Irresponsible Father - Help?

[RJH]

Looking for any advice please:

There is a court order in place between two people that states that the child that the two people are parents to is to be with her father on Thursday night until Friday evening one week, and then Saturday morning through to Sunday evening the next week on a rotating basis.

On the occasions that the father has the child on a Thursday night, she is required to be at school on the Friday morning. For the past few weeks, the father has taken the child to the Wacky Warehouse and when she is returned on a Friday evening, she is shattered, hungry, hasn't been to the toilet for a poo, and is quite lethargic.

Whilst the mother has no problem with the father having the child on a Thursday and a Friday, it has got to the point now where she isn't comfortable with him having her overnight on the Thursday due to the reasons mentioned above. On top of that, the child isn't sent to school on the Friday in much of a presentable way, which is in contrast to the rest of the week.

Generally, the father doesn't look after the child properly, he just wants to play with her, and not look after her properly or treat her like the 4 year old she is. He doesn't feed her properly (always chips and coke), he doesn't/won't provide most of her clothes and he doesn't stick to her usual routine (e.g. bed at 7-730pm), instead he is adamant that when she is with him, he will do whatever he wants and keep her up as late as possible, regardless of how alert, or unalert, she may be at school the next day.

The most recent incident involved the father agreeing to not taking the child out the Thursday just gone as she had a spelling test at school today, however he took her out anyway, she had a late night and wasn't up to much when she returned at 5pm tonight.

Couple of questions I would like answering:

1. Where does the mother stand with regards to stopping the overnight part of the order, on the basis that the child isn't being cared for in the correct manner and in line with her usual routine?
2. What can be done moving forward? The father has had numerous chances to prove his worth and that he can look after his child properly, however he trips up time and time and time again.

Any suggestions or advice would be appreciated.
Thanks.

[setmefree]

Re: Irresponsible Father - Help?

I guess this is a difficult situation. The child gets dropped off to the father on a Thursday evening and on Friday evening is drained and lethargic. Firstly it must be established as to why the mother feels the need to ask the child why they haven't been for a poo( did the child complain) secondly has the school picked up on the fact that the child is lethagic?.

[setmefree]

Re: Irresponsible Father - Help?

Children vary toilet habits. However a 4 year old child would have mixed emotions when being separated from a family home and this could have an emotional effect in different ways. The parents must put the welfare of the child upmost and must set aside any differences!! .

[MissFM]

Re: Irresponsible Father - Help?

Hi RJH,

The Mother (either parent) could apply to vary the court order or (preferably) go to family mediation.

This is a useful link for the legal ins and outs: http://www.childrenslegalcentre.com/...aw_advice_line

Your post would suggest that the relationship between the parents is not overly friendly and this may be a reason for the child's distress, manifesting as "lethargy", or at least a contributory factor. Divorce is never easy for children, especially if there is substantial bitterness

There really is no one "correct" procedure for bringing up children - plenty of diverse good ways and plenty of not so good. A child of that age needs love, security and reassurance above all and there must be a plus side to the father enjoying his child's company so greatly.

My personal opinion, FWIW, is that mediation would be a very good idea, and I believe the Family court would require it. For this to work there must obviously be a genuine commitment on both sides to find a way forward that puts the child first whilst allowing each to be a loving parent in their own way. This would inevitably require some degree of compromise from each parent.

http://www.nfm.org.uk/index.php/fami...n-meeting-miam

You can find the forms for an application to vary the order here: http://www.******publishing.co.uk/sy...s/655/C100.pdf - as you can see, it's quite a serious step.

My best wishes that this will be resolved amicably with a happy solution for all.

[setmefree]

Re: Irresponsible Father - Help?

RJH. There is sound advice from MissFm and some good links included. I have been through what you mentioned, when I split from my ex, my daughter was 10 and my son was 4 so I know first hand what matters arise and what feelings the children go through. Support your friend and at the same time help both parties do what's right for the children.

[MissFM]

Re: Irresponsible Father - Help?

As a small aside, I'm absolutely dumbfounded to hear that a child of 4 is enduring spelling tests at school....:eek2: x

[leclerc]

Re: Irresponsible Father - Help?

My personal opinion, is that family mediation is probably the best route since clearly the mother has the child most of the time and with the comment alleged to have been made about doing whatever he wants with the child during his time being made, then clearly the relationship between the mother and the father is an issue because the child must be put first and foremost in the parents minds. In a child of 4, routine is important in terms of bedtime routine and clearly if the issue was a big one, the school would have already noted that down. How long has these arrangements been put in place?(ball park figure)

I am not overly concerned with what is written in post 1 to be honest, at this stage.