me. Pinned me to the ground and clawed at me trying to get the paper. I escaped from under him, he through me down and twisted my arm around, I escaped again and tried to call the police, he took my phone and threw it across the room, he pushed me to the wall, I managed to run into the hallway (this whole time he is screaming at me, shouting he'll kill me, kill this guy etc). I pushed him away from me at the top of the stairs, he landed on the landing, he tried to trip me (down the stairs) and I avoided his foot.... I was able to run down and the the neighbors, outside in nothing but my bra and shorts

He was so enraged he tried to climb the fence to get to me which collapsed beneath him and cut his back. The neighbour let me in. I calmed down and, maybe foolishly, went back home. We talked and I told him he was frightening and that he'd hurt me. He apologised. We agreed to try and move forward.

We could not. Every other night this guy was talked about or raised, I asked if he thought there was an affair (and although I understood why he did, it was unfair for him to continue to treat me the way he was) why didn't he tell me to leave. He told me he did believe me but he hated this guy, kept threatening to go and see him.

Around a week or so ago I was away with family and my husband sent me a picture of the card that was with one of the gifts. No words. Just the picture. I decided at that point that I was just going to leave. I could no longer face the sleepless nights and uncertainty. I contracted the guy and filled him in and headed home with my brother in tow and my step father arranging to meet me at my house to help move my clothes etc.

At first my husband refused to let me leave, it all got very bad at he essentially threatened me and this led to him being arrested. He spent the night in jail, was charged the following day with an affray and assault.

Since then he has taken money from our joint savings account (not much in there) and I have frozen the remainder.

I have seen my solicitor and am petitioning for divorce.

I received my dad's money around 6 months ago and the house transferred to mine and my brothers name at the end of April.

My solicitor says this:

- My husband owned the house before I moved in, although there was still a mortgage on it. I have lived there for approximately 11 years, married for 6. Mortgage is paid and was around 2 years after our marriage.
- Since living there I have paid around 70% towards new bathroom and central heating, around %70 to a completely refurbished kitchen, around 70% to replace the window and redecorate the front room having hardwood fling also installs and I have paid 100% for a new driveway (total of all of this in the region of £20k)
- She says she believes we have a claim to around 25% of the value of the house (or there about, I think this is where she plans to pitch).

- She says she intends to argue that, based on case law, my dads monies and house should be ringfenced (came so late in the marriage, never used for the house or anything marital and always kept separate and in my sole name)

That leaves:

- my savings and car of a total of around £35-37k
- The house of a value of around £130k
- His savings and car of a total of around £10k

His salary - circa £23k
My salary - circa £49k with student loan still going out.

I guess my questions to you are these:

- Do you think my (very ruddy expensive) solicitor will be able to argue successfully for the ring fencing of the inheritance?
- How will the other assets likely me divided, in your views?
- Will a solicitor advise him similarly but from the other side? Re house and dad's money?
- Will a solicitor advice him to sign the petition and not contest?
- Will I be expected to pay spousal maintenance?

Few other bits:

- No debt (other than student loan) for either of us.
- He is significantly older than me. I am 32 he is 56.
- He has not been out of work in the whole time we have been together but was on short time for a lot of 2008 and 2009 in which I gave him caash to help with the mortgage etc but he's always worked and has a good job now.

God this is long winded.

I'm sorry!

[PAWS]

Re: Divorce and life in general

I think you are quite lucky! Now I know that sounds like an odd thing to say but please here me out. I know your husband frightened you and his reaction was quite violent but his behaviour is not typical of an abusive partner and to be fair it sounds like his world has also fallen apart.
I do not know if you have had a chance to look through the other posts on this site but many women leave the marital home with nothing. Many wind up sleeping on friends sofas with their children and living in fear for their lives. Many women struggle to get legal aid.
Divorce can be tricky legally and highly emotive. It may also require revealing a lot of personal stuff so you must feel comfortable with your solicitor. If you are not totally at ease with your solicitor then consider changing. There are a lot of assets to be considered so get one that is on the ball.

[kupidonstars]

Re: Divorce and life in general

Hi Paws,
Thanks for the response.

I don't think I was (and forgive me if that's how it came across) for one minute comparing myself to women who have escaped seriously abusive relationships.

I do not and never will call my husband abusive and have had great difficulty dealing with the furore surrounding his (admittedly, deserved) arrest. The issue with him was that he had chosen to drink, had assaulted me and was not particularly co-operative with the police. Locally, the police have taken his threats and response that day very seriously.

In terms of my solicitor... my concern, if anything, is that she is perhaps too on the ball. I think she will fight very hard for me. Although I have thought my marriage was not working for a while now I had hoped that my husband and I could at least try to be rational about it. Given the last few weeks and that he can now no longer have any contact with me, this seems impossible.

His rage seems too great, although I have no clue what impact his time with the police has had on him.

If I thought that my husband and I could discuss this civilly and that he would not be as bloody minded as he so often is I would prefer to sit down in mediation and resolve the finances. Due to the restrictions now imposed on him around contact and his attitude towards the finances up to now (clearing the joint savings account and a couple of other things) it seems that this will not be possible.

I have little interest in the marital home and I would much prefer for him to keep that (and basically it's contents) and his savings, if we can just walk away and take a clean break. My solicitor has told me that this is not her advice to me and she feels that that would be a good deal for him.

I appreciate that other women leave with little but the clothes on their back and often there are children involved and I am not comparing myself to these.

As for my husband; yes, his world will have fallen apart but marriage is a two way street and we are both culpable for the failure of our marriage. I am neither angry nor bitter, what I want is to just have this over with.

That said, my questions above still stand and that these situations are subjective. I am living my situation, not someone elses.