Advice needed please

[Jmt11]

My other half is having issues with her ex demanding more and more access to her children (my step children), I'm just after some advice to see where we stand/what comes next.
As a bit of background info the kids dad was never around much when the kids were little preferring to be in the pub than at home and also subjected my other half at the time to lots of verbal abuse (she has a police letter to back up one situation), and various other situations that make him out to be a less than trustworthy character.
over the last year he has decided he wants to see more and more of the kids by using the only tactic he knows by bullying and threatening court action. They have been to one mediation session where he spent the whole session shouting and being told by the mediator to calm down, although the mediator then agreed to his demands of half of all holidays, every other weekend and one night in the week. My other half hasn't agreed to all the demands and now he wants more mediation where no doubt he will try more of the same to get more access. When ever he does have the kids they come back having not been looked after wearing the same clothes having not brushed teeth etc...
If my other half doesn't agree to this extra mediation I assume he will want it to go to court. If it go to court does his past count for anything? As a family we have no integrity issues with both of us working and giving the kids everything they need.
We obviously don't want to go to court but he seems to want a fight every time we say no to him. we also don't want the expense of court action although the kids dad has the funds to take it as far as he can.
it was us that suggested alternate weekends and a week's holiday in the summer holiday is fine but not half of the holidays. Is there anyway we can stop this before it goes to court? The mediation didn't seem to do anything apart from give him what he wants
Any thoughts appreciated!

[MissFM]

Re: Advice needed please

Hi Jmt11 and to LB!

You will get a lot of informed support here.

My personal thoughts, FWIW, are that it is normal for shared contact arrangements to be based on broadly equal access to both parents unless there are extraordinary circumstances.

From that point of view, your partner's ex is not making any unreasonable proposals.

I wish you all an amicable resolution that will be happy for the children - for you all x.

[Jmt11]

Re: Advice needed please

Thanks for the reply.
So the mediator has to agree to his requests even though they can see first hand what he's like? Doesn't seem very fair to me.

[des8]

Re: Advice needed please

Hi
Just for the record, how many children are we talking about, how old are they and what do they want?

[Jmt11]

Re: Advice needed please

2 children that are 6 & 8. They do see him on a weekly basis at the moment and are mostly happy to go sometimes not

[MissFM]

Re: Advice needed please

Thanks for the reply.
So the mediator has to agree to his requests even though they can see first hand what he's like? Doesn't seem very fair to me.

The mediator neither agrees nor disagrees - he/she mediates between the parties and tries to help them reach a peaceful solution (compromise) to avoid escalation to court action.

The courts would look at things according to what they consider to be in the best interests of the children. In the absence of any special circumstance, that would most likely be a broadly equal contact with each parent.

IMVHO :tinysmile_kiss_t4:

[Jmt11]

Re: Advice needed please

Thanks everyone for the replies. You have confirmed what I was suspecting

[MissFM]

Re: Advice needed please

Thanks everyone for the replies. You have confirmed what I was suspecting

Jmt11

Do you have a Cafcass officer involved?

If not, it would (again IMO) be a good idea, as they are trained to ascertain the childrens' real wishes and to steer towards the best result for them.

Cafcass opinions carry weight in court.

[des8]

Re: Advice needed please

I'm afraid the mediator, or courts, won't be too concerned about past relationship with mother when coming to a decision.
The fact that a father, for whatever reason , did not have much contact with his children at a very early age but now wants a greater input could be regarded as a point in his favour.
Other than what you and your partner see as neglect (unchanged clothes, unbrushed teeth) are there any reasons to suspect the children are at any sort of risk?

Whilst some might think 50/50 split of holiday time is fair, I'm inclined to disagree.
The mother looks after the children during the term. She does the caring, washing, getting them to school, helping with homework, dealing with sickness, and possibly even tantrums.
She has the hardwork.
Holidays come along and some of that stress is relaxed and it is a time to really enjoy with them.
Why then should she surrender half of it to the father who doesn't put in the real caring effort?

If your partner feels the mediator is pressurized by the father's attitude, she does not have to accept the mediator's decision.
It could go to court where his bluster and shouting would not be acceptable, although normally I would counsel against court action.

[Jmt11]

Re: Advice needed please

Jmt11

Do you have a Cafcass officer involved?

If not, it would (again IMO) be a good idea, as they are trained to ascertain the childrens' real wishes and to steer towards the best result for them.

Cafcass opinions carry weight in court.

No we don't. How much does this cost?? is it worth it at the mediation stage??

[MissFM]

Re: Advice needed please

No we don't. How much does this cost?? is it worth it at the mediation stage??

It won't cost you anything - it's a government sponsored agency. I'm trying to link you to it but my computer is giving serious gyp atm. (Google "Cafcass" if I'm not successful in the next few minutes)

I agree with Des8 above that some things aren't fair; however, once you engage with the legal process things often don't seem fair. Presently they (the family courts) seem to aim for general equality for the parents but most particularly the best result for the child. They won't necessarily get it right but I do believe they will genuinely try and I do understand your frustration.

Cafcass is supposed to assess and represent the child's point of view and will talk to/listen to you all to that end. Talk to them! :tinysmile_kiss_t4:

[Kati]

Re: Advice needed please

http://www.cafcass.gov.uk

[MissFM]

Re: Advice needed please

http://www.cafcass.gov.uk/

There you go! x

[MissFM]

Re: Advice needed please

http://www.cafcass.gov.uk

Bless you Kati - we crossed - a good sign I'm told! x